El-Hazard Round Robin

[rowan_a._seven]

Following and destroying the Holy Mountains of God and then heading south down the Alliance side of the Holy River of God, devastating the armies and defenses of the human nations in its path, the Panda of God pedaled its giant Unicycle of Death to the coastline of Gannan.  There, as if driven by some innate instinct, it dismounted from its terrifying mode of transportation and stood cutely at attention, waiting for something unknown.

The Panda of God didn't wait for long.

It started slowly at first.  On the horizon a disturbance in the water was spotted, as if something incredibly large and powerful was walking through it and churning the ocean as it progressed.  Unerringly heading for the ancient weapon, this agitation traveled past the fleeing ships, capsizing them and spreading terror throughout Gannan's navy.  Finally, inevitably, it rose out of the water revealing a nightmarish creature of legend.  Begotten by the destructive science of the War of the Ancients, this black-scaled beast was nature's vengeance upon mankind for the death and carnage they'd spread across the planet.

Godzilla the nuclear dragon, king of the monsters, had awoken.

"ROAR!!!" the reptilian leviathan shouted in challenge, glaring at the Panda of God with cold, spiteful eyes.

"RRROOOOORRRRFFF!" the Panda of God replied eagerly, pleased to at last have a worthy opponent.  

With these animalistic exchanges made, the clash of the titans began.

******

It was Princess Myuun of the Kingdom of Baron's birthday.  Consequently, the leaders of all the nations of the Alliance, with the exception of the Roshtarian royalty, were in Baron paying their respects and well wishes to the princess.  The Roshtarians were excluded for one reason: Fatora.  Princess Myuun was an extraordinarily attractive young woman.  Lovely skin, lustrous midnight black hair, attractive curves, beautiful lips, and amazingly *cough* well-endowed, her only arguable physical fault was that her red eyes made her look devious and evil.  Anyway, the last time Myuun had invited Princess Fatora to one of her birthday parties, Fatora had sent a present to the Baron princess' private chambers.  Curious, Myuun had opened it and was immensely surprised when Fatora popped out and...well, let's just say that Princess Fatora was no longer welcome in Baron after that day.

Regardless, with everything that was going on in the world around them, the leaders of the Alliance present decided to call a meeting to discuss what they should do.  As home monarch, Princess Myuun had the honor of being allowed to speak first.

"The Eye of God has been destroyed, ancient weapons plague the land, devastation and destruction run rampant, and the Bugrom Empire is preparing to launch a new invasion.  As one concerned for the welfare of my people, I propose we surrender."

Gasps and exclamations of shock met this announcement.  Waving aside criticisms, denouncements, and questions, Myuun continued on.

"My fellow rulers, hear me out.  Though what I suggest may sound cowardly, what other options do we have?  Current estimates put the Alliance's current loss of military power at over 50%, and we still haven't fully recovered from the last conflict.  Against the might of the Bugrom Empire, there are only two conceivable outcomes.  In the first, they conquer the entire world.  In the second, they conquer the entire world with the exception of Roshtaria whose heroes manage to defeat them at the very last minute.  Either way, _our_ countries will be overrun, our cities destroyed, and our people slaughtered.  Resist or surrender, it will make little difference in the larger scheme of things except for where lives are concerned, and this is what I view as being most important.  Princess Rune Venus of Roshtaria is just and fair-minded and will easily forgive us if we surrender to save the lives of our countrymen if, through some miracle, the Bugrom Empire is pushed back, but if they aren't we will have saved the lives of countless many."

Uncertain grumbling met this speech.

Sighing, Princess Myuun pulled out her trump card.  "On another note, just how many of us can afford to rebuild our kingdoms yet again if they're destroyed by the Bugrom Empire?"

Princess Myuun's proposal was soon adopted unanimously.

******

The mechanical monstrosity and the king of monsters battled back and forth.  Bouncing balls of energy were batted back at the Panda of God by Godzilla's tail and juggled.  Radioactive fire was deflected by resilient armor.  Claw met paw and muzzle fangs.  Both ancient creatures fought with their all, refusing to show any signs of weakness and inferiority.  Still, as the battle dragged on, it became apparent that Godzilla was in trouble.  Powerful as he was, the leviathan was still a creature of flesh and blood.  The Panda of God, on the other hand, was tireless.  

Disengaging for a moment to survey his opponent, Godzilla's cold, primal intellect desperately searched for a weakness.  Seeing none, his rage grew and energy crackled down his spines.  The Panda of God, though, was unconcerned by this build-up of power.  It knew its armor could handle it.

"HYPER FUJISAWA KICK!!!"

Like a shooting star, the up-till-now unnoticed Mr. Fujisawa launched himself at the destroyer of mountains with such force that he traveled straight through the Panda of God, leaving a massive hole in its armor behind him.  Godzilla, seeing his chance, released a mighty bout of golden radioactive fire, completely annihilating his enemy's internal circuitry and melting the metals it was composed of.  

"Rrrooooorrrrfff," the Panda of God growled sadly one last time, eyes dimming at its mechanical but incredibly cute life came to an end.

Godzilla and Mr. Fujisawa turned to regard one another.  Smiling, the teacher gave Godzilla a thumbs up.  Almost appearing amused, the nuclear dragon inclined its head gratefully to the human and then returned to the ocean, secure in his dominance once again and releasing a mighty roar of triumph.

"ROAR!!!"

"The honor of Shinonome has been maintained.  Now I just need to find a grocery store," Mr. Fujisawa remarked to himself, looking around at the devastated land and wondering where he could possibly locate a market that hadn't been destroyed.

******

Despite internal tensions within the leadership, the Bugrom army was soon arranged in its full splendor and might at the edge of the Holy River of God, waiting for the order to cross.  The Demon God Jinnai, smirking confidently, was just about to give the command when a messenger bird arrived and presented him with a letter that read as follows:

We, the nations of the Alliance (minus Roshtaria), do formally surrender to the Bugrom Empire in order to preserve the lives of our subjects.  We agree to recognize Queen Diva as our new sovereign and be reasonably obedient to our new leaders.  However, if the glorious Bugrom Empire is defeated at the very last minute for whatever reasons, this notice of surrender shall be rescinded and considered invalid.  Have a nice day.

           Sincerely,
           The Leaders of the Alliance (minus Princess Rune Venus)


***

Note:  I based Myuun's appearance off of Myuun from the radio drama.

[MrWhat]

OOC:  Aaugh!  Make it stop!  


Jinnai found that his occupation of the Alliance countries (less Roshtaria) was not going nearly as well as he had expected.

He found himself yelling at his elite Bugrom troops, his badly-limited patience long, long since exhausted.  "Look!!  We all know Gannan was rebuilding its weapons of mass destruction!!  But now, you're telling me that you can't find anything except a couple of weather balloons!?"

"Um, Katsy-Watsy?" said Ifurina timidly.  "You just blew up all their ultimate weapons yourself.  Remember?"

"And this!!"  Jinnai held up the latest issue of the Gannan Gazette.  "The Alliance countries (less Roshtaria) are whining, just because we didn't offer competitive bidding on construction contracts!   They're even threatening to investigate the Bugrom Empire's supposed links to Jinnai-Burton, Inc., and-- OUCH!!"

The mighty Lord God, demon god, and God-in-his-own-mind looked down, to find a small girl had just kicked him in the shin.  The small child made the official sign of the Gannan underground resistance-- pulling at one eyelid and sticking out her tongue-- before scampering away.

The fight suddenly went out of Jinnai.  He hung his head, and held his impossibly handsome bishounen face in his hands.  Deva and Ifurina glanced at each other.  With an unspoken agreement to suspend their really creepy feud over Jinnai, they both came to his side to comfort him.

"It's just not fair!" Jinnai said sadly.  "If only the media would report some of the good things that we've done!..."


Shayla stood within the royal gardens, looking to the darkened horizon.

Another apocalyptic battle was nigh.  And it was really annoying her.

She had just got a postcard from Afura.  The frazzled great priestess of wind had checked herself into a distant sea-side sanitarium and spa.  She was now enjoying plenty of rest, delicious yet healthy meals, lots of good books to read, and even the occasional mud bath.

Meanwhile, Shayla was stuck in Floristica with that drip of a water priestess, waiting for the latest war to end all wars.  Why, she was even going to miss the weekend sale at the Barage Market.

And when someone walked up behind her, she made no attempt to even pretend to be polite.  "Yeah?  Whad'ya want?"

She turned, and saw two Princess Fatoras.

