61

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 24, 2009, 08:57:20 am »

All right, Chapter 16!

First off, let me say that I LOVED Jinnai's attempt to seduce Haruhi to the ways of Pure Evil Genius! His arguments were very compelling, and I loved seeing Haruhi's face mashed into the realization that her own methods tend to creep awfully far over the good/evil line from time to time.

(Just a nit I'd like to pick: you mentioned that the Computer Club president was tricked into touching Haruhi's breasts... actually, Haruhi tricked him into appearing to molest Mikuru, not Haruhi herself.)

Haruhi's counterargument was equally well presented, and Jinnai's insertion of the whole Makoto aspect was well-placed. If there was any weakness at all to be found, it was that Jinnai seemed to accept the idea of turning to a life of scientific exploration a bit too easily. It wasn't totally clear how such a thing would enable him to one-up Makoto, which, as he had just mentioned, seemed to be at the heart of his whole motivation.

(After I thought about it for a bit, I suddenly realized how this COULD enable him to trump Makoto once and for all, and a rather delicious victory at that. If you want me to share my idea, I'll send you a PM; there's certainly a strong chance it's already something you have in mind.)

And then... Haruhi pushes things just too far, and Jinnai plunges back into the Dark Side! But Haruhi won't stand for it! It's a clash of wills like none other!

Then, at the end, some more Mwahahah villiany courtesy of Galus, with sad snow girl Yuki putting up with his cruelty. Not as awesome as the Haruhi/Jinnai scene, but still good.

This is a good example of a "talky" chapter that still keeps the audience riveted. There wasn't even a scrap of action to be had the whole chapter, but it was still a very good read.

62

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 22, 2009, 12:38:45 pm »

1) Is there any particular character that you feel I haven't given enough lines to given their importance within the El Hazard anime or within the Haruhi Suzumiya anime?

Not really that I can think of. There are some characters that have been "underrepresented" I guess you could say... but it's like I said before. Just because you have a huge cast doesn't mean you should feel obligated to shoehorn them all in.

Your story has done a pretty good job of spotlighting the characters that are actually central to the plot. Haruhi, Jinnai, Makoto, and Kyon are pretty much the star players in this particular drama, so it isn't a crime that Mikuru, Itsuki, the priestesses, and so on don't barge into every conversation.

2) Would you prefer decompressed story-telling or compressed story-telling the rest of the way? The following scenes are on the bubble, so to speak, depending on your answer...

I'm not really sure what you mean by "decompressed" vs "compressed", but I will say that "compressed" has the ominous sound of trying to fit too much into too little. Write the story in the way that feels best; don't feel like you have to please the audience by rushing to the "good stuff". In fact, I'm a HUGE fan of writing what you want and telling the audience to go screw themselves if they don't like it. While the author should always feel free to grow and develop based on audience criticizm, they should never feel obligated to slavishly bend to the audience's every whim.

Still, here's my opinions on your proposed scenes:

- A scene in which almost all of the protagonists talk amongst themselves about the Haruhi/Jinnai relationship/situation and how it impacts on the broader Alliance/Bugrom situation.

Sounds a bit boring, but could be a very important foundation for the alliance's eventual "forgiveness" of Jinnai, assuming that you DO intend to have Haruhi reform him. Noting how Jinnai's health and freedom could be important factors in establishing a lasting peace between Roshtaria and the Bugrom might be an important thing to establish early on.

- A poignant Jinnai/Groucho scene that will take place AFTER the big confrontation between Haruhi and Jinnai.

It's always great to see Jinnai getting sentimental. It's hard to tell if this is, strictly speaking, "necessary" or not; that all depends on what you plan on developing from it.

- A Fatora/Haruhi comedy scene

Honestly, this sounds like a riot. I'm honestly not sure how Haruhi would react. A lot of Haruhi fandom believes that Haruhi's probably bisexual, and it might be very amusing to see her turn the "predator" Fatora into the prey. I wanna see Haruhi nibbling on Fatora's ear and forcing her into cosplay outfits.

- The length and size and style of the Haruhi/Rune Venus/Fatora peace negotiation

Not too enthused about this one. I don't think a tremendous amount of screen time should be devoted to it. It does have some potential for helping to showcase just how hurt the Alliance has been by the Bugrom and how deep their grudges go.

Which of the above would you like for me to keep, and which are you willing to shed in order to get a quicker resolution (unless you're fine with six more chapters of course)?

Again, tell the story how it needs to be told, not the way your audience wants it to be told. Six more chapters? Sure, if that's what it takes!

63

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 22, 2009, 12:17:14 pm »

All right, I've taken a look at chapters 14 and 15, and here are my thoughts:

Chapter 14:

All told, I enjoyed Chapter 14 quite a bit!

You resolved the situation with Yuki (basically, how the heck Haruhi was going to escape a determined Demon God) quite well, with the unveiling of Mikuru's new MIKURU BEEEEAM! It does stand to reason that the awesome power of the Mikuru Beam could be enough to damage a Demon God - and that Galus wouldn't want to risk the loss of such a powerful asset so soon.

I definitely enjoy Yuki's dialogue, and also her self-analysis. You've done a great job of keeping her in-character. It's good to see her still working hard to find loopholes around her Demon-God-related slavery. I was also glad to see how quick Galus was in picking up on her attempts to stall his orders.

As for Mikuru's power, I'll admit that it was pretty predictable that that would be Mikuru's power, but honestly, it's just too amusing for me to complain about it.

