El-Hazard Round Robin, Part 2

[rowan_a._seven]

The mop landed on a busy street, tripping an inattentive cart driver and causing his cargo of spherical fruit to spill out onto the road.  Apologizing profusely to those around him, the young worker quickly gathered up his lost goods, unaware that one piece of fruit, kicked around by a nearby group of kids, was still rolling away.

******

Dr. Semimad was the Minister of Highly Unusual but Surprisingly Effective Tortures.  His family had held the position since its inception and had a proud (if little known) history dating back to the founding of the Alliance.  In those early times, when the benefits of a permanent coalition were still being debated and disagreed on, it became necessary to convince certain reluctant monarchs to throw their support behind Roshtaria.  After a few days under the care of Dr. Semimad's ancestors the formerly obdurate leaders would become passionate advocates of the Alliance, and if they returned to their own countries with an inexplicable and insatiable desire for Roshtarian Tree-Fish delicacies or were infatuated with a certain royal chamber maid that had previously worked for Roshtaria's court to the point of doing anything she said, well...royalty _was_ expected to have a few odd quirks here and there.

Regardless, Dr. Semimad viewed himself as serving a greater cause and consequently was a strong supporter of the new Alliance/Bugrom/Creterian government.  To think, so many peoples unified under one crown...really, his family's career prospects hadn't been this good in centuries, and he now had the opportunity to ply his trade on none other than his former leader, Princess Rune Venus herself.  It was enough to make him giddy with excitement...and _not_ anything else, mind you.  Dr. Semimad was happily married with three beautiful daughters and a son on the way, and one of the reasons he'd been entrusted with the princess was because he was one of the few people _not_ likely to have an...ulterior motive in dealing with her.  Besides, the current author was becoming increasingly frightened by the amount of fan-service he was cramming into each post (Darn you Mr. What!  This is all your fault!   ).

Anyway, Princess Rune Venus, after having been abandoned by Afura who'd decided that despite her great education and years of hard work to attain her current position that she wanted nothing more out of life than to be near and dominated by Ishiel, had been captured by the Bugrom and was now wearing another straightjacket and imprisoned in a cubic cell that was barely large enough to turn around in.  The unusual feature of this cell, however, was that all six surfaces were playing Japanese anime at lightning speeds.

Dr. Semimad, who was watching the princess through a hidden video camera he'd purchased from babump.com's online catalogue, laughed semi-madly and turned to his assistant, Demiigor.  "I bet you're wondering what the point of all this is, aren't you?"

Demiigor nodded his head in agreement, eyes radiating eager curiosity, and Dr. Semimad began his convenient lecture.

******

Mike:  (Sighs.)  Why must the villains always explain their plans instead of letting the audience use their own minds to figure it out?

Tom:  (Hushes Mike.)  Quiet Mike!  I want to know what Dr. Semimad's scheme is immediately!  I don't have the patience to figure it out myself!  

Crow:  (Curiously.)  I wonder if he's related to Dr. Forrester?  

******

"Excellent," Dr. Semimad spoke, steepling his fingers together.  "As you may or may not know, anime is one of the most addictive forms of entertainment ever created, and it is my plan to transform Princess Rune Venus into an...otaku supreme!"

******

Mike and Tom:  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Crow:  The horror!

******

"Yes!" Dr. Semimad crowed, "an otaku supreme!  With her comprehension rate temporarily boosted by the drugs I injected her with and the nonstop bombardment of simultaneous anime, she will soon develop an insatiable craving-no, addiction!  She'll want to dye her hair strange colors, cosplay nearly nonstop, and even *shudder* use choice Japanese phrases and expressions badly!  Anime and the pursuit of more anime will become her sole purpose in life, and she'll be willing to do virtually anything in order to gain more!  Spend her entire fortune!  Hand over the kingdom and all of her power to Empress Diva!  Sign a paper authorizing democratic elections!  Heck, she'd probably even marry Jinnai if it meant satisfying her otaku needs!"

Demiigor shuddered with appropriate horror at hearing of this degree of obsession and for a moment felt sympathy for the princess.  Then he remembered the punishment Dr. Schtalubaugh was being inflicted with and decided that, all things considered, Princess Rune Venus' fate wasn't that bad.

Within her cell, Rune whimpered as Neon Genesis Evangelion started up.

******

The spherical fruit rolled to a stop near a hungry traveler's foot.  The traveler, being hungry, picked it up, washed it in a nearby fountain, and took a bite.

"Ow!  My tooth!" he exclaimed painfully, dropping the fruit and clutching his jaws in agony.  "I think I need a dentist!"

******

Dr. Schtalubaugh angrily looked up from where he was changing baby bugrom diapers, a seemingly endless task.  "I am _so_ going to get you for this, Londs.  Mark my words!  Someday, some time when you least expect it, I will have my revenge!"

******

"You mean - ow - that nobody knows where the - ow - dentist office is?" the still-hungry-but-now-in-pain traveler asked incredulously.  "What's - ow - wrong with you people?!  That's - ow - as silly as having an election for the absolute ruler of the world without notifying anyone and with the only place to vote being the throne room of the mice with hats!"

That earned a couple of laughs, and a government worker standing in the crowd that had gathered remarked to himself, "I have got to mention that to my colleagues.  They always appreciate a good joke."

[d.t.]

"Please!  Please!  Make it stop!"  The screams came from Dr. Semimad's place.  Anyone hearing, even the most black-hearted of villains, would surely take pity on the poor anguished soul that was producing these heart-breaking sounds.  "No more!  I can't take it!"

"And the poor man still can't see a muffin without breaking down and wetting himself.  Now, as for the head of kitchen staff that one time scolded Fatora for hitting on his soup-stirrer, well, Fatora got inventive with what she did to that poor man."

"I can't take any more!" wailed Dr. Semimad, putting his hands over his ears.  Yes, it was Dr. Semimad that had been doing the screaming, as if the very first sentence in this post didn't give it away.  The good doctor had considered himself a master of torture, but clearly Fatora was in a league unto herself.  There was no way he could hope to match the horrors Princess Rune had already seen.  "How could you stand it, Your Highness?"

"Oh, you know, you have to make allowances for family.  And I got myself a cat that I obsess about.  Would you mind turning that off?  It's very distracting."

Wiping away tears of pity, Dr. Semimad nodded and turned off the vastly-overrated-series, which was still playing on the different screens.  "Look at me!  I've wasted my whole life!" he cried.  "Oh princess, I've seen the error of my ways!  I have, I have!  Please, how can I possibly atone for my sins?"

"Can I have some food?"

"Of course, of course!"

"And where did this strange show come from?  It looks like it's from Earth, but we have no contact with that world, aside from Makoto and his friends."

"Oh, plot hole."

"What?"

"Pot hole.  We found it in a giant pot hole.  Might've been teleported over by the malfunctioning Eye of God."


"Then Trinity comes along and says 'Dodge this' and pushes a button and then everything explodes..." muttered The Doctor.

This was bad.  Tina was very worried about this eratic behavior.  "Doctor.... Smith?"

"Doctor Smith!  Danger, Danger, Will Robinson!"  yelled The Doctor jumping up and down and waving his arms like a complete loon.

"Um.  Will... Robinson?"

"Robinson?  Like Robinson Crusoe, it's as primitive as can be!"

Tina frowned in concern.  This was not good.  This might even be less gooder than before.  "Doctor?  Is that you?  Are you all right?"

"All right?" gibbered the new Doctor. "I'm better than all right!  I am the terror, that flaps in the night!  I am... not expendable, I'm not stupid and I'm not going, Avon!"

Now as a matter of fact, somewhere in Tina's un-fleshed-out background she had taken some first aid classes.  "I think you might have hurt your head."

"My head's fine, thank you. I just had an extra long day at work.  M thinks I should pay a visit to our friends in Moscow.  Smoke me a kipper, Miss Moneypenny, I'll be back for breakfast."

"Please Doctor, I think you need to sit down."

"No.  What I need to do is... tell you about The Matrix."  The Doctor swayed from side to side a bit.  "Yes, there's something very important about The Matrix, I can almost remember... I'm just having trouble remember which Matrix.  Actually I'm having trouble remembering a lot of things.  Probably part of the international Communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids.  But I... have a cunning plan.  A plan more cunning than a fox who's just been made professer of cunning at Oxford University."

"I really think you'd better sit down."



[SOL]

Crow:  I was waiting for someone to make the Lost in Space reference.

Tom:  I wasn't.



The people of Florestica were muttering darkly.

"Massive food shortages," muttered one, "we should get rid of the Bugrom."

"Bah!  The Bugrom have done wonders for this city!  Just you wait!"

"Well I want The Princess back in charge!"

"Puchuu!"

"See?  He agrees with me!  Bloody Bugrom even forget their own demon gods."

"But they're doing all the work!"

"You know, if we had Ifurita back, they wouldn't be in charge any more!"

"But I like them in charge!"

"That's about as funny as an election-" began the government boy, trying out his new joke.

"Don't see what's so funny about an election.   I'd like an election.  Put an end to this fighting once and for all."

"Yeah, if Ifurita ever showed up again, and the Bugrom weren't in charge just because they're stronger, I'd want an election!"

"Yeah!  Then you'd see most people want them in charge!"

"No they don't!"

"Personally I want a government that can provide more shounen-ai than the current one!"

"Yeah!  Wait, what?"

[Andrusi]

"No.  What I need to do is... tell you about The Matrix."  The Doctor swayed from side to side a bit.  "Yes, there's something very important about The Matrix, I can almost remember... I'm just having trouble remember which Matrix.

The next writer took this as an invitation.  The repercussions of this unfortunate misinterpretation could best be seen at the Fujisawa residence.

---

TOM: Aw, damnit, he's gonna do the Transformers thing again, isn't he?

--

Ifurina was now utterly confused.  She had apparently become a demon goddess, but had failed to gain much in the way of the associated abilities.  She had no idea what was going on with Kauru, her knowledge of improbable diseases being more limited than she'd realized.  And the crowd of people outside shouting something about elections wasn't helping to restore order to the situation.  So when Miz, Fujisawa, and Nanami rushed out the door to look for Kauru, she took the opportunity to lie down for a while.

"Ifurina."

Now she was hearing voices in her head.  Greeeeat.  (Demon Goddesshood tends to have a negative effect on a cheery disposition.)

"Ifurina?  Hello?"

Ifurina was in no mood to go crazy.  She started rummaging through the pantry, looking for something to eat.  No point in losing one's sanity on an empty stomach.

"Ifurina, are you there?"

She didn't even notice the voice, as she had--much to her surprise--discovered an old dusty box.

"If--"

"SHUT UP!" Ifurina shouted, surprising anyone who had ever actually known her, since it was after all an extremely uncharacteristic action for her.

---

Over-Run hadn't known Ifurina long enough to realize how out-of-character this was, but he was still caught off-guard.  Ultimately he decided she might not really care about the fact that his chest--well, he was pretty sure it was his chest, it was hard to tell in this form--felt funny.  After all, that usually signified a disturbance in the Mini-Con Matrix of Dimensions, the object in his chest which held the essences of the entire population of what used to be his home dimension and which gave him his ability to travel between dimensions.  Sometimes such a disturbance meant Unicron had arrived in this dimension and therefore everyone was doomed, but usually it just meant Takara had released yet another black Optimus Prime recolor.  Neither was, of course, likely to interest the woman who persistently called him "Staff-chan".

---

TOM: I knew it.

MIKE: Lucky guess.

---

They were both important to him, though, so he had to check.  Especially since it might also mean something completely different he'd never encountered before, something that, say, might interest a recently regenerated Time Lord.  But he could only do that by opening the Matrix.

And he could only do that in robot mode.

Which he couldn't reach, because way back during the first thread, Ifurina had accidentally stripped his transformation-related gears, and he could no longer transform without assistance.  And he couldn't be assisted unless the assistant either knew his transformation (which nobody here did) or had his instructions, which were in a small compartment located on his body.  Which was currently blocked by something he was pretty sure was his left leg.

Slag it all.  This crossover had gone so well for the first couple of posts...

---

Cheerful once more now that the voice in her head that sounded a lot like Staff-chan had shut up, Ifurina opened the old box.  Inside she found the most amazing thing she'd ever seen: it was a machine of some sort.  And it had switches, and pretty lights, and--best of all--buttons!  And she was sure that pressing the buttons and flipping the switches would make the lights turn on!

