The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

[Triple_R]

Chapter 11 is now up! : http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?p=9071501&posted=1#post9071501


I hope that everybody here likes it!  

[Spanner]

Hmm... Characters you've not done justice to? If I had to pick one, I'd probably have to say Nanami. She seems to be constantly offering up suspicion and mistrust toward the newcomers. While she IS pretty smart and might pick up on some of the half-truths Kyon and Itsuki have been showing, canon Nanami tends to be more the trusting sort.

Nanami is first and foremost an optimist. When she saw Kiriya approaching Makoto with a dagger, she was merely curious, not afraid. When she first saw Nahato, she thought he was adorable in spite of the fact that she knew the Phantom Tribe was antagonistic. She was also thrilled to learn of the political marriage between Roshtaria and the Phantom Tribe. While she has her off moments (mostly related to women who want to warm up to Makoto), Nanami just about always meets new faces with warmth and friendship, and only becomes antagonistic when they prove themselves to be enemies.

Your Operation: Permanent Vacation rap was cute. You're probably right, though: it doesn't really fit with the tone of your story as a whole. (Heck, even in "The Wanderers", it was more an omake than an actual part of the story.)

Now, Chapter Eleven. This was a filler chapter with not much plot progression or action. It was mostly about people finding out stuff. The Roshtarians found out about Haruhi's and Mikaru's involvement with the Bugrom. Haruhi found out about Itsuki's "torture" at the hands of the Roshtarians. Yuki found out about her former friendships with the SOS Brigadiers. Haruhi and Jinnai found out about their mutual attraction. It's not a bad thing for all this to be happening, but it doesn't leave me much to comment on.

Gannan's indoctrination into the SOS Brigade was amusing and interesting.

It was fun to see Yuki figure things out a bit, though I'm not sure that Yuki would be the sort to express her emotions to the point where she would glare at Galus as she did. At any rate, I look forward to seeing how she confronts the problem of being an unwilling servant rather than a willing one.

There was a little more recycled material here, with Haruhi's reenactment of the "Big Raid Medal" presentation.

Nanami's pouncing on Kyon after finding out about Haruhi and Mikuru seemed a bit excessive, but I think I covered that well enough above.

And that's about it! The story has moved forward, or at least sideways. I look forward to reading more!

[Triple_R]

Hmm... Characters you've not done justice to? If I had to pick one, I'd probably have to say Nanami. She seems to be constantly offering up suspicion and mistrust toward the newcomers. While she IS pretty smart and might pick up on some of the half-truths Kyon and Itsuki have been showing, canon Nanami tends to be more the trusting sort.

Nanami is first and foremost an optimist. When she saw Kiriya approaching Makoto with a dagger, she was merely curious, not afraid. When she first saw Nahato, she thought he was adorable in spite of the fact that she knew the Phantom Tribe was antagonistic. She was also thrilled to learn of the political marriage between Roshtaria and the Phantom Tribe. While she has her off moments (mostly related to women who want to warm up to Makoto), Nanami just about always meets new faces with warmth and friendship, and only becomes antagonistic when they prove themselves to be enemies.

Your Operation: Permanent Vacation rap was cute. You're probably right, though: it doesn't really fit with the tone of your story as a whole. (Heck, even in "The Wanderers", it was more an omake than an actual part of the story.)

Now, Chapter Eleven. This was a filler chapter with not much plot progression or action. It was mostly about people finding out stuff. The Roshtarians found out about Haruhi's and Mikaru's involvement with the Bugrom. Haruhi found out about Itsuki's "torture" at the hands of the Roshtarians. Yuki found out about her former friendships with the SOS Brigadiers. Haruhi and Jinnai found out about their mutual attraction. It's not a bad thing for all this to be happening, but it doesn't leave me much to comment on.

Gannan's indoctrination into the SOS Brigade was amusing and interesting.

It was fun to see Yuki figure things out a bit, though I'm not sure that Yuki would be the sort to express her emotions to the point where she would glare at Galus as she did. At any rate, I look forward to seeing how she confronts the problem of being an unwilling servant rather than a willing one.

There was a little more recycled material here, with Haruhi's reenactment of the "Big Raid Medal" presentation.

Nanami's pouncing on Kyon after finding out about Haruhi and Mikuru seemed a bit excessive, but I think I covered that well enough above.

And that's about it! The story has moved forward, or at least sideways. I look forward to reading more!

Well, I thought it would be a good idea to get a lot of the "bringing people up to speed" elements dealt with in one chapter. I also wanted my main focus, for this chapter, to be on getting the Haruhi/Jinnai romance done right. What did you think of that in particular, by the way? Was the dialogue believable/in-character there?

With maybe one small exception in the very last chapter, this is the last recycled material that you'll see in this fanfic.