I do have one complaint, but it's more a gripe against the comic industry (or, heck, pop fiction in general) than against your story. Jinnai, predictably, is back from the dead. While this didn't surprise me, he's the third character in this story to miraculously recover from lethal injury (the first being Galus, and the second Itsuki). It's really quite annoying how the popular trend is for characters to be resurrected at the whims of the author. Frankly, it makes death a cheap trick. It's hard to place any emotional weight on a death when you know the author is going to bring a character back in the next chapter - and even if the author throws in a twist and the character is REALLY dead, the emotional hit doesn't show up until the death confirmation. The actual death itself still isn't very moving.

Anyway, my position is this: If you aren't going to kill off a character FOR REALZ, don't bother doing it at all unless there's a really good plot-related reason. If it's just to try to shock the audience, don't bother. Now, that obviously wasn't the case here - something nasty had to happen to Jinnai to set Haruhi off. But the Itsuki thing earlier just seemed kinda pointless.

Moving on, I was amused by the Ranma 1/2 cameo in the Bugrom doctor, Tofu. Given that Jinnai names his Bugrom, it seems likely he's a Ranma fan as well.

I enjoyed Haruhi's first taste of a full-blown Mizuhara rant (kinda makes me wonder if, as a Ranma 1/2 fan, Jinnai relates to Ryoga?), and very much enjoyed the fight she got into with Makoto as a result. Yes, it was definitely a battle in Haruhi's favor. To be honest, I wouldn't have put big money on Makoto even if he wasn't holding back. Haruhi's the type to fight DIRTY.

Speaking of that fight, I found it to be quite amusing, as well. It's not often that you see a low-powered, ordinary hand-to-hand battle in El-Hazard. They're usally all about the energy blasts, and super martial arts, and what have you. Two high-schoolers slugging it out turned out to be pretty awesome in its uniqueness!

Chapter 15:

To be honest, the start of chapter 15 caught me a bit by surprise. I expected you to carry the masquerade a bit further, but you actually sat Haruhi down and had her listen to the good guys for a while. Listen, and actually learn the truth (or, rather, an expanded view on the truth).

I was a bit bemused at the Roshtarian guard who dismissed Haruhi as a threat due to the fact that she's just a young girl - in particular considering that a young boy not much older has the well-deserved title of war criminal. Oh well - no reason there can't be double standards in Roshtaria just as there are on our world!

Still, they did have Makoto vouching for her, so it's not too odd that they left her in his hands. I was amused at Makoto's willingness to forgive and forget the beating he took at Haruhi's hands. That's definitely in-character for him.

I enjoyed Haruhi's and Nanami's heart-to-heart about Jinnai - especially Nanami's barely restrained incredulity that anyone could fall for that crazy wierdo freak. This is probably the one place that I'd have forgiven you for Nanami to lose her upbeat attitude and just go ballistic - but it works even better this way, I think, with Nanami trying to be sympethetic. I especially enjoyed Haruhi's favorable comparison between the siblings, and Nanami's grudging admission that she has a point.

Haruhi's realization that Jinnai was a kindred spirit in wanting to change the world to suit his desires was a cool analogy, too. The desire to save him just as she herself had been "saved" by Kyon was a nice touch as well.

Two chapters of almost uniformly good stuff! My only real gripe was the "Oh my God you killed Kenny - juuuuust kidding!" you pulled with Jinnai, and even that wasn't wholely out-of-place. I look forward to seeing how Jinnai deals with Haruhi now that she wants to prevent his goals of world conquest (or, at least, of world conquest through violent means).

I'm also feeling just a bit sorry for the Shadow Tribe, now that they have been revealed as the masterminds behind Haruhi's woes. The forecast doesn't look good for them at all...

64

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 17, 2009, 08:10:17 am »

It's probably not a stretch to think that a girl with neigh-omnipotent (Galus' own term for it) power readings would be able to protect herself against an El Hazard demon god attack.

Ah... While I do understand your reasoning, this is something that has been itching at the back of my head since near the beginning, though I wasn't quite able to find the words to explain what was bugging me. Chalk it up to years of sci-fi and accepting "sensors" as nigh-omniscient magical devices.

I can accept that Galus and Nahato had some kind of Shadow Tribe doohickey that can scan a being and deterimine whether their power levels are OVER 9000!!! or not. I guess what was bugging me was that they were able to make all kinds of crazy assumptions as to just what that means.

If someone swallows a nuclear reactor, their power levels might be off the charts, but that doesn't mean that they can do anything with that power other than crap it out later (if you'll pardon the crude imagery). Admittedly, with the miraculous restoration of the Bugrom Horde, Galus and Nahato did have a clue that Haruhi is able to do SOMETHING with that Phenominal Cosmic Power. Later they get to witness her shapeshifting as well.

However, there's still a huge, huge gap between these parlor tricks and unkillable, omnipotent god. It's not a stretch to assume that betraying Haruhi might cause her to unleash untold havoc, even if it's only in the form of spawning an enormous army of Bugrom, or shapeshifting into a monster. Neither of these talents, though, would necessarily protect her from a Demon God's determined assault, though, like Galus assumed they would. (They COULD, I suppose - she could summon Bugrom in front of her to absorb energy blasts ala Smash Bros. Princess Peach and Toad, or shapeshift to heal wounds - but I'm guessing that's not what Galus had in mind.)

While it might be reasonable on the Shadow Tribe's part for them to assume that someone with godlike power can use it as she chooses at first, they had Haruhi under near-continuous observation. After a while, the logical conclusion that they SHOULD have come to is that Haruhi has an ocean of power, but just a tiny little Bugrom-shaped spigot to use it with. Not exactly someone you can turn a Demon God against and expect to survive.

You could, of course, take the angle that the sensors the Tribe were using were capable both of detecting great power AND of detecting the unconscious ability to use that great power - but that seems a little far-fetched to me, even with my sci-fi-powered ability to suspend my disbelief.