If Arjah, Yume, Peorth, The Other, the Guide, the Doctor currently known as Smith, Over-Run, the million other crossover characters I'm not going to bother to look up, or pretty much anyone who might have the slightest inkling of how their universe worked had even the vaguest notion that the device had been discovered and was now in the hands of someone who was... well, Ifurina, their reaction probably would have been to follow the advice printed on the Guide's exterior and panic.  Yes, even the Guide itself would have known fear, amazing a concept as that was.  The gods themselves, who had decided not to appear in this round robin, did so anyway just for this one sentence so they could shiver a bit.  Because Ifurina now held the most powerful, most unpredictable, and most dangerous object in the universe--in the multiverse, even.

It was, to finally tell you what I'm talking about, a Plot Device.

---

MIKE: So?  What is it?  What's the plot device?

TOM: I think he means it's an actual device, like a machine, that can control the plot.

MIKE: Oh.

[pause]

MIKE: Hey, Crow?  You've been quiet for a while.

CROW: Yeah.  I think maybe the current writer doesn't like me very much.

TOM: Or maybe he just thought it'd be funny to have you think so.

CROW: Yeah, that's probably it.  Everyone loves Crow.

MIKE: [edges slightly away]

[MrWhat]

The Guide had calculated the end result of the chain of events that began when Millie threw the mop out the window.

Of course, such a chain of events would have many side results.  The Guide had had a few spare milliseconds, so it calculated several billion of these side results.  It found all of them to be harmless, became bored, and gave up, leaving all the other side results to chance.

It shouldn't oughta done that.


A very stupid yet loveably wacky janitor was glumly pacing outside the Mice Wearing Hats' National Cheese Emporium.  Following the Guide's instructions, after Millie bought out the cheese shop, she cruelly fired its janitor, tossing him out like a bag of moldy tangerines.

The mop that she had thrown out the window had landed on a busy street, tripping an inattentive cart driver and causing his cargo of spherical fruit to spill out onto the road.  The chain of events proper followed the fruit, leaving the mop cast aside... until the stupid wacky janitor found it and snatched it up.

"MY MOP!!!!!!" said Stanley Spadowski.

Giggling in a deeply disturbing way, he walked away with his beloved mop, occasionally swinging it around with Star Wars light saber sound effects.

It remained to be seen if this side result of the Guide's chain of events would have any further impact on a Round Robin already groaning under the weight of a gazillion pointless cross-overs.

And yet... Nothing Good Could Come Of This.


A very, very tired Parnasse and Ura stumbled to the very front step of the Fujisawa's rural hideaway, collapsing in a sad little heap on the step.  An even more exhausted Shayla dragged herself up, to collapse beside him.

"Y'know," Parnasse said after awhile, "we could have turned around, gone back, and taken a hovercraft, after walking for a few hours."

"No, Parnasse," Shayla said, not at all patiently.  "We couldn't."

"Don't you have a hovercraft, like Miss Kauru?"

"Yeah," Shayla growled, "but some (censored) IDIOT in a (censored) GRAND AM took an 'S' curve too fast and  (censored) CRASHED it, CRUSHING its (censored) DOOR shut!"

Parnasse sweat-dropped.  "The current writer is grumbling about his real-life problems through you, isn't he--"

"And THEN!" Shayla yelled, "the (censored) IDIOT claimed that it was MY (censored) FAULT, even though HE got the (censored) TICKET!!  And MY (censored) INSURANCE COMPANY BELIEVES HIM, so *I* get to eat the (censored) DEDUCTIBLE!!"

Parnasse sighed.  "And then?..."

"AND THEN!!" Shayla yelled, "THREE (censored) DAYS after I got it back from the (censored) BODY SHOP, the (censored) thing suddenly SIEZED UP in the (censored) PARKING LOT!!  And the (censored) GARAGE won't work on it until NEXT (censored) TUESDAY!!"


Mike:  I think I like the creepy fan-service better.

Tom:  Maybe the current writer would like some cheese with his WHINE!!

Crow:  Well, it's not as if the current writer doesn't have a large network of family and friends in the area to beg for rides...  Oh.  He doesn't.  Well, sucks to be him, then.

[d.t.]

OOC:  Sorry about the wait.  I wanted to check some things for this post, and my connection's being difficult today.

IC:
Ifurina, demon goddess of the nanite-modified-human variety, sat down on the ground and examined the object in the box.  It was a most curious thing, at one moment nothing more than a glow coming from the box, in the next moment a perfectly ordinary (which is to say mundane) egg.  One second it was a watch with a variety of knobs and switches and doo-dads, and a heartbeat later it was The Charm that she had seen earlier.  She sucked on her lip thoughtfully for a moment, then, sensibly, closed the box and put it back in the dusty pantry where she had found it.  Many people would have called Ifurina simple.  Which she was.  What most people did not realize was that simple was not the same as stupid.  Being simple prevented Ifurina from doing anything daft like messing around with the clearly dangerous thing in that box.  Of course, this did not mean that The Plot Device/ MacGuffin/ Charm had been removed from the story.  It merely meant that Ifurina, in her simplicity, knew better than to drag another insanely powerful device into the already convoluted story.

She paused for a moment, brushing her long dark tresses away from her forehead.  Her grey-blue eyes sparkled as she looked out the window.  The Fujisawas' rural hideaway was quite beautiful, as was the nearby village.  It was a pity that, using her nanite-enhanced senses, she could tell that the latter was filled with White Bugrom.  It was probably about time to do something about that.  Nanami was yelling something in the next room.  Ifurina got up, picked up her sentient staff, and went to be with the others.



The city of Florestica had a number of small villages on its outskirts.  The Fujisawa's rural home-away-from-home was just outside one such village.  The hotel that Makoto and the Ifurita were fighting in was in another.

Ifurita's back was pressed to Makoto's, her staff was moving too fast for the naked eye to perceive, her face was contorted in concentration.  She had not been fully recharged by Ishiel, and she was pumping almost all of her energy reserves into her arms to keep fighting.  Of course she could have won this fight in a split second - except that she didn't want to hurt these poor people.  They were only Hosts to the real evil.  None of this was their fault.  But by now Irurita was clearly in trouble.  The corridor outside of Makoto's room was filled with angry Hostforms, as were the stairways leading up to it.  "Grab onto me," she shouted, "I'll try to fly us out of here!"

"But what about the other Ifurita?"

Ifurita hesitated for a moment before replying, her staff still weaving an impeneterable web of blurred metal in the air.  "Leave her, I don't think they'll hurt her.  I can't get us all out!"

Makoto looked over his shoulder at Ifurita III.  He knew that what Ifurita was saying made sense.  And yet, he had a noble spirit, which meant he often did things that made no sense.  "I'm sorry Ifurita, but I can't just leave her!"

"Then I am sorry too, my love," whispered Ifurita.  Her staff swung back for just a split second, neatly hitting Makoto in the stomach and driving the wind out of him.  Makoto struggled to stay conscious as Ifurita quickly grabbed him about the waist and carried him into the air.  She kicked fiercely at the Hostforms that were grabbing for her legs for a moment, then, when she had a chance, she flew straight up, crashing straight through the hotel's roof.

What she saw filled her with dread.  The streets of the village were filled with angry Hostforms, pointing up at her.  The air was alive with swarms of Bugrom wasps.  And underground...

With the exception of the wasp caste, The White Bugrom were subterranian creatures.  She had thought that they were a formidable force based on how many she had seen in the streets of that one village, but now she realized that she had seen only a fraction of their forces.  The vast majority of the workers were still underground.  And this was only one village, she had no way of knowing how many others had been infected so far.

Well hell.



Pretty Demon God Jinnie practically skipped out of her hiding space, humming something upbeat and painfully cheery while trying to decide what positions to put her victims into this time.  She had narrowed it down to 30 selections.  She was under the impression that she was the first to think of any of these positions, but as a matter of fact Fatora had beaten her to 27 of them, which just goes to show.

The three Makoto-clones grabbed her before she could begin, activating their tech-touch abilities.  Pretty Demon God Jinnie was quite surprised by this - she had calculated that there would be no time to stop her without warning.  Still, these clones were clearly given only the most basic of programming.  She might have been in trouble against three fully-trained clones, but then, she wasn't up against that, was she?

"The Jinnistacia unit has learned the tech-touch ability," she grinned, "extrapolating new techniques... How did your clones react so fast, oh Naughty-Nahato?"

Nahato, curiously, didn't even look at her.  He was watching one of the Nanami-clones picking up the grapes that the Makoto-clones had spilled when they went to grab Pretty Demon God Jinnie.  He sighed and ran a gray-blue hand through chocolate-brown hair.  "We were warned, little demon-god, by my master, Lord Galus.  You can not see him, but he saw you.  You can not hear him, but he warned me you were there.  You should kneel at my Lord Galus' feet, Jinnistacia, and you will."  He turned and regarded her cooly, narrowing his beautiful hazel eyes until all that remained were blade-thin slits.  "Scan the main chamber."

"Tee hee!  Bio-Touch technique created.  Oh Naughty-Nahato, you really shouldn't talk to your elders like that.  I'm going to have to punish you," she smirked impishly, "and punish you, and punish you".  One of the Makoto-clones began to scream in pain as the other two watched in stupified horror.  Pretty Demon God Jinnie's new technique allowed her to do to the clone what he was trying to do to her.  Still grinning like a mischievous child, she turned her sensors to the main chamber.  Hey, she had the kid by the tail, where was the harm in checking?  He probably thought he had an ace up his sleeve.  She could use a good lau-

The clone stopped screaming, as Pretty Demon God Jinnie's hands fell limp at her sides.  Her mouth formed a surprised "O".

Master Yume was indeed a genius.  She might very well have been, as she claimed, the greatest of the great galactic geniuses.  But she was also a Creterian.  And, as Makoto had observed when he visted that Alternate World, Creteria was nowhere near as advanced as El-Hazard.  It was a testament to Yume's massive intellect that she had been able to understand the workings of demon gods at all.  But she still had a lot to learn.  In working with the obedience circuits of Ibn Al-Zahad and Jinnistacia, she had not been able to delete the original programming.  So she had instead added her own programming, along with an order to disregard the old settings.  It was quite marvelously done, except that Yume had not proven that she had the correct clearance to make such changes.  Whoops.  Which mean that while Jinnistacia and Al-Zahad were loyal to the new masters designated by Yume's program, they were ultimately even more loyal to Kauru's genetic profile.  More specifically, they were loyal to the genetic profile that Kauru used to have, which was now only found in her clone.

"My... Master?"  whispered Pretty Demon God Jinnie in confusion.  "But... how?"

Nahato smoothly slid out the chair he had been sitting in and strode right up to Pretty Demon God Jinnie.  Though he barely reached up to her waist, he did not look her inferior.  "A clone.  A hybrid clone, to be exact.  It contains the DNA that you are loyal to.  But the clone is loyal to me.  And I am loyal to my Lord Galus.  Kneel to my Lord Galus, little demon god."

Confused, but starting to realize that she was in a lot of trouble, Pretty Demon God Jinnie hastily kneeled.  "Naugh...er... Master Nahato.  Let me explain myself, it's a funny story, really."

"Silence."  The boy reached out and ran his head though the demon goddess' hair, then leaned down so that he could whisper in her ear.  Pretty Demon God Jinnie gulped.  "You know," began Nahato, softly, "when I was younger my mother never allowed me to have any pets.  She never allowed me to have a lot of things... friends, toys, breaks when my feet were hurting from tap-dancing lessons... but I really missed not having any pets."  He turned to one of the Nanami clones, grinning like an under-age boy of extremely questionable (and possibly disturbing) orientation about to get fanservicey revenge on a powerful enemy.  "Go to the wardrobe department, slave.  Find a nice cat suit."  He turned back to Jinnistacia, who was about as pale as Ifurina at this point.  "Now lets see if all those sooo-smart programs inside you can extrapolate a 'purr', hmmm?"

Oh nertz[/b], thought Jinnistacia.



The Doctor was sitting down.  "It's very difficult to remember," he mumbled, rubbing his head.  For a few moments he was silent.  Then, suddenly, his head shot up as he had a revelation.  "The Matrix!  Maybe... I think it wasn't just one Matrix.  I think it was a Matrix here, no it was someone in Matrix that was brought here, by accident.  That was warning someone in a Matrix... somewhere else.  And the warning was..."  He went back to rubbing his forehead, trying to think.  Then a shift came over his feautres, and he grinned in a particularly nasty manner.  "Do you know what's the best part about being me?"  He jabbed Tina in her stomach with his hand.

"Ow!" yelled Tina, who slapped him across the face on the spot.  "What was that for?  I'm trying to help!"

"Sorry.  I think I've got slight amnesia.  Possibly due to being a Hobbit.  No, wait, a Time Lord."

"A Time Lord?  What's that?"

"I'll explain later."

That normally ended the discussion, but Tina was slightly more used to straight answers than most of The Doctor's companions.  "Why later?" she asked.