Good points on Nanami. I was planning to have a bit of a heated confrontation between Haruhi and Nanami at a later juncture, but I might scrap that now, given what you said about Nanami. I guess I kind of liked to have somebody be the bad cop to Makoto's good cop (because Makoto certainly can't be the bad cop  ). Somebody to really push some buttons. Still, I'll try to soften up Nanami a bit.

Is it fair to say that you prefer less talking/more action?

[Spanner]

Well, I thought it would be a good idea to get a lot of the "bringing people up to speed" elements dealt with in one chapter. I also wanted my main focus, for this chapter, to be on getting the Haruhi/Jinnai romance done right. What did you think of that in particular, by the way? Was the dialogue believable/in-character there?

Well... to be honest, the Haruhi/Jinnai thing so far is just something that I've decided to smile and nod on. You said yourself that it's something of a "crack pairing", and it really is. Guiding these two to a romance has required curbing their respective personalities in hundreds of tiny (and some not-so-tiny) ways, and so it's more generous than I can manage to say that I find it to be believable or in-character.

Like most crack pairings I've read in fanfiction, it's something that I've mostly decided to just ignore. Basically, "Well, the author seems dead-set on putting these two together... Eh, let him have his fun; as long as the rest of the story is good I can let it slide." Sorry I can't be more positive, but I'm simply not a subscriber to the "He's awesome, she's awesome, they'd be awesome together!" school of romance favored by so many fanfiction writers.

That said, I think the dialogue you've presented here is about as good as you're going to get. It seems, though, that Haruhi has totally forgotten that she believes love to be a mental illness.

With maybe one small exception in the very last chapter, this is the last recycled material that you'll see in this fanfic.

Good points on Nanami. I was planning to have a bit of a heated confrontation between Haruhi and Nanami at a later juncture, but I might scrap that now, given what you said about Nanami. I guess I kind of liked to have somebody be the bad cop to Makoto's good cop (because Makoto certainly can't be the bad cop  ). Somebody to really push some buttons. Still, I'll try to soften up Nanami a bit.

Well, it's a little too late to develop it now, but I'd say Shayla-Shayla should have been your girl if you wanted a "bad cop". She's quick-tempered, short-sighted, quick to accuse and to blame, loves to nurse grudges, and hates to admit when she's wrong. Her initial encounter with Kyon would have been perfect for setting her on a road in which she distrusts Kyon and anyone that considers Kyon a friend.

Of course, eventually she'd realize that she's wrong about him, but pride would prevent her from ever truly giving up the "bad cop" role.

Naturally, all this would place her relationship with Kyon as being dangerously similar to her relationship with Makoto in the original series. Since I've already complained enough about "recycled material", it's probably best in the end that you didn't follow this path!

Is it fair to say that you prefer less talking/more action?

Nah, don't take me wrong on that. I have no problem with the last chapter being talky. Sometimes you just have to develop the overall situation rather than continue plunging the heroes and villians into direct conflict.

[Triple_R]

Here's Chapter 12!: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068&page=4


I did my best, Spanner, to make this a chapter that you'll enjoy reading.

Because... and I hate to say this... but I strongly doubt that you're going to like the chapters after it.  

Oh well, I hope that you enjoy Chapter 12 at least!  


P.S.  Tomorrow is my College Grad, and I have Finals next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. So... it'll probably be about six days before I get Chapter 13 up. I might get it up by Sunday if studying goes well, but I can't guarantee it. Also depends on how well my creativity is flowing on the weekend, really. I'll definitely be checking back here over the next few days to see if there's any reviews for Chapter 12, though.

[Spanner]

Yup, this was a good chapter.

In this chapter, Jinnai prepares to walk into a trap, and Kyon unknowingly walks into a trap.

I was kind of expecting that Jinnai would attempt to hide the fact that he knew that the Alliance would never stoop to meaningless torture in order to help turn Haruhi against them, but instead it seems that he's actually decided to give credit where it is due. Too bad none of his allies were actually able to believe him.

Still, it's nice to see that he can recognize the obvious trap. And it's a good excuse for everyone to cosplay! Haruhi and Mikuru (or, rather, Ryoko and Mikuru) get to dress up in those palace attendant outfits, and Jinnai... well, we've witnessed the return of Groundskeeper Fred! I do enjoy these occasional homages to The Wanderers, I must admit.

Kyon's powers are seeming more and more Magneto-like every time he uses them. That's not a criticism, just an observation.

And, Nanoha returns to action! I find Galus's interactions with her to be somewhat intriguing... While he seems to have a kind of soft spot for her, it seems that he also has absolutely no problem using her as a disposable tool. It's almost like, "In respect to my daughter, I won't kill or severely punish Nanoha for her failures, but if she dies on a dangerous mission I won't lose any sleep over it." Admittedly, this sort of callous almost-affection is something that I could see from a ruthless character like Galus.