You need to provide Galus both with the ability to detect her power and a believable way for him to reason out that she can use it in the way that he hopes. One way you could have handled this is something that would take a painful amount of rewriting to change now, so I don't recommend it. Basically, you could have let Yuki keep her memory, but still placed her under Shadow Tribe control. They could have grilled her for information and, being unable to resist commands, she could have spilled the beans on Haruhi's unconscious control of her abilities. Basically, the Shadow Tribe detects Haruhi's power, they ask Yuki about it, and then all their assumptions later on make sense.

65

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 15, 2009, 12:13:44 pm »

All right! Chapter thirteen.

We start off with the confrontation with Nanoha. It seems that I was correct in my guess about "Ifurita Eleven". Nanoha reveals a bit more of her past, including an allusion to El-Hazard Nazis! Well, Nazi-like fascists, as any rate, but still acceptable shorthand for the kind of Social Evil that would be required to change a good-hearted girl like Nanoha into a cold-blooded assassin. (Damn those Nazis!)

Then, Kyon semi-reforms her and she heads off to go find herself, leaving our heroes free to obtain Itsuki's cure and head back.

All in all, a decently handled section. The action was good, though it made me kind of wonder just what Galus was thinking sending Nanoha in alone against a set of superpowered humans. They were able to disarm and restrain her pretty easily, with Nanami to counter her illusions and Kyon to nullify her weapons. I was glad to see Kyon had a little trouble pinning her down; one would think that an assassin would be able to handle herself in a fight, even unarmed.

Nothing much to say on the Itsuki premonition scene or Fujisawa's rescue of Fatora.

I'm not sure that I was able to buy into the tactical logic presented by Jinnai in splitting up his group so that he could fly with Haruhi into Floristica. Jinnai claimed that it would make the group more difficult to trap... and while it's true that it'd make it tougher to trap the WHOLE group, it pretty much doubles the chance that PART of the group will get caught, which will alert the rest of the city that an infiltration is underway. Probably more than double, actually, since the method Jinnai chose to get in was to change Haruhi into a winged girl with a huge, easy-to-spot 20-foot wingspan and fly into a well-defended city that is doubtless well-prepared to notice invasions by air (Bugrom do have fliers, after all).

On the other hand, a night-time flight with the two of them alone is a heckuva lot more romantic than slogging through the sewers with a slew of Bugrom. Which I'm guessing was the real point here. Still, you gotta admit it was a bit contrived.

And, at last, we come to the closure of Galus's trap, and Jinnai's noble sacrifice. I found myself a bit confused while reading this as to what, exactly, Galus's plan actually was. It seemed to be his intent to make Haruhi go berserk, and while Jinnai's death may, indeed, cause this, Yuki's actions seem a bit odd.

It seems that Yuki was honestly aiming for Haruhi, given the little blurb that mentioned how she couldn't bring herself to take another shot. If she was honestly gunning for Haruhi, then it seems like Galus was expecting Haruhi would be able to survive a direct assault from a Demon God, and still have enough left in her to savage the world. That's an awfully big assumption, considering that the only evidence that Galus has that Haruhi has godlike power is the fact that she was able to restore the Bugrom Empire quickly; what in that implies immortality?

Or, possibly, Galus sent Yuki with clear instructions to kill Haruhi and was COUNTING on Jinnai sacrificing his life. This was taking a pretty tremendous risk, both in assuming that Jinnai would take the shot AND that his emotionless and absolutely obedient Demon God would be too shaken up to finish Haruhi off afterwards. Haruhi wouldn't be able to do much to wreck the world if she was shot in the back by Yuki while grieving over Jinnai. There's calculated risks, and there's million-to-one odds; this would be the latter.

I guess it would help if we knew exactly what orders Galus gave to Yuki. If he ordered Yuki to draw Jinnai into taking the shot, then it all makes sense. If he ordered Yuki to shoot Haruhi not to kill, but to wound her while making it look as though she was trying to kill her, that would make sense as well (we'd still have the "Haruhi feels betrayed by her Brigade" angle if Haruhi believed Yuki was trying to kill her). In the latter case, Jinnai's taking the shot was just a fortunate bonus.

I guess the bulk of the confusion is because Yuki is apparently supposed to keep shooting at Haruhi. If that can be explained away, then that might solve the problem.

Oh, and yeah, Jinnai's dead. Let's see if you have the guts to keep him that way. HaHAhAHAhAHahaHAHAhaHA!!!

66

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 12, 2009, 12:00:23 pm »

I can explain what I meant in a PM to you if you'd like. I'd rather not spell it out here, though, because it might spoil Rowan (and anybody else following the story).

Nah, no need for you to spoil me, either, unless you really want my advice on whatever matter it is, in which case feel free to PM me and I'll give it a shot.

If you don't tell me, though, there's a fair chance that I'll completely miss it and you'll realize you were just being paranoid.

67

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 12, 2009, 08:17:14 am »

Yup, this was a good chapter.

In this chapter, Jinnai prepares to walk into a trap, and Kyon unknowingly walks into a trap.

I was kind of expecting that Jinnai would attempt to hide the fact that he knew that the Alliance would never stoop to meaningless torture in order to help turn Haruhi against them, but instead it seems that he's actually decided to give credit where it is due. Too bad none of his allies were actually able to believe him.

Still, it's nice to see that he can recognize the obvious trap. And it's a good excuse for everyone to cosplay! Haruhi and Mikuru (or, rather, Ryoko and Mikuru) get to dress up in those palace attendant outfits, and Jinnai... well, we've witnessed the return of Groundskeeper Fred! I do enjoy these occasional homages to The Wanderers, I must admit.

