Edit reply for Rowan: No problem on the late review. I'm Canadian, and so July 4th isn't a big holiday for me personally, but... if I can have this fanfic finished by July 3rd, would that be soon enough for you to read and review it all, or would you rather me hold off the final chapter until, say, July 6th?
Three special questions for both Spanner and Rowan...1) Did you like the Alielle/Fatora dialogue in Chapter 17? Basically, do you think I'm still writing them well?
2) Having had about 16 chapters of bugrom dialogue, how do you feel about it now? Do you like the personality that I've given Groucho, for example? Truthfully, my Groucho is highly inspired by 80s/early 90s western cartoons. I even tried to give him just a touch of Optimus Prime.
3) Pertaining to the climax, I'm weighing three options...  1) Cheesy and over-the-top, but hopefully really fun  2) Very intense, a bit dark, but you'll probably have to suspend disbelief a bit.  3) Most of the fun of 1 with less cheese, the intensity of 2 with less darkness, but more plot devicey than 1 or 2 ( not requiring suspension of disbelief, just plot devicey). Any preference between the 3?
And so, Chapter 18 and another step closer to the finale. Â There was some good, some bad, and a fair amount of entertainment in this update, and I'll start this review with the former. Â First, good job with Galus' dialogue and your choice of accented words. Â It's been long enough since I last watched the OVA series that I don't remember if this is how he talks and earlier in the story all the idioms came across as slightly strange to me, but they've grown on me and his speech patterns really conveyed a sense of menace here.
I also really liked Jinnai's scene where he rallied the Bugrom and departed in his rescue attempt.
 Groucho's ploy to get through to his master worked a bit quicker than I would have initially expected,
... but Jinnai isn't the type of person to hesitate when a decision needs to be made and you conveyed his sheer disgust at having to make such a promise quite well. Â His distaste at the tentative peace agreement with the Alliance also felt like a nice in-character touch, and his speech was simultaneously amusing and rousing. Â You have me genuinely interested in seeing how his devious mind copes with whatever defenses Galus has available.
Koizumi's anticipation of Galus's tactics was interesting and added a more cerebral element to this encounter, though I am slightly puzzled how Koizumi knew the Phantom Tribe had installed neural inhibiters in Yuki's head. Â
Does Makoto's targeting of the neural inhibitors also mean that he's been told about Yuki's alien status now, by the way?
Kyon had some entertaining bits of narrative, and I particularly liked his "Damn" at the end of his account of the triple agent. Â With so much going on in the previous chapter his sarcasm came across as a bit understated to me, and I'm glad to see it returning.
As for the bad, the Phantom Scope seems like something of a gimmick to me. Â I picture Dr. Schtalubaugh as more of the scholar-scientist type rather than a geneticist, and I don't remember him every displaying such proficiency with creating what appears to be a complex technological device. Â And Nanami's power is to see through Phantom Tribe illusions, not detect members of the Phantom Tribe,
 so the Scope's contrasting radar ability seems even odder to me.  Even assuming Dr. Schtalubaugh can create such a device using a sample of Nanami's DNA, though, if the party of would-be rescuers split into two groups why would one group (Afura's) take both the Scope AND Nanami?
That leaves Makoto, Kyon, and Koizumi defenseless against any Phantom Tribers they come across, and a really good illusionist such as Nahato could probably have taken them out even before they reached Yuki. Â Otherwise the members of the two parties made sense, but I'd really try to do something about this apparent oversight in logic.
Galus's method of dealing with Afura's party also REALLY felt like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon.
 That's not necessarily a bad thing since it was effective (though I'm left wondering why Afura didn't take to the air and fly the moment she felt the floor slide out from under her)
but between the trap door and subsequent "put them in chains and bring them to my throne room" that's the image I formed and recalling the likes of Shredder and Dr. Claw breaks the tension somewhat. Â I think one way of handling this might be to emphasize its cartoony character through Kyon's biting sarcasm and hammering in the point that despite how silly it appears it worked and everyone's in greater danger now.
You also have me wondering a bit about what exactly Galus's plan is. Â When it was revealed that he basically intended to have the protagonists walk into a death trap in the last chapter, I assumed his goal was to kill all of them while Haruhi watched and drive her to such anger and despair that she destroys the world. Â Now he seems to have changed his mind and is more interested in capturing Haruhi's power rather than obliterating El-Hazard...or is he pursuing both and keeping the rescuers alive so he can murder them later if the Phantom Tribe's science proves incapable of copying/transferring their prisoner's powers?
 I'm confused on this point.Otherwise, the chapter's all right.  Not one of my favorites, but it moved the story along and featured some compelling developments. With so many people in one place, though, a lot of the secondary characters felt understated to me.