And, at the very end of the chapter, Ifurita Eleven! Honestly, I think she's going to exist for about as long as it takes for Nanami to reveal that she's actually Nanoha under a Shadow Tribe illusion, but if it really is a new Ifurita model then it'll be fun to see how Kyon and his friends deal with her.

This chapter was mostly solid, but it does have something of a weak spot in Ura's introduction. Reading the passage almost made me feel like the author suddenly thought, "Oh, crap! I completely forgot about Ura! I gotta make up an excuse as to why she wasn't around!" Admittedly, this deeply into the story it would have been difficult to mix Ura back in without it coming off as awkward, so I'm not sure what could make this passage better. Probably the best solution would have been to have returned to earlier sections of the work and added new content to support the sudden reintroduction of Ura later.

Anyway, good job, and keep writing! I was a bit confused when you mentioned that "I wouldn't like the chapters after this". Honestly, you'd have to work VERY hard to drive this story into the dirt before I'd actually start disliking it. I presume by your apprehension that you plan on going ahead with your plans to add Nanoha as an extra crossover element, as that's really the only part of the story that I might have come across as dead-set against. I'd like to assure you that even that wouldn't be enough to turn me off. I think it's a questionable direction to take the story in, but there's still plenty of good stuff here.

If that's NOT what you meant... well, I guess I honestly can't think of what you might have in mind.

[Triple_R]

Yup, this was a good chapter.

In this chapter, Jinnai prepares to walk into a trap, and Kyon unknowingly walks into a trap.

I was kind of expecting that Jinnai would attempt to hide the fact that he knew that the Alliance would never stoop to meaningless torture in order to help turn Haruhi against them, but instead it seems that he's actually decided to give credit where it is due. Too bad none of his allies were actually able to believe him.

What self-respecting guy is going to want to walk his girlfriend right into a trap that's been set for her?

Still, it's nice to see that he can recognize the obvious trap. And it's a good excuse for everyone to cosplay! Haruhi and Mikuru (or, rather, Ryoko and Mikuru) get to dress up in those palace attendant outfits, and Jinnai... well, we've witnessed the return of Groundskeeper Fred! I do enjoy these occasional homages to The Wanderers, I must admit.

Kyon's powers are seeming more and more Magneto-like every time he uses them. That's not a criticism, just an observation.

Yeah, that's the comic book fan in me coming through again.

And, Nanoha returns to action! I find Galus's interactions with her to be somewhat intriguing... While he seems to have a kind of soft spot for her, it seems that he also has absolutely no problem using her as a disposable tool. It's almost like, "In respect to my daughter, I won't kill or severely punish Nanoha for her failures, but if she dies on a dangerous mission I won't lose any sleep over it." Admittedly, this sort of callous almost-affection is something that I could see from a ruthless character like Galus.

Agreed. I think that it suits him well.

And, at the very end of the chapter, Ifurita Eleven! Honestly, I think she's going to exist for about as long as it takes for Nanami to reveal that she's actually Nanoha under a Shadow Tribe illusion, but if it really is a new Ifurita model then it'll be fun to see how Kyon and his friends deal with her.

I'll leave you in anticipation here.

This chapter was mostly solid, but it does have something of a weak spot in Ura's introduction. Reading the passage almost made me feel like the author suddenly thought, "Oh, crap! I completely forgot about Ura! I gotta make up an excuse as to why she wasn't around!" Admittedly, this deeply into the story it would have been difficult to mix Ura back in without it coming off as awkward, so I'm not sure what could make this passage better. Probably the best solution would have been to have returned to earlier sections of the work and added new content to support the sudden reintroduction of Ura later.

That's close to it. I made a conscious decision to leave Ura out of the story early on, mainly because I felt that the first big "all the protagonists in one spot" meeting back in Chapter 2 was cluttered enough as it was.

As the story went on, though, I thought a couple times "Man, it seems odd for Makoto to not bother with his Ura armor for this long". So, I decided it was time to bring Ura back in.

The excuse is a bit flimsy, I'll admit, but I found the idea of Dr. Schtalubaugh playing mad chemistry scientist kind of funny, so...

Anyway, good job, and keep writing! I was a bit confused when you mentioned that "I wouldn't like the chapters after this". Honestly, you'd have to work VERY hard to drive this story into the dirt before I'd actually start disliking it. I presume by your apprehension that you plan on going ahead with your plans to add Nanoha as an extra crossover element, as that's really the only part of the story that I might have come across as dead-set against. I'd like to assure you that even that wouldn't be enough to turn me off. I think it's a questionable direction to take the story in, but there's still plenty of good stuff here.

If that's NOT what you meant... well, I guess I honestly can't think of what you might have in mind.