Kyon's powers are seeming more and more Magneto-like every time he uses them. That's not a criticism, just an observation.

And, Nanoha returns to action! I find Galus's interactions with her to be somewhat intriguing... While he seems to have a kind of soft spot for her, it seems that he also has absolutely no problem using her as a disposable tool. It's almost like, "In respect to my daughter, I won't kill or severely punish Nanoha for her failures, but if she dies on a dangerous mission I won't lose any sleep over it." Admittedly, this sort of callous almost-affection is something that I could see from a ruthless character like Galus.

And, at the very end of the chapter, Ifurita Eleven! Honestly, I think she's going to exist for about as long as it takes for Nanami to reveal that she's actually Nanoha under a Shadow Tribe illusion, but if it really is a new Ifurita model then it'll be fun to see how Kyon and his friends deal with her.

This chapter was mostly solid, but it does have something of a weak spot in Ura's introduction. Reading the passage almost made me feel like the author suddenly thought, "Oh, crap! I completely forgot about Ura! I gotta make up an excuse as to why she wasn't around!" Admittedly, this deeply into the story it would have been difficult to mix Ura back in without it coming off as awkward, so I'm not sure what could make this passage better. Probably the best solution would have been to have returned to earlier sections of the work and added new content to support the sudden reintroduction of Ura later.

Anyway, good job, and keep writing! I was a bit confused when you mentioned that "I wouldn't like the chapters after this". Honestly, you'd have to work VERY hard to drive this story into the dirt before I'd actually start disliking it. I presume by your apprehension that you plan on going ahead with your plans to add Nanoha as an extra crossover element, as that's really the only part of the story that I might have come across as dead-set against. I'd like to assure you that even that wouldn't be enough to turn me off. I think it's a questionable direction to take the story in, but there's still plenty of good stuff here.

If that's NOT what you meant... well, I guess I honestly can't think of what you might have in mind.

68

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 10, 2009, 01:16:44 pm »

Well, I thought it would be a good idea to get a lot of the "bringing people up to speed" elements dealt with in one chapter. I also wanted my main focus, for this chapter, to be on getting the Haruhi/Jinnai romance done right. What did you think of that in particular, by the way? Was the dialogue believable/in-character there?

Well... to be honest, the Haruhi/Jinnai thing so far is just something that I've decided to smile and nod on. You said yourself that it's something of a "crack pairing", and it really is. Guiding these two to a romance has required curbing their respective personalities in hundreds of tiny (and some not-so-tiny) ways, and so it's more generous than I can manage to say that I find it to be believable or in-character.

Like most crack pairings I've read in fanfiction, it's something that I've mostly decided to just ignore. Basically, "Well, the author seems dead-set on putting these two together... Eh, let him have his fun; as long as the rest of the story is good I can let it slide." Sorry I can't be more positive, but I'm simply not a subscriber to the "He's awesome, she's awesome, they'd be awesome together!" school of romance favored by so many fanfiction writers.

That said, I think the dialogue you've presented here is about as good as you're going to get. It seems, though, that Haruhi has totally forgotten that she believes love to be a mental illness.

With maybe one small exception in the very last chapter, this is the last recycled material that you'll see in this fanfic.

Good points on Nanami. I was planning to have a bit of a heated confrontation between Haruhi and Nanami at a later juncture, but I might scrap that now, given what you said about Nanami. I guess I kind of liked to have somebody be the bad cop to Makoto's good cop (because Makoto certainly can't be the bad cop  ). Somebody to really push some buttons. Still, I'll try to soften up Nanami a bit.

Well, it's a little too late to develop it now, but I'd say Shayla-Shayla should have been your girl if you wanted a "bad cop". She's quick-tempered, short-sighted, quick to accuse and to blame, loves to nurse grudges, and hates to admit when she's wrong. Her initial encounter with Kyon would have been perfect for setting her on a road in which she distrusts Kyon and anyone that considers Kyon a friend.

Of course, eventually she'd realize that she's wrong about him, but pride would prevent her from ever truly giving up the "bad cop" role.

Naturally, all this would place her relationship with Kyon as being dangerously similar to her relationship with Makoto in the original series. Since I've already complained enough about "recycled material", it's probably best in the end that you didn't follow this path!

Is it fair to say that you prefer less talking/more action?

Nah, don't take me wrong on that. I have no problem with the last chapter being talky. Sometimes you just have to develop the overall situation rather than continue plunging the heroes and villians into direct conflict.

69

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 10, 2009, 09:04:16 am »

Hmm... Characters you've not done justice to? If I had to pick one, I'd probably have to say Nanami. She seems to be constantly offering up suspicion and mistrust toward the newcomers. While she IS pretty smart and might pick up on some of the half-truths Kyon and Itsuki have been showing, canon Nanami tends to be more the trusting sort.

Nanami is first and foremost an optimist. When she saw Kiriya approaching Makoto with a dagger, she was merely curious, not afraid. When she first saw Nahato, she thought he was adorable in spite of the fact that she knew the Phantom Tribe was antagonistic. She was also thrilled to learn of the political marriage between Roshtaria and the Phantom Tribe. While she has her off moments (mostly related to women who want to warm up to Makoto), Nanami just about always meets new faces with warmth and friendship, and only becomes antagonistic when they prove themselves to be enemies.

Your Operation: Permanent Vacation rap was cute. You're probably right, though: it doesn't really fit with the tone of your story as a whole. (Heck, even in "The Wanderers", it was more an omake than an actual part of the story.)

