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Messages - Triple_R
47
« on: June 01, 2009, 11:38:06 pm »
Thanks for the largely positive review, Rowan! Just three short points... 1) Â I, myself, felt that I got the best handle of the Rohstarian/protagonist group in this chapter out of all eight of them. I'm glad that you agree with Fujisawa as being the most appropriate third member of the Kyon/Koizumi "let's reform Jinnai!" party. 2) I might in fact make this a full-fleged crossover with Lyrical Nanoha - with the Nanoha anime kind of making a cameo appearance in an El Hazard/Haruhi Suzumiya cross over, you could say. I always found it odd how the father of Precia Testarossa's daughter Alicia in the Lyrical Nanoha anime was completely absent. Beyond that, I always thought of El Hazard every time that Precia mentioned "Al Hazard" in the Lyrical Nanoha anime. Adding in a third anime of note, and adding it in a way that makes a couple pretty good anime antagonists (Galus and Precia Testarossa) seem a fair bit more interesting, makes the fanfic seem a bit grander in scale to me, which appeals to me. I'm still undecided here, however. 3) As for Haruhi and Jinnai... at this juncture, if it's not coming through that I'm slowly developing a serious romance between them (you can call it a crack-ship, if you like), then I'm not writing that aspect of their scenes well.  Either that, or the idea is too beyond the pale for anybody to take seriously, even after I've hinted at it quite a bit, I feel. If that's the case, then I really need to know that now, as shipping Haruhi and Jinnai is ultimately a big part of this fanfic, and I plan to have it picking up considerably in the next few chapters. My idea is that if you really like a guy or a girl, you might be a bit more forgiving of some of the strange or odd things that he or she says... and also that you'll have a natural inclination to see their words in a positive light. You certainly won't want to think the worst of someone that you like that way (Haruhi would hate to find out that Jinnai is a bloddy warlord at this point; Jinnai, likewise, would hate to find out that his perfect ally doesn't believe in literal war). Edit: Also, Jinnai really isn't misunderstanding Haruhi all that much at this point. Jinnai really does intend to try to get every civilian El Hazard human to join the SOS Brigade, and Jinnai now considers himself part of the SOS Brigade. Him and Haruhi really do share the same desired ends now - it's just that Jinnai's intended means (i.e. partly violent ones) aren't what Haruhi would like them to be or would even knowingly approve of, but then remember what Diva told Haruhi about how the Bugrom Queen doesn't overly concern herself with the means of the Supreme Commander...  I must admit, I'm impressed. Despite my dubiousness over the plan to split into two parties presented in the last chapter, you executed it incredibly well. Fujisawa makes great sense as Kyon and Koizumi's third party member, and you're probably right that he's the most likely of the entire gang to go along with Koizumi's improbable and risky gamble (and actually believe there's hope Jinnai can reform). I kind of feel sorry for Makoto who's forced to crossdress again because Alliele's tagging along with him and Nanami, though.
As for the new backstory featuring Gihren Zala, I both like and dislike it albeit more so the former than the latter. It goes a long ways towards making the Phantom Tribe more sympathetic and resolving the incongruity created by Nanoha's pseudo-crossover status, and it matches my own suspicions that there's more to the Human/Bugrom conflict than just Bugrom aggression. On the other hand, though, it goes so far as to almost BE a full-fledged crossover with Lyrical Nanoha rather than a homage which is kind of distracting not to mention a "bit out there" as you put it, and you could probably have gotten the same effect and pathos by having Galus' wife and daughter die. The reference to Gihren Zala seems a bit out of the blue too and may have worked better with more foreshadowing, but since it's a new development its sudden inclusion is understandable. And, above all else, you certainly answered my criticism about the Phantom Tribe.