I can explain what I meant in a PM to you if you'd like. I'd rather not spell it out here, though, because it might spoil Rowan (and anybody else following the story).

Anyway, I appreciate the vote of confidence, and maybe I read too much into something you wrote earlier... so maybe you'll like the rest of the story anyway. I can tell you that it's not Nanoha, no.

I'm going to admit that my original plan was to turn her into THE Nanoha Takamachi via teleportation to Earth combined with de-aging/memory erasing creating a weird time paradox loop.

That plans been scrapped though.

Thanks for the great positive feedback, and support, Spanner.

[Spanner]

I can explain what I meant in a PM to you if you'd like. I'd rather not spell it out here, though, because it might spoil Rowan (and anybody else following the story).

Nah, no need for you to spoil me, either, unless you really want my advice on whatever matter it is, in which case feel free to PM me and I'll give it a shot.

If you don't tell me, though, there's a fair chance that I'll completely miss it and you'll realize you were just being paranoid.

[rowan_a._seven]

(Yuki/Kyon is a distant second; I see some potential there, but I've yet to read a fanfic that attempts it without unforgivably mauling Yuki's character.)

If you ever do find a good in-character one, please tell me.  I like Haruhi and Kyon as a couple and pretty much accept that they'll end up together (Haruhi's pretty hard to say no to, after all ), but a good read featuring the Yuki/Kyon pairing could be pretty nice.  

Anyway, I mostly agree with Spanner about characterizations.  Nanami's the only one who's stood out as somewhat consistently out of character with her suspiciousness, and you addressed that in recent updates.  Otherwise, you seem to have a good understanding of the cast in general, although there are occasional cases where actions and dialogues feel slightly off to me.  I think what really helps you is that you appear to like and respect all of the characters, so even though you don't always necessarily nail them head on you don't bash them either and they at least act with reasonable intelligence.  

I will add here that Haruhi's confession of her feelings to Jinnai didn't really strike me as in-character for her, though.  She has enough trouble admitting that she likes Kyon and is as vulnerable to the love bug as anyone else, and now all of a sudden she's opening herself up?  This declaration might have worked better doing a moment of crisis, as clichéd as that sounds.  I do like how neither Jinnai nor Haruhi have suddenly gone all mushy-mushy and are still acting as megalomaniacal and imperious as ever, though.  Despite the change in their relationship, they still feel like the same characters.

Anyway, good job with these two chapters.  The overview of Gannon's "conversion" was amusing though not as hilarious as Haruhi forcing Mikuru into becoming the moe mascot of the Bugrom Empire.  I half expected her to include the usual risqué photos of Mikuru in the promotional boxes, though Jinnai's arguably decent enough that he might quietly remove such items before handing out the packages.  The scenes with the other protagonists were reasonably good too, though it seemed almost too convenient how everything fell into place perfectly for Nahato.  Still, not bad for a filler chapter.

As for Chapter 12, I think by now it's pretty clear that I'm a Jinnai fan and I really liked that you had him realize the set-up was a trap instead of warping it into one of his "Makoto is evil!" delusions.  You're doing some of his incredible deviousness justice, and the allusions to "The Wanderers" are entertaining too.  You'd think the Phantom Tribe would be among his prime suspects, though, considering what he said about scrambled messages.  And Haruhi's Ryoko masquerade is quite the interesting choice and has me wondering if it'll jog any more of Yuki's memories.  The detailed description of the Coruscate Caverns was very nice too and really gave me a strong picture of the place's natural beauty.  I also think that you did a better job with the fight scene between Fatora's rescue squad and the Bugrom than your earlier battle between Kyon, Koizumi, and Fujisawa and Yuki and Nanoha, so congratulations on the improvement.

I'm a little bit iffy about Ifurita Eleven (does the story really need another Demon God?) and am not quite certain how to feel about Nanoha at the moment, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt until I discover how you put these two to use.  Diva's willingness to let Haruhi go with Jinnai into a potentially dangerous situation also struck me as slightly strange considering how protective of the new Bugrom Queen she's been, though I suppose she might be remembering her own youth cooped up by the chains of duty and is trying to give her successor a bit more freedom.  Despite these small criticisms, though, I'm still enjoying the story and am interested in seeing how things go from here.  Thanks for sharing.  

[Triple_R]

If you ever do find a good in-character one, please tell me.  I like Haruhi and Kyon as a couple and pretty much accept that they'll end up together (Haruhi's pretty hard to say no to, after all ), but a good read featuring the Yuki/Kyon pairing could be pretty nice.  

Anyway, I mostly agree with Spanner about characterizations.  Nanami's the only one who's stood out as somewhat consistently out of character with her suspiciousness, and you addressed that in recent updates.  Otherwise, you seem to have a good understanding of the cast in general, although there are occasional cases where actions and dialogues feel slightly off to me.  I think what really helps you is that you appear to like and respect all of the characters, so even though you don't always necessarily nail them head on you don't bash them either and they at least act with reasonable intelligence.  