Now, Chapter Eleven. This was a filler chapter with not much plot progression or action. It was mostly about people finding out stuff. The Roshtarians found out about Haruhi's and Mikaru's involvement with the Bugrom. Haruhi found out about Itsuki's "torture" at the hands of the Roshtarians. Yuki found out about her former friendships with the SOS Brigadiers. Haruhi and Jinnai found out about their mutual attraction. It's not a bad thing for all this to be happening, but it doesn't leave me much to comment on.

Gannan's indoctrination into the SOS Brigade was amusing and interesting.

It was fun to see Yuki figure things out a bit, though I'm not sure that Yuki would be the sort to express her emotions to the point where she would glare at Galus as she did. At any rate, I look forward to seeing how she confronts the problem of being an unwilling servant rather than a willing one.

There was a little more recycled material here, with Haruhi's reenactment of the "Big Raid Medal" presentation.

Nanami's pouncing on Kyon after finding out about Haruhi and Mikuru seemed a bit excessive, but I think I covered that well enough above.

And that's about it! The story has moved forward, or at least sideways. I look forward to reading more!

70

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 08, 2009, 02:16:12 pm »

Now that I've read the rest of this thread with Rowan's critiques, I thought I'd bring up a couple of additional things:

First off, yes, I noticed the story spinning in the hazy direction of a Jinnai/Haruhi pairing, and I don't object. I will note, however, that while Jinnai's leanings are pretty clear, I can't say the same for how Haruhi feels about Jinnai. It could just be that she hasn't had the same opportunities to "bend to accomodate" Jinnai as he has had for her, but at the moment the only vibe I'm getting from her toward Jinnai is how excited she is to be associating with someone that has so much influence over aliens. I'm just not picking up on the romance on her end, while it's blatantly clear on Jinnai's, as much as he'd deny it.

I will say, by the way, that you're wrong about me not being "pro-Haruhi/Kyon". I LOVE the pairing; their faults and virtues seem to complement each other perfectly, with Haruhi's endless enthusiasm and commanding personality drawing Kyon out of his complacency, and Kyon's caution and rational thinking helping to keep Haruhi from spiralling too far out of control. I'm not so fanatical about the pairing that I'd condemn a story that doesn't include it, but I'll definitely say that it's my favorite pairing from the Haruhi franchise. (Yuki/Kyon is a distant second; I see some potential there, but I've yet to read a fanfic that attempts it without unforgivably mauling Yuki's character.)

Honestly, if you're going to try to pair Kyon with someone, I'd prefer to see it with someone from the El-Hazard side of the cast - or even one of your originals. I already mentioned that the interaction with Nanoha during the assassination attempt was cute. If you were REALLY ambitious you could expand in the weird rapport they seem to share and hook him up with Fatora - though, that would require a sexual orientation shift on her part or a gender shift on his and no doubt enrage Fatora fans across the world.

Don't worry TOO much about Kyon, though. It's dangerous territory to get too worked up about pairing up characters in fanfics. All too many wind up tied in horrific knots due to the author's paranoia about leaving anyone without a partner; write the story you intend, and if Kyon's meant for someone then it'll just happen.

I'd noticed Nahato's and Galus's "blandness" as well, but as has been mentioned it's kind of their schtick.

On Kyon's sister... Honestly, I disagree with Rowan on that point. I doubt Kyon would worry too much about his sister. As far as he know's she's perfectly fine at home. The only times that Kyon even seems to think much about his sister are when they're actually together (at which times he tends to lament about what a pest she is), or when his sister is legitimately in danger (such as on the island during the murder mystery sequence). He might think about his sister, but I think it'd be more in the context of missing his family, in which case he'd think about his mother and father as well. Kyon's definitely not the stereotypical anime brother who has a little sister complex.

71

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 08, 2009, 01:54:47 pm »

I have returned from my vacation! And I see that you have written plenty more fanfic for me to enjoy!

With so much new material, I'll try to keep my critiques brief, so this doesn't go on and on forever.

Chapter 6:

The scene in the Bistro was well-handled, with all kinds of characters coming together at once and behaving as they should. Fujisawa's gallantry was marvelous, and Mikuru's nigh-heroic attempts to maintain her composure, followed by her near-hero-worship of Fujisawa were all very much in-character. It was fun to see the interactions of your original characters, Prince Randorm and the Saturn brothers. Then Fatora's lechery, and the Bugrom stumbling onto the scene - so much chaos!

Then, the chase, the Shadow Tribe's ensuring a Bugrom victory, Makoto's and SOS Man's face-off - I have no complaints about any of it. In fact this whole chapter was great!

Typo: "harms" should be "arms"

Chapter 7:

Aw, no triumph over Makoto for Jinnai! I sometimes feel sorry for the guy. Still, he managed quite the consolation prize with the capture of Fatora and Mikuru!

I really enjoyed Diva's heart-to-heart with Haruhi. You've developed her character well - perhaps even better than the original source material, if saying so isn't a heresy of the highest degree. Diva's speech shows her as being quite understanding of her role as Queen, and sheds new light onto why she decided to grant Jinnai as much power as she has. (The original, conversely, painted Diva as being somewhat dimwitted.)

Jinnai seems to have a crush on Haruhi... Very nice. Could see some interesting things there.

Itsuki and Kyon want to reform Jinnai? There's a tall order. The crush could help, though... not to mention Haruhi's "new vision" for the Bugrom.

Galus is taking Itsuki and Kyon seriously... bad news for them. At least we'll be seeing more of Demon God Yuki soon!

Chapter 8:

Haruhi and Mikuru, reunited at last! And now... Mikuru has to clean the fortress! I'm seeing shades of Wanderers-version Ifurita here, and I definitely approve. Mikuru needs some Wanderers-version Ifurita cosplay to make the image complete.  