The rest of the chapter was fairly good too. Mikuru continues to play a very Mikuru role and I don't know whether to pity her or look forward to the costumes Haruhi will indubitably create for her to wear to cheer the Bugrom on. Jinnai and Haruhi's continued misunderstanding of each other's intentions is beginning to seem farfetched, but then again and as you rightly pointed out both are the type of people who stubbornly cling to their own views of the world despite contrary evidence. And it appears that Haruhi is slowly beginning to suspect anyway.
Anyway, here's looking forward to the battle royale of Super Fujisawa, Esper Koizumi, and magnetic Kyon vs. the duo of Demon God Yuki and Phantom Assassin Nanoha.
 Â
49
« on: May 30, 2009, 07:28:42 pm »
Thanks for that awesome feedback, rowan! It's greatly appreciated, and I'm glad that you're finding the fanfic entertaining and enjoyable so far at least. A few general points and responses... 1. Prince Randorm, Nanoha Inverse, and the Saturn Brothers are all original characters (unlike, say, Sasuke, which is simply the name I gave to the tiny bugrom that used to fly around Diva's ear in the actual canon). In longer fanfics, I tend to like to throw in a few original characters unless I'm working with a property just stuffed with loads of good secondary/one-shot characters (the El Hazard OVA simply wasn't long enough to have that, imo). 2. I thought long and hard about SOS Man. I certainly understand your reservations - it's a substantial shift for Katsuhiko's character. Still... I think that the pros to the change outweighed the cons. In addition to the pros that you and Spanner mentioned, I also like how it helps to juxtapose Haruhi and Jinnai a bit - i.e. Haruhi becomes more Bugrom Empire by becoming Bugrom Queen while Jinnai becomes more SOS Brigade by becoming SOS Man. It helps bind them together in their new found friendship a bit more. I will say that Jinnai is not going to be talking constantly about truth, justice, and the bugrom way. I made his dialogue here a bit heavy in the Makoto fight/Groucho discussions to emphasize that, yes, SOS Man is effecting him psychologically - but with that accomplished now, most further SOS Man-esque dialogue will be subtle. Also, I may move him in and out of the SOS Man guise through out the fic. 3. I'm really glad you like my Alielle and Fatora work so much! I have been extra careful with their dialogue, I will admit. My thinking is that of everybody on the clear-cut protagonist side, they can most readily serve as "dynamic comedic relief", so that's where I've gone with them. Funny thing is that I'm not a big Alielle or Fatora fan myself - but they have distinctive personalities that lend themselves to good dialogue. 4. I hear your Shadow/Phantom Tribe comments loud and clear. I have to admit that in the El Hazard canon itself, I saw them as pretty straight-forward manipulative antagonists. Clever and shrewd, but not terribly interesting beyond their "incognito" status (which is largely gone for this fanfic, of course). Perhaps I'll rewatch some of their El Hazard OVA scenes to gain a greater appreciation for their characters. Maybe I'll include a special scene or two to give a touch more of a sympathetic flavor to Galus and Nahato. 5. I picked the name "Nanoha Inverse" for laughs, and to cast just that Nanoha/Lina fusion image you were referring to, I'll admit (well, that, and 'Nanoha' struck me as a good Shadow Tribe name given that they already have a 'Nahato'). But, yeah, I see your incongruency point. I'll try to address that in some way. 6. I'm basically writing Mikuru in-character, and using some naturally flowing comedic relief scenes for her. Truthfully, I'm not a big Mikuru fan myself - I see her as a very nice girl, but overly meek and prone to explosive crying or fright. 7. With Chapter 7 having a lot of exposition, I tried to fancy up the wording in a few places to keep it fresh and non-repetitive. Maybe I overdid it a bit. I'll try to keep dialogue a bit less detailed and technical in the future. 8. Thanks for the plausibility point. I'll seriously consider your Alielle-goes-with-Kyon/Koizumi suggestion. 9. I have a bit of a twist planned for the very end of the fanfic that will explain how Haruhi's SOS Brigade came to El Hazard. Explaining it now would ruin the surprise. Nice suggestion on your part, all the same. Well... again, thanks for the great review! I think I probably should reveal that I have major plot points for the fanfic planned out right to the finale now - allowing me to focus more on dialogue than deciding where to go next with the story. Heh, this story certainly continues to entertain. The line about Haruhi beginning to feel like a second character was incredibly amusing considering the context and everything she's dragged the SOS Brigade through, and Haruhi and Jinnai's interactions and continued convenient misinterpretation of each other's words are one of the highlights of the tale. The adventures of the other main characters are beginning to feel more interesting too, though that might be helped by your excellent work with Alliele and Fatora. Those two don't rank highly on my list of favorite El-Hazard characters, but you're doing such an utterly fantastic job with their dialogue that I've actually enjoyed their inclusion. Nanami's slight jealousy at Makoto's interest in Yuki was a nice touch too.