I will add here that Haruhi's confession of her feelings to Jinnai didn't really strike me as in-character for her, though.  She has enough trouble admitting that she likes Kyon and is as vulnerable to the love bug as anyone else, and now all of a sudden she's opening herself up?  This declaration might have worked better doing a moment of crisis, as clichéd as that sounds.  I do like how neither Jinnai nor Haruhi have suddenly gone all mushy-mushy and are still acting as megalomaniacal and imperious as ever, though.  Despite the change in their relationship, they still feel like the same characters.

Anyway, good job with these two chapters.  The overview of Gannon's "conversion" was amusing though not as hilarious as Haruhi forcing Mikuru into becoming the moe mascot of the Bugrom Empire.  I half expected her to include the usual risqué photos of Mikuru in the promotional boxes, though Jinnai's arguably decent enough that he might quietly remove such items before handing out the packages.  The scenes with the other protagonists were reasonably good too, though it seemed almost too convenient how everything fell into place perfectly for Nahato.  Still, not bad for a filler chapter.

As for Chapter 12, I think by now it's pretty clear that I'm a Jinnai fan and I really liked that you had him realize the set-up was a trap instead of warping it into one of his "Makoto is evil!" delusions.  You're doing some of his incredible deviousness justice, and the allusions to "The Wanderers" are entertaining too.  You'd think the Phantom Tribe would be among his prime suspects, though, considering what he said about scrambled messages.  And Haruhi's Ryoko masquerade is quite the interesting choice and has me wondering if it'll jog any more of Yuki's memories.  The detailed description of the Coruscate Caverns was very nice too and really gave me a strong picture of the place's natural beauty.  I also think that you did a better job with the fight scene between Fatora's rescue squad and the Bugrom than your earlier battle between Kyon, Koizumi, and Fujisawa and Yuki and Nanoha, so congratulations on the improvement.

I'm a little bit iffy about Ifurita Eleven (does the story really need another Demon God?) and am not quite certain how to feel about Nanoha at the moment, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt until I discover how you put these two to use.  Diva's willingness to let Haruhi go with Jinnai into a potentially dangerous situation also struck me as slightly strange considering how protective of the new Bugrom Queen she's been, though I suppose she might be remembering her own youth cooped up by the chains of duty and is trying to give her successor a bit more freedom.  Despite these small criticisms, though, I'm still enjoying the story and am interested in seeing how things go from here.  Thanks for sharing.  

I'm glad that you liked Chapters 11 and 12 a fair bit!

Your constructive criticism on a few points is noted, however.

It is true that there's no El Hazard character that I dislike and disrespect - I feel that it's a very solid cast. I also think that the entire cast is fairly smart, though some (Makoto and Jinnai, mainly) are a bit sharper than others.

Chapter 13 is now up! You can check the post I made after this one if you need a link to it.

[Triple_R]

Chapter 13 is up! : http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?p=9097720#post9097720


Warning: This is probably the most emotionally intense chapter of them all, with one or two possible exceptions later on. There are some funny bits - mainly some of Fujisawa's lines (I hope) as well as some Haruhi/Jinnai back-and-forth, but... for the most part, this chapter is a dark one. Just a warning!

[Spanner]

All right! Chapter thirteen.

We start off with the confrontation with Nanoha. It seems that I was correct in my guess about "Ifurita Eleven". Nanoha reveals a bit more of her past, including an allusion to El-Hazard Nazis! Well, Nazi-like fascists, as any rate, but still acceptable shorthand for the kind of Social Evil that would be required to change a good-hearted girl like Nanoha into a cold-blooded assassin. (Damn those Nazis!)

Then, Kyon semi-reforms her and she heads off to go find herself, leaving our heroes free to obtain Itsuki's cure and head back.

All in all, a decently handled section. The action was good, though it made me kind of wonder just what Galus was thinking sending Nanoha in alone against a set of superpowered humans. They were able to disarm and restrain her pretty easily, with Nanami to counter her illusions and Kyon to nullify her weapons. I was glad to see Kyon had a little trouble pinning her down; one would think that an assassin would be able to handle herself in a fight, even unarmed.

Nothing much to say on the Itsuki premonition scene or Fujisawa's rescue of Fatora.

I'm not sure that I was able to buy into the tactical logic presented by Jinnai in splitting up his group so that he could fly with Haruhi into Floristica. Jinnai claimed that it would make the group more difficult to trap... and while it's true that it'd make it tougher to trap the WHOLE group, it pretty much doubles the chance that PART of the group will get caught, which will alert the rest of the city that an infiltration is underway. Probably more than double, actually, since the method Jinnai chose to get in was to change Haruhi into a winged girl with a huge, easy-to-spot 20-foot wingspan and fly into a well-defended city that is doubtless well-prepared to notice invasions by air (Bugrom do have fliers, after all).

