El-Hazard Round Robin, Part 2

[rowan_a._seven]

Jinnai stared suspiciously at the door that had an exit sign over it.  He'd been sneaking around this temple for over an hour and seen sights that would've put a halt to anyone with more...well, sanity, and this promise of escape seemed far too easy.  Still, thinking of what lay in store for him if he stayed, the despot shuddered and made his decision.  After a surreptitious look behind to make sure he wasn't being followed, he opened the door and walked through it...right into a trap.

Before he could even blink, the door behind him slammed shut and Jinnai found himself surrounded by beautiful, naked female girls wearing predatory expressions.  Their de facto leader, a tall, statuesque blond, stepped forward.

"I am Head Priestess Zoot, and you have been very naughty, My Lady, " Zoot admonished, a lecherous grin plastered across her features.  "Moving around in your injured condition?  Sha-a-a-a-ame!  You must be punished...with a spanking!"

"A spanking!  A spanking!" the nearby girls shouted.  Jinnai's eyes went wide.

"And after the spanking...the oral sex!" Zoot continued, a depraved tone to her voice.

"The oral sex!  The oral sex!" the acolytes repeated faithfully.  Jinnai whimpered in horror.

"But first...the bath!  You must be...purified, My Lady," Zoot declared, eyes shining with debauched religious fervor.

Within seconds Jinnai was buried in a pile of grasping, invasive female bodies as the acolytes violently tore his clothes off and, passing his protesting female body among themselves, amorously carried the tyrant over to a gigantic hot tub where even more beautiful, naked girls were waiting and holding bars of soap, looking like they could barely contain themselves from...scrubbing the newest initiate.

With a scream of absolute terror, Jinnai was tossed into the pool.  Zoot stood over him and smirked.  "This is for your own...good dear.  Why, tomorrow morning you'll personally thank me for all this-erk..."

A now male and furious Jinnai surfaced, giving the hordes of nubile young women their first look at a man in what seemed like a very long time.  Long suppressed feelings and desires surfaced in all of them, there was an almost audible zzzt as their brainwashing malfunctioned and backfired, and Gatora and Hatora had their hopes of creating their own religion centered on themselves dashed.  

"Master!  Please, let us...serve you!" the stunningly beautiful female legions exclaimed as they bowed before and worshipped Jinnai.

Lord God Jinnai, leader of the Bugrom Empire, the Human Alliance, the Creterian Empire, and the Phantom Tribe (provided Nahato ever frees himself from the floor), now had a completely loyal cult of utterly devoted, obsessed, exquisitely gorgeous, and breathtakingly attractive young women willing to do absolutely anything he said.

"Get the h*ll away from me!" was the first command of the cult's new god.

Obviously, Jinnai had some very mixed up priorities.



Xel, I had you in mind while writing this post.    

[Xel]

OOC~~

Xel, I had you in mind while writing this post.  

Aw. My childhood nickname was Princess Zoot, you know.

Now pardon me, it seems I've had too much sleep.

[MrWhat]

Dr. Yume was getting impatient with The Other's tantalizing hints of a 'Palace Of Infinity.'  She had put out an inter-library loan request for any and all resources on the subject.

Sadly, the Palace seemed to be an unusually mysterious place.  The sum total knowledge of centuries of post-Holy War research turned out to be three books, all three of which were lost; two holographic projectors, both of which were busted; and a few illegibible notes that Dr. Schtalubaugh had scribbled on a cocktail napkin.

And so, Yume went back to rebuilding her playing card fortress.

A few hours later, after making sure Yakage wasn't anywhere nearby, Yume put the last card in place.  Then she scurried off to fetch her camera, in order to take a picture of her creation before someone else came along and wrecked it.

Sadly again, someone else came along and wrecked it because of the camera.

Yume composed her frame, focused on her subject, checked the light meter, and opened the shutter.  The next thing she knew, her playing card fortress had been wrecked by a drop-dead sexy yet loveably wacky Yggdrasil goddess, wearing only a black spandex bikini, a few loose wide belts, half-gloves and heavy boots, and a pair of cheap Groucho Marx glasses.

Yume slowly lowered her camera, hung her head and sighed.  "Aw, man!..."

"You theenk you have eet bad?" asked Peorth.  "You are not le femme with half ze deck of cards jammed up her dainty derrière."


Fatora had somehow traced the ninjas back to the seminary.  She and Alielle now stood before the heavy wooden doors at the front gate of the seminary.  Fatora had decided to try a simple and straightforward approach, despite what had happened when Alielle had banged on the front doors in The Alternative World.