Shayla growled.  "Alright, Fatora.  Makoto.  I don't know what you two are playing at, but--"

She froze, as she saw Makoto walk past her, with Dr. Schtalubaugh, apparently on some urgent errand.

She turned back to Gatora and Hatora.  Her mouth fell open.  "Guh-- nuh-- uh--"

And then, Fatora and Alielle walked up.  "Hey, Shayla," said Fatora.  "I see you've met the Wonder Twins.  Cute, ain't they."

Shayla clutched at herself desperately, and began to shiver.  She clenched her teeth, and stared blankly into space.  "No.  Oh no.  Please.  No.  No!  NO!!"

The three Fatoras advanced on her, smiling cheerfully and holding out their hands.  They spoke in perfect unison.  "Here, Shayla.  Let me help you."

Shayla raised her face to the sky, took a deep breath, and screamed like the lost and wandering spirit of a hapless South American immigrant construction worker with a sexy wife and adorable son from an experimental quack TV anime series recently released on Region 1 DVDs that, overall, wasn't nearly as good as everyone said it was.


NOOOOO!!


The Princess Rune Venus stood at her beloved balcony and gazed, with infinite sadness, across the last free lands in all of known El-Hazard.

She clutched at a crumpled copy of the Alliance leaders' (less her own royal self) letter.  It was stained with her own sweet tears-- but now, she had no tears left to weep for her world.

Rune was just and fair-minded, and she easily forgave them all for surrendering to save the lives of their countrymen.  But now?...

Her profound despair threatened to unbalance her mind.  She leaned over her balcony railing, and looked down to the hard unyielding earth far below her.  Better I should die now, she suddenly thought, than to live to see--

"*ahem*  Milady?"

"YEEEK!!"  Rune shrieked as she jumped in surprise, lost her balance, and toppled over the railing.


Londs awkwardly pulled a gasping Rune back over the railing.  He had grabbed her by an ankle, just in time.

"A thousand apologies, Milady," he said, bowing deeply.  "I did not intend to startle you so."

Rune glared at him as she tried to calm herself.  "Would you please shuffle your feet, or whistle, or something, from now on!?  What do you want, anyway?"

Londs smiled in a way that unnerved his beloved princess.  "It pleases me greatly to inform you that, with the aid of our own Dr. Schtalubaugh and Makoto Mizuhara, I have devised a cunning plan..."

Rune whimpered.  "Oh no!  What have you done now!?"


With some male embarrassment, Londs had pulled Rune through her closet of feminine unmentionables.  He then led her down the "Emergency Palace Escape Route Containing Spare Clothes And Also A Toilet," and through a ancient-robot-and-dolphin-bear-filled cave shortcut, coming at last to the mysterious chamber now known to Rune as the dreaded Demon God Factory.

"As you know," Londs said, falling into exposition mode again, "I gave the Great Lamp of Earth to Ishiel Soel, former Phantom Tribe spy, etc., etc., in the hopes that she would turn it against the demon god Jinnai.  She failed to do this.  Instead, she destroyed the Eye of God, which screwed practically everybody over.

"With the Great Lamp of Earth lost to us, the Eye of God destroyed, and all other known ultimate weapons mysteriously blown up recently as well, Roshtaria is fresh out of trump cards.  So... we shall create a new one.

"The madman Jinnai seized the last power-key-staff produced by the dreaded Demon God Factory... but with the vahste knowledge of Dr. Schtalubaugh, and the unique trans-dimensional abilities of Makoto Mizuhara... well, see for yourself."

Rune gasped as she entered the mysterious chamber.  She saw that the dreaded Demon God Factory had come alive with dark energies.  Another power-key-staff stood within it, ready to work its nanotechnological magic.

Londs looked to Rune meaningfully.  She gasped again.  "You're not suggesting that I take the power-key-staff!?"

"No, no," Londs said.  "Your gentle and forgiving nature would make for a rather useless pacifist demon god.  No, in order to defeat the demon god Jinnai, we need someone with an unquenchable thirst for violence, for vengeance, for... blood."

Rune blinked.  "Oh."

Then Rune got the picture.  "Oh."

And then, Rune's face went pale.  "OH NO!!" she pleaded tearfully.  "NOT THAT!!  ANYTHING BUT THAT!!"

Makoto and Schtalubaugh had just brought Nanami in.

Nanami was obviously not having one of her better days. As Schtalubaugh worked to undo her straitjacket, Makoto held her face in his hands, and spoke slowly and clearly.  "Nanami?  Can you hear me?...  You've been a very good girl, Nanami.  A very good girl, indeed.  Why, you haven't dismembered anyone for a whole two days, now.

"Good little girls deserve presents.  So we're going to give you a present, Nanami.  We're going to give you that nice big sta-- er, axe over there.  All you have to do is go grab it."

Nanami blinked, and looked to the staff, and giggled.  She seemed to come out of her stupor at the sight of the axe-like staff.  "OOH!!  PRETTY!!"

"Right, that's it," Rune said, as Nanami stumbled towards the staff, with arms outstretched.  "End-of-the-world party.  My balcony.  Fifteen minutes.  You're all invited...

"Especially you, Makoto."  Rune shot a desperate 'we're all going to die anyway so why not' hot lustful glance at him, for the first time since Reply #36.  Makoto gulped.

Rune turned to leave, but stopped and turned back.  "Oh, and Londs?  Be a dear, and bring plenty of wine.  We're all going to die horrible deaths very very soon, and I wish to leave this world well and truly hammered."

[Lord God Jinnai]

"Pretty... axe..." said a dreamy-eyed albeit psychotic Nanami as she staggered towards the Power Key Staff (#2). Her tentative hands reached forwards slowly, as if afraid to grasp the beautifully ornate instrument. The moment her fingers touched the metal of the staff, a bright flare of pink light erupted from its orbs, all but blinding everyone in the room. Rose-scented petals fell from the air, seemingly appearing from out of nowhere. A catchy, cute pop-themesong began playing, the lyrics of which included words such as bubblegum, love majestic, and beaning to the beat.

"Huh?" Rune Venus staggered backwards, almost choking as she inhaled a cherry blossom.

Nanami's clothes vanished in the bright pink light, and she began to twirl around, forming sparkles and bubbles and other cutesy pink things. New clothes, cuter clothes, quickly enshrouded her form. Her hair became shinier and pink, her eyes more massive than humanly possible.

After a few more twirls, which were in tune to the beat of the pop music, the pink haze vanished and everyone beheld the new Nanami Jinnai.

"Evil doers of the world!" shouted Nanami for no reason. She made it a point to point at everything. "I have come to silence you! I, PRETTY MAGICAL GOD NANAMI, will bring peace and love to all who live!" She twirled her key staff, which was now a short, plastic-looking magical wand saff. It was very toyetic.

Everyone in the room looked to Londs, as he seemed to be the source of much answers through lengthy exposition. Unfortunately, the advisor merely returned their confused look and shrugged. "Hey, don't look at me. I don't have any idea what the fuck's goin on, either."

"With Love and Justice on my side, I shall punish all EVIL!" Nanami smiled brightly. She then skipped out of the Demon God factory, intent on searching out and vanquishing evil.

"Oh well," sighed Dr. Schtallabaugh, "back to the drawing board."

[Spanner]

PRETTY MAGICAL GOD NANAMI soared the skies outside of Floristica, looking for trouble. Trouble soon became apparent in a sizable Bugrom army, and she moved to intercept. "I won't let you harm the innocent people of this city!" she cried. "In the name of Roshtaria, I will... erg..."

Like a fluffy pink comet, Nanami plummeted from the sky to grind a sizable trench into the soft earth with her face. There she remained, perfectly still.

After a few minutes, the head of a very shiny pink axe poked out of thin air, slicing downwards through the empty space to imbed itself in the ground, leaving a trail of distorted energy in it's wake. *CHINK!* A pink-haired head poked through and looked around with wide, adorably cute eyes. They focused on the figure and their owner sighed deeply.

The owner of the head emerged from the fissure in the air, revealing herself to be - PRETTY MAGICAL GOD NANAMI! Well, almost. The frilly pink dress had been trimmed into an almost scandalous mini-skirt, the blouse had been replaced by a daring, midriff-baring haltertop, and she was wearing elbow-length gloves. It was all still very pink... but now was a sort of BADASS kinda pink... Most notably, of course, the tiny, cutesy, pink, plasticky wand had become a much larger, cutesy, pink, plasticky battle axe.