I'm still not entirely sure what to think of SOS Man. It's funny at the moment but could quickly grow old, and the image of Jinnai in a "superhero" costume is somewhat odd considering of all the Earthlings he's the one who's clung to the Shinonome school uniform the longest. It's given him some great lines, though, and seems to be edging him slightly towards a higher level of behavior which fits in with this "redemption" angle you've introduced. Koizumi's earlier musings on good and evil was a nice foreshadowing of this, and while Jinnai becoming a "good guy" of sorts is unlikely it isn't impossible since he does have some positive traits, and if TV Ifurita could have a good influence on him in The Wanderers it's certainly possible that Haruhi could have a similar effect here. And Jinnai is also crazy and petty enough that if someone convinces him that bringing peace to El-Hazard is the perfect way to one-up Makoto he might actually do it. ("Mwhagwaha! You might have saved the world once, Mizuhara, but I've saved it and ended thousands of years of war! Beat that! MwahahaHAHAHAHA! ) The fistfight between the two of them was well depicted too.
The scenes with Mikuru were all right. Her meekness bothered me, but that's an issue I have with the character herself and not your writing. And the mental image of her being chased by the lascivious duo of Fatora and Alliele was rather amusing. The Saturn brothers and Prince Randorm confused me a bit, though. I'm not sure whether they're supposed to be cameos or original characters.
Anyway, in addition to everything I've written above I want to reiterate that I'm enjoying reading this, but there are also a few criticisms I want to make. First, the scenes with the Phantom Tribe seem strikingly...well, bland compared to the other parts of the story. Nahato and Galus come across as rather one-dimensional and not in an amusing, over-the-top way, and their dialogue isn't terribly exciting either. There's a lack of dynamism where they're concerned that's in sharp contrast to the interactions between the other groups. As for Nanoha Inverse, I'm of two minds about her. When I first saw the name I thought of Nanoha Takamachi and Lina Inverse, and an amalgam between the two of them is a...bizarre mental image, to say the least, and while she seems to have been inspired in part by Lyrical Nanoha she also isn't acting at all like her namesake and that's causing a sense of incongruity for me. I'm really not sure what to make of her yet.
Also, much as I like your dialogue, it can be a bit wordy at times. For example, when you had Miz say, "Still...meeting up with Makoto and the others is a good idea. I'll place the three of us within a restorative air bubble within a ten foot tall steady stream of water. That stream will then carry us to wherever Makoto is!" I was left wondering if she'd actually say something like that. It sounds more like a detailed description that would fit better in the narrative than in a conversation. Â Something more like "Still...meeting up with Makoto and the others is a good idea. I'll place the three of us within a restorative air bubble and we can use that to reach Makoto," with the part about the ten foot tall steady stream of water included in the text rather than the quote might sound more natural. You don't need to explain and describe everything in conversation.