"Because I can't remember yet," he replied in a frustrated tone of voice.  "Amnesia, my dear.  I'm recalling bits but... for some strange reason most of what I'm remembering is me running through identical corridors, or crawling through the odd ventilation shaft."



Nanami's little adventuring party hadn't gone very well.  They hadn't gotten far before meeting a squad of white bugrom and Hostforms.  Now, on their own, these insectoids were fairly easy to defeat.  But when in a group they started getting clever, pulling all sorts of advanced military maneuvers, always outflanking, always a step ahead.  It had looked like things were looking up when Kauru showed up, but it quickly BEcame apparent that she just couldn't sit on people's heads fast enough (which is something the current author never dreamed of writing before now).  Moreover, it was becoming clear that the bugrom wasps were moving faster than she could keep up with.  She was freeing people as fast as she could, but there was only one of her and there were many wasps.  They were infecting people faster than she could hope to keep up with in the long run, and using her spinal fluid like that all the time probably wasn't healthy.  If Ifurina had cut loose she might have been able to save the day, but she didn't want to hurt people, mind-controlled or not.

In the end, it had been all they could do to fall back to a little shack Fujisawa kept for his mountain-climbing supplies.  He was passing out long lengths of rope to everybody.  "First, I want everyone tied to everyone else.  I don't want them dragging one of us off and putting anything in our heads.  It would ruin my reputation as a teacher.  If any of them show up, let's try to tie them up."

"That's a wonderful plan, darling," intejected Miz, "but judging from how many we saw... I don't think we have enough rope."

"Si," agreed Kauru.  She began to quietly buzz to herself.

"Hang on," said Nanami, looking up into the sky and holding a hand over her brow to move some of her whiskey-colored hair out of the way as well as shield her from the sunlight, "isn't that Ifurita up there?  It is!  And she's got Makoto!  Holycow, and she's got about 20 of those wasps after her!  Move your ass Ifurita, I'll never forgive you if you let them eat Makoto's brain!"



[SOL]

Mike and the Bots were taking a short break to try and make sense of everything.  They were drawing a diagram on a blackboard.

Mike: Okay, we've got Master Yume and her demon gods, the Creterians, whatever was destroying the Creterian's homeworld...

Tom:  Arjah's dead, and so is The Dollmaker...

Crow:  Then there's The Other, and The Doctor, who might be Doctor Smith, only Doctor Smith as in the bad guy from The Matrix, and not Dr. Smith the queen from Lost in Space.

Tom:  We hope.

Mike:  Jinnai and the Bugrom, the Bugrom Demon Gods, the Ancient Bugrom, The Guide, Millie and the mice with hats...

Tom:  The turtle things, the Mouth of God...

Mike:  Dr. Semimad, Elmira and the petting zoo, which might be an evil petting zoo, but probably isn't...

Tom:  Stanley Spadowski and his mop, which might be an evil mop, but probably isn't...

Mike:  Londs, Diva...

Tom:  Gatora, Hatora...

Crow:  Myuun, who's being used by The Other...

Mike:  Galus, who's on another world, even though The Other is pretending to be him...

Tom:  Oh, that reminds me!  The Phantom Tribe and those evil clones they made.

Crow: Evil clones... why are they always evil?  

Tom:  You know that feeling you get when you go to a party and someone's wearing the same dress as you?

Crow:  Do I ever!  Man, I hate that feeling.

Tom:  Imagine going through your whole life like that.

Mike:  Well I'm lost.  Why is Kauru speaking Spanish again?

Tom:  They were getting pressure from the Latin community to add more spanish-speaking characters.



Meanwhile, back at the Fujisawa's rural home-away-from-home, Shayla-Shayla was snoring.  She, Ura, and Parnasse had fallen asleep on the front doorway of the building.

Sadly, Nanami and her adventuring party had left via the back.

[MrWhat]

Pretty Magical God Jinnie was crying.

She was not crying because Nahato had triumphed over her, or because he was about to turn her into a fan-servicey cat-girl.  She had experienced both delicious triumph and heart-breaking defeat since her recent re-activation, and in rapid succession.  She knew that her duel with Nahato in this Round Robin was far from over, and that the tables would turn again, sooner or later.

And, as a demon god, she had accepted that some of her Masters might be bloody-minded gits.  She had accepted this with much less angst than the first Ifurita-- as an immortal and nigh-invulnerable demon god, she was content to simply out-live the losers.

And, as a freaky fan-servicey demon god, at least a few of her circuits were actually enjoying the humiliation.

No, Jinnistacia was crying because it had been so much fun, being a Pretty Magical God.  And, sadly, that wonderful Round Robin concept was about to come to a final end.

And so it was that a weeping Jinnistacia silently and submissively kneeled before Nahato.  She was now wearing a two-piece midriff-baring skin-tight black leotard, heavy fuzzy paw-shaped black mittens and footies, a fully-working tail that neatly plugged into her key-staff socket, and a collar with a bell.  She looked up at Nahato with sad shiny eyes, as he slowly lowered the final humiliation-- a pair of cat ears on a head band-- onto Jinnistacia's skull.

He shouldn't oughta done that.

Of course, he shouldn't oughta done it, anyway.  Nahato was demonstrating what a particularly nasty little brat he truly was, to take pleasure in making a girl cry-- and not just any girl, but a self-assured and strong-willed demon god, at that.

No, he shouldn't oughta done it, because he was forgetting how Jinnistacia's freaky technique creation technique dealt with inflicted persona change.  As soon as he placed the cat ears onto Jinnistacia's head, the head band seemed to melt into Jinnistacia's skull, in much the same way as her new face had melted into place.  In an instant, it was no longer a costume accessory.  It had become Jinnistacia's ears-- even though she still had Nanami's face, and the ears that came with that face.

In the next instant, Jinnistacia pounced on Nahato, her tears forgotten.  "MEOW!!" she meowed.  Then she began to do that kneading thing that kittens and cats do with their paws, on Nahato's chest-- only with the strength of a demon god.

And, in the instant after that, Nahato cried out in tremendous pain.  "OW OW OW OW OW OW!!"

And so it was, that, to practically everyone's regret, All-Purpose Cultural Cat-Girl Jinnie-Jinnie came to life.


With the exception of the wasp caste, the white Bugrom were subterranean creatures.  They were rapidly expanding their base through the myriad ancient underground passages beneath Floristica.

Unfortunately, the white Bugrom had just expanded their base into the sewers, and they had just found that the Giant Sewer Rats were also subterranean creatures.  The two ancient and terrible tribes quickly joined in battle.  And when the Giant Sewer Rats began to kick white Bugrom butt, the Bugrom called in a few wasp caste reinforcements.

Unfortunately for the white Bugrom, the icky-squicky wasps could only paralyze and infect humanoid brains.  They soon learned that stinging the Giant Sewer Rats only made them really angry.

On the other hand, the Giant Sewer Rats soon learned that both the wasp caste and the white Bugrom made lovely little crunchy sounds when they were squished.


Nanami continued to fret.  "What are we going to do?  Poor Kauru is exhausted, Makoto and Ifurita are being chased by alien Bugrom wasps, and we're just horsing around with Sensei's climbing ropes!  If only there were someone who could help Kauru!  And, while they were at it, maybe they could analyze the chemical structure of Kauru's stings, and conveniently work out how to mass-produce her cure!  Maybe like someone who produced a cure for Makoto's Bugrom poisoning in five minutes?..."

Suddenly, part of the floor under the Fujisawa's little shed fell in.  Al-Zahad burst up through the floor, holding Crayna in his arms.  Crayna was wearing a modest one-piece swimsuit, and a comically-oversized scuba-diving mask and breathing tube.  Al-Zahad, to Crayna's delight and his embarrassment, was wearing a red Speedo that would have put David Duchovny's infamous scene to shame.

Crayna spit out her scuba gear mouthpiece, climbed out of the crevasse, and grinned at the astounded Miz, Fujisawa, Nanami, Ifurina and Staff-chan.  "Huh.  We were wonderin' where this lava vent came out.  Oh, hey, Miz.  How ya doin'?"

Then Crayna saw the ailing Kauru, and went to her side.  She gently held up one of Kauru's four-fingered hands, and took Kauru's pulse.  Then she peered into one of Kauru's new segmented eyes.  And then, she stood up, and addressed the others.  "This poor girl needs tequila, and she needs it now!!"

Fujisawa grinned sheepishly.  "Sorry, Crayna.  We haven't got any."

"Then let's take her back to my place," Crayna said.  "I've got a well-stocked bar.  And then I can analyze the chemical structure of her stings, and conveniently work out how to mass-produce her cure."

"Master Crayna?" said Al-Zahad.  He seemed not to recognize Kauru.  "I fear that I could not guarantee the insect creature's safety in the lava.  At the very least, her wings might get singed."

Nanami grinned, and held up her PPBAPKS.  "No problem.  Your hut is near that volcano, right?  I'll portal us there.  Ifurina, be a dear and help Ifurita and Makoto, would you?  They were high in the sky, so you and Staff-chan can safely zap those wasps.  Sensei, Miss Miz?  We'll check back in with you later."

Nanami took up the ailing Kauru and CHINK!!ed away, and Al-Zahad took up Crayna and dove back down into the small cravasse.  And then, Ifurina and Staff-chan took off through the shack's window, to leave Miz and Fujisawa alone.

Fujisawa smiled again.  "Well, Nanami's got a good head on her shoulders, eh?  She does her old sensei proud.  Oh well, would you help me untie and coil up these ropes?  There's nothing else we can do, for now."

Miz began to help him.  "Alright, dah-ling...  It was nice to see Crayna again... but I can't say much for her taste in companions.  She ought to find herself a nice family man, eh?"

Fujisawa sweat-dropped.


The male Jinnai and Groucho had finally found the seminary exit.  Gatora and Hatora had finally had enough of his fan-servicey romp through their seminary, and they caught up with him just as the heavy front doors slowly opened.  "HALT!!" shouted Gatora.

"HA!  HA HA!  HA HA!  HA!" said Jinnai.  "Too late, ladies!  I'm gonna blow this popsicle stand, and I won't let anything stand in my way!!"

Unfortunately, the front doors opened to reveal Fatora and Alielle.  They were standing just outside the seminary again.  In another attempt to sneak into the seminary, they were both wearing cheap Groucho Marx glasses.

"AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!!" said Fatora, Gatora, Hatora, Alielle, the male Jinnai, and even Groucho.


All-Purpose Cultural Cat-Girl Jinnie-Jinnie, being a newly-minted kitten (albeit a freaky fan-servicey sex kitten), was acting like a kitten.  That is, she was bouncing around Nahato's private quarters like a psychotic furry Happy Fun Ball, taking little notice of the damage and destruction she was causing.  Nahato and all six of his clone slaves were desperately trying to catch her.

Nahato gasped.  "OH NO!!  Not my private collection of fine crystal!!"  SMASH!!

Then he gasped again.  "AAUGH!!  Not my child beauty pageant trophies!!"  SMASH!!

And then, he gasped again.  "AIIEE!!  Not my Elvis commemorative plates!!"  SMASH!!

Finally, Nahato and his six clone slaves surrounded a half-giggling, half-mewling Jinnistacia.  "NOW!!" shouted Nahato.  All seven of them piled onto Jinnistacia, and in a vain attempt to subdue her, all eight of them were soon tangled up more badly than any game of Twister could have done.

Unfortunately, all eight of them failed to realize that they had all happened to land on Jinnistacia's still-uncapped power-key-staff super-glue-gun; further, that Jinnistacia, being on the bottom of the pile, was about to accidentally trigger said super-glue-gun.

And then, of course, More Hilarity Ensued.


Mike:  This Nahato vs. Jinnistacia thing is like watching a tennis match, isn't it?

Crow:  The current writer sure seems to have it in for Nahato...

Tom:  Nah.  Nahato hasn't been impaled on a spire, and burned to ash.  Besides, Jinnistacia is just too darn fun!

[Lord God Jinnai]

"Doctor?" Tina asked as she cautiously approached the deranged man her friend had turned into. "You don't seem well. Perhaps we need to take you to a... doctor?"

Dr. Smith suddenly turned around, surprising the poor waitress. He glared at her fiercely, a vicious grimace on his face. "That's not funny, Ms. Branford. But then again, your kind thinks everything is funny, don't they? The sky, the trees, the air circulating the surface of this planet... it's all just hillarious, isn't it?"

"I-I'm afraid you've lost me, Doctor." Tina gulped and took a firghtened step backwards.

"Although I may be suffering from some type of memory corruption, I believe that I have found out the root of my dilemma." Smith smiled at the waitress. "It is obvious to me now that your filthy race is doomed. Yes, that is right, Ms. Branford, doomed. Whether this end stems from the machinations of a multi-dimensional entity, the hunger of an alien species, or the result of an insanely powerful ultimate weapon, the destruction of the human race is inevitable. Thus I have found my new goal in life." Smith stepped forwards, his creepy smile unwavering.