Fatora banged on the seminary doors.  "As the junior princess of Roshtaria, I demand that you open these doors immediately!!"

Sadly for Fatora and Alielle, the gate-keeper had seen one too many Bugs Bunny cartoons.  The door fell open like a drawbridge, squishing Fatora and Alielle under it.

When the door was pulled shut again, Fatora and Alielle were lying spread-eagled in two shallow lesbian-shaped holes in the ground.  Alielle's eyes had gone all swirly, and she was making cute little "owie" noises.

But Fatora bolted up, shaking her fist at the seminary.  "Oh, you won't get rid of us that easily!"

The gate-keeper shouted back at Fatora from behind the doors.  Apparently she had also seen one too many Monty Python films.  "I call your door-opening request a silly thing, you tiny-brained wipers of other people's bottoms!"  

Fatora jumped to her feet, plucked Alielle up from the ground, and stormed away.  "C'mon, Alielle.  Let's head back to the bath-house.  It's my turn to tend to your wounds.  And then, it's time to craft a Cunning Plan^TM!!"


Yume held out a hand, and helped Peorth down from the card table.  "So tell me, dear," asked Yume.  "why the cheap Groucho Marx glasses?"

Peorth hissed.  "SSSHH!!  Zees is my cuneeng disguise."

"Ohh-kay," said Yume.

"Zere are certain partees from wheech I weesh to conceal myself.  Eef zey knew I was performeeng le reconnaissance, ze theengs could get uglee."

Yume raised an eyebrow.  "What the heck are you talkin' 'bout?--"

"YU YUME!! ME"

"YEEEK!!" said Yume.  "Erm, hold that thought, dear."

Yume turned away from Peorth.  As Peorth began to sweat-drop, Yume began to talk to thin air again.  "Well, whad'ya want now?  I can't perform deus ex machina any more.  My Creterian Eye of God is gone."

"Nev Never mind that.  I have reason to believe a certain counter-agent has begun to act against us.  Have you noticed anything unusual lately? lee"

"Yer gonna have to be a lot more specific than that, hon."

"Very Very well.  A certain Yggdrasil goddess has left her station, and completely disappeared.  I cannot locate her, so she must be in cunning disguise.  But in her usual form, she wears a black spandex bikini, a few loose wide belts, half-gloves and heavy boots.  And she does not wear glasses. ses"

Yume hesitated.  She glanced at Peorth.  Then she thought about how The Other had refused to tell her about this damned Palace of Infinity thingy, and she remembered the thinly veiled threats to find another agent.

And then, she made her choice.  "Nope.  Haven't seen anyone like that around here."

The Other also hesitated.

"We We see.  Well, that was all.  We won't bother you further, Yume. me"

"What was zees?" Peorth asked, after a moment of silence.

Yume turned back to Peorth, with a sad yet wry little smile, and another question.  "Didja just hear that 'click' sound?  Like the sound of a heavy switch?"

Peorth blinked.  "Non."

"Well," Yume said, "that was the sound of me switching teams.  And you'd better fasten some of those belts.  Not to mix my metaphors, but we're both in for a bumpy ride."


Kauru opened her eyes, and stirred in place.  Fujisawa put an arm around her, and helped her to a sitting position.

She took a look at herself, and gasped.  "Wha-- what's happened!?  Why am I wearing yellow skin paint, googly eyeglasses, gloves with three fingers, and-- a bumble bee costume!?  And why do I have a sudden craving for tequila!?  No es bueno!  No me gusta!  Ay, que lastima!  Dios no me ama!"

Miz gulped.  "Darling?  What's happened to poor sweet little Kauru now?"

Fujisawa sighed.  "Apparently the current writer tried to go in the opposite direction of what was intended again."


The Doctor had spread a map of Floristica over his coffeehouse table.  Tina stood at his side, also studying the map.

"Now," the Doctor said, "the last time I visited your planet-- er, I mean, your city?  I left something behind.  Something that originally came from my planet-- er, I mean, my tribe."

"Why did you do that?" Tina asked.

"Because, instead of coming up with a proper plot development for us, the current writer is just going to rip off Remembrance Of The Daleks."

"Huh?" said Tina.

"Never mind.  Now, I left the thing hidden here," he pointed it out on the map, "under this low viaduct.  Do you know if the viaduct is still there?"

"Yes, I think so," Tina said.  "But I have two questions.  Exactly what is it that you left behind?"