"Those morons," the newcomer muttered. "I can't believe that they made a Demon God and forgot to wind her up. What if my stupid brother had gotten ahold of her? Oh well," she grinned. "That's why I'm here!"

The newcomer strode over, snagged Nanami's Power Key Baton, and snapped it into place. Humming pleasantly to herself, she proceeded to wind the defunct Demon God up.

Soon, PRETTY MAGICAL GOD NANAMI had awakened! "Ooh, what happened?" she asked, in a daze. "Master?" she asked, getting a look at the holder of her staff. "Hey, you're... me?"

"That's right!" the other Nanami replied gleefully. "I'm your master! And since I'm you, that means you're your master, understand?"

There were a few seconds of silence.

"No," Nanami answered simply.

"Don't think too hard about it," the other Nanami responded, clapping a hand on her counterpart's shoulder. "Confused the hell out of me, too, at first, but your battle computers understand."

"Oh..." Then Nanami brightened. "But you're a Defender of Justice, like me, right?"

"I can't believe I had to go through this phase," the other Nanami grumbled under her breath. Still, she smiled and answered, "Well, let me put it this way. It's my mission to make sure that everyone gets what's coming to them, okay? And that's your mission, as well."

"Oh, how wonderful!" PRETTY MAGICAL GOD NANAMI replied, clapping her hands together joyfully.

The other Nanami's smile twitched. "Just hold onto that thought. Well, my work here's almost done. I just have one other thing to show you."

"Is it a technique for battling evil?" PRETTY MAGICAL GOD NANAMI asked hopefully.

Nanami paused a moment, and then grinned. "Sure, you can think of it that way! Now watch carefully - I'm going to show you how to cut a doorway through time and space! Ready?" The other nodded eagerly.

*CHINK!* the other Nanami's pink axe buried itself in the ground, carving another rift in midair.

"Wow, where did you learn that?" PRETTY MAGICAL GOD NANAMI asked.

"I taught me," the other Nanami shrugged. "Just like I'm teaching you. And just like you'll teach you."

PRETTY MAGICAL GOD NANAMI just blinked.

The other Nanami sighed deeply. "Don't strain your brain. Oh, and one more thing." Nanami strode over and smacked her cuter version upside the head.

"Ow!" she proclaimed. "What was that for?"

"For being a twit," Nanami responded drily.

"Huh?"

"Don't worry. It'll make PERFECT sense to you later. I guarantee it. Now, go run along and smite evil, or whatever the hell it is you want to do right now. I've got some of my OWN justice to administer back where I come from. Ta ta!" the other Nanami stepped through the rift in the air, and it closed behind her.

PRETTY MAGICAL GOD NANAMI thought to herself for a few moments. "Such a cool move deserves a proper name!" She studied her Power Key Baton and then held it in the air. "Pretty Nanami Portal!" she cried, slicing down through the air with the Baton. Since it was so much shorter than the other Nanami's Power Key Axe, she had to bend way over to make a rift large enough to pass through. "I'll have to see if I can fix that sometime," she thought to herself. "But for now, I have evil to fight!"

She slipped through the tear in space-time, and emerged right in the middle of...

[MrWhat]

She slipped through the tear in space-time, and emerged right in the middle of...

...a familiar schoolyard, in a familiar city, on a familiar planet.

"Oh, nut bunnies!" the newly-minted and frankly-not-too-bright PRETTY MAGICAL GOD said to herself.  "I seem to have completely overshot El-Hazard, by about ten thousand years and one full dimension.  Still, it's a beautiful sunrise-- OOF!!"

The next thing she knew, she was lying on the ground, glomped by a pale, tearful, and dying OVA-Ifurita.

Ifurita somehow found the strength to stand again.  "Oh dear.  I am sorry.  I thought you were someone else.  I am sorry to have bothered you.  I shall go back to my fence to die now."

Nanami smiled.  "Oh!  Would you like to go back to El-Hazard now, Ifurita?  Would you like to be recharged so you don't die, and be reunited with your soul-mate Makoto, and live happily ever after right now?  Huh?  Huh?  Would you?  Huh?"

"Yes, please," said Ifurita, with remarkable restraint.

"'Kay!  Hang on tight!  Pretty Nanami Portal!"

Ifurita raised an eyebrow as they disappeared from Shinonome High School.  "You are... Nanami?  You have... um... changed..."

The PRETTY MAGICAL GOD's second portal returned her and Ifurita to El-Hazard.  But now, they found themselves...

[rowan_a._seven]

...face to face with a young girl with long blonde hair and devious red eyes.  Wearing purple leather, heeled boots that went past her knees; purple leather gloves that went up to her elbows; a scanty purple leather one-piece outfit that looked somewhat like a cross between a french maid's uniform and a bathing suit which would've been incredibly daring and sensual had the wearer not had the body of a 4th grader; and a purple hat with a red rose affixed to it and at least a two foot white feather sticking out of it.  In her left hand this stranger held a white baton that looked like a hybrid between a cane and boomerang.  A purple bird was perched on her right shoulder.

"Who are you?" Pretty Magical God Nanami asked cheerfully.  

The young girl smirked and twirled her baton.  In a second it had magically transformed into a microphone, and music started playing from somewhere.  The stranger began to sing.

"I am a righteous magic girl.
I can do anything; I'm magic.
And they call me,
And they call me...
Pixy Misa!"

"Stop this, Misa," the purple bird said wearily.  "We have a job to do, remember?"

"Vous n'êtes aucun amusement, Rumiya!" Pixy Misa complained, pouting cutely, before flashing a victory sign to her audience and striking a dramatic pose.  Her microphone transformed back into a baton.  

"Who am I?  I am...Pixy Misa, the magical girl of love and ambition!  In order to disrupt the Balance of Gemini my mistress has sent moi here to ensure that evil triumphs on this world!  Wahahahahahahaha!" the evil magical girl crowed.  Rumiya sighed and rolled his eyes, wondering whether or not this cameo was worth all the trouble.

"Never!  Evil shall never triumph over good!" Pretty Magical God Nanami declared, letting go of Ifurita who promptly fell to the ground so that she could strike an equally dramatic pose.  "I am the Pretty Magical God Nanami, and in the name of truth and justice I will punish you!"

"I think not, mon ami," Pixy Misa replied with a smirk, aiming her baton at Ifurita.  "CALLING...LOVELY...MYSTICS!"

A bolt of magical energy shot out of Pixy Misa's baton and struck the weakened and very bewildered Ifurita.  The Demon God was even further confused when a magical creature emerged from her body.

"Behold, my newest creation!  Love-love monster Angst Girl!  Wahahahahahaha!!!" Pixy Misa declared exuberantly, having transformed Ifurita's thousands of years of angst and loneliness into a her newest monster of the week.

The love-love monster Angst Girl, looking, strangely enough, like a gothic Kalia, frowned and turned mournful eyes that were so sad and depressing that they made anybody who saw them want to jump off a bridge and end it all on Pretty Magical God Nanami and the Demon God Ifurita who was by now almost wishing she'd stayed at Shinonome and waited for Makoto to rescue her.  "It is...so cold and...dark...and lonely.  All these years...alone.  Why?  Is loneliness all that...exists in this cold and uncaring...world?"

******

NOOOOO!!

Sshwoom!

Fast as lightning, a slender streak of red flashed past the outreached and lecherous hands of Alielle, Fatora, Gatora, and Hatora, stopping them in their tracks.  As one, the four of them plus Shayla turned their heads to see what had just happened and spotted a lone, beautiful red rose wedged firmly into the ground.  Looking up, they then saw who had thrown the rose with such devastating accuracy and collectively sweatdropped.

Groucho, somehow having found a black tuxedo that fit him, stood heroically on the pole of a nearby kiosk, cape fluttering dramatically behind him and a top hat on his head.  He also was wearing a white mask over his compound eyes and carrying a cane.  The purple bugrom, having no idea how to court Shayla-Shayla, had turned to the first source he'd found for clues which had happened to be Afura's secret collection of Sailor Moon manga.  Thus, Tuxedo Groucho was born.

"Zabu huzza woot!  Dadado gi hubbu dedio zut!  Hizzi wada boo nanana zotozoot!  Oozah!  Baelo dis gazi pada wut budi ag wazu!  Kalobu dani gen mhwoom!" Tuxedo Groucho spoke nobly and passionately, lecturing the three princesses and their servant on their evil deeds.  He then turned to Shayla and tossed her the Lamp of Fire.  How he'd gotten it remains a mystery.  "Wozodu ga amon!"