The next thing I want to add is more of a piece of advice than a criticism, but with the subplots beginning to converge try to be careful about executing the story in a plausible manner. As previously stated, going off the beaten characterization path every now and then is understandable, but go too far and it just seems unrealistic. For example, for Koizumi's plan to try to negotiate with Jinnai it seems that he thinks it would be best if he and Kyon went by themselves, but considering that those two are complete strangers in an alien world it seems highly unlikely to me that Fujisawa and Makoto (being the responsible adult and compassionate guy, respectively) would let them go alone. I'm not sure what your plans are, but it would probably make sense to throw either Alliele or someone else into their party as a guide.
Regardless, good job overall and I'm really impressed by the speed and length of your updates. Don't be afraid to take more time if you want it, though. I like the polished new chapters more than I dislike the wait between them.
Oh, and out of curiosity, have you explained yet how the SOS Brigade traveled to El-Hazard? I might've missed something while reading, but as far as I can tell you haven't shown how their trip to Shinonome High to investigate the ruins ended up teleporting them to another dimension. If you haven't already, you might want to mention what set this adventure in motion.
P.S. Nice picture, by the way. Please give my compliments to the artist.
50
« on: May 27, 2009, 10:02:48 pm »
Apologies for the lack of recent feedback on my part. I've been in the process for the past week of moving into my brother's house for the summer and starting an internship so I've been pretty preoccupied. I'll try to read the newest update and write some C&C soon, but in the meantime let me commend you on the trailer. The use of Haruhi's "ordinary" soliloquy followed by the far from ordinary Jinnai was well-timed and quite effective, and I really like the choice of music. It really is quite a good way to get pumped before reading this. Â I'm glad that you liked it! I'm glad you liked the Haruhi soliloquy followed by Jinnai laughing opening - I felt it made for a nice, dramatic opening that explained, in a nutshell, just why Haruhi was allying with Jinnai (not that she's fully aware of exactly what he's doing, mind you - not yet anyway). I wanted epic music for this (so Haruhi's music was out of the question), but I wanted something a bit less... classical/happy and upbeat than the various El Hazard opening scores. Hence, I used the musical score from the recent Batman movie. I eagerly look forward to your review of Chapters 4 through 7 (Edit: Chapter 7 just finished today)! No problem on the late review - I know how 'real life' can be taxing some times. A separate note - I've commissioned an artist over on DeviantArt to draw a Bugrom Queen Haruhi for me. Here's his sketch work thus far... Â http://oceansama.deviantart.com/art/Sample-for-GhostRoswell-123305305He said he should have this picture fully inked and colored in about a week and a half. 
52
« on: May 24, 2009, 03:05:45 pm »
I took a look at chapters four and five. I'm afraid this will likely be my last review for a while; I'm going on vacation starting next week, and won't have ready Internet access for much of that time.
Anyway these chapters introduced another stroke of fanfiction brilliance: SOS MAN! Again, it's so perfectly Haruhi for her to insist on such a thing, and so perfectly Jinnai for him to be so taken aback by it. I was intensely amused to see how he eventually settled into the role, though, and look forward to more amazing exploits of SOS Man!
Haruhi becoming Bugrom Queen was an interesting touch. (I presume that's the element that you meant when you said you had it planned all along, and it wasn't a "correction"?) It flowed very well, and it was an excellent explanation for Diva's composure at how enthusastic her Bugrom subjects were about Haruhi's transformation. Diva's revelation that there was more to the prophesy that she shared with Jinnai was an interesting touch. It's all too easy to believe that Diva would have kept the prophesy of the great setback from Jinnai when she saw how well he was doing.
I chuckled when Diva held Haruhi back from adventuring with Jinnai due to her new duties as Bugrom Queen. It seems that her new job is not all fun and adventure, as she thought it would be! I wonder how long Haruhi's enthusiasm will hold out once she learns she has to deal with a lot of boring stuff, too.
I'm also quite interested as to how seriously you're taking this Bugrom prophesy stuff. If it really is as accurate as you're making it out to be, does that mean that the Bugrom will eventually rise to glory? And if so, just what exactly will that mean for the Allied Nations?