"Something that can help us deal with this-- Mouth of God, you called it?  It's too powerful to attack directly, but the thing that I left behind should buy El-Hazard some time.  And it should stop the awful jokes, at least.  It's-- The Heckler Of Rassilon."

"Ohh-kay," said Tina.

"What was your other question, dear?"

"Vhy a duck?"

"No, Tina.  A viaduct."

"That's what I want to know.  Vhy a duck?  Why not a chicken?"

The Doctor hung his head and groaned.  He had only just got the girl off the "Who's Eddie?" jokes, and now she was quoting the Marx Brothers.


One of Nahato's minions slowly and painfully struggled into the chamber where Nahato was currently varnished to the floor.  He gasped to see Nahato's current predicament.  "Lord Nahato!!  What has Lady Jinnistacia done to you!?

"*mmmph*" said Nahato.

Fortunately, the minion was fluent in *mmmph*.  "Oh.  I see.  Yes, it would seem that the Phantom Tribe has been reduced to comedy relief again."

"*mmmph*"

"No, Lord Nahato.  I cannot let go of my ankles.  Lady Jinnistacia super-glued my hands to my ankles like this.  I suspect that she is also responsible for gluing the 'Kick Me' sign to my butt."

"*mmmph*"

"Yes, my lord.  I fear that all of the surviving Phantom Tribe have been super-glued into awkward and humiliating positions."

"*mmmph*"

"Yes, even the poor dear with the make-up kit-- er, I mean, the Anti Nanami Defense Screen.  In fact... did you know, I'd heard her say earlier that she liked Bill, and was thinking of asking him on a date?"

"*mmmph*"

"Well, Lady Jinnistacia stripped both her and Bill, and completely super-glued them together.  I wish my first dates were that much fun."

"*mmmph*"

"Please try not to have a nosebleed, Lord Nahato.  I can't give you a tissue, what with my hands superglued to my ankles like this."

"*mmmph*"

"Yes, it would seem that the creepy fan-service is back.  But the current writer had hinted that some of it might return with Peorth's cross-over."

"*mmmph*"

"Well, for what it's worth, I had no idea that Lady Jinnistacia was such a weird-ass demon god, either.  We knew that she had a technique creation technique... but we obviously didn't know that she was activated by giving her a new face made out of latex... and we sure as shootin' didn't know that she sprayed super-glue out of her power-key-staff."

"*mmmph*"

"We could try to get her back, Lord Nahato.  I saw on one of our running computers, as I slowly and painfully struggled to your side, that someone named 'Yume' had put her, and a three-eyed male demon-god, up on eBay."

"*MMMPH!!*"

"No, my lord.  I don't want her back, either.  I just thought I'd mention it.  Not a lot else I can do, what with my hands superglued to my ankles like this."

"*mmmph*"

[d.t.]

Mice With Hats Capital City

"You're saying out main army," cried Gen-chan, "couldn't stand up to a petting zoo?"

The assembled mice with hats, many sporting fresh bandages, looked extremely embarassed.

"This is just pitiful.  This means that we have failed to secure a fresh cheese supply," continued Gen-chan.  "I'm very disappointed boys."

"Squeeeek..." replied the mice with hats forlornly.  They hung their heads in shame.

"Don't give their failure another thought, King Gen-Chan!"  All heads turned to watch Millie swagger in, her new cape billowing out behind her, a confident smirk upon her face, and something mysterious and brown in her left hand.  A squad of rodents of unusual size were tromping along behind her.

The effect was ruined by the fact that, while it is possible to swagger while ducking down low to avoid banging your head, it just doesn't look as cool.  

"Lady Millie!" cooed Gen-chan, holding a paw to his heart.  "You have returned!"

"Indeed I have, my King!" grinned Millie.  She did her best to put a foot on the edge of the royal dias, in shameless parody of Diva and Jinnai.  "Never fear!  As long as the Bugrom do not penetrate the undercity, Roshtaria will fall."

Gen-Chan rubbed his chin thoughtfully, slight worry evident in his features.  "However, it's only a matter of time before Bugrom workers decide to give the sewers an overhaul... its all in dreadful shape, especially the viaducts."

Millie's grin widened.  "No Matter!  Heh heh heh..." then she got into the spirit, and gave a full fledged Jinnai laugh, banging her head on the ceiling in the process.  "Ow, dengit."  She recovered quickly enough to call her sanity into question, pressing her nose to Gen-chan's as she went on.  "What can sewer workers do?  We'll just obtain the greatest weapon imaginable!  A weapon strong enough to beat any construction crews!"