It was good to see that Itsuki's plans to split off from the rest of the team with Kyon didn't work out without some compromise, in the form of Fujisawa accompanying them. He worked out well, too, in that he's probably the only one among them that would be open to the idea of reforming Jinnai (as you noted at the end of the chapter). Somehow, I doubt the alliance will be all that eager to let a war criminal like Jinnai get off scot-free, even if they DO manage to reform him.

I was definitely not too pleased with the backstory involving Galus's wife Precia and their child Alicia. Up until now, you've limited your crossover tendencies with a few names and gadgets here and there (excepting, of course, the main crossover of Haruhi and El-Hazard), but now it looks like Nanoha's being added as a third leg. You're running a lot of risk of overcomplicating the story.

Probably what most annoys me, though, is the reference of Precia being a "mage". All of the magic-like abilities in El-Hazard (and, indeed, in Haruhi, as well) are explained as being the product of science and technology - magic doesn't exist in either continuity. Even the priestesses don't refer to their powers as "magic". In the continuity of Nanoha, on the other hand, while they do use devices to enact their spells and abilities they are clearly regarded as magical.

I might be being a bit overcritical, though; the denizens of El-Hazard do seem to be superstitious enough to believe in prophesies, and I think I remember Londs mentioning "Sorcery" or "Dark magic" or something along those lines. Even so, the presentation of the story seemed to imply that magic does not exist.

Chapter 9:

The battle between Kyon's team and Yuki's, was... okay. It had a decent amount of action, but it struck me as being a bit too similar to Makoto's encounters with Ifurita, with Yuki being alternately confused and infuriated by Kyon's and Itsuki's attempts to reason with her. Fujisawa's leap-on-the-staff trick was repeated here, as well.

We have a little more development of Nanoha Inverse from a heartless Shadow Tribe assassin into... well, into Nanoha Takamichi. Galus's and Nahato's play-by-play only serves to rub it in. I have to admit, though, that I'm kind of a sucker for the whole "beautiful assassin falters because the hero charms her" thing so it's hard for me to complain too much. I wonder if Nanoha's going to fall for Kyon?

Then, there's Itsuki's supposed death... At the moment, I don't doubt for a moment that he'll pull through somehow - but if he doesn't, and actually stays dead, that's a pretty darned bold move. I wonder how stoic Yuki would react, once getting her memories back, in knowing that she'd killed one of her own friends?

Typo: "signal" should be "single".

Chapter 10:

Yup, Itsuki's not quite dead. I'm neither pleased nor disappointed by this development. It's just kinda there; a bland part of the story to digest before getting back to the spicy stuff. It did interrupt the heroes' plans to find and talk to Jinnai and Haruhi - but honestly, I think I'd have found a plot like that more interesting than the find-a-cure-in-six-days plot we have.

It's good to see Yuki starting to put two and two together. Of course, even when she realizes the answer is four, that may not change her loyalty to the Shadow Tribe - even if she was once friends with our heroes, that doesn't change the fact that she's still a demon god servant. It'll be interesting to see how she takes the revelation.

Haruhi revelling in her new chambers was fun, and it's good to see Mikuru keeping her good company. For her sake, Haruhi will hopefully soon become aware of Jinnai's... overenthusiastic methods for "expanding" the SOS Brigade in time to prevent its and her own reputation from being too thoroughly muddied!

Overall:

I'm still enjoying this story, and the "good" is still far outweighing the "bad". I put those in quotes, of course, because the "bad" here is mostly just my personal opinion. While it's good to see original characters like Nanoha Inverse receiving some character development, I'm not personally comfortable with seeing that development leading to an additional crossover element.

That, along with a bit of "recycled plot", are my only complaints this time around. The rest of it was at least good, and frequently great. Please, keep up the good work!

72

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: May 24, 2009, 02:36:37 pm »

I took a look at chapters four and five. I'm afraid this will likely be my last review for a while; I'm going on vacation starting next week, and won't have ready Internet access for much of that time.

Anyway these chapters introduced another stroke of fanfiction brilliance: SOS MAN! Again, it's so perfectly Haruhi for her to insist on such a thing, and so perfectly Jinnai for him to be so taken aback by it. I was intensely amused to see how he eventually settled into the role, though, and look forward to more amazing exploits of SOS Man!

Haruhi becoming Bugrom Queen was an interesting touch. (I presume that's the element that you meant when you said you had it planned all along, and it wasn't a "correction"?) It flowed very well, and it was an excellent explanation for Diva's composure at how enthusastic her Bugrom subjects were about Haruhi's transformation. Diva's revelation that there was more to the prophesy that she shared with Jinnai was an interesting touch. It's all too easy to believe that Diva would have kept the prophesy of the great setback from Jinnai when she saw how well he was doing.

I chuckled when Diva held Haruhi back from adventuring with Jinnai due to her new duties as Bugrom Queen. It seems that her new job is not all fun and adventure, as she thought it would be! I wonder how long Haruhi's enthusiasm will hold out once she learns she has to deal with a lot of boring stuff, too.

I'm also quite interested as to how seriously you're taking this Bugrom prophesy stuff. If it really is as accurate as you're making it out to be, does that mean that the Bugrom will eventually rise to glory? And if so, just what exactly will that mean for the Allied Nations?

Anyway, back to the Roshtarians. Fatora seems to be getting along with Kyon about as well as a person with her personality possibly could. The dynamics between these two presents an interesting take on Fatora that I don't think anyone previously has even attempted. Heck, the very idea of her even forming friendships seems a bit beyond the pale. From what we've seen of Fatora, she seems to divide the world population into four categories: Big Sister, Alielle, sexual conquests, and slaves. Unlike most folks in the slave category, she doesn't seem quite as inclined to treat Kyon like dirt. Maybe his submissive personality appeals to her? Kyon's sort of nervously half-hearted enthusasm about her chumminess is perfect as well.