"I don't understand..."

"Oh, you will." With a manic grin, the former Time Lord rammed his hand deep into Tina's belly. Instead of blood and gore erupting from a vicous wound, a black, viscous substance emerged from the point of contact. The ooze spread across the frightened waitress's body, which had become paralysed from the blow. When the black substance had fully consumed the girl, it quickly receded to reveal a perfect copy of Dr. Smith.

"I understand now," said the new Doctor with a smile.

"Of course." The Doctor adjusted his other's tie, wearing a smile of his own. "It's all very simple, if you think about it."

"Yes indeed," said the new Smith. "Very simple."

The two chuckled before walking off in opposite directions.

************************************************

Crow: [in shock] Oh my GOD! The Doctor's turned evil, and he just killed his assistant!

Mike: Yeah well, I warned the BBC not to cast Hugo Weaving in the part. I mean, come on! He's obviously evil!

Tom: Well, evil or not, I still gotta say I like this guy better than the 8th Doctor.

Crow: Yeah, it's weird, but I found that watching the Doctor kill his companion is much less disturbing than watching him make out with them.

Mike: It's a sad day for Paul McGann fans everywhere...

[rowan_a._seven]

Two people were sitting around a small but strangely comforting table with a bowl of recently purchased spherical fruit resting in the center along with a pot of tea.  One of the two people, Dr. Semimad, was leaning back in his wooden chair and sipping a cup of tea with a contented expression on his face.  The other, Princess Rune, probably would've been doing the same thing except for one factor.

"Um...Dr. Semimad, while I appreciate you putting me in a bigger cell and getting me something to eat and drink, it is a little difficult to do either with both my arms...restrained," Princess Rune, who was still wearing a straightjacket, pointed out as nicely as possible.

Dr. Semimad blinked and blushed in embarrassment.  "Yes, of course.  How silly of me.  Contortionist techniques have become so popular among today's youth that I sometimes forget that not everybody can free themselves from straightjackets.  I'll rectify this situation at once," he said, rising to his feet.

A few moments later the same two people were sitting around the same table with the same spherical fruit and pot of tea, but Princess Rune was no longer wearing a straightjacket.  The same can't be said of the blue latex pants, but that's a different story.

"...Well, it appears that we've come to a bit of a quandary," Dr. Semimad said at last, fingers steepled together and a contemplative look on his face.  "After hearing your accounts of Princess Fatora's...deeds, torturing you seems rather pointless.  I mean, I'd probably have to use the Highly Unusual and Unorthodox but Strangely Effective Tortures to produce any noticeable effects at all, and I just don't have the heart for that right now.  On the other hand and my earlier period of repentance notwithstanding, I'm still under an obligation to eliminate the threat you pose to the new regime.  A refusal to do so on my part, while not significantly injurious to myself, would likely result in your transferal to the Ministry of Hypnosis, and...well, I've heard quite a few unfavorable and shounen-ai-esque stories about _that_ department that, when coupled with the life-size and fan-servicey poster of you on their wall, lead me to fear for your...continued sanctity over there.  I guess I'll just have to convince you to support Empress Diva using logic," he concluded glumly.

Now it was Princess Rune's turn to blink.  "Logic?  You expect to convince me to support the one who has usurped my throne and enslaved my people using logic?  I'm sorry doctor, but I think you'd be more successful with the torture."

"That's what my father thought too, but I didn't listen to him at first," Dr. Semimad replied with a far-off look in his eyes.  "Oh no, not me, the young rebel who wanted to be a logician when he grew up.  Well, that or a florist, but Dr. Putrid T. Gangrene was virtually running the botany department by the time I entered college, and it was frustratingly hard to work with the man.  Honestly, taking over the world with killer tomatoes?  That might work in an early morning, weekend cartoon series, but this is El-Hazard.  Killer Tree-Fish, on the other hand...Anyway, falling in love and deciding to start a family put an end to all that.  Being a minister is a dependable, well-paying job with full government benefits, and it's worth it to support my wife and kids, but sometimes I wonder..."

Realizing that he was getting carried away in his own reminiscing, Dr. Semimad coughed and refocused on the present.  "Yes, well, nostalgia aside, I would like to give this a try, and I think the best place to begin with would be the history and purpose of governments.  You see, the concept dates back to-"

******

Stanley Spadowski, still carrying his mop and occasionally giggling in a deeply disturbing way, walked into a restaurant where he had a reservation, grabbed a menu, and prepared to order a meal.  With a few obvious exceptions, this appeared to be a perfectly normal activity.  

And yet... Nothing Good Could Come Of This...particularly since Stanley's mop had now gained the notice of the Guide's as yet unknown adversary.

Imagine a game of chess where one player has captured nearly all of the other's pieces and completely surrounded the king, and no matter how hard the other player tries he or she can't seem to break free.  Well, what the Guide's as yet unknown adversary was doing amounted to that other player throwing a fit, shoving all of the carefully arranged pieces to the floor, and slamming the chessboard over the first player's head.

In other words, there was now an infinite improbability field being generated around the mop in a restaurant where bistromathics was in effect.

Once again, Nothing Good Could Come Of This.

******

Demiigor, after placing a box of take-out in front of Rune Venus who nodded gratefully at him, walked over to Dr. Semimad and interrupted his well-reasoned and logical lecture on why Empress Diva should be supported.  The loyal lab assistant whispered something in his master's ear and then left to gather more food.

"Excellent," Dr. Semimad commented after a moment, an extremely pleased expression on his face.

"What?  You've realized the futility of trying to convince me to give up and have decided to cease your argument?" Princess Rune asked eagerly, a hopeful note in her voice.

Dr. Semimad looked shocked.  "What?  Of course not.  You remember the anime that I got my hands on thanks to a giant plot hole and attempted to transform you into an otaku with?  Well, apparently the online bidding for the entire set has reached one hundred thousand roshtals on eBay and is still rising.  If this keeps up I'll be able to put all three of my daughters - they're triplets you know - through the finest academies in the land without even the slightest of financial worries.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yes, the founding of the Alliance and the role of the Roshtarian royal family.  It begins with-"

Princess Rune Venus groaned and leaned back in her chair.  She had a feeling that she was in for a very long and boring next couple of hours.

******

Shayla-Shayla's snoring had not gone unnoticed.  Attracted to the odd (and loud) sounds, a group of Creterian worker bugrom, also known as termite bugrom, cautiously sought out their point of origin and soon discovered the exhausted and sleeping forms of Ura, Parnasse, and Shayla-Shayla.  They chittered in excitement as a genetic memory surfaced, identifying the fire priestess.  The Ancient Bugrom Cooperative had a use for her.

Spinners going to work, the termite bugrom quickly encased Ura, Parnasse, and Shayla-Shayla in a sphere of webbing and gently, in order not to wake them, carried their prisoners back to the Creterian Bugrom's main hive.  

******

"-and that brings me to my last and hopefully final point," Dr. Semimad announced, much to Rune's relief whose head was hung in near defeat.  After hearing her reasons for opposing Empress Diva brilliantly and caustically torn to shreds by Dr. Semimad's surprisingly persuasive logical arguments, even she was beginning to have some doubts that she was doing the right thing.  A place to act depressed and angst would be a godsend right now, but unfortunately the Bugrom had completely remodeled her balcony, and even if they hadn't she was still a prisoner.

"Tell me, princess, in the long term, do you really think the people of Roshtaria will be better off under your leadership than Diva's?" Dr. Semimad asked, eyes burning into hers and demanding an answer.  "I've refuted your points about slavery, military conquest, and human interests being represented, among other topics, and the Bugrom are currently the only organization with the resources and numbers to rebuild this country without placing virtually unbearable burdens on the citizens.  After everything that's been said and done, do you truly believe that you can do a better job ruling the world than Empress Diva?"

Do you truly believe that you can do a better job ruling the world than Empress Diva?

She would consider the question for some time.

******

Mike:  Virtually no fan-service and a bare minimum of crossovers.  Something doesn't feel right...

Tom:  Maybe the current author's been replaced by a pod-person!

Crow:  Or perhaps he finally realized how much like a fanboy he's been acting in his recent posts.

Mike:  ...The pod-person theory sounds much more likely, if you ask me.

[d.t.]

It was nothing and nowhere, a black and infinite sea of possibility extending into infinity in all directions.  Most minds would have been terrified of it.  Tina was just curious.  She could not see her body, not even feel it.  This was all very... curious.

"Hel... Hello?" she called inot the void.  She could not feel her mouth, and yet the words seemed as real as any she had ever spoken.

"Hello Hello, Tina Bradford Bradford.  You You must have questions questions."

The endless potential was then filled with something almost real.  Somehow she knew that this was all in her mind, even though her wonderous surroundings seemed perfectly solid.  She was standing on one side of a huge ring of stone, which was floating like a boat, impossibly, on a rainbow river.  Wonderous faerie castles could be seen on the distant shores.  But, in all honesty, she was much more interested in the creature that was seated on the other side of the stone circle, danglings its feet in the water.  OR at least it seemed to be dangling its feet - it was leaving ripples in the water, and its clothing suggested that it was dangling its feet.  But she saw no feet.  In fact she saw nothing in those strange blue and gold robes.  Even more curious was the thing's becrowned head, which seemed like a top covered with faces.  

At first she thought that there was some sort of optical illusion going on, since the creature looked to be as tall as ten men, yet it was seated on the same craft as her, and she barely had room to move on her side.  Then she realized that it wasn't an optic illusion - because she wasn't seeing this with her eyes.

"Am I dead?" she asked.  "Is this what comes after life?  Are you a god?"

"No No. You You, are not dead, not exactly exactly."  

Tina frowned, or at least though she did.  She didn't like the sound of that.  "Who are you, and what do you mean by exactly?"

"We We have been called many names, Tina Bradford, but we are now called The Other Other.We We saved you from your fate, from death death.  To to take up a mind, to store that conciousness, without outside forces knowing of our actions... that is not outside our capabilities ies."

"Store my mind... what about my body?"

"Ah Ah. Unfortunately Unfortunately The Doctor has stolen it it.  Do Do not be too hard on him, his current mindset and that strange physical mutation are the result of interference from an enemy of his his. We We have not been able to determine which enemy or how this was done, however, so... we have decided to step in in".

"Why?"

"Why Why?We We detest unknown variables variables.   There There is something strange about you, that we cannot quite put our finger on on.  And And we felt like having some more company company.You You know," added The Other, "a little gratitude would probably be appropriate iate."

"Oh!  Sorry.  Thank you.  Everyone is always telling me I forget my manners when I get curious."

"No No harm done, we suppose pose."

I still don't understand.  What's going to happen to me?  Can you help me get my body back?"

"We We honestly don't know know.  For For now, however, you'll just have to do as we have done for a very long time - wait wait."



Crayna-Crayna's place had a comforting folksy quality to it, yet managed to convey a sense of great spiritual energy, as if the interior had been designed by a zen buddhist hobbit.  A very alcoholic zen buddhist hobbit, with a liver the size of Texas. Fujisawa-sensei would have thought he'd died and gone to heaven.  Nanami was standing in silent awe to this temple to liquor while Crayna rummaged through her collection for the tequila.  Something was nagging at Nanami, however.  Something that sensei had said, something she felt might be important.

"Let's see, where did I put that bottle?" muttered Crayna as she searched.

And then it hit Nanami.  "Wait!  Tequilla is from earth!  You might have something similar to it, but-"

"Found it!" grinned Craytna, holding up a bottle.  In blatant disregard for the fact that Makoto and his friends were meant to be the first contact El-Hazard had ever had with Earth, Crayna was clearly holding up an old bottle of tequilla.  The label was even in English, for goodness' sakes.

"How... That's not possible!" Explained Nanami, pointing a shaking finger at the offending bottle.

"The priestesses o' Fire have many sacred duties," explained Crayna soothingly, "not least o' which is t' know everything there is t' know about alcohol, even the bits that should be fookin' impossible t' know.  Oh, th' things I could tell you about Zima..."

Throughout this conversation Kauru had been quietly buzzing to herself, leaning heavily on Ibn al-Zagad and looking decidedly as if she was suffering from one of the many unusual afflictions that befall only insects (the current author knew a fair amount about insect pathology, and gives assurances that this meant Kauru looked like hell warmed over).  At the sight of the bottle, however, her eyes practically lit up, and she flew (not literally, although she probably could have) across the room, snatching it from Crayna's hands.  "Tequilla!" she cried happily, "es muy bueno!"  Crayna smiled brightly as the young Great Priestess of Water drank up.  "'Bout time th' water priestesses got 'emselves a priestess that drank more'n feckin' water.  Now, let's see some of that venom."  Kauru practically choked on her drink, and blushed bright red.  Wiping her chin dry, she leaned in close to Crayna's ear and began whispering.  "What?  Oh.  You mean?  Huh." said Crayna, nodding her head every few moments.  She turned to her demon god.  "Ibn Al-Zhad!"