Gen-Chan rubbed his brows worriedly.  As a matter of fact, there was a slight patch of fur that was getting a little on the thin side because he was rubbing his brows so often.  "Super... weapon?  We're mice!  Where the heck are we going to find-" and then he noticed what was in millie's hand.  His eyes widened with fear and awe.  "Oh!  Is that...?!"

Millie thrust the package high.  "Yes," she sneered, "It's... a package that some of your men found!  And according to the label, there's some sort of book in it!  I mean... it could be about a really powerful weapon.  You never know..."

Gen-Chan clutched his chest and felt a slight tingling in his left paws.  "Oh no!  But packages with books in them are the source of all evil in the sewers!"

Millie blinked.  "That made no sense.  Explain."

Gen-Chan sighed.  "Well, many generations ago we found a package.  A book was inside it.  Some of the younger mice used it to learn to read... and thus the skill entered our Tribe.  But more recently, alas, books in packages have brought great sorrow to our people."  The mice with hats looked sadly at some of the side tunnels.  "For instance, one day Princess Rune threw an unopened package with a book in it into the sewers.  Naturally we assumed it to be a book on leadership, and I commissioned a number of our priestesses to read it and learn its secrets."

Millie sat down, indian-style, and sipped some tea that had conveniently appeared.  "Ahuh?"

"Well, not long after, they broke away from the main Mice With Hats tribe and formed a dreaded sect based on what they had learned in that terrible book... 'How to brainwash women and turn them into your love slaves'."

"Squeek," said one of the mice, shuddering.

"Did you say female ninja mice with hats?"

"Squeek," the mouse replied, nodding.

It took Millie a good few seconds to get her head around that one.  "Crumbs," she said eventually, unable to think of anything else.

"Indeed," agreed Gen Chan, "and then there was the horrors caused by 'Build Your Own Mice Traps', and the terrifying 'Adorable Cats Calendar'.  Not to mention '1001 uses for a dead rat'."

"Yikes."

"Then there was Dr. Schtalubaugh's books on Ancient's genetics and electricty.  You don't even want to know the havoc those ones caused."

"Pika," said someone, very firmly.

"And yesterday," squeeked Gen-Chan gravely, pointing to a package in the corner, "we found a doujinshi of Makoto and Jinnai."

Millie picked up the doujin and flipped through it.  She raised an eyebrow, then, carefully, reverently, put the book back in its wrapping.  She noted that it had apparently been ordered from some obscure seminary.  Well, they had to make money somehow, she supposed.  She dabbed at her nosebleed with her cape.  "Yes, well," she went on, once the bleeding had stopped, "I'm sure there's nothing bad in this."  She put the package down in front of her and started immediately to open it.

*****

"Halt!"  cried the guard.  He had once been a lowly Social Secretary slash Special Aide to the File Clerk, third class.  But thanks the the new regime he was now a palace guard, which, frankly, involved a lot less paperwork, and a lot more standing around and daydreaming while the Bugrom did all the work.  He had been looking forward to raiding one of the lesser known pantries, and claiming he was just searching for possible threats to the Bugrom Empire.  He never expected to find an actual threat to the Bugrom Empire.

"Yes?" replied Princess Rune.

"Princess... erm.. Princess Rune!  I arrest you in the name of the-"

Rune interrupted, saying "You realize the other group beat you to it, right?"

The guard blinked.  "What?  Wait... wha?  What other group?"

Rune shook her head and clucked her tongue.  She looked at Afura mournfully.  "See?  He's part of the new palace guards, and he has no idea what the new imperial guards are up to.  No wonder they're so far behind."

The guard looked around, confused.  "Imperial guards?  Wait, we're behind?"

Rune sighed and began walking around the man, stooped over slightly.  "I suppose you were planning on arresting me and presenting me to the Bugrom Queen to curry favor, hmmm?"

"Well... yes?"

Rune shook her head.  "They're way ahead of you.  Sounds like they have all of your group's plans.  They may have spies in your group."

"Spies in the Palace Guards?"

"Judging from how well they know your plans, I'd say its very likely."  Peorth and Tina weren't the only ones that could channel a Marx.

The guard looked around, worried.  He didn't even know there were imperial guards!  This whole 'guard' thing was so new to him.  "What should we do?" he asked.

"Keep quiet about our little encounter.  Don't let them know you're catching up... don't let them know you're on to them."  She leaned in close, whispering in the guard's ear.  He was practically sweating by now.  "Keep a close eye on your comrades... try to figure out which ones are on their side.  They don't know you're onto them, that's an advantage!"