Anyway, back to the Roshtarians. Fatora seems to be getting along with Kyon about as well as a person with her personality possibly could. The dynamics between these two presents an interesting take on Fatora that I don't think anyone previously has even attempted. Heck, the very idea of her even forming friendships seems a bit beyond the pale. From what we've seen of Fatora, she seems to divide the world population into four categories: Big Sister, Alielle, sexual conquests, and slaves. Unlike most folks in the slave category, she doesn't seem quite as inclined to treat Kyon like dirt. Maybe his submissive personality appeals to her? Kyon's sort of nervously half-hearted enthusasm about her chumminess is perfect as well.
I thought it was a little too convenient that Makoto correctly guessed so many things about Yuki just by a picture of her, but I suppose that's okay since Yuki's character design was pretty much created to emphasize those stereotypes - a cute, glasses-wearing geek girl to appeal to the sizable viewer demographic that goes for that kind of thing. It seems that Makoto himself is part of that demographic...
Fatora's and Alielle's gushing over the sexy pictures of Mikuri and Haruhi was to be expected. It seems a bit strange that Itsuki would choose such... provacative pictures to show to the group when he could have just showed them the normal pictures and left it at that. Then again, he's kind of a strange guy. It's probably best for the sake of Kyon's composure that there was no need for Itsuki to show of his undoubtedly large and embarrassing Kyon picture collection.
Something that I didn't really notice until the Bugrom's attack on the three priestesses was that you avoided a very common difficulty in fanfiction (and, indeed, even in the canon): you avoided bringing the whole friggin' cast along on the adventure! This is quite commendable, as a large cast is awkward and usually the reasons for them all tagging along are contrived or nonexistant. A group of seven is much more managable, and you were able to pay proper respect for the left-out cast through cameos like this one. Kudos!
And now, the Shadow Tribe. Unlike the Roshtarians' somewhat-hard-to-swallow powers of perception, the conclusions they drew about Haruhi were presented pretty logically. The reemergence of Galus as Mecha-Galus was a bit comic-booky, I'll admit, but this entire fanfiction is written in a distinctly comic-booky manner, with significant nouns and verbs italicized for no apparent reason. So it is, perhaps, forgivable.
I was a bit curious about Yuki's "powers of invisibility". Are those the powers she gained as a human travelling to El-Hazard? Does this mean that Yuki's human body qualified to grant her the power, even though her data reconfigured itself to demon god afterwards? Or are these invisibility powers something the Shadow Tribe gave her when the scientists were tinkering with her?
Yuki's amnesia is a good angle to take with her. Normally, she's a bit of a tough character to write since her reality-altering powers and her link to the Integrated Data Entity gives her so very much deus-ex-machina potential. With her knowledge of herself and others so limited, it gives a lot of leeway in granting her some interesting character development.
Lastly, it seems that you have something in the works with Mikuru and the impending visit of the Duroslandian noble. I'm curious to see how that plays out!
As you can see, I had very little to actually complain about this time - your writing is definitely shaping up! I leave you now with a typo to fix: "ring Kyon's neck" in Chapter 4 should be "wring Kyon's neck".