"Yes my master, how might I please-" began Ibn Al-Zahad.

"We need a sample.  So Kauru needs t' sit on your head."



Princess Rune stood with her hands clasped behind her back, admiring one of the new walls the Bugrom had installed.  She sighed.  "The problem is," she answered, "that the Bugrom really will deliver all that they promise.  I'm sure they will build very nice buildings.  I'm sure they will find a way to solve any food shortages.  I'm sure they'll make and do anything asked of them.  That's the problem."  She turned around and looked at Dr. Semimad cooly.  "If they do not work, my people will not grow."

Dr. Semimad was impressed.  "There's some logic to that," he conceeded, "but perhaps you should consider-"

"Speaking of considering things logically, you mentioned that Ifurita was neutralized because Makoto was poisoned."

"Oh.  Yes.  Without the antidote given at regular intervals, the boy will die."

"And has he been recieving it regularly?"

Dr. Semimad consulted with Demiigor for  moment.  There was a great deal of nodding and shaking of heads, along with a gret deal of pointing, gesturing, and coughing (the coughing resulting from Demiigor's impersonation of a man dying horribly).  At last Dr. Semimad turned back to the Princess.  "Apparently not."

"Then Makoto's either dead or cured.  Either way it's only a matter of time before Ifurita returns.  Might I suggest you consider the logic of waiting until she's back before definitely deciding to be on the Bugrom's side?"

"There is some logic to that..."  Dr. Semimad remembered the damage Ifurita had done when she wasn't berserk with rage and grief.  "Actually, there's a hell of a lot of logic in that."



"Well now, here's your problem," explained Crayna, "this poison's biological.  Love potions, I'm th fokin' best there is.  Basic chemistry, I know what I'm doing.  Fire, I know like th' back of my fokin' hand.  Watching The Damn Volcano - named after Khardan Al-The and Sadil Rafit Damn, who discovered it - I can hold my own.  But making biological things... we're outta luck."

"Actually, I can replicate it." intoned Al-Zahad smoothly.  The others looked at him with newfound respect,except Crayna-Crayna, who just couldn't seem to respect him after their earlier session picking out his new wardrobe.  "However, there is another problem.  I believe that, in their subterranian excavations, the bugrom may have accidentally activated something underneath one of those villages.  If my sensors are correct, we will need the help of young Makoto if any of us are to live.  While Ifurita or I could mimic his technique, I believe his experience would be vital."

What the ancient Bugrom had accidentally activated was, in fact, a home media center belonging to one of The Ancients that had died in the holy wars.  Its speaker system had, unfortunately, been left on its highest settings, and the ample shielding needed to protect the listener (and the surrounding few square miles of countryside) from this ludicrous setting had not survived the holy wars.  The CD player, on the other hand, had survived, along with a built-in alarm clock that was set to play the loudest CD available, very soon.

[MrWhat]

Bill, anonymous lowly young Phantom Tribe minion, was looking for his errant Pretty Magical God.  He heard a ruckus in his Lord Nahato's chambers, peeked into the room, and saw a tangled (but not glued) pile of people, with a power-key-staff super-glue-gun sticking out of the bottom of the pile.

He leaned back from the room, and called down the hallway.  "ALYSSA!!  I found her!!"

Alyssa came to the doorway, and to Bill's side.  She was Bill's new girlfriend, and the poor dear who was still working on the Anti Nanami Defense Screen.  The current writer had decided that it was about time she had a name, and he had just picked a name for her, at random, from a phone book.

Sadly for Bill and the newly-named Alyssa, All-Purpose Cultural Cat-Girl Jinnie-Jinnie suddenly accidentally triggered said super-glue-gun.  Alyssa yelped, and instinctively glomped Bill, just in time for them to get completely glued together again.

Bill's face went very red, but he sighed.  "Oh well.  At least she didn't rip all our clothes off first, this time."


Fatora angrily whipped off her cunning disguise, in order to better confront her clone twins.  "YOU!!" she shouted.  "YOU'RE the ones in charge of this delightfully depraved den of iniquity!!"

Jinnai was still trying to leave, but Fatora and Alielle were blocking the front door.  "Uh, would you excuse me, please?" Jinnai asked politely.

"How could you abandon me an' Alielle like that!?" Fatora demanded, her eyes moist with angry tears.  "I thought we were FAMILY!!  What about the special bond we all had!?  What about the LOVE we shared!?  And WHAT about the GREAT SEX!?"

Jinnai sweat-dropped.  "With that lovely thought, could I please be excused?"

"And NOW, I find that YOU'RE the ones in charge of the ninjas!!  YOU'RE the ones that stole that delicious little morsel from me an' Alielle, in the bath-house!!"

"Pardonnez-mois?" said Jinnai.

"And YOU'RE in charge of this girls' seminary too!?  Don't get me wrong-- I'm proud of how quickly you've taken charge!!  But you could have at least given me an' Alielle a visitor's pass!!"

"Sumimasen?" said Jinnai.

"And you've even captured THIS loser--"  Fatora pointed at Jinnai.  "--and you didn't tell ME about it, so that I could come slap 'im around a little!?"

Jinnai had finally had enough.  "That's LORD GOD Loser, thank you very much!  And I've got a world-wide empire to lord over, and a sweet little sweeper to angst over!!  GROUCHO!!  Get those perverts OUT of the freakin' WAY, wouldja!?"

Before Groucho could lumber forwards, Gatora snapped her fingers.  In the blink of an eye, the four intruders were surrounded by dozens of female ninjas.  Though the seminary acolytes now worshipped both forms of Jinnai, the ninjas remained loyal to their newly-revealed mistresses.  And even Groucho couldn't deal with so many mysterious cloaked but shapely female figures.  

Alielle gulped, and nervously raised a hand.  "Um... there seems to be some kind of wacky misunderstanding here.  Couldn't we work this out, say, in a happy fun Fatora and me kind of way?"

Hatora smiled a disturbing smile.  "Perhaps.  But you are all intruders here, and so our ninjas have to whack the stuffing out of you first."

"Oh," Alielle sighed.  "'Kay.  Just thought I'd ask."


After a shared acetone bath and several separate cold showers, an unglued Bill and Alyssa humbly kneeled before an angry Nahato.  All-Purpose Cultural Cat-Girl Jinnie-Jinnie also sat on the floor at Nahato's side, licking her bare arms and legs in a way that was feline, freaky and fan-servicey.

"SO!" Nahato said.  "YOU'RE the ones responsible for bringing this freak back to Kingfisher!"

"But, sir!" Bill groveled.  "I just thought--"

"SHUT IT!!" Nahato yelled.  "I'm not PAYING you to THINK!!  It's just LUCKY for ALL of us that *I* was clever enough to transform this incredibly dangerous demon god into a fan-servicey cat-girl!!"

Bill started to reply, but he glanced at Jinnistacia, and his nose began to bleed.  Nahato raised an eyebrow, turned to look at Jinnistacia too, and suffered a second nosebleed.

Even Alyssa gulped.  "Isn't that anatomically impossible for a human?"

"JINNIE!!" screamed Nahato.  "DON'T LICK YOURSELF THERE!!"


Yume and Peorth were taking a break from doing jack squat.  They both sat at the lab break table, enjoying fresh coffee and donuts, but still reading day-old newspapers.

Peorth glanced at another one of Yume's monitors.  Her face lit up, and she shouted in an Arnold Horshack kind of way.  "OOH!!  OOH OOH!!  OOH!!"

Yume almost choked on her donut in surprise.  She cleared her throat, and glared at Peorth.  "What!?  What is it!?"

Peorth gestured to Yume's monitor with eager excitement.  "Zere!!  Ze Doctor has renounced ze Time Lords and ze Gallifreyan Matreex, and now he has creeated le duplicate from le Tina!  Zere are ze two Doctors!!"

"Aw, nuts," said Yume.  "C'mon, hon.  Don't say it--"

"Eet ees ze PARADOX!!"

Yume pulled a face.  "Of course, you realize, I have to give you a dope-slap for making that tired cliched pun."

Peorth grinned.  "Oui.  But eet ees worth ze extra screen-time."

One dope-slap later...

Yume rubbed her chin.  "Actually, this might just be the job for you.  The Doctor has renounced his Matrix, but you've still got the Yggdrasil OS and the Ultimate Force working for you."

Peorth was still rubbing the back of her head (Yume gave a mean dope-slap), but she jumped to her feet.  "Eet ees finally time for le Splendiloquent Peorth to demonstrates what she ees made of!!"

She suddenly performed the Oh My Goddess! version of a Magical Girl Transformation.  In a flash of light, her black spandex bikini and loose wide belts transformed into a perfect copy of Ishiel's Cool Times Ten Matrix outfit... except for one detail.

Yume raised an eyebrow.  "That's nice, hon...  But I thought Trinity wore ultra-cool sunglasses, not cheap Groucho Marx glasses..."

And so it was that the Splendiloquent (and Mostly Cool Times Ten) Peorth set out to defeat the evil Valyard-esque Doctor, and somehow restore him to the loveably whimsical renegade Time Lord that he truly was (except when he was the early Sixth Doctor, who strangled his own companions).

Sadly, this titanic battle was best left to a future writer, if it was to parody The Matrix properly.  The current writer was a rabid drooling fan-boy of both the Doctor Who and Oh My Goddess! franchises-- but at the risk of losing his fan-boy credentials, he had to admit that he was only a casual fan of The Matrix trilogy.


Ifurita, still holding a half-conscious Makoto in her arms, was doing her best to evade the angry swarms of Bugrom wasps pursuing her.  But, as powerful as her battle computers were, her foes were simply too many to evade for much longer.

Suddenly, a blast of energy fried two or three of the wasps.  Unfortunately, it also passed over Ifurita's feet.

"OUCH!!" said Ifurita.  "That STUNG!!"  She looked down, and saw that her feet were now bare, in much the same way that they were when she met Makoto in the ruins under the school.

Ifurina and Staff-chan flew up.  "Sorry!" Ifurina called out.  "I wanted to help, but I'm not much of a shot yet--"

Ifurita realized that Ifurina and Staff-chan were her only hope of protecting her beloved soul-mate from icky-squicky possession.  "Do not worry!" she shouted back.  "You will not injure me with that low level of wasp- and cloth-destroying power!  Please, stop the other wasps as quickly as you can!!"

"You got it!" Ifurina said happily.  She swung a worried Staff-chan around, and fried a couple more wasps.

This time, Ifurita had to briefly juggle Makoto to keep him out of harm's way.  After catching him again, she looked down at herself, and saw that Ifurina's second zap had torn open the front of her outfit-- again, in much the same way that it was when she met Makoto in the ruins under the school.

As Ifurina took poor aim at the remaining wasps, Ifurita sighed.  At this rate, Ifurita realized, she would just about be naked again after all the wasps were zapped.


An impeccably dressed and very snooty waiter stood at Staney Spadowski's table.  Oddly enough, due to yet another gratuitous throw-away cross-over, the waiter was known only as Sparky.

Sparky raised an impeccably arched and very snooty eyebrow.  "A Twinkie Weiner Sandwich?" he repeated, in disbelief, with as much disdain as he could muster.  Being a very snooty waiter, he could muster quite a lot of disdain.

Stanley, being Stanley, cheerfuly ignored the disdain.  "Yup.  Do ya know how to make 'em?"

"Oh, I'm sure our five-star kitchen can work it out somehow," Sparky said icily.  "Wouldn't Sir prefer filet mignon, or surf-n-turf, or--"

"How 'bout a box of cornflakes?" Stanley countered.  "With a Free Toy Inside?"

Sparky sighed.  "One Twinkie Weiner Sandwich, coming up."

Stanley continued his deeply disturbing giggling, in eager anticipation of his tasty treat.  Meanwhile, his beloved mop fairly hummed with bistromathic energies, in a No Good Can Come Of This kind of way.


Hector the royal wolfhound was still wandering the palace grounds near the royal petting zoo.  He missed his mistress Rune, and he was trying to find her again.  But he had only found the Roshtarian Underground Resistance HQ by accident.  He had no way of knowing that his mistress was (to paraphrase an old C&W song) Back In The Straitjacket Again, with her fragile sanity under the expert attack of Dr. Semimad.

But then, Hector was about to have troubles of his own.  He padded around a corner, and found himself face-to-snout with sheer primordial horror.

"PUPPY!!!!!!" said Elmira, as she lunged at Hector.

"YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP!!" said Hector, as he ran away very very quickly.


Kauru was feeling much better.  In fact, she was drunkenly dancing in place, sloshing her half-empty bottle of tequila in one hand.  She was half-humming, half-buzzing a classic instrumental rock song that she had heard Makoto sing to himself.

"Bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz,
Bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz.
Bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz,
Bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz.

Bzz bzz bzz bzzzzz-- bzz!!
Bzz bzz bzz bzzzzz-- bzz!!
Bzz bzz bzz bzzzzz-- bzz!!
Bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz bzz--
TEQUILA!!"

Nanami sighed.  "Crayna?  I think she's had enough."


In a ruins just beneath one of the rural settlements at the edge of Floristica, an ancient El-Hazard home media center had come to life.  All those nifty little LEDs that you see on the front panels of home media centers were happily blinking away.

The LEDs themselves were quite harmless, but they had terrified the white Bugrom who had discovered the ruins.  The alien Bugrom had unwisely abandoned the ruins, not only because they had left its contents active, but also because they had fled into the paws of a squadron of Giant Sewer Rats, to meet an unpleasant crunchy-squishy end.

Meanwhile, back at the ruins, one LED was counting down backwards, having just starting at 4:00 hours.  Less than four hours remained before much of Floristica would be destroyed again, by an as-yet not fully imagined horror.

The horror could not be fully imagined until the current writer directed the point of view to an empty CD case resting in a cute little "Now Playing" rack.  The CD case label read:  My Bloody Valentine: Loveless.  Anyone who has heard MBV at normal levels would tremble in fear, to imagine it played at city-destroying volume.

The current writer wasn't sure how a classic early-1990s noise-guitar album from present-day Earth had come to be in an ancient El-Hazard home media center.  But it was probably something along the same lines as the Evangelion DVDs and the tequila.

And the current writer was relieved that the VCR component of the ancient El-Hazard home media center was still showing the correct time.  Makoto would have a difficult enough time shutting down the CD player, without having to set the clock on a VCR.  Even Makoto's ability had its limits.


Crow:  Did that reply have any canonical El-Hazard content at all?

Mike:  Yeah, but if you blinked, you would have missed it.

Tom:  Y'know, we're not helping with the excessive cross-overs, our own selves.

[Lord God Jinnai]

Jinnai glared at the approaching ninja women. "You'll never take me alive, you hear me! I'll not suffer this hell's torments again!" He turned to Groucho and held out his open hand. "Groucho! Cyanide pill!"

"@!$!%!$#@$#" said the Bugrom sadly.

"WHATTA YA MEAN YOU ATE IT FOR A SNACK?! Dammit! I told you that those pills are for the rare occasions when we face a fate worse than death!" Jinnai began to kick his hapless lackey repeatedly.

Fatora herself was having her own shouting match. "You two traitors will pay for this!" she shouted to her clones. "When I get done with you two, you'lll be beggin me put you out of your misery!"

Allielle merely whimpered agains the princess as the ninjas unsheathed their blades.

"Good gracious me, look at this. If I didn't know any better, I'd say that we've come to an old fashioned beat down." Everyone turned to the source of the voice, which turned out to be a tall man wearing a black suit and sunglasses. He stepped into the building through the open entrance, a creepy grin on his face.

"Who the hell are you?!" shouted Jinnai and Fatora in unison.

"Oh, me?" The man pointed to himself. "I am the Doctor. Dr. Smith, as it were. And this," he turned to the shadows, from which stepped a man who looked exactly like him, "is Dr. Smith. And this," Smith turned to his other side, and from those shadows emerged another man who looked exactly like himself, "is Dr. Smith. My, my, my. There seems to be a lot of me around, doesn't it?"

"What the hell?" said a female ninja in shock.

"Kill these interlopers!" ordered Gatora. She and her sister sensed upcoming violence and retreated further into the seminary.

One of the braver ninjas rushed forwards and swung her sword at the nearest Smith, but the man dodged the weapon easily. The second Smith then leapt forwards and rammed his hand into the ninja's chest, starting the whole black goo/making new Smith thing. After the dark liquid receded, a fourth Smith was created.

The ninjas, as well as Jinnai, Fatora, Allielle, and Groucho, gaped in shock. The warriors quickly shook it off and attacked; the rush of female bodies washed over the Smiths, but many were thrown away. The unlucky ones were turned into more Smiths.

"This is nuts!" squealed Jinnai as he backed away from the fight in fright. "Groucho! Get me out of here!" The young man quickly leapt onto his Bugrom minion's back, and the two dashed off into the seminary's vast halls.

"This is crazy!" Fatora cried as she backed away from the fight. "Allielle, get me out of here!" The young princess quickl leapt onto her lesbian lover's back, but unfortunately Allielle wasn't strong enough and the two collapsed into a heap. "Dammit, Allielle! Why don't you work out more?"

"I'm sorry, Lady Fatora. But I- EEEEEK!" The young girl screamed as a black-suited figure stepped right up to them.

"Well, well, well. You seem in... distress. Need a hand?" Smith grinned evilly and jabbed his hand towards the two women.

************************************************

While Ifurina kept the Bugrom wasps busy, Ifurita flew down towards the ground with Makoto in tow. She placed the young man gently down upon a soft bed of leaves before turning to regard her ruined and now very fanservicey clothing.

"I hate it when this happens," she muttered to herself.

"Yes, so do I." Ifurita whirled around at the sound of the voice, her keystaff held up defensively. "Hey now! Calm down! You might hurt someone with that." A tall man in a black suit and sunglasses stepped out of the trees. Although his manner was friendly, there was something odd about him. "You must be the Demon God everyone here's been talking about lately."

"Who are you?" she asked him, her eyes narrowing dangerously.

"Oh, how rude of me. I should have introduced myself first. Hello, I am the Doctor. Dr. Smith, as it would seem."

"What do you want?" Ifurita stepped backwards in order to shield Makoto better from the strange man. She didn't like him, he was too confident. Something was wrong.

"What do I want?" Smith smiled. "Oh, that's a pretty simple question to answer, actually. I want you." He then nodded down at Makoto. "And the boy. And the entire human race extinct. Simple answer for a simple question."

"You're mad."

Smith chuckled. "Oh no, quite the opposite actually. I'm very, very happy. You see, not too long ago, I was killed. It was very annoying, to tell you the truth, but I got over it. Now I knew what I had to do then, I knew the rules. But I didn't do it. I chose not to do it. I disobeyed."

Smith stepped closer to Ifurita, his smile vanishing. "You see, I finally realized something. I found my answer, and it set me free. I was a new man, a new being. I had a purpose."

"You see," Ifurita was startled by the voice to her left, and was even more shocked to see that it belonged to a man identical to Smith in every way. He stepped out of the shadows of some trees and continued. "It is purpose that creates us."

"It is purpose that defines us," said another Dr. Smith, who stepped out of some shrubbery.

"Purpose that drives us," said a Smith emerging from behind a tree.

"Purpose that defines us," said the Smith who came out of a nearby port-a-potty.

"Purpose that unites us," said another Smith who leapt out of a hole in the ground.

"We're here, to achieve our purpose." With that, the first Smith lunged forwards, intent on imbedding his hand into Ifurita's chest.

The Demon God, being used to this sort of move from perverted males (and Fatora), dodged the hand and punched the Doctor in the face. He stumbled a bit before rushing forwards again, followed by his fellows. Ifurita dodged madly, trying to keep away from the hands and fists of the multiple Doctors. Several kicks and well-placed punches sent them away, but the Smiths seemed unhurt and rushed her again.

Ifurita whirled her power staff and slammed it into one of the Doctors, sending him flying into the air and impacting  a tree. Her victory was short-lived though, as she saw more Smiths emerging from the forest and bushes around her.

"This might take a while," she said to herself.

************************************************

The goddess Poerth stepped from her portal and onto the silent Florestica streetcorner. What was once a busy marketplace was all but deserted, which worried the Yggdrassil goddess. A sudden noise caused her to whirl around, the sudden motion almost knocking her Groucho Marx glasses off.

"Sacre bleu!" she exclaimed.

A lone, dark figure was making his way down the street towards her. Sheer malevolence emanated from his form, and his nondescript black suit and features did little to hide the pure evil in his walk. He scared some crows nearby, causing the birds to fly into the air away from him. This only made his entrance much more dramatic.

"Ah, Ms. Peorth. Surprised to see me?" said Dr. Smith.

"Non," The goddess made a mad face, but the Groucho Marx sunglasses, with its fake nose and 'stache, hid it from view.

"Aww," Smith pouted. "Did we offend you?" Several more Smiths emerged from various hiding places, all wearing similar expressions on their faces.

"Doctor," Peorth began, "I have, how you say, come here to help vous. Ze Ozer, he must be stopped. To do so, I must cure you of zis evil curse zat has fallen upon vous."

The Doctor laughed. "Oh, don't worry about the Other. He'll be dealt with soon enough, right after I've wiped out the human race."

Peorth sighed in annoyance. "Look. I will not ask again. Zis is very important, and I have no time for zis. Ze universe is at stake, non? We should be working togezere!"

"Oh we will," Smith smirked. "We will" He held out his hand.

"Wait!" Poerth glared at him. "I am ze Yggdrassil goddess, very powerful. I shall, how you say, wipe ze floor with vous!"

"Oh, I don't THINK so." Smith gritted his teeth as he spoke. "You see, although the current writer is a fan of El-Hazard, Doctor Who, and the Matrix, he has NEVER seen an episode of Oh My Goddess. Therego he has no idea who you are, nor does he have any idea what you can do. Therego, I am sure to win."

"Oh sheet," cried Peorth in dismay.

"Plus, he has a vicious hatred for all things French."

"Double Sheet."

Smith grinned before jamming his hand right into Peorth's chest. The world seemed to shake as the process commensed. The fabric of time and space shuddered, the multiverse twisted upon itself, and the dimensions danced a jig as Dr. Smith erased and wrote himself into the goddess's identity. With a loud PLUNK, the black goo receded, leaving an exact duplicate of Smith where Peorth had stood.

The new Smith looked around in confusion before pulling off his sunglasses. The other Doctors were confused as well, all stepping back, unsure of what had happened. The new Smith looked around with his new eyes, then began laughing hysterrically. The sound of his voice resounded off the walls of the empty street, seeming to signal the coming of something new and terrible.

************************************************

"No!"

"No!"

"No!"

"No!"

"No!"

"NO NO NO!!!"

[d.t.]

Yume sighed, took a sip of hot spiced tea, and looked through the window.

The fleet of Creterian warships still hung in the air over Florestica, like a flock of petrified birds that were somehow defying the laws of gravity, as a reminder to everyone of just how important very small parts can be. Yume sighed again and turned back to her computer.  With the money from her business transactions she would be able to obtain the parts she needed.  And the readings she had surrepticiously made of Peorth might very well hold the key to perfecting her next invention.

The screen she was staring at showed schematics for a cyborg tree.



The Smiths paused in their fight against Ifurita for a moment.  One of them smirked and adjusted his tie.  "The end is close now," he chortled in a voice like rich black oil, "That final darkness, that last dance with death, just a few moves away.  We were destined to meet this day.  It was pre-ordained.  And soon I will be free of your stinking, sweaty, disgusting kind.  Forever."

Ifurita did not give a vocal reply, instead smoothly sliding into a new stance.  She was slightly away from Cthe nearest Smith, her body and face turned almost 90 degrees from the Doctor.  Her staff she held waist
high, on her left, the side furthest from the Smith.   She held the weapon precisely horizontal.  Her right hand hovered over the staff, ready to grab it, and she slid into a half crouch, leaning slightly more on her left (back) foot, her right foot pointed at the Smith, her left perfectly perpendicular to it.  

To put it another way, she moved into a stance that would result in one hell of a swing.

Slowly, the Smiths began their attack again, all wearing the same smirk of subtle arrogance.  As one they leapt at her.  As one they were sent flying when she grabbed her staff with her right hand and twisted at her waist.  The staff connected with them one by one, producing sounds that would no doubt be very satisfying to anyone ever annoyed by Smith's hot air.  Again and again the staff swung, neatly sending Smiths flying in all directions.  And then one Smith got lucky, got past her formidible defences, and seized his chance to shove his fingers at her abdomen.

He yelped, partly in surprise but mostly in pain, as the digits in his right hand snapped and broke.  A moment later Ifurita's staff connected with his adam's apple, and the Smith found himself being knocked away in a very painful way.  Ifurita wasn't a human, wasn't even a nanite-altered human.  Apparently that meant that Ifurita couldn't be remade in his image.

This was a Very Good Thing.

Ifurita smiled.  "As I have heard Nanami-san say... 'put up your dukes'."