He shook her hand gratefully, telling her a thousand times how much he owed her, and how he would do everything she said.  And then he ran off.

Rune watched him go.  

"If everyone working around here is that stupid, we'll be back in charge in no time."

Dr. Schtalubaugh frowned deeply.  How did someone so smart manage to get engaged to the most obvious villain since Snidely Whiplash?

*****

As Millie stared at the little black disc inside the pacakge, hair-thin cracks began appearing on its smooth surface.  The mice with hats hissed in a threatening manner, but Millie stood her ground, quickly figuring out that this thingy was simply unfolding itself.

It was amazing, like watching one of those so difficult to make Raddish Rosettes being crafted by an invisible chef.

And then there was just the bird, floating there.  It was a large bird, insofar as that it was small bird, which was to say it was a medium sized bird, or maybe not.

It was about the same shade of something as something else, except that it wasn't that color at all.

Millie frowned.  There was something a mite peculiar about it, but darned if she could put her finger on what.

It vanished.  The world turned ultra-black, then a lighter shade of pale, and then a nasty tint of salty.

It appeared again.

"Excuse me," it said. "I need to calibrate myself to this universe. Can you hear me when I say this?"

"When you say what?"

"Very good," said the Guide. "What about this?" It said in a higher pitch.

"Erm... yes?"

"How about this?" it boomed in a voice like mountains colliding.

"Don't do that, and yes!"

Silence for a few moments, followed by the bird saying "Well, it would seem you can't hear that.  Okay, moving on..."

And then it began to do some very peculiar things with space time, asking Lillie what she saw each time.  One moment it looked like it was extending into infinity, one moment it was a singularity, one moment it was a zillion birds, one moment it was actually a moment, and one moment it was something so dizzying that Millie and the mice had to lay down.

The bird nodded, having correctly gauged the senses of beings in this reality.

"What are you?" demanded Millie, thrusting a finger at it.

"I am The Guide.  I was built with no filters.  I percieve all along the axis of probability.  

"I control high-energy Particle Interactions and can rework Equilibrium Quantum Born Rule Processes.  I can move superstrings.  I can rotate black holes.  The fermions at vertices and gauge bosons at links which make up your reality are mine to control.  I am that which can make white holes.  I am that which can unmake white holes.  I possess Quantum Consciousness, I use NonEquilibrium Quantum Processes.  I see all the non-orthogonal quantum states, yet do not affect them.  I am a violation of the Born rule, the Heisenberg uncertainty principle, and Murphy's Law.  I know," it paused, "all results.  

"But aside from that... what I am is hard to explain."

Millie stared at it, google-eyed.  "WHAT?" she demanded.

"I am the Guide.  I am omnipotent and omniscient.  I can do anything you ask me to.  I am god.  Some of what I just said is true.  Y'ain't never had a friend like me."

Actually, the reason it had paused was that it didn't know all results.  Not here.  Not like it should.  It still saw all along the probability matrix, it still knew how to play Chaos Theory like a tamborine, but it could no longer see the future.

It found itself wondering why not, and immediately knew the answer.  Tachyon interference.  Someone in the future was creating a veritible squall of tachyons.  Faster than light particles with negative mass... that moved backwards through time, making the future cloudy.  Interesting.  An actual challenge.  

Millie poked The Guide with her finger, apparently not understanding just how dangerous it was.  "You do what I say?  I'm your master?  And you can do anything?"

"Yes, yes, and very much yes."

Millie grinned.  "We want to take over the world!"

The Guide nodded.  This was part of what it did, making people think it was working for them, leading them along, making it look like they were getting what they wanted.  And then, when the poor fools had contributed enough to The Goal (in this case the elimination of any Time Lords in the area, thus allowing The Other to fulfill its plans), things would go very pear shaped for them.

"Very well then," it explained, "this is what you have to do..."

[MrWhat]

Dall-III stood in the back room of a recently-rebuilt restaurant, in one of the more seedy districts of the Floristica palace-town.  He hung his head and slumped his shoulders.  He found himself almost wishing that he was back in the spider-hole, rather than be reduced from Emperor of Creteria to this.

Ryoko stood in front of him.  She tugged at his apron and straightened it, then reached up and straightened the little paper hat that he was wearing.  "Ready for your first day as dish-washer, hon?"

"I thought you said we had enough gold for a few months," Dall whined.  "Why do I have to get a job so soon?"