I thought it was a little too convenient that Makoto correctly guessed so many things about Yuki just by a picture of her, but I suppose that's okay since Yuki's character design was pretty much created to emphasize those stereotypes - a cute, glasses-wearing geek girl to appeal to the sizable viewer demographic that goes for that kind of thing. It seems that Makoto himself is part of that demographic...

Fatora's and Alielle's gushing over the sexy pictures of Mikuri and Haruhi was to be expected. It seems a bit strange that Itsuki would choose such... provacative pictures to show to the group when he could have just showed them the normal pictures and left it at that. Then again, he's kind of a strange guy. It's probably best for the sake of Kyon's composure that there was no need for Itsuki to show of his undoubtedly large and embarrassing Kyon picture collection.

Something that I didn't really notice until the Bugrom's attack on the three priestesses was that you avoided a very common difficulty in fanfiction (and, indeed, even in the canon): you avoided bringing the whole friggin' cast along on the adventure! This is quite commendable, as a large cast is awkward and usually the reasons for them all tagging along are contrived or nonexistant. A group of seven is much more managable, and you were able to pay proper respect for the left-out cast through cameos like this one. Kudos!

And now, the Shadow Tribe. Unlike the Roshtarians' somewhat-hard-to-swallow powers of perception, the conclusions they drew about Haruhi were presented pretty logically. The reemergence of Galus as Mecha-Galus was a bit comic-booky, I'll admit, but this entire fanfiction is written in a distinctly comic-booky manner, with significant nouns and verbs italicized for no apparent reason. So it is, perhaps, forgivable.

I was a bit curious about Yuki's "powers of invisibility". Are those the powers she gained as a human travelling to El-Hazard? Does this mean that Yuki's human body qualified to grant her the power, even though her data reconfigured itself to demon god afterwards? Or are these invisibility powers something the Shadow Tribe gave her when the scientists were tinkering with her?

Yuki's amnesia is a good angle to take with her. Normally, she's a bit of a tough character to write since her reality-altering powers and her link to the Integrated Data Entity gives her so very much deus-ex-machina potential. With her knowledge of herself and others so limited, it gives a lot of leeway in granting her some interesting character development.

Lastly, it seems that you have something in the works with Mikuru and the impending visit of the Duroslandian noble. I'm curious to see how that plays out!

As you can see, I had very little to actually complain about this time - your writing is definitely shaping up! I leave you now with a typo to fix: "ring Kyon's neck" in Chapter 4 should be "wring Kyon's neck".

73

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: May 19, 2009, 09:12:48 am »

And Chapter 3 is complete! :

http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068

Just scroll down to where "Chapter 3 - The First Night of Haruhi Suzumiya" begins.

Big thanks to Spanner for really inspiring me with the earlier constructive criticism. It gave me a lot of great ideas for the protagonist scenes!

And... read it!

All right, before I go into the main review, I thought I'd mention something. You seem to be trying a little too hard to please your reviewers. Remember that our critiques are intented to help you improve your writing, not a demand for you to change what you're doing!

That said, I've noticed that you seem to go to great lengths to try to "cover up" things that I've pointed out as being iffy in previous chapters. For example:

Chapter 1: Kyon: Outta the way! *barges past guards, leaps into the Priestess's springs*
Spanner's comments: Kyon seems a bit impulsive here...
Chapter 2: Kyon: Oh, sorry about that. I'm usually not so impulsive, but, y'know, I was thirsy 'n all...

or this:

Chapter 2: Afura: Schools? Well, there's the royal academy... and that place where we priestesses train. That's pretty much it!
Spanner's comments: What, only two schools on the entire continent?
Chapter 3: Makoto: Oh, we thought you meant non-destroyed schools! Oh, we've got OODLES of schools if you include the ones the Bugrom burned down. Those darned Bugrom! In fact, we spend a lot of time repairing schools.
Fujisawa: Hey, I have an idea! Let's go repair some schools right now!
Everyone: Yay!

I was being a little silly there, but I hope you see what I'm getting at. It's not a good idea to use our criticism to try to paint over your mistakes.

Writing sections in chapters to "explain away" mistakes in previous chapters is like turning a spotlight on those mistakes. Readers that might have missed or chosen to forgive those mistakes suddenly have their faces shoved into them, making them impossible to ignore.

Instead, you should use our criticism to improve your work in the future - or if you really strongly agree with the criticism, you can consider going back and rewriting sections of previous chapters. Just because a chapter is posted doesn't mean that it's set in stone!

Okay, with all that said, here's my impressions of chapter 3:

The Bugrom sections continue to please, and the interactions between Haruhi and Jinnai are a lot of fun. Haruhi's new shape-changing abilities are cool (I'd love to see fanart of Bugrom Queen Haruhi  ). It'll be interesting to see just how extensive they are (can she only change into a Bugrom? Can she change into any type of creature? Can she imitate other people? Or change into non-living objects? etc), and how she plans to use them. I must say that Queen Diva seemed a bit blase about the idea that Haruhi might be the new Bugrom Queen. She doesn't feel threatened by that? Then again, Diva's always been a pretty passive character, caving into Jinnai's desires all the time as she does.

The section with Mikuru was very well-written! I think you captured her personality perfectly, as someone who always tries her best but is hampered by her timidity and the fact that she's not exactly the sharpest wheel of cheddar in the dairy. Hang in there, Mikuru!