Shayla-Shayla grabbed her lamp and, gazing at the two clones, Fatora, and Alielle, smiled her violent, agressive, and pyromaniacal grin.  Flames erupted around her, and the Fire Priestess' current sources of annoyance gulped in fear.  

"Get ready...to die!"

******

Rune Venus was once again staring out at the land from her balcony, another sad expression on her face.  An unopened bottle of wine was held firmly in her right hand, and she was only waiting for everbody else to arrive before opening it.  Hearing somebody approach, the princess turned around only to have her greeting die in her throat as she laid eyes on somebody she'd never expected to see again in her life.

"CHABIL?!"

"Rune, at last I've found you again," the Cretarian farmer spoke lovingly, running up to and hugging the princess.  "You don't know how much I've longed for this day!"

"But why...how...I thought you were dead!  And how did you ever get to El-Hazard?" Rune Venus questioned, hope and disbelief warring for dominance in her lonely and burdened heart.

Chabil, looking down at her, smiled charmingly.  "Does it really matter, Rune?  My love for you has enabled me to surmount all the obstacles that stood between you and me, and now that we've at last been reunited..."

Chabil dropped down to one knee and took out a ring.  "Will you...marry me Rune?"

[MrWhat]

Jinnai sat at a desk in a large heavy tent, in a military encampment near the Roshtarian border.  He was crafting war plans for the ultimate final very-last we-really-mean-it-this-time Bugrom war with Roshtaria.

He had been hard at work for several hours.  He had found that being a demon god was convenient at times like these.  He could work on his plans for hours at a time, without annoying breaks for food or sleep.  He hadn't noticed that a whole day had gone by, or that night had fallen.

But then, Jinnai heard a familiar voice, with a familiar tone.  It was metaphorically dripping with milk and honey.  "Oh, Mr. Jinnai?..."

Oh cripes, he thought.  I know what Deva wants when she uses that tone of voice.  Honestly, is that all these women ever think about?

Jinnai marked his place in the papers he was holding, set them aside, and looked up from his desk.

Deva stood before him, in all her impossibly beautiful glory.  She was wearing one of her most tight and skimpy black outfits.  If she was any more naked, Jinnai thought, she'd have to put some clothes on to take a bath.

"Oh, Mr. Jinnai," Deva said huskily.  "You've been working so hard, for hours.  Don't you want a... little break?..."  She bent over at the hips, and draped herself over his desk in an incredibly gratuitous way.

Jinnai raised an impossibly handsome bishounen eyebrow.  "Uh, Deva?  Aren't you cold?"

Deva smiled seductively.  "Oh yes, Mr. Jinnai.  I'm so cold, all by myself."  She pretended to shiver, jiggling various bits of herself in an even more incredibly gratuitous way.  "And you're just the human to... warm me up..."

Jinnai held a hand over his eyes.  "Oy vey!  Deva, is that all--"

"Erm, Katsy-Watsy, dear?  Is this a bad time?"

Jinnai and Deva both looked to the open door, and both their jaws promptly fell open.

Ifurina stood at the doorway, smiling shyly.  She was clad in a new, yet strangely familiar, outfit.  She wore a long belted dark gray jacket with short sleeves, over a loose black blouse with a low neckline that showed her own cute little figure very nicely.  She also wore a jeweled red choker, fingerless black gloves, red trousers with one green knee, and long black boots.  A metallic hairband and a pair of stylish red-tinted sunglasses completed her outfit.

She pulled the glasses off, and proudly gestured to herself.  "Do you like it, Katsy-Watsy?  I thought, if I'm going to help you depose the cruel and corrupt regimes of Roshtaria, we ought to have coordinated outfits."

Jinnai pulled a hand down his face.  "Ngh...  I need some air."  He abruptly pushed his chair back, stood up, and left the room in a rude way.

Ifurina whined.  "Oh!  I thought he'd like it.  I thought men liked it when women cosplayed for them..."

Deva sighed.  "Our Mr. Jinnai is singularly obsessed with conquest.  I had hoped that, in his new demon god state, he might be more easily persuaded to help me augment our Bugrom forces.  But he remains as difficult to seduce as ever."

Ifurina's eyes widened.  "You mean... he doesn't want to?... with you?..."

Deva's head, and wings, drooped.  "The only way to secure his cooperation is to... secure him.  It takes about half a dozen Bugrom to hold him down.  He's stronger than he looks..."

In her mind, Ifurina pumped her fist, and shouted "YES!!"  But she was far too sweet a girl to use Deva's confession against her.  She came to Deva's side, and rested a hand on Deva's shoulder.  "Don't blame yourself, Miss Deva.  Katsy-Watsy, erm, I mean, Lord God Jinnai has a lot on his mind right now.  I'm sure things will be better after this big mean ol' war is all over.

"And you know I could never wear an outfit like the one you're wearing.  May I say, you look simply wonderful for a woman your age."

Deva smiled, then frowned.  "Thank you, dear-- WHAT WAS THAT!?"


Love-Love Monster Angst Girl suddenly jumped at Pretty Magical God Nanami.  She seemed to disappear into Nanami's body, in much the same way she had emerged from Ifurita's body, only in reverse.

Nanami's eyes went unfocused, and her jaw fell slack.  She fell to her knees, staring blankly without seeing.

Ifurita sighed.  "Oh dear.  They seem to have engaged in an inner psychic battle to the death."

Pixy Misa turned to the ailing demon god.  "How do you know that?"

Ifurita smiled thinly.  "You used my angst to create that monster, dear.  Remember?  And if there is one thing I know well, it is angst."

She sighed weakly.  "No offense, but I hope Nanami can defeat the monster quickly.  I was already dying before we encountered you."


Pretty Magical God Nanami was lost to an empty black space, kneeling in the same position as in reality.  She wailed as Love-Love Monster Angst Girl tormented her with her very own memories.

"Behold!" said LLMAG.  "The loneliness and the despair of your childhood, as your crazy weirdo freak of an older brother drove all your little friends away!"

"NOOOOO!!" cried Nanami.  She hung her head, and held her face in her hands.

"And the sweet, sweet sadness of watching your beloved Makoto pine for Ifurita!  See how you finally realized your feelings for him, only to find him obsessed with some bionic bimbo to the point of neurosis!!"

"AIIEEEE!!" cried Nanami.  She slumped into a fetal position, shaking with anguish.

But then, LLMAG make a mistake.  It was a common mistake made by villains all throughout the multi-verse.

She went one step too far.

"And now, the ultimate horror!  Relive the mind-breaking, soul-numbing anguish of seeing your beloved Makoto wrestling with your brother in the nude!!  Oh, the horror!  The humanity!  The...  Um...  Er..."

Nanami had begun to giggle in a familiar bone-chilling way.  She slowly came to her feet.  She gazed into the darkness with a maniacal smile.

She held out one hand, and her Pretty Magical Baton re-materialized in one hand, in a brilliant flash of pink.  But it had changed.  It was still cutesy, pink and plasticky... but it was much larger now... and it was in the shape of an axe.

"Oh, nut bunnies," said Love-Love Monster Angst Girl.


Pixy Misa glanced at her watch, and impatiently tapped a foot.  "You were right to worry, Ifurita.  I wonder if this is going to take much longer."

Ifurita did not reply.  She was now struggling to remain conscious, and she didn't wish to use the extra energy needed to speak, unless it was absolutely necessary.

CHINK!!

Both Pixy Misa and Ifurita gasped, as the head of a shiny pink plastic axe poked out of Pretty Magical God Nanami's forehead.  It sliced down through Nanami's body, cutting her in half from head to waist.

And then, Pretty Magical God Nanami emerged from her own body.  "Whew, what a trip-- oh good.  I'm almost myself again.  Thanks for cutting my kawaii phase short, Misa."

Pixy Misa clapped a hand over her mouth, and tried not to lose her lunch.  "Oh, that's just grotesque!"

Nanami tugged at her now skimpy and BADASS pink clothing, and inspected her new Power Key Baton.  "Oh, don't worry.  That's just your flunky dying a horrible death.  See?"

The mutilated corpse of the kawaii Pretty Magical God Nanami blurred, and changed, and became the mutilated corpse of  Love-Love Monster Angst Girl, before fading away like a dead video game avatar.

"And now, Pixy Misa, it's time to administer some justice-- oh, wait.  I have to go back through time and space, and visit my earlier kawaii self.  Hang on a minute."  CHINK!!  Nanami disappeared.