Ryoko sighed.  "Well, unless you weren't planning to live longer than a few months, you're going to have to get a job, sooner or later.  Ya might as well jump in now, and get used to a commoner's life.  And there's no shame in a honest hard day's work.  Heh, as if the current writer has ever actually worked for a living."

"And I thought we were fugitives on the run.  I can't be seen in public--"

"You won't be, hon.  I assigned you to washing dishes.  And the other workers don't care if you're a fugitive.  Heck, in a frowzy joint like this, most of 'em probably got criminal records longer than--"

"Wait a minute!" Dall suddenly said.  "What do you mean, you assigned me to washing dishes?"

"Oh, didn't I tell you, hon?  Hang on a minute--"

Ryoko phased away, and almost immediately phased back.  She was now wearing an apron and a little paper hat too.  "I got a co-manager position for myself here too.  Isn't it great?"

"You mean!...  I'm working for you!?...  And I have to do what you tell me to do... even here!?"

"Yup," Ryoko said.  "And don't expect any special treatment.  I expect you to break as many plates as any other employee... Dall?  What is it?"

Dall sniffled a few times.  Then he fell to his knees with a thud, grabbed Ryoko by the waist, and began to cry like a little boy that had had his lunch money stolen.  The idea of working for the domineering Ryoko had finally broken him.

Ryoko grimaced.  "Aw, shoot.  I'm sorry, honey.  Too much teasing, huh?"

"Yuh-- yeah," Dall sobbed.

Ryoko patted his head.  "Tell ya what.  Why don't we blow this place off, and look for new jobs tomorrow.  Maybe we can find something that we can enjoy doing together.  Maybe we can make a proper fresh start together, huh?

"But let's not worry 'bout it now.  Let's get some ice cream, and go to the public park, and eat the ice cream while we look at pretty flowers.  And I'll give you a nice back-rub while I apologize a few more times.  How does that sound, sweetie?"

"'Kay," Dall whimpered.


The sun began to set on an unconscious (original) Ifurita and Ishiel.

Ishiel finally stirred.  She got her arms under her, and woozily sat up.  She held her head for a moment, and rubbed at her eyes.  Then she finally opened her eyes, and took a look at herself.

For once, she wasn't naked.  And, strangely enough, it was disappointing.  Not just to the fan-boys, but even to Ishiel herself, in a strange way.

Ishiel hung her head, with a sad little chuckle.  So, she thought.  It's true.  I'm a background character again.  I'm not even important enough to the story to provide gratuitous fan service any more.

She dragged herself to her feet, took a look around, and saw Makoto's Ifurita lying nearby, her key-staff at her side.  Ah well, she thought.  One last plot advancement, before I go.

Ishiel walked up to Ifurita's side, took up her key-staff and set it home.  But she performed only a partial recharge.  That way, Ifurita would wake up more slowly, and Ishiel would be gone before she woke up.  Ishiel wasn't in the mood for talking.  Besides, she thought, I'm not even important enough to properly recharge a demon god, now.

After she gave the key-staff about half a dozen turns, she gently pulled it away, and laid it at Ifurita's side again.

Then Ishiel went back to where she herself had fallen, and took up her permanently-downgraded Great Lamp Of Earth.  She set it on her shoulder, holding it with one hand.  Its weight felt comfortable, like an old friend... but still, it just wasn't the same.  It felt like a prop-- like something a background character might hold.

She looked to the sky above her.  At least I was reduced to a background character in a happy fun Yakage sort of way, she thought.  Mmm, Yakage.  Mama likes...

Ah well, she thought again.  It was fun, while it lasted, wasn't it?  And I shouldn't complain.  I got a lot more than an obscure character from an obscure video game based on an obscure franchise could hope for.  Heck, I was practically the... main character... for once.  For just... a short time...

Ishiel hung her head, held a hand over her eyes, and allowed herself just a few tears.

Then she rubbed at her eyes with her free hand, and raised her face to the horizon.  Enough, she thought.  It's enough.  It was enough.  But now... it's time to go.  It's time to exit stage left.

And then, Ishiel Soel, Rogue Priestess Of Earth and Background Character, walked into the sunset, and returned to obscurity.  The camera slowly irised out with her, possibly for the last time.


The sun rose on what might first seem to be a Las Vegas honeymoon suite.

Makoto stirred.  He found himself tangled in blankets, pillows cast aside, on a bed that wasn't actually meant for comfortable sleeping.  What happened?, he thought, still half-asleep.