On the other hand, a night-time flight with the two of them alone is a heckuva lot more romantic than slogging through the sewers with a slew of Bugrom. Which I'm guessing was the real point here. Still, you gotta admit it was a bit contrived.

And, at last, we come to the closure of Galus's trap, and Jinnai's noble sacrifice. I found myself a bit confused while reading this as to what, exactly, Galus's plan actually was. It seemed to be his intent to make Haruhi go berserk, and while Jinnai's death may, indeed, cause this, Yuki's actions seem a bit odd.

It seems that Yuki was honestly aiming for Haruhi, given the little blurb that mentioned how she couldn't bring herself to take another shot. If she was honestly gunning for Haruhi, then it seems like Galus was expecting Haruhi would be able to survive a direct assault from a Demon God, and still have enough left in her to savage the world. That's an awfully big assumption, considering that the only evidence that Galus has that Haruhi has godlike power is the fact that she was able to restore the Bugrom Empire quickly; what in that implies immortality?

Or, possibly, Galus sent Yuki with clear instructions to kill Haruhi and was COUNTING on Jinnai sacrificing his life. This was taking a pretty tremendous risk, both in assuming that Jinnai would take the shot AND that his emotionless and absolutely obedient Demon God would be too shaken up to finish Haruhi off afterwards. Haruhi wouldn't be able to do much to wreck the world if she was shot in the back by Yuki while grieving over Jinnai. There's calculated risks, and there's million-to-one odds; this would be the latter.

I guess it would help if we knew exactly what orders Galus gave to Yuki. If he ordered Yuki to draw Jinnai into taking the shot, then it all makes sense. If he ordered Yuki to shoot Haruhi not to kill, but to wound her while making it look as though she was trying to kill her, that would make sense as well (we'd still have the "Haruhi feels betrayed by her Brigade" angle if Haruhi believed Yuki was trying to kill her). In the latter case, Jinnai's taking the shot was just a fortunate bonus.

I guess the bulk of the confusion is because Yuki is apparently supposed to keep shooting at Haruhi. If that can be explained away, then that might solve the problem.

Oh, and yeah, Jinnai's dead. Let's see if you have the guts to keep him that way. HaHAhAHAhAHahaHAHAhaHA!!!

[Triple_R]

All right! Chapter thirteen.

We start off with the confrontation with Nanoha. It seems that I was correct in my guess about "Ifurita Eleven". Nanoha reveals a bit more of her past, including an allusion to El-Hazard Nazis! Well, Nazi-like fascists, as any rate, but still acceptable shorthand for the kind of Social Evil that would be required to change a good-hearted girl like Nanoha into a cold-blooded assassin. (Damn those Nazis!)

Then, Kyon semi-reforms her and she heads off to go find herself, leaving our heroes free to obtain Itsuki's cure and head back.

All in all, a decently handled section. The action was good, though it made me kind of wonder just what Galus was thinking sending Nanoha in alone against a set of superpowered humans. They were able to disarm and restrain her pretty easily, with Nanami to counter her illusions and Kyon to nullify her weapons. I was glad to see Kyon had a little trouble pinning her down; one would think that an assassin would be able to handle herself in a fight, even unarmed.

Edit: I'm glad that you liked this section for the most part.

Nanoha was rather outmatched yeah. That was arguably careless on Galus' part, on second though - but, on the other hand, the Shadow Tribe did only bother with one assassin for the canon El Hazard itself, so it seems to be standard MO for Galus.


Galus didn't need Nanoha to actually win, or succeed - simply slow down Kyon et al for awhile. It doesn't matter if Kyon et al live if his main trap for Haruhi succeeds.

Nothing much to say on the Itsuki premonition scene or Fujisawa's rescue of Fatora.

I'm not sure that I was able to buy into the tactical logic presented by Jinnai in splitting up his group so that he could fly with Haruhi into Floristica. Jinnai claimed that it would make the group more difficult to trap... and while it's true that it'd make it tougher to trap the WHOLE group, it pretty much doubles the chance that PART of the group will get caught, which will alert the rest of the city that an infiltration is underway. Probably more than double, actually, since the method Jinnai chose to get in was to change Haruhi into a winged girl with a huge, easy-to-spot 20-foot wingspan and fly into a well-defended city that is doubtless well-prepared to notice invasions by air (Bugrom do have fliers, after all).