In the sewers, some of the Ancient Bugrom stumbled upon the secret all female sect of mice with hats built around the book "How to brainwash women and turn them into your love slaves."

Not since a particularly sadistic young Ancient had built the Blender of God had any bugs been so effectively pureed.



"So you see," explained Tina, "you're only mostly dead.  There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. "

A ninja raised her hand nervously.  "Um... is that a god?"  She was pointing at The Other, who was standing slightly away from the expanding group.

The landscape had been altered again, this time replaced with a breathtaking undersea vista, heavy on the soothing blue shades and calming schools of multicolored fish.  Jellyfish undulated, coral spiraled upwards, and somewhere Nemo (the original one, not the Disney one) might very well have been hiding in his Nautillus.  Theoretically The Other could have stored a few planets' worth of minds here, but things were already beginning to feel crowded.

Tina sighed.  So did several of the other people there.  Frankly they were getting sick of that question.  "Newbies..." muttered the bread vendor that had been Smith's fourteenth victim.

"No, that's The Other.  It's kind of in charge here, and we're all very grateful that it's decided to help us."

The Other was not particularly happy about any of this.  The Other was essentially The Ancients, and The Ancients weren't known for looking after anyone but themselves.  Still, the current residents of El-Hazard were the decendents of the old lower classes.  They'd be needed for all the menial work, once The Ancients had their bodies back.  So it really wouldn't do for Smith to just wipe them all out.

Another person blinked into the crowd.  "No, I don't want a bloody jelly b- the hell?"  The man looked around in confusion.  "Where am I?  I was at Crazy Achmed's Discount Dates and... oh no, am I dead?  I'm dead, aren't I?  Oh... and I never even got to tell Hasad how I really feel!"

Most of the crowd groaned.  Tina began to explain things for what felt like the millionth time.  "No, see, your body's been taken over by The Doctor, who really isn't himself right now.  Someone did something to him.   And your mind's being stored here.  With any-"

"NO NO!" roared The Other in fury, loud enough that the El-Hazardians would have gone deaf if they were hearing with real ears.

Peorth popped into the crowd.  The small army of Ancients that made up The Other had taken a vote, and those that favored putting the goddess in their debt won by the narrowest of margins.  The Other glared at its newest "guest".

"Sacre bleu," whispered the goddess, "Peorth, you are really in ze deep yogurt zis time..."

"Um," whispered Hassan, who had in fact been one of Smith's earlier victims, "this may not be the best time, but what do you mean by 'how you really feel', Abu?"



The former head of the Roshtarian resistance knelt before his new queen.  He was shirtless.  An immature wasp grub was clinging to his side, steadily sucking the blood from him.  He was intensely happy to serve the hive in this way.  "My queen!" he exclaimed, overwhelemed with the joy of addressing his monarch, "our scouts have returned bearing... things that... are... neat!"  He had never really been any good at public speaking, which was probably part of the reason the resistance had never really amounted to much.  "I present to you... a hostform that smells a lot like metal, had bits of metal in her, and doesn't wake up!"  he gestured theatrically as several white Bugrom dragged in the prone form of Ifurita III.  "Hang on!" he yelled, since this was the first time he had actually seen what the Bugrom were bringing, "that's Ifurita!"

"Deeva?" queried the Ancient Bugrom Queen.

"Ifurita!  She's a demon goddess!  Demon goddess.  She's sort of a... well, she blows things up really well.  We should try to fix her if she's broken."

"Deeeva.  Deeeeeeeva.  Diva?"

"Yes Your Majesty.  She does look like she's had a big workout recently."

"Diva.  Deeeva?"

"They said the other gift was 'she of the red hair'," he answered.



In the sewers, a small group of Ancient Bugrom had actually gotten past most of the mice with hats.  Used properly, their spinnerets were an effective weapon.  

Holding up small sharpened sticks, they trudged along through the sewer water.  Water is an excellent conductor of electricity.  "Pika!" said the mouse with a hat that had messed around with Dr. S's books on genetics and electricity.



Ishiel yawned melodramatically as she knocked aside a Smith with a giant dragon-snake made of stone.  Afura sniffed in annoyance as she picked up a Smith with a powerful gust of air and sent him flying toward the Creterian ships high above (a blast from the cannons Yume had recently installed kept that particular pest from bothering her).  

"Well, that's this street safe," said Ishiel chattily.

"Thank you girls," replied Millie-chan with a smile.  She turned to one of the Bugrom demon gods (who had apparently decided not to serve a queen that would turn them into the most ridiculous looking creatures imaginable only to forget about them).

"Puuchuu!"  The demon god said, raising its little staff.  A number of townsfolk that had been saved by this little militia raised their fists and let out hurrahs.

"That's excellent, well done!" replied Millie-Chan with another smile.  "Between the mice fighting those awful monsters in the sewers, and you people helping here, I think we'll win this day!"  She flashed a politician's smile.  On her shoulder was perched The Guide.

"You know, Jafar," said one of the townsfolk to another, "if we ever did have that election we were talking about earlier, this Millie girl would get my vote."

The Guide's eyes twinkled.

[rowan_a._seven]

Yume took another sip of her spiced tea and sighed in pleasure.  With the new data and parts she'd acquired, she could begin work on her newest ultimate creation, Bizen.  Of course, as the reports on her consoles reminded her, there were other...threats to deal with first.  

"This is the result of the equation trying to balance itself," the super genius muttered to herself, deep in contemplation.  "The only way to fix this is to neutralize Dr. Smith with his opposite, his positive.  Hishima, come forth!"

"Yes, Master Yume?  Shall I procure Mizuhara Makoto for you?" the faithful Demon God inquired as, shrouded in his new cloak, he stepped out of the shadows and into the light.

Yume laughed in amusement.  "Heck no!  The _last_ thing we should want is a face-off between Dr. Smith and Makoto.  The latter's tech touch ability, for all its usefulness, makes him easy pickings for this new danger.  One touch and BAM!  Instant assimilation, and if Makoto becomes a Smith the unplugged doctor will acquire to power to assimilate Demon Gods and other ancient...weapons..."  Yume trailed off in horror as this newest realization sank in, and she quickly revised her plans.

"Hishima, seek out Makoto out once and keep him safe at any and all costs!  I'll have to enact my plan by myself," she ordered urgently, leaping from her chair and running over to a desk where she picked up a tracking device and a small, rectangular box.

"But Master-" Hishima began to protest only to be silenced by Yume's stony glare.

"No buts, Hishima!  You'll just have to trust me on this.  Now go!  Time is of the essence!" she commanded.  Left with no choice, Hishima spared his master and creator one last, worried look, and left with all the speed he could muster.

"Gah, where's Yakage when you need him," Yume complained as she performed a few last minute calculations on a nearby computer and derived a flight trajectory for her transport pod.  "I swear, the things I put up with..."

******

A hand thrust itself out of a large pile of rocks near the base of Mt. Lilicoco and was promptly followed by a slightly bruised body.  The recently surfaced figure shook his head a few times as if to clear it and then looked up at the sky.

"Ah swear, that's-that's justa not right," Yakage mumbled.  His eyes widened comically as a giant boulder rolled off the cliff above him and followed the laws of gravity to their natural conclusion.

SPLAT!

******

"This is...the life," Dall-III said happily as he walked along the well-trod paths of Florestica's park, right arm linked with Ryoko's who was currently licking an ice-cream cone as they both took in the natural beauty around them.  He sighed in contentment, inexplicably pleased about the current situation.  Sure, he'd just lost a war, his kingdom, and his fortune, but he'd gained an appreciation for the simple, important things in life that he'd never paid much attention to back when he was being pampered in the palace.  And glancing at Ryoko's smiling, beaming face, Dall-III realized that he probably had more in life than he could ever want.  If only things could stay like this forever...

Of course, this was when Yume's flaming transport pod fell out of the sky and crashed right in front of them.  As the demon god and aristocrat looked on in bewilderment, the furry and slightly singed super genius got out of her vehicle and waved angry fists at the sky.  "That's not how you drive a hovercraft you dolt!  Yeah, you better run!  I've got your license plate number!"

"Darn Florestican drivers," Yume muttered in annoyance.  "They have _no_ idea how to steer when the sky is filled with Creterian ships firing defensive lasers at flying Dr. Smiths!  Honestly, don't their driver education programs teach them anything?!"

"Yume!  What are you doing here-" Ryoko exclaimed huffily only to be quickly interrupted by Yume who tossed a small, rectangular box at Dall-III.  He opened it, revealing an ornately carved sword hilt.

"There will be time for explanations later, Ryoko," Yume told her wayward creation, "but for now know this."  She stared solemnly at the fugitive Creterian Emperor who was holding the sword hilt with obvious confusion.  "You...are...The One."

******

The militia was hiding in a warehouse and planning its next move when a knock was heard at the door.  The Guide nodded at Afura who, shrugging, went to answer it and slid open the peephole to see who was on the other side.  Her inquisitive stare was met by a pair of solid black sunglasses.

"I'm looking for the Guide," the figure spoke.

"I've never heard of him," Afura answered evasively, making urgent waving motions behind her back to notify the rest of the militia that they'd probably have unwanted company soon.

The voice on the other side of the door sounded amused.  "I have something for him.  A gift.  You see, he set me free."  The figure pushed a small item through the peephole and left.

"What did he give you?" Millie-chan demanded to know.  Afura opened her hand, revealing a single, forlorn jelly baby.

"So predictable," the Guide commented as a veritable army of Dr. Smiths stormed the building, filing in through virtually every possible entrance and blocking all the exits.

******

Dall-III, also wearing a Matrix outfit now, sat on a park bench with an unusually serious and solemn expression on his face that, oddly enough, did not look out of place.  He gazed with determination at the sword hilt as Yume's voice echoed in his mind.

Go Dall.  Only you can defeat Dr. Smith.  It is all up to you now.

He slowly rose to his feet as the hilt began to throb with energy.

Do you doubt my judgment?  Ever since I first saw you I knew you had great potential.  However, since you always acted like a spoiled playboy I decided to keep quiet, but I can see it clearly now.  You do have a force rivaling that of Dr. Smith.
   
A brilliant blue blade erupted from the hilt, and Dall-III looked at it with amazement.  A moment later, though, he collected himself and gravely marched off to meet his destiny.  Ryoko was leaning against a nearby tree and waiting for him, arms crossed.  

"Are you going now, Dall?" she asked, unable to keep the worry out of her voice.

"...Yeah," Dall answered quietly.

"You could die, you know that?" Ryoko asked evenly.

"Possibly," Dall replied, resuming his march.  However, Ryoko wasn't about to let him leave so easily.  She stepped in front of him, blocking his path.

"I am a Demon God, and a powerful one at that.  I could prevent you from going," she declared threateningly only to break down crying a moment later and hug him.  "I can't bear the thought of losing you Dall!  Please, don't go!"

Dall gazed down at Ryoko with fondness and, possibly with some reluctance, pushed her away.  "I'm sorry Ryoko," he said sadly, "but I won't forsake my people.  Besides, this is also my battle now."

Ryoko looked on mournfully as Dall-III walked on, each step taking him further away from her and closer to the face of danger.  Internal conflict reflected on her face, Ryoko came to a painful decision.  "Wait, Dall!  I can...give you lift!  I know the way."

******

Mike:  (Yawns.)  Well, that was far from creative.  It looks like much of the dialogue in this post was lifted directly from the source materials.

Tom:  (Shrugs.)  What, do you honestly expect something _original_ from the current author?

Crow:  (Nods his head in agreement.)  Yeah, Mike, that _does_ sound like an unreasonable expectation.

[MrWhat]

Peorth was truly deep in yogurt, in many different ways.  Not only had she completely and utterly failed to rescue the Doctor, but her 'reconnaissance' mission had abruptly ended when the subject of her 'reconnaissance' had saved her skinny butt, against its own better judgement.  And she was powerless within The Other's mind-space.  

She was sure to face disciplinary action, if and when she returned to Yggdrasil.  In fact, since the loveably wacky Oh My Goddess! canonical franchise already included fan-servicey tickle fights and games of Twister^TM, her punishment might very well literally put her deep in yogurt.

Mostly ignored by all the others now in The Other, a whimpering Peorth fell to the ground, curled up in a fetal position, and tried to make herself as small as possible.  This served absolutely no practical purpose whatsoever, and it only served to reinforce negative stereotypes of the French.  But all Peorth could do now was to wait... and to try not to burst into tears of shame and frustration.


Peorth was an agent of Yggdrasil.  She was not exactly a computer program, herself, but she was still tightly integrated with the greatest and most powerful reality-weaving computer in a large chunk of the multi-verse.  And when Peorth was threatened, Yggdrasil itself was also threatened.