There were some clear improvements in the "good guy" sections this time around. Kyon is definitely behaving more Kyon-like. I was smiling broadly at the section where Kyon was wrestling internally between the desire to protect Mikuru's virtue from Fatora and the inability to lie about her wondrous beauty. That's pure Kyon, right there! For all his eloquence about defending the innocent and helpless girl, when it actually comes down to protecting her he never seems to manage to pull it off, does he? Itsuki's philosophical monologue was nice to see as well.

It was good to see a little more creativity in regards to the geography and terminology of El-Hazard, but given how many names and terms were spouted off in such a small space, I worry a bit that you might be overcorrecting.

The introduction of Kyon's and Itsuki's El-Hazard powers seemed a bit sudden, and felt a bit like the "please the reviewers" stuff I mentioned above. Still, now that they're here, I do find them to be satisfactory. Kyon's magnetic powers have some interesting potential, and Itsuki's powers are actually what I'd privately predicted they'd be: the ability to use his esper abilities outside of Closed Space.

The story's moving along swimmingly, and I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more. Keep writing!

-Aaron

74

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: May 18, 2009, 10:53:55 am »

Rowan - Thanks a lot!    Haruhi Suzumiya is my favorite character from her own anime, and Katsuhiko Jinnai is my favorite El Hazard character... so the scenes with both of them in it will probably be my best work.  

It's certainly the scenes I enjoy writing the most.

Here's an update!: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068


Just scroll down to where "Chapter 2 - The Alliance of Haruhi Suzumiya" begins.

All right! I checked out chapter two. The interactions between Jinnai and Haruhi continue to be quite hilarious. Two individuals with a remarkable talent for hearing only what they want to hear... pair them off, and watch them come to some amazing conclusions! I thought that Groucho's... attraction to Haruhi was a bit weird at first - but then again, given that Queen Diva is a rather sexy babe herself, it's certainly possible that Bugrom tastes in females may run in that direction.

The interactions with the Roshtaria crowd were a bit weaker, I'm afraid. I was a little confused as to why Kyon and Itsuki were asking about things like schools and sightseeing, as though they were visiting tourists. One would think that their priority would be to locate their missing members! Kyon would be especially worried about Mikuru, since he tends to regard her as a very fragile and delicate girl.

Speaking of Mikuru, Nanami's mentioning her experience as a waitress and how that fate might have befallen one of their companions seemed WAY too convenient. Given how randomly the group was scattered, it's quite a leap of deduction to guess that anyone else would have landed in the desert, let alone that they'd wind up working as a waitress. If you meant that as a plot hook to give our heroes someplace to start looking... well, I feel it could have been done better.

On the topic of sightseeing... You seemed to be a little overcautious in adding your own touches to the world of El-Hazard. It's strange to assume, for instance, that the Roshtarian Acadamy is the only school in El-Hazard! When Kyon asked about places of learning, Dr. Schtalubaugh should have been able to rattle off several, even if none are quite as majestic as the Academy. The Alliance is made of many allied nations, and surely they don't all send every student to Roshtaria to learn!

It actually made me chuckle, too, when the Priestesses referred to their own Alma Mater as "that place where we priestesses go to train". If you don't have a name, make one up! El-Hazard is a huge and wonderful place, and the OAV only touched on a scant handful of the continent. Don't be afraid to make up your own places of interest, or to fill out details that the OAV left out. Go beyond just the people and places mentioned in the show!

It seems a little strange that the Roshtarian group hasn't asked about any strange powers that Kyon and Itsuki might have developed. To date, every Earthling that's come to El-Hazard has recieved a special power of some kind. While it doesn't necessarily follow that the Haruhi group will also get powers (they came to El-Hazard in a different manner than Makoto's group, after all), the Roshtarians should certainly suspect that such powers could exist!

It was nice to see Fatora and Alielle introduced to the group. It was particularly interesting to see that Kyon seems to have taken a shine to her, in spite of her misandronistic ways (I guess Kyon is so used to being abused by domineering women that Fatora doesn't seem so bad in retrospect). I kind of hope to see this develop further - though it's kind of hard to imagine Fatora actually warming up to Kyon. I shudder to imagine what will happen once Fatora meets Mikuru... Poor Mikuru!

As for the close of the chapter, in which the Shadow Tribemen get their hands on Yuki, whose data has been reconfigured to resemble a Demon God's... I'm cautiously optimistic. It's potentially an interesting twist, but there are many ways it could be poorly handled. Try not to have Yuki's new role too closely match Ifurita's!

All in all, another great chapter! Your primary weakness seems to be in handling the good guys, as I haven't really found any flaws with the sections dealing with the Bugrom or the Shadow Tribe. I don't know if it's because you have a better feel for the villians, or if those are the sections that you simply enjoy writing more (making the good guy sections a "necessary evil", in a way). You also seem to be a bit timid in developing and expanding the world of El-Hazard, and stick too closely to the people and places referenced in the show. Once you shore up those deficiencies this will be a solid piece of fanfiction.

75

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: May 12, 2009, 06:57:18 am »

Not bad! It's good to still see folks with enthusiasm for writing new El-Hazard fanfic. I particularly enjoyed Haruhi's encounter with Groucho, and his total inability to resist her rapacious advances.  

If I had any complaint, it would be that your story seems to be relying a bit too much on recycled humor. You have Mikuru doing the waitress gig in the desert, just like Nanami. You had Kyon encounter the priestesses in the hot springs, just like Makoto. The latter case was particularly awkward, as Kyon's incaution just didn't seem terribly in-character for him. Barging past guards and leaping head-first into who-knows-what seems more Haruhi's style than Kyon's!

All complaints aside, it seems to be a pretty solid story so far and I look forward to seeing more. Let us know when you update!