And then, he remembered, with both a happy smile and a modest blush.  Oh, Ifurita!, he thought.  You must have given me another dose of Bugrom serum...  No.  You must have... permanently cured me.  The poison is gone from my body.  I can... feel it.  But how?...

Oh well, Makoto thought.  No matter.  It's wonderful.  And... it was wonderful.  Thank goodness it was you that gave it to me--

And then, Makoto felt a cold chill that fully woke him up, and the bottom fell out of his stomach.  Oh no, he thought.  Oh God.  It wasn't Ifurita.

He struggled out of bed, hastily pulled on his britches, and threw his shirt on without doing it up, leaving it open in a lovely bishounen kind of way.  Then he went to a set of sliding window doors, behind long curtains, in the far wall of the room.

As soon as he pulled the curtains aside to open the doors, he saw her.

Ifurita-3 was wearing a fuzzy white hotel robe.  She stood barefoot, with her back to the glass doors, leaning against a railing in a lovely bishoujo kind of way, watching the sun rise.

Makoto stepped through the glass doors, closed them behind him, and went to her side.  He glanced at her, then leaned against the railing beside her.

Neither of them spoke for some time.  They both knew what the other was thinking, without speaking, without looking at each other, without even using Makoto's ability.

Ifurita-3 finally spoke.  "Makoto?  It was wonderful."

"Yes," Makoto said.  "It was."

"I could never think of something so wonderful as a mistake.  For whatever reason, we were fated to share one night of love.  And... well, this may sound ridiculous, but... it was beautiful, Makoto.  It was... magic.  It... was..."

Ifurita-3 hung her head, and sniffled.  Makoto looked to her with a worried expression, and took a step towards her.

"Oh, Makoto.  How can I be so selfish?  I want... more.  I want every night to be like that.  I want every morning, every day, to be like this.  I want what I have never had.  I want... what my sisters have..."

She began to cry.  "Oh!  How can I say such things?  I was meant to be alone!  To be alone, forever!  I should leave now, to be alone for the rest of eternity, with tbe memories of one wonderful night..."

Makoto embraced her, and held her like a friend.  She quietly sobbed into his shoulder, clutching at his shoulders, not yet ready to be alone again.  And  Makoto hung his head, pressing his face into her hair.  His tears soon ran as freely as her own.


Crow:  Well.  That was... depressing.

Tom:  Yup.  There's nothin' like a triple scoop of angst to suck the life right out of a round robin.

Mike:  Aw, buck up, little campers.  Maybe there'll be some more mud wrestling soon, or something.

[d.t.]

The best things come to those who wait...

For instance, try waiting until after my lousy post.  I'm sure someone else will post something good.

[d.t.]

"Zis may seem like ze silly question, mon ami, but what are we doing?"

Peorth and Yume were seated on front of Master Yume's biggest screen TV.  Yume was putting in a DVD.  "First," said Yume, "let's get this straight.  I am not your 'ami'.  I'm your temporary ally, but in the end I'm looking out for number one.  Second, as a temporary ally, I want your opinion on something."  She sat down on the comfy couch next to the confused goddess.  "With the Creterian military pretty much out
business, I needed a new way to earn cash.  My former ally put my in contact with some like minded people... this is the result."

Peorth had never seen Fatora before.  If she had, then the sight of two giant Fatora clones on the DVD menu would have had more of an effect on her.  "Dear viewer," said Gatora, "thank you for selecting our product.  Remember, if anyone is interested, our facility is open to any female parties.  If you do visit, you will have to choose whether to submit, with what degree of pleasure you may perhaps not be capable of imagining, to the investigations of my sister and myself."

Yume selected an item from the menu.  Peorth's mouth dropped as she saw, on the very large screen TV, the very realistic robot Dall-3 and Makoto.

"Sacre bleu," she whispered.

"Yep.  Fully functional.  I'm selling my videos through this distributor.  Ooo, watch this, it's anatomically impossible for a human."

Peorth started to reply, but found her throat a bit dry.  She had been intending to start discussing strategy with Yume... but, well, all work and no play makes Peorth a dull goddess.

She daintily dabbed at her nose.  "Jumping Jehozephat on ze pogo stek..."

"Yehah!" replied Yume.

*****

Nahoto quietly soaked in a hastily constructed bath, occasinally scrubbing himself with a pumice stone in an attempt to remove some of the varnish that still seemed to be lingering, even after several rigorous solvent treatments.  Where had things gone wrong?  They were the Phantom Tribe, most feared of all El Hazard's residents.  And now nobody seemed to care about them any more.  It was infuriating, intolerable, and very confusing.  Nahato had believed himself to be as capable a leader as Galus, but ever since he took on leadership of the Phantom Tribe things had been going horribly wrong.  Perhaps it was time to start with a clean slate, develop an entirely new strategy for defeating their enemies...