Edit: I wouldn't say that the situation was downright contrived, but... I'd be willing to cop out to it being a lucky one for Haruhi and Jinnai. Maybe you could say they had a 10% chance of not getting spotted while flying into the city, and they happened to be just fortunate enough

What I probably didn't stress enough was how this move into Florestica took place during the night - it's not pitch-black, but it's dark enough that a human-sized flyer might not be spotted easily.


Plus, Roshtaria's overall military readiness is probably somewhat lowered given how the Bugrom Empire have only very recently been restored.

Also, I'm going to be frank - I never found the Alliance's military defenses to be all that impressive. I mean, in the canon, Jinnai just steam-rolled them, country after country after country. Part of that is his military genius, yes, but part of it also has to be the Alliance not being all that proficient at defending themselves. I mean, the bugrom don't even have guns and the Alliance can't stop them. Ifurita didn't exactly run into an awful lot of effective opposition when she went into Florestica itself either.

I mean - I really don't think that this is like Jinnai and Haruhi trying to break into the White House back on Earth.

On the other hand, a night-time flight with the two of them alone is a heckuva lot more romantic than slogging through the sewers with a slew of Bugrom. Which I'm guessing was the real point here. Still, you gotta admit it was a bit contrived.

Actually, I just found the idea neat in general. Haruhi's powers haven't been showcased anywhere near as much as Kyon's has, and I felt it was time to change that. Honestly, I thought that you'd like that to - you were very questioning over the exact nature of Haruhi's powers before, and I thought it was time to shed some light on the subject.

Furthermore, Groucho and Mikuru are intended, in part, to test Jinnai's already existing secret sewer entrance for any possible booby traps. That's the very first thing that Jinnai asked Groucho about when the two of them met up in Florestica.

In a cold, calculating way, Jinnai is choosing to place more risk on Groucho and Mikuru than on himself and Haruhi. Makes sense to me.

edit: I sometimes like to write Jinnai as a guy that you need to read between-the-lines with.

 And, at last, we come to the closure of Galus's trap, and Jinnai's noble sacrifice. I found myself a bit confused while reading this as to what, exactly, Galus's plan actually was. It seemed to be his intent to make Haruhi go berserk, and while Jinnai's death may, indeed, cause this, Yuki's actions seem a bit odd.

It seems that Yuki was honestly aiming for Haruhi, given the little blurb that mentioned how she couldn't bring herself to take another shot. If she was honestly gunning for Haruhi, then it seems like Galus was expecting Haruhi would be able to survive a direct assault from a Demon God, and still have enough left in her to savage the world. That's an awfully big assumption, considering that the only evidence that Galus has that Haruhi has godlike power is the fact that she was able to restore the Bugrom Empire quickly; what in that implies immortality?

Nahato talked about the readings coming off of Haruhi several chapters back. He talked about the immense power readings coming off of Haruhi. Him and Galus had a discussion centered around that.

It's probably not a stretch to think that a girl with neigh-omnipotent (Galus' own term for it) power readings would be able to protect herself against an El Hazard demon god attack.

Galus' plan was to enrage Haruhi, and force her to use her power to defend herself against an attack from Yuki. He was hoping that Haruhi would be so incensed by his base trickery against her, and by Yuki betraying her, that she would lash out at El Hazard as a whole, or possibly reboot it in desperate self-defense.

I guess the bulk of the confusion is because Yuki is apparently supposed to keep shooting at Haruhi. If that can be explained away, then that might solve the problem.

No, Yuki shooting at Haruhi to force Haruhi to use her powers in desperate self-defense is the whole idea.

Jinnai's noble act of sacrifice was not counted on - Galus is merely amused by it, and naturally pleased by it since Jinnai did get in the way of his plans before.

[rowan_a._seven]

First, let me say that I think your ability to depict person-to-person battles has improved.  This second round of the heroes versus Nanoha didn't give me the same impression of disjunction between action and dialogue that the first bout did, and it managed to generate some of the sense of being fast-paced and active that such an encounter would actually have.  Nanoha's underwhelming odds weakened the tension a bit, though.  Kyon did a decent job of matching her the first time they fought, and with Makoto and Nanami further neutralizing her advantages and no new tricks up her sleeves I really wasn't too worried about the protagonists once combat started.  Having Nanoha injure someone early on (maybe Nanami since her power dispels one of her greatest strengths?) to show how dangerous and committed she is or giving her a weapon upgrade (dangerous Phantom Tribe Belkan technology! ) might have gone a ways towards making the battle more suspenseful.  Still, it was a fun read, and I appreciated that you had Nanoha do the "You've given me some things to think about so I'm going to sojourn for a little while" rather than the immediate 180-degree motivation shift.  Both are clichés and with good reason, but the former seems more appropriate in this situation with this character.  At the very least, a few hours to think things through could do the Phantom Tribe assassin some good.