Pixy Misa frowned, and scratched her head.  "I'm not following this at all."

CHINK!!  Nanami reappeared.  "Okay.  Sorry about that.  Now, then.  With Love and Justice on my side, I shall punish-- eh!?"

She felt a tug at her ankle.  She glanced down to the ground, and saw a weeping Ifurita, pleading with her eyes for her fading life.

"Oh," said Nanami.  "I guess I should take you to Makoto first, so that you won't die, huh."

"Yuh-- yes, puh-- please," gasped Ifurita, just as she fell comatose.

Nanami took the limp Ifurita up in one arm, and brandished her Power Key Baton again with her free hand.  She grinned apologetically at Pixy Misa.  "So sorry.  Back in a dash."  CHINK!!

Pixy Misa was by now well and truly befuddled.  But Rumiya sighed again, and spoke out loud to himself.  "I knew this cameo was trouble.  Why, it's almost as if the current writer has only a passing acquaintance with us, and is putting us off for another writer."

[Lord God Jinnai]

Unfortunately for Pixy Misa, said next writer had even less knowledge of her character than the previous one. Therego, current writer decided to kill her off quickly, so that the story could proceed.

"You! Hideous freak!" shouted a gruff, manly voice. Vegeta(a character the current writer is definately familiar with) quickly stepped forth from the proverbial shadows, and glared  at Pixy Misa. "You're an abomination to all proud warriors in the Universe. I shall destroy you utterly, leaving NOTHING left of yourself to be buried. You should feel gratified by dying at my hands!"

With that, the Saiyan prince blasted the super-cute villain into the Next Dimension.

********************************************

"I... I... YES! Chabil, yes, I will marry you!" Rune Venus grabbed the hulking young farmer in a fierce embrace, happy tears leaking out of her eyes.

"I am glad. Thank you, Rune for making me the happiest man in the world." Chabil smiled, though there was something dark and forboding within it.

The Princess however did not catch the look. "Oh, this is such wonderful news. I must tell Londs to start the wedding immediately! Please, wait here my darling." With that, Rune ran off into the palace.

Once he was alone, Chabil's mouth twisted into an evil grin. "Foolish little girl... to be fooled by such a thing. Love truly is the most idiotic of all human emotions." The farmer laughed, pure evil ringing off within the tones. His form quickly shifted, transforming from a healthy young farmer to a hunged old man with wild white hair and wide, bloodshot eyes. "Now that the Eye of God which has imprisoned me for so long has been destroyed, I, Arjah, shall rule El-Hazard once more! NYAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Thunder erupted outside, adding a more ominous effect to his words.

[rowan_a._seven]

Fortunately for Pixy Misa's 1.1 trillion, 1 million, 101 fans from across the country, the next writer was familiar with and a fan of Pixy Misa.  Therefore, he decided that she and Rumiya should get their own 25-episode TV series detailing their hilarious exploits in the Next Dimension, their eventual resurrection and triumph over the Magical Girl Pretty Sammy, and the emotional resolution of the Misa/Misao identity crisis.  However, since the next writer was also currently not an employee of an animation studio or a billionaire with the money to spend in order to convince an animation studio to produce such a work, he dropped this plan and settled for writing the following sentence:

Pixy Misa and Rumiya were resurrected and, their cameo time up, returned to their own world.

Now, back to the regularly scheduled RR...

******

Mr. Fujisawa, haggard, weary, breathing heavily, and with bloodshot eyes caused by lack of sleep, staggered into a market .  Exhausted, he walked up to the clerk on duty with all the urgency and seriousness he could muster and opened his mouth to ask a question that he'd uttered in dozens of markets for the past couple days, unwilling to return home without first completing his surprisingly difficult mission.

"Got a loaf of bread?"

"No," the clerk answered simply.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhh!!!"

******

Dr. Smith, a comparatively original character created for this single scene, surveyed the damaged and charred street around him and shook his head sadly.  Allegedly innocent bystanders and onlookers watched from behind the yellow tape as repair workers went about cleaning up the mess, medical workers went about helping the four unconscious and injured people that had been found, and insurance agents debated how much their rates should be raised.

"The Bugrom Empire and their legions draw closer with each approaching second, the Eye of God which has protected us for these many millennia is no more, and one of the sacred priestesses is ignoring this entire mess by going on vacation, and yet people still find time to inflict mass property damage?  Oh, woeful day!  Who could be so violent, so senseless, as to add this additional lament to us troubled Roshtarians?" Dr. Smith soliloquied passionately and mournfully, using his associate's degree in acting for all it was worth.

A nurse walked up to him and, speaking softly, made a report.  "Sir, we've identified the injured who appear to be Alielle Ralielle, Princess Fatora, and two clones of Princess Fatora."

Dr. Smith's eyes widened in sudden understanding, and he laughed heartily.  "Oh, that makes everything all right then.  We all know that, when Fatora and Alielle - and apparently their clones too - are up to their lovable wacky hijinks, hilarity - and in this case property damage also - always ensues."

Everyone in the scene shared a good laugh, and then Dr. Smith gave his orders.  "Send them to the Royal Hospital and give them priority care, but make sure you put them all in separate rooms.  We don't want them to reinjure themselves doing something 'strenuous' before they're completely healed, and for the love of the priesthood assign only male nurses to care for them!  I can't stress that last part enough.  We definitely don't need another nurses' strike right now."

A bolt of lightning and the ominous sound of thunder followed these remarks.

"Alas, what new evil is stirring now?  Has another legacy of the Ancients awakened to destroy us?  Will our beloved El-Hazard ever know lasting peace?  What will-"  Dr. Smith, fully immersed in his threatrical lament, didn't notice as the nurse rolled her eyes and walked away.  

[Lord God Jinnai]

Meanwhile, several hundred miles away, in the city of Jubserra, in the Kingdom of Malakat, a busy tavern stood in a poor residential district. This tavern, created by Balmy Sadori, originally from the Kingdom of Baron, was a popular watering hole for the various low-income workers living in the area. Not too many well-to-dos ever entered the establishment, nor did the tavern wish to attract such clientelle. It was a simple place, and catered to simple people.

"Another pint please," said the totally out-of-place Wind Priestess. Afura Mann, still on her walkabout, had journeyed all the way to the small city of this small kingdom, trying her darndest to rediscover herself. Unfortunately, all she had managed to do so far was completely depress herself; her humiliating and painful defeat at the hands of Ishiel Soel had totally crushed her self image. It had taken her years to prop up her reputation as the unflappable, calm-under-pressure woman she had become. Yet one battle with her former friend, and losing so badly, had truly ruffled her feathers.

The weary barkeep placed a pint of lager next to the depressed-looking Wind Priestess, then quickly collected the money she had paid. Afura ignored him, simply staring forlornly at the liquid in her mug. "Useless," she whispered to herself. "Why have I become so... useless? It was just one fight. I've lost before, so why can't I get over it? I... I fell so useless..."

Loud laughter suddenly interrupted Afura's funk. She looked over to the back of the tavern and saw a group of men laughing it up with a young girl. The wind priestess was about to ignore them when, to her horror, she suddenly recognized the woman.

"Yep, that was me!" laughed Ishiel as she tossed down another mug of beer. "I blew up the Eye of God. Heh, that just screws everybody over, don't it?" The slightly inebriated young woman grinned at everyone at her table. "Yep, screwed Roshtaria, screwed the Phantom Tribe, screwed the Bugrom!" Ishiel was about to laugh, but a tought struck her. "Huh, waitta minute here... by blowin up da Eye of God, I really didn't screw the Bugrom that much, did I? I kinda helped them, acshally..." She then smiled dreamily. "I'd like ta screw that Demon God Jinnai, though... yum yum yum... mama likes..."

Afura had slowly made her way towards the door, hoping against all hope that the drunk Ishiel would not notice her. Unfortunately, that wouldn't have been very interesting, so Ishiel did.

"Well, well, WELL!" said the Earth priestess, her drunken demeanor vanishing quickly as she noticed the frightened Afura trying to make a quick getaway. "What have we here? The little Wind Priestess leaving without saying hello."

Afura stood stock still, unable to move. She tried desperately to force herself to walk out of the bar, but her feet would not listen. She was frozen in fear, complete panic seizing her bones.

Ishiel stood up, then grabbed her massive Earth Lamp from the side of her seat as she made her way towards the cringing Afura. "What's the matter, Mann? Cat got your tongue? You were always ready with a quick comeback, why won't you say anything now?"