Thanks a lot, Spanner! I'm really glad you liked my SOS Man idea. And yes, Haruhi becoming Bugrom Queen was the element that I was refering to. I have to admit that I was a big comic book fan growing up - a Superman fan as you can probably guess. Â In fact, one of the reasons why I loved El Hazard is how it appealed to the comic book fan in me (Jinnai being like the perfect mixture of Lex Luthor and the Joker to me; Fujisawa being like a cool plains-clothes Superman; the Three Priestesses and Ifurita having costumes like what a Justice League member would wear). I've tried to add some nice little touches from other shows that I like (Char Aznable's helmet, SOS Man, Mecha-Galus, Nanoha Inverse and her Raging Heart sniping rifle). One thing I should point out - I'm writing this with the idea being to convey English dub voices to the audience - for example, Bob Marx and Wendee Lee in the case of Jinnai and Haruhi. All of the added emphasis I put on their lines coincides with how I imagine Bob Marx and Wendee Lee themselves to emphasize certain parts of lines if they were playing this out as a script. The fanfic hence might sound a bit off for more sub-centric fans. Thanks for really appreciating all the little touches - particularly my handling of group numbers and cameos. My view is that seven characters (all on the same side) actively talking to one another is enough - more than that, and somebody gets lost in the crowd. I'm glad you like the Fatora/Kyon friendship of sorts and their contest over Mikuru. I tend to see Fatora and Kyon the way you do, and hence I think that they'd naturally find each other comfortable. I also appreciate the typo correction. Well... I hope that you have a good vacation! By the time you get back, I might have a few more chapters done. Â You've given me enough great reviews that I have a good idea of where to go from here - you approving of SOS Man was particularly important, actually.
53
« on: May 21, 2009, 08:49:27 pm »
Spanner and rowan - Thanks a lot! Spanner - your critique over how I tried to fix my issue with the schools was simply hilarious!  I laughed loudly from reading your great and funny take on it. I see your point - refinement over correction. With that in mind, I went back and altered secordias to a smaller distance in order to make the geography work in Chapter 4 (i.e. searching for Mikuru 10 miles from the spatial anomaly makes sense - not so much with 200 miles though   Don't think Mikuru can walk 200 miles in a day). I point this out to you because you're too sharp to miss it.  Now, just before you point it out - I did go somewhere in Chapter 4 that may make it seem like I was responding to one of your suggestions/corrections, but please believe me when I say that I had it planned out from the beginning. You'll probably guess what I'm referring to here once you read Chapter 4. Anyway, thanks again for your great advice. It's made me pay a bit more careful attention to continuity and people making sensible in-character decisions. Rowan - I'm glad you liked the irony on the "God is on my side!" line. It was indeed intended to have that affect. I'm going to go ahead and explain why I gave Kyon magnetic powers. Kyon tends to attract all sorts of wonderment and trouble in his own anime - ergo, giving him magnetic powers seemed appropriate given his nature here.   Excellent observations on Haruhi in general - you're getting exactly where I'm going with her there. Your review hits it on the money, too - I feel pretty much the same way; every now and then a desired plot movement/character reaction requires me to go just a touch off of the broken characterization path, but I think that it'll be worth it in the long run. I understand your point with the Bugrom. I kind of wanted to give a grander sense of what Jinnai is to the Bugrom to emphasize its impact on Haruhi.  Also, I'm setting up Haruhi as the main point of reference (aside from Kyon the Narrator) for the story. Hence, we start hearing the Bugrom translated once Haruhi does.  Also, Groucho has a very important role to play later on that requires translation. I've already planned an important scene with him - but that's all I'll say or I'll spoil it too much. Well, chapters 4 and 5 are now up!: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068&page=2I look forward to knowing what you and Spanner think of it! One question by the way - is my writing pace for this good so far, you think? Am I going too fast, too slow, or just right? Is it a good pace to be reading it at (a 12 to 16 computer pages chapter once every few days)?
54
« on: May 18, 2009, 08:54:20 pm »
And Chapter 3 is complete! : http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068Just scroll down to where "Chapter 3 - The First Night of Haruhi Suzumiya" begins. Big thanks to Spanner for really inspiring me with the earlier constructive criticism. It gave me a lot of great ideas for the protagonist scenes!
55
« on: May 18, 2009, 01:45:49 pm »
Ok... that's a nice lengthy reply! Thank you for it. Give me a second to respond to it all. Â
All right! I checked out chapter two. The interactions between Jinnai and Haruhi continue to be quite hilarious. Two individuals with a remarkable talent for hearing only what they want to hear... pair them off, and watch them come to some amazing conclusions! I thought that Groucho's... attraction to Haruhi was a bit weird at first - but then again, given that Queen Diva is a rather sexy babe herself, it's certainly possible that Bugrom tastes in females may run in that direction.