As for the other scenes, I share some of Spanner's criticisms.  Contrived might not be entirely the right word since your reasoning is defensible, but it is important to remember that what is obvious to you as the writer isn't necessarily as obvious to the readers.  When Jinnai revealed that his brilliant scheme to sneak into Florestica was to have Haruhi fly over the city walls my first response was a facepalm.  Had you stressed that they would have the cover of darkness and that Florestica has scant lookouts for airborne travelers this probably wouldn't have seemed as much of a stretch, just as if you'd reminded the audience that Nanoha was disguised as a non-Phantom Triber during the battle royale between her and Yuki and Kyon, Koizumi, and Fujisawa I might not have done a double-take at some of Galus and Nahato's words.  Similarly, after rereading Galus's dialogue in this chapter I can sort of see that his plan was to provoke a violent response from Haruhi through a direct attack but on the initial read-through this wasn't clear to me and I instead misinterpreted it as "Phantom Tribe taking away what Haruhi cares about to enrage/depress her to the point where she lashes out at the entire world."  Earlier dialogue had also given me the impression that the Phantom Tribe's plan was to strip away Haruhi's illusions about El-Hazard and expose her to the harsh truth about her new friends and empire to drive her to a moment of pure despair, which is kind of ironic considering that the Phantom Tribe's favored instrument is deception.  So at the time Yuki's choice of targets seemed peculiar to me as well.

Otherwise, though, the scenes with Jinnai and Haruhi had a lot of great dialogue and the dynamics between them continue to be fairly interesting.  I especially liked their interactions together as they flew over the wall, criticisms of the logic of the scene itself notwithstanding.  And, although it was arguably predictable, Jinnai's noble sacrifice still surprised me a bit.  Now's certainly a PERFECT opportunity for any heretofore latent healing powers Mikuru might have gained during the trip to El-Hazard to manifest themselves, eh?  I also enjoyed Fujisawa's rescue of Fatora, and I think you struck the right balance on the princess's part between joy over being saved and the annoyance at having had to wait so long.

Anyway, thanks for sharing and good luck with your writing. This was an enjoyable update.

[Spanner]

It's probably not a stretch to think that a girl with neigh-omnipotent (Galus' own term for it) power readings would be able to protect herself against an El Hazard demon god attack.

Ah... While I do understand your reasoning, this is something that has been itching at the back of my head since near the beginning, though I wasn't quite able to find the words to explain what was bugging me. Chalk it up to years of sci-fi and accepting "sensors" as nigh-omniscient magical devices.

I can accept that Galus and Nahato had some kind of Shadow Tribe doohickey that can scan a being and deterimine whether their power levels are OVER 9000!!! or not. I guess what was bugging me was that they were able to make all kinds of crazy assumptions as to just what that means.

If someone swallows a nuclear reactor, their power levels might be off the charts, but that doesn't mean that they can do anything with that power other than crap it out later (if you'll pardon the crude imagery). Admittedly, with the miraculous restoration of the Bugrom Horde, Galus and Nahato did have a clue that Haruhi is able to do SOMETHING with that Phenominal Cosmic Power. Later they get to witness her shapeshifting as well.

However, there's still a huge, huge gap between these parlor tricks and unkillable, omnipotent god. It's not a stretch to assume that betraying Haruhi might cause her to unleash untold havoc, even if it's only in the form of spawning an enormous army of Bugrom, or shapeshifting into a monster. Neither of these talents, though, would necessarily protect her from a Demon God's determined assault, though, like Galus assumed they would. (They COULD, I suppose - she could summon Bugrom in front of her to absorb energy blasts ala Smash Bros. Princess Peach and Toad, or shapeshift to heal wounds - but I'm guessing that's not what Galus had in mind.)

While it might be reasonable on the Shadow Tribe's part for them to assume that someone with godlike power can use it as she chooses at first, they had Haruhi under near-continuous observation. After a while, the logical conclusion that they SHOULD have come to is that Haruhi has an ocean of power, but just a tiny little Bugrom-shaped spigot to use it with. Not exactly someone you can turn a Demon God against and expect to survive.

You could, of course, take the angle that the sensors the Tribe were using were capable both of detecting great power AND of detecting the unconscious ability to use that great power - but that seems a little far-fetched to me, even with my sci-fi-powered ability to suspend my disbelief.

You need to provide Galus both with the ability to detect her power and a believable way for him to reason out that she can use it in the way that he hopes. One way you could have handled this is something that would take a painful amount of rewriting to change now, so I don't recommend it. Basically, you could have let Yuki keep her memory, but still placed her under Shadow Tribe control. They could have grilled her for information and, being unable to resist commands, she could have spilled the beans on Haruhi's unconscious control of her abilities. Basically, the Shadow Tribe detects Haruhi's power, they ask Yuki about it, and then all their assumptions later on make sense.