Afura managed to find the will to look up and glare at Ishiel as she made her way over to her, but try as she might, Afura could not get herself to speak.

"I get it," smirked the Earth priestess. "You're afraid that I'll kick your ass like I did last time."

The shame of her loss quickly replaced whatever courage she had found in the first place. Afura looked away from her rival, staring down at the floor in front of her dejectedly.

Ishiel laughed. She was completely enjoying her hated betrayer's humiliation, and loved seeing the once confident priestess reduced to a simpering twit. "Oh my, how the mighty have fallen. Don't worry, little girl, I'm not gonna beat you up again. I've all ready done that, after all. So long." Ishiel laughed once more before she stalked off.

Afura glared at her rival's back, silently swearing revenge.

[MrWhat]

Makoto, Londs and Schtalubaugh were still hard at work in the dreaded Demon God Factory, trying to figure out what had gone wrong with Londs' cunning plan.

Rune leaned into the room.  "Londs?  Would you... oh, Dr. Schtalubaugh, I've found you.  How wonderful.  Could I borrow you for a few minutes?"

Schtalubaugh harrumphed.  "Milady, I am rather busy at the moment.  If you wish me to help save the Alliance, I must--  OUCH!!"

Rune had grabbed Schtalubaugh by the ear, to drag him out of the room.  He stumbled after her, scrabbling at his pinched ear.  "Ow ow I suppose ow ow I could spare ow ow a minute or two ow."

And then, just as they left-- CHINK!!  Pretty Magical God Nanami leaned into the room, through a Pretty Nanami Portal.  "Makoto?  You've got a visitor."

Makoto looked up impatiently.  "Nanami, can't you take a message?  If you want me to undo your transformation, I've got to-- OUCH!!"

Nanami yanked Makoto into her portal by his ear, and closed it behind them.  UNCHINK!!

Londs angrily called over his shoulder to the now-empty room.  "Don't mind me!  I'll just keep working here all by myself!"


Kauru absent-mindedly strolled through the palace grounds, lost in her thoughts.

Oh, she thought.  With Miss Afura gone, and Miss Shayla being all mean to me now...  There's no one to spend time with.  I'm so lonely.

I wish I had someone else to talk to, she thought.  Maybe even someone... special.   Like Mr. Makoto...

Then she happened to look to a pole high above a nearby kiosk.  She gasped.  Who's that?, she thought.  Who is that handsome man in the top hat and white mask?

Tuxedo Groucho looked down, and saw the entomophobic water priestess gazing up at him, with the moonlight reflected in her wide admiring eyes.  He sweatdropped.  Then he lost his balance, and gracelessly fell from the pole.

Kauru gasped.  She ran towards the pole, calling into the night.  "SIR!!  Are you alright!?"

But when she came to the base of the pole, Tuxedo Groucho was gone.  His top hat lay on the ground near the pole.

Kauru kneeled, took up the top hat and looked at it.  Then she suddenly hung her head, and squeezed it to her chest.

She made a solemn oath to herself, that night, alone in the moonlight.  I swear, by the powers of Muldoon, Kauru thought.  I shall find and unmask the mysterious man in the tuxedo, and offer him my heart.  I just know that the sight of his unmasked face will make me happy.


At long last, Makoto and Ifurita had been reunited.

Nanami had brought him to Ifurita's side, then promptly left them alone, partly to respect their privacy, and partly due to her own still-mixed-feelings about their relationship.

Makoto had immediately recharged Ifurita.  Then he had used his ability to tenderly repair her injuries with soft loving touches.

Finally, Ifurita opened her eyes, and looked up from where she lay.  "Muh-- Makoto?" she softly whispered.

Then she bolted up to meet Makoto's embrace.

They spent the next half-hour or so crying hysterically into each other's shoulders.  Several times, they had both calmed themselves, and begun to speak, only to wail loudly and fall back into each other's arms.

"Muh-- Makoto?  My love?" asked Ifurita, finally.  "Cuh-- could I ask a favor?"

"Of course," Makoto said.  "What is it?"

"I know I have returned on the eve of another war," Ifurita said.  "But... I would like to forget about the horrible dangers that await us all, for a time.  I would like to spend this night with you, and not think of what tomorrow might bring.

"I would like to change out of this ruined uniform, and wear something nice for you.  I have never worn a dress.  I would like to be beautiful for you."

Makoto smiled.  "That would be lovely, Ifurita.  I'm sure I can find something for you."

"And then, perhaps, a candlelit dinner?" Ifurita asked.  "I know you will have not eaten yet, Makoto, being the absent-minded but conscientous hard worker that you are.  I should like to share a meal with you tonight.  Our first meal together."

"Of course," Makoto said again.  "I'll have the palace cooks whip up something for us."

"And then..." Ifurita looked deeply into Makoto's eyes.  "I would like to spend the rest of the night with you, Makoto.  I would like to make sweet sweet love with you the whole night through.  And I would like for you to use your ability on me.  I would like for you to bring us together, both spiritually and physically, in an unimaginable state of bliss that only true soul-mates in love can know."

Makoto gulped.  "Uh, okay.  I guess I could do that too."


CHINK!!  Pretty Magical God Nanami returned to the site of her fateful meeting with Pixy Misa.  "Okay, Misa.  I'm really, really, really sorry for the delay.  Now, with Love and Justice on my side, I shall... um... er..."

Nanami sweatdropped.  She was utterly alone.  The only sound to be heard were the crickets in the nearest part of the royal gardens.

Oh dear, Nanami thought.  The writer didn't handle this very well, did he?  Oh well, maybe he'll handle the next unfamiliar cross-over more gracefully.


Londs looked up from his work, to see Rune Venus return to the dreaded Demon God Factory.  A beaming Dr. Schtalubaugh had returned with her, along with another man that Londs had never met, what with Londs being entirely absent from The Alternative World.

"Milady?" asked Londs.  "Who is this?"

"Allow me to introduce... Chabil," said Rune.  "The one true love of my life, and now..." she held up her hand, to show off Chabil's ring.  "... my husband, courtesy of Dr. Schtalubaugh."

Arjah/Chabil held out a hand.  "Put 'er there, pal."

Londs glared at him as they shook hands.  I don't like him already, he thought.

"Oh, and one other thing," Rune said.  "Londs?  I'm grateful for your many years of service to the royal house of Roshtaria.  But, let's face it-- lately, you've become a hopeless screw-up.  It's time for some fresh blood."

Rune reached up, pulled Lond's hat off, and put it on Chabil's head.  "Chabil, my love?  I hereby appoint you to the position of retainer and advisor to the royal house of Roshtaria.  And Londs?  You've got twenty minutes to clean out your desk before I have you escorted from the premises."

Londs' jaw fell to the floor.  "Guh... nuh... uh..."

Arjah/Chabil smiled an evil smile, and held the tips of his fingers together in an evil way.  "Excellent!"

Rune looked to him with a worried expression.  "What was that, dear?"

Arjah/Chabil cleared his throat in embarrassment.  "I mean, I am greatly honored to accept this position of great power and responsibility, Milady... and my love."

"Oh!" said Rune, as happy as she had been in years.

"Oh my word!" said Dr. Schtalubaugh, so happy for his beloved princess, rubbing at his moist eyes.

"Oh, nut bunnies!" said Londs.

[Lord God Jinnai]

Jinnai looked up at the starlit sky, and let out a sigh to end all sighs. "Oh how I wish they would just leave me alone," said the Demon God, frustration evident in his oh-so masculine voice. "I just want to conquer the world. Is that so much to ask? Women... truly such strange creatures."

Before he could depress himself any further, Jinnai quickly shook off his funk and raised his fist into the air. "Oh, what am I doing? This is no time to lament about such trivial matters! Victory is within my grasp! With the Eye of God gone, all the ancient weapons of El-Hazard nothing but ash, and the member nations of the Alliance under my control, nothing is left to stop me from crushing the foolish ingrates in Roshtaria who dare deny the inevitable! How I shall enjoy destroying them all. Especially you, Makoto Mizuhara. Your time is up. I have won. Nothing on this world is left to save you." With that, the Demon God let out an arrogant, manly guffaw.

*********************************************

Londs sighed dejectedly as the guards, HIS guards, pushed him out of the city gates. They had apologized for their actions, but apparently the new Royal Advisor Chabil had ordered him out of the capital.