Well, in Alternate World, Groucho commented to Jinnai that he was glad that Jinnai was "slender" again. I personally took that to mean that Groucho has some appreciation for the human form. In the case of Jinnai, it's simply being happy that his boss and buddy is back in good shape - maybe with a female human, this appreciation can go a bit father. That, and having an alien liking Haruhi simply opens up more avenues for humor and exploring Haruhi's obsession with aliens. However, I'm not yet decided yet how far I'll go with that - it's not likely I'll make it all that serious; more like light touches here on out.
The interactions with the Roshtaria crowd were a bit weaker, I'm afraid. I was a little confused as to why Kyon and Itsuki were asking about things like schools and sightseeing, as though they were visiting tourists. One would think that their priority would be to locate their missing members! Kyon would be especially worried about Mikuru, since he tends to regard her as a very fragile and delicate girl.
In retrospect, I probably should have had them asking the Three Priestesses about their missing members right off the bat. Still, I had them ask about schools and sightseeing, in part, to show that they're "trying to get the lay of the land", in order to better prepare themselves for the searching that they have to do coming ahead. This struck me as something Kyon and Koizumi would want to do before rushing headlong into a search - going back to your own Kyon being the cautious and prepared one point that you made. Â
Speaking of Mikuru, Nanami's mentioning her experience as a waitress and how that fate might have befallen one of their companions seemed WAY too convenient. Given how randomly the group was scattered, it's quite a leap of deduction to guess that anyone else would have landed in the desert, let alone that they'd wind up working as a waitress. If you meant that as a plot hook to give our heroes someplace to start looking... well, I feel it could have been done better.
My thinking with Nanami is that she's the cautious and prudent, but also somewhat cynical, one. Sort of a "Murphy's Law" character that's always preparing for the worst. Since she would consider what befell herself to be pretty bad, I could see her pointing out to the other humans from back home that the same thing may have befallen their friends.
On the topic of sightseeing... You seemed to be a little overcautious in adding your own touches to the world of El-Hazard. It's strange to assume, for instance, that the Roshtarian Acadamy is the only school in El-Hazard! When Kyon asked about places of learning, Dr. Schtalubaugh should have been able to rattle off several, even if none are quite as majestic as the Academy. The Alliance is made of many allied nations, and surely they don't all send every student to Roshtaria to learn!
It actually made me chuckle, too, when the Priestesses referred to their own Alma Mater as "that place where we priestesses go to train". If you don't have a name, make one up! El-Hazard is a huge and wonderful place, and the OAV only touched on a scant handful of the continent. Don't be afraid to make up your own places of interest, or to fill out details that the OAV left out. Go beyond just the people and places mentioned in the show!
Ok... I see what you're saying here. I was a bit worried that I'd mess up a place name, or contradict a piece of canon, that I had forgotten. Also, I wanted to "feed Kyon's snarkiness" - give him things to get legitimately displeased with, so to speak (another reviewer on a separate board felt that I didn't display his snarkiness enough in Chapter 1). Still, I'll try to be more imaginative in the future. Â
It seems a little strange that the Roshtarian group hasn't asked about any strange powers that Kyon and Itsuki might have developed.
Don't worry. I'll be getting to that. It'll be discussed on the plane ride (is there a name for that flying/sailing vessel that was used in the anime, by the way? - if not, I probably should invent one) towards Durasland. To date, every Earthling that's come to El-Hazard has recieved a special power of some kind. While it doesn't necessarily follow that the Haruhi group will also get powers (they came to El-Hazard in a different manner than Makoto's group, after all), the Roshtarians should certainly suspect that such powers could exist! Good point.