I think one of your bigger challenges is going to be doing justice to such a huge and dynamic cast now that most of them are all assembled (or are assembling) together in one place. Â Anyway, good luck with your writing and thanks for sharing.
who knows, maybe there will be more story to tell. Would you be interested, Spanner?
Finally, I intended for Yuki to maintain all of her original abilities, and simply add El Hazard demon god ones to them. Mind you, I did this with out knowing just how powerful Yuki was... yikes!
BTW - Haruhi and Jinnai are the same age. They're both 17, according to Absolute Anime, If I remember correctly.
3) Pertaining to the climax, I'm weighing three options... 1) Cheesy and over-the-top, but hopefully really fun 2) Very intense, a bit dark, but you'll probably have to suspend disbelief a bit. 3) Most of the fun of 1 with less cheese, the intensity of 2 with less darkness, but more plot devicey than 1 or 2 ( not requiring suspension of disbelief, just plot devicey). Any preference between the 3?
Sorry I've been out of touch; last week was unexpectedly busy.
As such, I haven't had a chance to read your new material yet. I thought I'd pop in and answer your questions, however:I might indeed.
Remember, at the start of the series (or first, novel, if you prefer), both Kyon and Haruhi are beginning their first year of High School, which, in the US, would be tenth grade. When you first see them, they are both fifteen years old, though might have become sixteen at some point during the first year. If Absolute Anime lists them as seventeen, I'd say they're either mistaken, or using Haruhi's age from the later novels (I'm not sure how many years the Haruhi franchise covers). Another possibility is that both of them were held back a year - but that seems extremely unlikely, as Haruhi is supposed to be a brilliant student, and Kyon is, at the very least, average (though given his distinct philosophical bent, I'd say he's probably a lot brighter than he gives himself credit for).
Well, it's like I said earlier; I thought that Fatora seemed a little too restrained, though, again, that could be attributed to their current surroundings. She actually asks Haruhi's permission to drag her into bed, and takes no for an answer!Alielle seemed spot-on, though; I have no complaints about her dialogue. Fatora's off-handed way of discarding Alielle when it was convenient seemed in-character for Fatora, as well. If you're asking strictly about the dialogue between these two characters, rather than the dialogue of these two character with each other and with everyone else, I'd have to say it's good work.
I think your interpretation of Groucho is perfectly legitimate, and I enjoy it quite a bit!
All three options sound tempting, though it's really hard to make a judgment without knowing exactly what you have in mind. I will admit that the bit about supension of disbelief seems a bit ominous; best to avoid stretching that unless absolutely necessary. I guess I'd have to side with Rowan and say 1 or 3 would be for the best.Before I sign off, I did want to remark on one additional thing; you expressed confusion at the idea of Haruhi taking an aggressive attitude toward Fatora, when both Rowan and I agree that she's pretty hopeless when it comes to matters of love. There's an easy answer to that: love doesn't have anything to do with it, at least not the romantic sort that Haruhi considers to be a "mental illness".
What Haruhi does to Mikuru, and what Fatora does to the women she dominates, can't really be considered love or romance. Â
In the case of Fatora, I'm not saying that she should hop into bed with her. However, Fatora is clearly trying to intimidate and dominate her - and as Brigade Chief, it's not the kind of thing I think she would stand for! Haruhi, once "challenged" in this way, should take steps to bend Fatora to her will, whether it be through counter-intimidation, blackmail, or whatever other tools prove to be convenient. Not that she'd necessarily be successful - both of them have very strong wills, and a rather painful lack of common sense. Their clash of wills could be most entertaining.
Note, that's just my interpretation of both their characters. Your interpretation may be different, but it's not necessarily bad or wrong. I'll admit, though, that that's the kind of thing I hoped for when you promised a Fatora/Haruhi comedy scene. It's like I said, you can't please me all the time, and it's a mistake to even try!Hopefully, I'll have a chance to read chapter 18 tomorrow.
Oh, I forgot to respond to your question about Yuki's powers. To be honest, I don't know how far-reaching Yuki's world-changing abilities are. I know that the events happen (they take place in Novel #4, "The Vanishment of Haruhi Suzumiya"), but I don't know whether the fanfiction authors may have embellished exactly what Yuki did in that novel.Regardless, even within the scope of the first season of the anime, we've witnessed some rather phenominal abilities on the part of the Human Interfaces we've seen, such as Ryoko's ability to transform a classroom into a sealed environment, Ryoko's ability to hold Kyon helplessly in place, Ryoko's and Yuki's ability to transform matter from one form to another, and so on.Ifurita's abilities, from what we saw of them, seemed strictly limited to combat techniques. Even in the case of her shutting down the Eye of God, that wasn't her own ability; it was Makoto, working through her using the Power Key Staff she'd left with him. Now, to be sure, with the techniques Ifurita has picked up over the ages she was an incredible force to be reckoned with, the fact still remains that her chosen methods for dealing with foes involves shooting stuff at them, rather than, say, transforming them into a chunk of lead.While we may disagree on how powerful each respective entity may be, I think that the evidence we've seen shows Yuki to have the upper hand in close-quarters combat. Even if she can't nuke a city, if Yuki can render you completely helpless she's gonna win any one-on-one encounter.Oh, good grief - this is starting to sound like one of those lame Superman vs. Goku threads.