"I do not believe this!" muttered the former retainer as he clutched his box of nicknacks to his chest. "I have served that family loyally for years! How can the Princess just allow that commoner to treat me so! The sheer nerve!" Londs directed a glare back at Florestica, the city he had helped to maintain against both war and civil strife. "All my service was for naught. How dare that man do this! How dare he just sneak into my city, steal my job, steal my friends... steal my HAT! I'll kill him! I'll kill the bastard!"

Unfortunately for the former advisor, his screaming and ranting had managed to alert a Bugrom reconnaissance unit to his presence. The small swarm of crack bug commandos swooped down on top of him, pushing his protesting body into a sack, before running off into the night.

[Spanner]

Ishiel smugly sauntered away from the Priestess of Wind she knew was glowering at her back. Yes, life was truly sweet. She'd achieved her ultimate revenge against the Phantom Tribe and the now-dissolved Alliance, and once the Bugrom had had her fun she knew she possessed power enough to deal with them as well. Maybe she'd even be able to take Jinnai alive - now THAT would truly be the icing on the cake. Her heart fluttered at the thought.

Yes, life was good.

Unfortunately for her, life was about to get very, very bad.

*CHINK!* A pink-haired head poked gruesomely out of thin air in front of Ishiel. "Heeeeere's Nanami!" it giggled ghoulishly.

"Aaah!" Ishiel screamed, falling backwards onto her rear.

PRETTY MAGICAL GOD NANAMI emerged from the rift in the air, smiling broadly. "Sorry, I couldn't resist, Ishiel-chan! How's my favorite murder buddy?" She hefted Ishiel to her feet and wrapped her arms around her in a friendly embrace.

"Na-na-nanami!" Ishiel stuttered, barely recognizing the much-changed psychopath she'd known from before. "What happened to you?"

"Oh, I'm a Demon God now!" Nanami answered excitedly. "Isn't it cool?"

"D-demon God?" Ishiel answered, turning very, very pale.

"Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap," she repeated to herself as her heart began racing out of control, and her urge to flee reached unparalleled levels. While the sheer godly attractiveness of Demon God Jinnai allowed her to ignore it in his case, the truth was that Demon Gods frightened her. They REALLY frightened her. While most children of El-Hazard had been raised on stories of the evil destructive might of the Demon Gods, Ishiel had truly taken these stories to heart.

Now, Nanami, a girl who unnerved her anyway, had appeared before her in the form of a Demon God. One, apparently, with the ability to appear out of nowhere. And who carried a very large axe. The fact that she was flourescent pink didn't really do much to calm Ishiel's nerves.

Ishiel tore roughly free of Nanami's grasp, and stumbled away, too terrified to even consider using the enormous Lamp of Earth she was carrying. She tripped and fell, the Lamp skittering across the dusty ground. Ishiel scrambled across the street and pressed herself against the side of a building, unable to retreat any further. "Oh, God, please save me!"

Nanami strode up to Ishiel, apparently unaware of the other's blind terror. "C'mon, Ishiel-chan! We're gonna have such FUN!"

*CHINK!* Nanami dragged Ishiel through the rip in the air. "Noooooooooo-" Ishiel screamed, only to have the sound cut short as the tear closed behind them.

Afura, for her part, was both unnerved and strangely satisfied. She picked up Ishiel's discarded lamp and examinied it. "This is definitely a holy artifiact," Afura murmurred to herself. "I can feel its power... Wait, what's this?" Afura traced her fingers over an indentation on the top of the Lamp of Earth. "Its shape... Could it be?" Afura removed the Lamp of Wind from her waist, and pushed it onto the indentation. "A perfect fit?" she asked, astonished, as the Lamp clicked firmly into place.

Hefting the combined device, Afura attempted to wield its power. The feeling of manipulating the rocks and earth was unfamiliar to her, but her training as a priestess soon acclimated her to it. She wrested a sizable boulder from the earth, and immediately lofted it into the air with the power of wind. The winds quartered the stone, and Afura used the power of earth to shape the four smaller stones into perfect spheres. Releasing her power, the stones thunked to the ground.

"Amazing," she breathed.

Continuing to examine the artifact Afura found a location near the "hammer" portion of the jackhammer the perfect size to accomodate a small ring, and a mechanism underneath, just before the "trigger" clearly intended to host the Lamp of Fire. "What could one person do with so much power at once?" she wondered.

As if in answer to her question, she suddenly became aware of a hushed chattering nearby. It appeared to be a group of teenaged boys. They were huddled around one boy who had a laptop computer, but were all alternating between looking at the screen and up at her. "...it's really her..." "...wow, yeah, do you think she's gonna..." Afura preened slightly. Clearly these youths had recognized one of the Great Priestesses, and were suitably awed by her beauty, presence, and power. "...why's she wearing clothes, though...?" Afura paused and frowned. What was that? "...nitwit, she only takes 'em off for the show..." WHAT?! "...where's the other one...?" "...dunno - she's WAY hotter, isn't she...?"

Afura charged toward the group of boys, the furious expression on her face causing many of them to scatter. She grabbed the laptop and twisted it to face her. Afura's face paled. "No," she whispered. "How could they possibly have...?"

Caught in horror, Afura watched as her mostly nude mud romp with Ishiel cycled over and over again on the screen. At the top of the browser, babump.com proudly declared responsibility for the... travesty before her.

CRINCH! A spear of earth thrust up between the legs of the boy holding the laptop, neatly spitting the offending piece of electronics. The owner of those legs stared a moment at the deadly protrusion and then fainted, a damp stain spreading across his trousers.

Afura glowered as she gripped the Lamp of Earth and Wind. Now, she knew. She finally knew the reason the Lamps had been created, and why they had been created to be wielded by one individual. It was so obvious. She had been blind before, but now her eyes had been opened.

They had been created to put an end to Internet porn.

The dolphin-bears would pay, and pay dearly...

[MrWhat]

OOC:  The second half of this one contains fairly explicit adult humor.  (Yes, Mr. What is pushing his luck.)  Reader discretion is advised.


A malevolently beautiful woman wandered the many paths of El-Hazard.  She wore dark tight clothing under a requisite billowing villainness' cape.  She had long blond hair and blood-red eyes.  Curious red emblems adorned her forehead and cheeks, and cute lil' fangs protruded from her upper lip.

She was the demon Mara-- not a Judeo-Christian demon, but rather, a localized manifestation of a ten-dimensional agent of the Nifelheim system, and a first-class-unlimited licensed sorceress to boot.

She had come to El-Hazard to grant some wishes, and to earn herself a nice little commission check in the process.

Mara swept an arm across the horizon, and spoke to someone who apparently wasn't there.  "Behold, Senbei!  A world in turmoil!  A dimension of lost souls!  Why, it's a perfect opportunity for us to do a little moonlighting!"

Senbei was hidden away in Mara's cape, so as not to attract undue attention.  He might well have attracted undue attention, seeing as how he was only about as tall as a soda bottle.  But his portable size made him easy to hide away.

"Senbei not sure 'bout this," he said.  "Previous wacky villainness cross-over not work out too good.  Senbei not want get blasted into Next Dimension by Saiyan prince."

"Hush, you," said his mistress.  "And stop breaking the fourth wall.  It's really annoying.  Besides, I am much more well-known than Pixy Misa, don't you know."

"Senbei not sure 'bout that, either.  Mistress is background character in Oh My Goddess! manga, yes?  She have only blink-and-miss it cameo in OVA.  Why, she not even in franchise revival movie at all--  *squeek*!!"

Mara had bodily grabbed Senbei in anger.  "And thank you for rubbing the metaphorical salt in those wounds again!" she snarled.

"Ack eep," said Senbei, just as he was squeezed unconscious.

"Now be silent!" Mara said unnecessarily.  "Here comes a sucke-- er, I mean, a potential client."

She held out an arm, and pulled her potential client to a stop before her.  It wasn't easy-- the man was stronger than he looked.  He sighed, squared his backpack on his shoulders, and set his mountain climbing pickaxe aside.

"Pardon me, sir," Mara said, putting on false airs, "but you seem troubled."

"You ain't whistlin' Dixie, kid," the man grumbled.

"Well, worry no more!"  The Nifelheim demon swept her arms wide, and assumed a dramatic pose.  Lightning seemed to arc and flare behind her.  "I am the demon Mara, and I can grant your heart's desire!"

The man sighed again.  He was obviously well and truly exasperated.  "Fer cryin' out loud...  Fine.  I want a loaf of bread."

Mara's jaw fell to the ground.  "A WHAT!?"

"Thought so," the man said.  "Can't find one anywhere.  Oh, Miz is gonna be so disappointed..."