It was nice to see Fatora and Alielle introduced to the group. It was particularly interesting to see that Kyon seems to have taken a shine to her, in spite of her misandronistic ways (I guess Kyon is so used to being abused by domineering women that Fatora doesn't seem so bad in retrospect). I kind of hope to see this develop further - though it's kind of hard to imagine Fatora actually warming up to Kyon. I shudder to imagine what will happen once Fatora meets Mikuru... Poor Mikuru!
As for the close of the chapter, in which the Shadow Tribemen get their hands on Yuki, whose data has been reconfigured to resemble a Demon God's... I'm cautiously optimistic. It's potentially an interesting twist, but there are many ways it could be poorly handled. Try not to have Yuki's new role too closely match Ifurita's!
I'll keep that in mind.
All in all, another great chapter! Your primary weakness seems to be in handling the good guys, as I haven't really found any flaws with the sections dealing with the Bugrom or the Shadow Tribe. I don't know if it's because you have a better feel for the villians, or if those are the sections that you simply enjoy writing more (making the good guy sections a "necessary evil", in a way).
You're very perceptive - it's pretty much both those things, for me. Haruhi and the El Hazard villains are character types that I actually find easy to write. The protagonists are a bit trickier because they don't lend themselves to the sort of over-the-top dialogue and drama that Haruhi and the El Hazard villains lend themselves to (and which I enjoy writing). So... I have to admit that I've been playing it safe with the protagonist parts; just trying to get the characterization right so it doesn't take away from the broader fanfic, but basically letting Haruhi/Jinnai carry the fanfic. I'll be more adventurous with the protagonists in the future, though - I think I've done an Ok job with their characterization so far, so hopefully I can afford to experiment a bit more with them the rest of the way. You also seem to be a bit timid in developing and expanding the world of El-Hazard, and stick too closely to the people and places referenced in the show. Once you shore up those deficiencies this will be a solid piece of fanfiction. Ok, I'll keep that all in mind. I should have Chapter 3 sometime between this evening, and Wednesday - I hope you like it! Thanks for following the fic so far, and also thanks for the feedback. It's been very helpful.
56
« on: May 15, 2009, 07:15:43 pm »
Greetings! Nice to meet you.
El Hazard has two separate continuities.
In order of release, the OVA continuity came first.
So, that's...
The Original 7-episode El Hazard the Magnificent World OVA
The Second 4-episode El Hazard OVA (the Kalia OVA, I call it for short)
The Third 13-episode El Hazard OVA, known as "the Alternate World"
In this chronological order, these 24 episodes make up one continuity.
Then, there's the entirely separate El Hazard: The Wanderers continuity, which I think lasted 26 episodes.
To the best of my knowledge, that's the only El Hazard anime that is out there.
57
« on: May 14, 2009, 09:15:43 pm »
Rowan - Thanks a lot! Haruhi Suzumiya is my favorite character from her own anime, and Katsuhiko Jinnai is my favorite El Hazard character... so the scenes with both of them in it will probably be my best work. It's certainly the scenes I enjoy writing the most. Here's an update!: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068Just scroll down to where "Chapter 2 - The Alliance of Haruhi Suzumiya" begins.
58
« on: May 13, 2009, 01:25:02 pm »
Spanner - Thanks for the feedback! "Slice of life"/comedy moments is a weakness of mine that I Â have to work on a bit - hence the recycled humor. Maybe I'll get better at that over time - thankfully the Haruhi/Groucho scene came across as funny at least; I'm glad that you enjoyed it!
I'll keep the criticisms in mind, especially as far as Kyon is concerned. I'll put up another link to the story here after I update - I hope to have the next Chapter done sometime this weekend.
59
« on: May 11, 2009, 07:47:23 pm »
I recently started writing a fanfic called "The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya". It combines the two awesome animes of the same name (El Hazard and the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya)! Chapter 1 is here: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068I'd love to know what my fellow El Hazard fans think of it so far!
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