All right! A few days late, but I finally dug into chapter 18!
Haruhi's conversation with smug Galus was well-handled. It's comforting to see that Galus STILL underestimates the Power of Love! And the Power of Friendship. Oh, you bad-guy types... don't you ever learn?
The "phantom scope" seemed a little too convenient, and I think it might turn out to be a bit weighty an albatross to deal with in the long run. A device like that, if widely manufactured, would all but end the Shadow Tribe as a threat! (Not to mention, render Nanami's power virtually useless.) Still, since this story is almost over, and the sequel probably won't feature them as prominently, I guess it's okay.
The scene with Jinnai's grudging vow not to kill that rat Mizuhara was well-played.
Galus's careful efforts to neutralize our heroes' abilities without killing them have my anticipation growing steadily.
 I was pleased with Itsuki's announcement that he is immune to Yuki's time-freezing abilities. That's a good fix for the problem, and it looks like it might give Itsuki a moment in the spotlight as well.
Team Fujisawa's heroic struggle against Galus's trap was well-done, though I was a bit irked that Galus was apparently deliberately trying to kill them - and then changed his mind! As a writer, my advice would be to give Galus a mindset and then stick with it. If he needs them alive, have him spare them. If he wants them dead, keep it that way unless a legitimate reason comes up for his sparing them.A better solution in this case, I think, would have been to either had Galus's intentions be non-lethal from the start, or allowed our heroes to escape to someplace temporarily beyond Galus's immediate reach before falling unconscious (maybe breaking through the wall would lead into a hard-to-access part of the facility, for instance).(Edit: After reading Chapter 19, I know why Galus chose to spare them. Even so, I think this passage would have been better handled either with Galus planning to spare them from the start, planning to spare them IF they survived, or unable to kill them because they escaped. The fickle, spur-of-the-moment change of heart doesn't suit Galus well.) Â
Interesting, how in spite of all the preperations to deal with Yuki's time freezing ability, that ability never really came into play during the battle.
Finally, SOS Man leads the Bugrom in their finest hour! I enjoyed his speech (especially the part where he nearly went into convulsions regarding the Bugrom/Roshtaria truce). And so ends Chapter 18!
And now, Chapter 19. I definitely appreciated Kyon's comparison of Galus's methods to those of a certain Clown Prince of Crime. I have to admit, though, that I'm still holding out hope that there's an actual method to Galus's madness, rather than madness for madness's sake.And now, Nanoha returns! I have to admit I was kind of expecting to see her around this point.
I chuckled a bit at the representation of Yuki's shackles being that of a thirty foot wall of screaming Shadow Tribe heads, and at Makoto's uneasiness both at the screaming wall and at Yuki's nonchalant attitude about it.I enjoyed Kyon's and Nanoha's little heart-to-heart, and felt that it was quite well-done. Nanoha's reasons for changing sides were well-presented and believable, especially given her previous history.
At last, we have Galus spilling his guts in regards to his master plan! I'm glad to see that he didn't just gather all the heroes to gloat at them, but he still does seem to be taking some rather odd risks given that he's not a god QUITE yet. On the other hand, he seems to have done a pretty good job in preparing for Yuki's betrayal. That was good to see.Then, SOS Man to the rescue! I was a bit disgruntled at Galus's utter shock that Jinnai came at all. Even assuming that Galus knew the conditions that Jinnai had to satisfy to escape imprisonment, wouldn't Galus have considered the possibility that Jinnai might LIE in order to get out? He seemed awfully confident that Jinnai was permanently removed from the equasion, when it seems like there are many ways Jinnai could have weaseled out of his predicament, even discounting those that depend on the Power of Love. While it was certainly appropriate for Galus to taunt Haruhi with images of Jinnai stewing in jail forever due to Haruhi's betrayal, it's not something Galus should have taken so far to heart himself.That said, though, I have to admit that I loved the scenes described during the rescue. Jinnai's rescue scene was quite amusing and well-done, both in the very Jinnai-esque strategies involved (flinging a Super Bugrom at the barrier to break it down was an especially nice touch), and in the confrontation scene on the rooftop.In the end, though, Galus reveals his Mecha-Galus powers! Will Galus triumph over his foes? (No.) Will everyone be blown to bits by the hydrogen bomb? (No.) Will Jinnai and Haruhi be reunited at last? (Yes. Well, they kinda have already, I guess.) Stay tuned for the answers to these gripping questions!!!