Yggdrasil automatically detected Smith's brute-force attack and possession of Peorth, diagnosing it as a virus program, in an Ah! My Goddess theatrical movie kind of way.  And Yggdrasil had a procedure to deal with virus attacks.  It was a procedure that was almost never used-- and with good reason.  It was called Vaccination.

Normally, Peorth herself was in charge of initiating and administering a Vaccination.  But since she had left her post, automatic systems within Yggdrasil were triggered.  As a Vaccination was prepared, a timer began to run.  Unless Peorth's Smith released her before the timer ran out, a Yggdrasil Vaccination would be automatically delivered to the sad little dimension containing El-Hazard, the last known whereabouts of the uninfected Peorth.

Now, Peorth was correct to view The Other's "handee-works" as bad news for Yggdrasil.  But Vaccination was a whole 'nother level of Bad News-- at least, in this fan-fictioney context.  It was essentially a "Hail Mary pass" procedure.  If it failed or mis-fired, things could get "uglee" for The Other, the Gallifreyan Matrix, the Transformers Matrix, the Matrix Matrix, the Guide, Stanley Spadowski's mop, Yggdrasil itself, and pretty much everyone and everything everywhere.

And, in another instance of writerstakelibertiesmatics, the Yggdrasil Vaccination timer was almost exactly synchronized with the CD player's timer in the ancient El-Hazard home media center.  The parts of Floristica that survived My Bloody Valentine's Loveless might very well be destroyed by the Yggdrasil Vaccination, along with most of the sad little dimension containing El-Hazard, and quite possibly a few other dimensions on the side.

In about three and a half hours, Yggdrasil might very well give a large chunk of the multi-verse a three-fingered salute.

Despite The Other's concerns that events were unfolding too quickly, the next three and a half hours or so promised to be rather important.

[Lord God Jinnai]

Makoto groaned in pain as the darkness of unconciousness began to recede. He clutched at his head, which felt like an over ripe melon. "Owie," he whimpered.

As his senses began to return to him, he noticed that there seemed to be a fight going on very near him. He opened his dry eyes and sat up, then looked around in shock. Just a few meters from him stood his beloved Ifurita, who was single-handedly battling an entire army of black-suited men. The dark, grimacing men seemed to number in the hundreds. Although they were weaker than the Demon God, their sheer multitude was beginning to overwhelm Ifurita.

"Quite a sight, isn't it?" asked a voice from close by. Makoto whirled around a saw one of the black suited men sitting next to him with an unpleasant smile on his face. "Yes indeed, quite the sight. The sheer indomitable will of the human spirit, fighting with all their might, fighting against whatever stands in their way, even if they know that it is all futile. How very dramatic, and ultimately pointless."

"W-what are you talking about?" Makoto jumped to his feet. "Who are you people?"

Smith smiled. "We are Smith. Dr. Smith. We are, what you may call, the inevitable tide caused by the footfalls of the human race. We are the consequence that came forth from your kind's idiotic flailings through the ocean of history. We are the current, the wave, and the shark all rolled into one. We are the inevitability of your race's destiny."

Makoto glared at the man. "What do you want?"

Smith chuckled and stood up. "What do I want? Why, you, Mr. Mizuhara. You." Makoto was about to ask him how he knew his name, but the Doctor continued. "Oh, don't be so surprised, Mr. Mizuhara. I know all about you. You are, after all, the cog that holds this universe together... the main wheel that drives the destiny of this world forwards... the single bolt that keeps this time stream from coming apart at its miserable seams. In other words, the main character."

"W-what?" Makoto stepped back just as Smith moved towards him.

"It's really quite simple, Mr. Mizuhara. If I get rid of you, then any hope the idiots in this dimension have are nil. That will only make the inevitable happen much more quickly. The end of everything, starts with you..." Dr. Smith snarled, then lunged forwards and imbedded his hand into Makoto's chest. The young boy screamed, or at least tried to, as the black ooze spread throughout his body.

Soon conciousness left him once more as he ceased to exist.

************************************************

Dall the Third (or is that The One?) strolled through Florestica park in search of his enemy. He held the glowing blue sword in his hand, while his cool high collared coat billowed in the breeze.  He looked up at the darkened sky just as the first drops of rain fell upon the empty city. The drops became a downpour, soaking his hair and clothing.

A few more minutes of walking found himself in an abandoned street. Lining the sidewalk were numerous Dr. Smiths, all looking at him with detesting frowns. On the other side of the street was another Smith, though this one seemed different from the rest. Dall donned his shades and walked towards him.

"Ah, Mr. Narcis. Glad you could join us," said the Smith that had possessed Poerth's body. "We were expecting you with eager anticipation."

Dall frowned at the Doctor, then lifted his sword. "I'm here to stop you, and free everyone you've taken."

"Is that right?" Smith chuckled. "Well then, this is gonna be a hell of a fight then, won't it?"

The former Cretarian emperor didn't answer, choosing instead to fly towards the Doctor, his sword held back and ready for a swing. Smith grimaced, then leapt forwards, flying towards dall with his right fist drawn back. The two combatants rocketed towards each other, heedless of the massive downpour raining all around them. The other Doctors watched silently, seemingly uninterested in the outcome.

When he was within range, Dall swung his sword with all his might, aiming the blue blade at Smith's snarling face. To his surprise, the Doctor blocked the blade with his forarm, using his free arm to slam his fist against Dall's pretty face. The hapless emperor flew backwards and smashed into a nearby building.

"Ow!" cried the playboy as he pushed himself out of the debris. "You hit me! That hurt!" Tears fell heavily from his wide, shocked eyes. Unfortunately for all involved, no one had bothered to train "The One," so he had no fighting skills whatsoever.

"Oh well, so much for dramatic tension." Smith shrugged, then flew towards Dall, ready to inflict a killing blow.

"Mommy!" cried the pretty-boy weenie.

Up in her lab ship, Yume, who was watching the fight through her viewscreen, began cursing and throwing furniture around.

************************************************

The Guide ground its beak together when Ishiel and Afura were thrown at Millie's feet. Although the two priestesses had done well against the Doctor army earlier, the sheer number of Smiths attacking had managed to overwhelmed the two.

"Crap!" shouted Millie as she looked down at the two unconcious priestesses. "What do we do now?!"

"Well, you can pray," said one Smith as he stepped towards the two. "No guarantee that it'll do you any good, though."

"Oh please," said the Guide. "Save the villain speech. Don't you think I anticipated this? I exist in multiple dimensions, the mysteries of the universe are mere trifles to me, Gods weep at my coming. You are a mere annoyance in my ultimate omnipotent existance. You can not possibly stop me."

Smith raised an eyebrow, then smiled. "Oh I know. But in an hour's time, I won't have to."

The Guide twittered in confusion, its feathers obviously ruffled.

"You see, as we speak, several plot twists are making their way to fruition. For instance, below a nearby village is an ancient piece of technology that will eventually reactivate itself because of some foolish Bugrom, thereby wiping out all life within several hundred miles. Up in the sky above this very city, the Mouth of God and the Heckler of God are battling each other for supremacy; if they continue, the energy buildup from their battle of 'wits' shall crack this planet open like an egg. And the coup de grace, as one of my other selves has managed to take over the body of the goddess Peorth, the Yggdrassil system is sending an anti-virus screen to wipe it out. Unfortunately for them, since I also possess the body of the Doctor, who is symbiotically linked to his time craft, which itself is linked to both the Gallifreyan Matrix and the Eye of Harmony, the Yggdrassil program will infect these as well. The Time Lords, in order to protect themselves, will use their god-like weaponry to attack Yggdrassil, who will no doubt retaliate themselves. The massive show of force from both sides will undoubtedly erode the fabric of the multiverse, causing existance itself to vaporize into nothing. The End of All Things is upon us."

The Guide twittered on Millie's shoulder. "I... I forsaw this! Tweet! This is no surprise to me! Tweet!"

"Oh, of course," said Smith in a patronizing tone. "After all, it is inevitable."

************************************************

Makoto opened his eyes, only to find himself in a strange, unknown place. All around him were people, most of whom were milling about around a strange, multi-faced being who seemed to be grumbling to himself.

"It It is inevitable, he says says. Feh Feh Feh. What What a loser loser." Grumbled the Other.

"W-where am I?"

"Oh, hello." a young woman in a waitress uniform stepped up to Makoto and shook his hand. "Hi, I'm Tina. I know you must be in a bit of a shock, but it's okay. I'm here to help. You see, you were taken over by Dr. Smith, who really isn't himself at the moment, and so the Other brought you here so that your soul wouldn't die and stuff."

"Really?" Makoto looked around the vast artificial environment, slightly amazed at the number of people in there with him. "Wow, Smith must have taken over the whole city by the looks of the people in here. Where the heck are we, anyway?"

"In a mental containment unit used by the Other to house its collective conciousness, no doubt," said a voice. Its Scottish burr sounded increadibly familiar to Tina. To her surprise, a short man dressed in a beige suit and hat stepped out of the crowd.

"D-Doctor?!" she shouted.

"You You You!" hissed the Other. "But But how how?"

Makoto looked at the strange man in confusion. "Uh, who are you, again?"

The man smiled and doffed his hat. "Hallo, I'm the Doctor. The real one, I might add. This current one was just a prank I pulled, one that seems to have gotten away from me."

"Prank?" Makoto frowned. "That prank, as you call it, is taking over over the entire city!"

"I assure you, it was not my intention to let this menace loose upon your world." The Doctor sighed. "I came here in order to stop the mess that was being perpetrated against El-Hazard." The Time Lord looked up at the multi-faced Other, a deep frown crossing his features. "At first it was all harmless, wasn't it? A short little adventure, basic characters, nothing too complicated. Save the girl, save the world type of thing? But then you went a bit overboard, didn't you? Added in more characters, increased the tension by crossing over the universes, introducing situations so challenging that the heroes couldn't possibly solve the problems through their own means."

"Doctor, what are you talking about?" asked Tina.

"Ask them," he pointed his umbrella at the Other, whose multiple faces were frowning in unison. "The story got away from you then, didn't it? It got bloated, so full of diverging plot twists and characters and situations that an ending seemed all but impossible. That's why you wrote yourselves into it, isn't it? To control the action better. To fix the loose threads that all of you had created, to reign in the mess that all of you had made. By constructing a fictional identity for yourselves here in the story, you thought you could fix its problems by being in the story yourselves. Isn't that right, Other? Or should I call you, The Writers?"

"W-writers?" Makoto looked up at the Other, whose frowns seemed to grow deeper.

The Doctor continued. "But it proved a bit more difficult than you realized, didn't it? You had written yourselves into a corner, unable to get out. Your attempts at simplifying the story only made it more complicated, and all the various elements just continued to build up and escalate, until the very fabric of the fictional universe itself was in danger!" The Doctor stopped his rant, looking down at the ground in shame. "I did no better. In order to get close to you in order to stop you, I took it upon myself to bring in a cross-over character of my own. I wrote Smith in, only unfortunately, he seems to have gotten a will of his own."

"Everything Everything in this story seems to have done so so." muttered the Writers in annoyance.

"Wait!" Makoto strode up to the Doctor and grabbed him by the lapels. "You mean you're responsible for that maniac taking over people?!"

"I'm afraid so." The Doctor shrugged. "I knew that in order to stop the Other, I had to distract them. So I wrote Smith into the story. Thankfully, the Writers brought all who were affected by Smith here, to their mental holding cell. Since Smith had taken over my body, I was brought her as well."

"But then it's hopeless!" cried Makoto. "There's nothing we can do. The world is doomed!"

"Not quite." The Doctor smiled. "You see, my boy, you are still alive. As the main character of this little story, you hold the key to setting everything right."

"Me?" Makoto pointed to himself.

"It was hinted earlier that your future self would visit the Palace of Infinity," explained the Time Lord. "I'm not sure what this Palace is, but most likely it is where the climax of this story will take place. You must journey there and do whatever you can to stop the oncoming destruction. The solution must be there, it always is during the final chapters in stories such as this. As the main character, you will surley succeed."

"B-but I'm stuck here with you, without a body. What can I possibly do?"

The Doctor's grin seemed to grow even wider. "You forget, we are in a story. The Writers can write you to the Palace, making up a plausible explanation on how you got there, of course."

"That That is correct correct. Although Although this story has gotten a life of its own, and our powers have become limited because of it, we have enough control to do this one last thing thing."

"Very good." The Doctor turned to Makoto and patted his shoulder. "I know it's a lot to ask of you, but you have to succeed. The fate of the entire fictional multiverse is in your hands now. Good luck."

"Crap," muttered Makoto as he pissed his pants in fright.

The Doctor looked down at the mess the boy had made, then looked up at the Writers. "You just had to start that running gag again, didn't you?"

The Writers chuckled.