"IS THAT ALL!?  A LOAF OF BREAD!?" Mara screamed, in sheer disbelief.

Fujisawa smiled.  "Oh!  You mean, you can really get me stuff?"

"WELL, YEAH!!" Mara said, not at all calmly.  "And MOST PEOPLE want MORE than a FREAKIN' LOAF OF BREAD!!"

"Great!"  Fujisawa cheerfully pulled out a list.  "I also need a container of milk, a stick of butter, a..."

Mara held her face in her hands and whimpered.  A dimension full of soft touches, she thought, and I get the henpecked husband.


By chance, the crack Bugrom commandos that had captured Londs reported directly to Queen Deva.  They had brought the Bag-O'-Londs to her battle-camp throne room.

Deva was still put off from being put off by Demon God Jinnai.  She regarded the squirming sack with little interest.  "What trifle is this, my children?"

As if on cue, a dishevelled Londs popped out of the bag.  "Ye gods!  Where have the fiends brought me?  And where is my box of knick-knacks?  That desk calendar still had six months left on it!"

Deva glared at him.  "You stand before the Queen of the Bugrom, little man.  Name yourself, and explain, in fifty words or less, why you should be allowed to live."

"The-- Bugrom queen?" Londs gasped.  "No!!  Not that!!"

It was all too much for poor old Londs to take.  He fell to his knees, and clutched at his poor head.  "My cunning plans, come to naught!  My life-long retainership to the royal house of Roshtaria, and my nifty hat, taken from me!  And now-- this!?"

Deva suddenly smiled.  "Why, I know of you, little man.  You are Londs, retainer to the despicable Rune Venus...  Or, rather, you say, former retainer?  I take it you are currently unemployed?"

"What of it, foul Bugrom queen?" Londs snarled.

Deva stood from her throne, and sashayed towards Londs.  "How would you like to work for me?  Mr. Jinnai is my chief military advisor, but I could use a secondary retainer, for the... duties that he is too busy to perform.  An older and more experienced man might be just what I need."

Londs crossed his arms and huffed.  "Roshtaria may have betrayed me, but there is nothing you could offer me to betray them!  Nothing, do you huh... uh... oh, Momma..."

Deva came to Londs, and kneeled before him, in all her impossibly beautiful glory.  She whispered a sweet nothing in his ear, then leaned back with a seductive smile.

"That's in the job description!?" an astonished Londs asked.

Deva nodded.

Londs immediately began to unbutton his shirt.  "I can start right away."

Deva squealed with delight.  "Ooh!  Decisive!  I like that."  She carefully rolled up her wings, kicked off her boots, and slithered into Londs' sack.

Londs tossed his shirt aside, and squirmed back into the sack after Deva.  "Oh, and can I have a new hat?"

"We can both wear hats," Deva said from within the sack, "if it helps to put you in the mood."

The crack Bugrom commandos looked at each other, and sweatdropped.

Following long-standing orders not to waste supplies, they carefully but firmly tied Londs and Deva's sack shut, so that it wouldn't spill.  Then they left to resume their patrols.

After a few moments, the bag stopped squirming, and Londs' muffled voice could be heard.  "Uh... Milady?  We seem to have been inescapably sacked up together and abandoned."

"Is that a problem?" Deva asked.

"No, no," Londs said cheerfully.  "No problem at all.  Forget I mentioned it.  Just breathe out when I breathe in, please.  Now, where were we?..."


Four hours later, Jinnai and Ifurina entered Deva's throne room.

Ifurina was whining her best teenaged-girl whine.  "Oh, Katsuhiko!  I'm starving!"

"Then why did you follow me in here?" Jinnai asked grumpily.  "That's what the commissary is for--  Oh, never mind.  Maybe there's some rations in that big sack over there."

[Lord God Jinnai]

Last time on El-Hazard...

Jinnai and Ifurina entered Deva's throne room.

Ifurina was whining her best teenaged-girl whine.  "Oh, Katsuhiko!  I'm starving!"

"Then why did you follow me in here?" Jinnai asked grumpily.  "That's what the commissary is for--  Oh, never mind.  Maybe there's some rations in that big sack over there."  
 

*Insert opening theme and credits here*


The Demon God and his master approached the rather large sack, intent on finding some suitable sustenance for themselves. The two were throughly surprised though, when they discovered that instead of pasty yet pallatable military rashions being inside the bag, there wre instead two people thoroughly going at it.

"GHAAA!" yelped Jinnai in shock and horror, as he beheld the sight of the very naked Londs doing very nasty things to the very naked Diva. The Demon God quickly covered Ifurina's eyes before shouting, "DIVA! What the hell?!"

The sacked duo quickly covered themselves in their shreds of clothing. Londs looked utterly embarrassed, while Diva had a sublime and rather "satisfied" glow to her.

"Ah, Mr. Jinnai. I'm so glad that you are here," the Bugrom Queen turned to the disheveled advisor and smiled. "I believe you have met Londs, former retainer to the house of Roshtaria. I have decided to make him Chief Domestic Advisor."

"What?!" snarled Jinnai. He released his hold on Ifurina and started forwards, hishandsome features became twisted in anger. "Are you mad? How can you just do such a thing, without consulting me first?"

Londs had stepped back from the fuming Demon God, knowing full well that the young man was quite mad. Although his transformation may have evened out his temper quite a bit, he was still the same violent, megolamaniacal lunatic he had always been.

"Oh, hi Mr. Londs!" greeted Ifurina with a smile. "It's so nice to see you, how've you been?"

"Do you mind?" Jinnai said testily to the young girl. He then turned to Diva, still fuming. "Well?"

The queen merely raised an eyebrow. "I don't see what all this fussing is about. Mr. Londs will merely serve as my Chief Domestic Advisor. You shall still command the Empire's military forces, while Londs shall be in charge of public works and the beurocracy."

"I know what a domestic advisor does," Jinnai turned his obsidian eyes towards the older man, causing the other to sweat profusely. "He is one of the ENEMY! He might be a spy for all we know!"

Diva shook her head. "Come now, Mr. Jinnai. I am not as simple as you make me seem out to be. I know for a fact that Mr. Londs is not working for the Alliance anymore; in fact, they have wronged him terribly. Therefore, he shall serve me and the Empire. He has a wealth of knowledge and experience that will serve us well. In addition to running the Domestic side of things, he shall also be in charge of the treasury, overseas trade, resupplying our forces..."

Jinnai looked up. "Wait, wait. Resupplying... you mean he... ?" The Demon God looked at Londs, then towards Diva. "So I won't have to.... ?"

The queen nodded. "Yes, I know you are busy with our military preparation, so the Domestic Advisor will take care of those... duties."

Jinnai blinked not once, not twice, but thrice. The fury quickly vanished from his face, and he turned to the new Bugrom Chief Domestic Advisor and flashed his million-Roshtal smile. "Well, why didn't you say so in the beginning! Welcome to Omnipotent Bugrom Empire, Londs! I am so glad that such a brilliant, outstanding public official such as yourself working with us." The Demon God grasped the surprised advisor's hand firmly, giving it a friendly shake. "You don't know how happy it makes me that you are here. I have always respected you as an enemy, and I can not wait for us to be very good friends. I'll even forgive you for that little stunt with the cement, and for locking me up in that cold dank basement cell without any clothes on!"

Londs gulped at the memory, but the Demon God's jovial laughter put him at ease.

"Oh yes, I am so glad, SO glad that you are here!"

*********************************************

Arjah, still in Chabil's form, stared across the expansive view of Rune's balcony. After consumating their marriage (eeeewwww), the evil being took his leave of his thoroughly exhausted bride and made his way to the balcony. He needed a nice secluded place to plan.

"It all falls into place," said the new Roshtarian Chief Advisor. "With Rune Venus and Roshtaria at my command, I shall rule El-Hazard once more." His dark eyes beheld the lands before him, hate shining within their depths. "The Ancients dared to imprison me, to wipe away my name from the texts of history? Ha! They think that by making me forgotten... by erasing me from memory... that they could defeat my might? Fools... I am ruler of the Cosmos! The Dimensions are my playthings, to do with as I please! They dare have the arrogance to stand up against me?!"

Arjah, feeling his fury beginning to erupt, quickly steeled his temper. The red glow which had surrounded his body quickly faded, and his still form remained impassive once more.

"Foolish peons," he whispered to himself. "You think that to forget me, is to be rid of me? How laughable. I shall make you remember my name... I shall make you remember the name of God."