"Nahato..."

The Phantom Tribe boy sprung to his feet and assumed a defensive stance, years of training allowing him to keep his balance despite the slippery bath.  He quickly surveyed the room, pushing all his senses to their maximum.  He had ordered all his men not to disturb him, which meant either that he would have to deal with some disobediant fool, or else face an intruder.

Except there was nobody there.  Puzzled, the boy began to get out of the bath, to see if perhaps the voice belonged to someone outside.

"Nahato..."

Again he fell into a defensive stance, eyes darting about, trying to find the mysterious speaker.  And yet... it was almost as if the words had come from nowhere at all, meeting his brain without having been introduced to his ears.  Moreover, the voice sounded much like one he clearly remembered.  But it couldn't be...

"Nahato... It is Galus.  Can you hear me?"

Nahato growled deep in his throat.  "Whoever you are, I will find you.  And you will pay for impersonating my Lord Galus... your death will be a slow one."

Nahato heard the non-voice chuckle darkly, as his master used to.  "Dear loyal Nahato.  Shall I prove myself?  Do you recall when we were preparing to activate the Eye of God?  I asked you if you wanted to know the full extent of my plans.  I told you that you had a right to know-"

"And I told you I didn't care," replied Nahato breathlessly, "that I was happy merely serving you.  It is you, your Majesty?  But how?"

"Ah... During the battle against Arjah, my physical body was destroyed - impaled upon a spire of Ancient technology and burned to ash.  But the spire seems to have absorbed my mind somehow... downloaded it.  It has taken time, but I am now able to communicate telepathically.  Moreover, being connected to this piece of Ancient technology has taught me much.  I know now how we can have our revenge."

"My Lord Galus... merely let us know how we may serve you!"  Nahato positively shivered with joy.  Yes!  Galus had returned!  The Phantom Tribe could do proper villanous things again, and quit mucking about as comedic relief!  Oh frabjous day!  Callooh!  Callay!

"Patience, dear Nahato.  This plan will take time to prepare... Tell me, do you recall the early missions we assigned the half-breed to?"

"The traitor Ishiel?  Yes, I remember.  She completed them satisfactorily."

"Indeed she did.  The scientists will have to begin work at once-"

"Of course sire!"  Nahato practically ran out the door, eager to assemble a science team to begin the new plan.  An awkward psychic pause resulted.

"Nahato, you may wish to put some clothes on before speaking to the scientists..."

*****  


Nanami couldn't help herself.  She pulled on the wing again.  Kauru shrieked in pain and shot Nanami a "why would you do such a horrible thing?" style glance.  "¡Aye, no me gusta! ¿Por qué hay dolor?"

Yep.  It was a real wing.

Nanami looked up at Miz, Fujisawa-sensei, and Ifurina, voicing what they were all thinking.  "This is just too weird."  The swelling was starting to go down, as were the inflammed eyes, but there could be no getting around the fact that Kauru seemed to have one less finger, antennae, wings, and yellow-and-brown skin.

That and she was speaking in Spanish.

"Hmmmmm..." grunted Fujisawa-sensei, folding his arms across his chest, an expression of extreme concentration on his face.  "Hmmmm..."

Miz, concerned for her successor's well-being, poked him on the elbow.  "What is it, Darling?  Do you know what's happening now?"

"Hmmmm... Nope, no clue."

"Darling..." Miz trailed off, giving Kauru another long look.  She leaned in close to her husband's ear.  "Darling, this is horrible!  Now she'll never find a husband!  Well, maybe a kinky one, but there's no guarantees!  We haven't had any conventions in the area for years!"

Kauru began bawling, rubbing her eyes with her hands.  "¿Por qué? ¿Por qué? ¿Por qué son todas mis memorias malas?"  Her hand shot out like a striking cobra, grabbing Nanami by the collar and pulling the Earth girl close.  "¿Y," she growled, "dónde es mi tequilla?"

"I think," gasped Nanami, who was finding it hard to breathe with Kauru grabbing her like this, "That she wants this 'tequilla' stuff!"

"Hmmmmm..." grunted Fujisawa-sensei again, once more folding his arms across his chest, an expression of extreme concentration on his face.  "Hmmmm... there is no tequilla on El-Hazard that I know of.  But for this girl's well-being, I will do my best to find a similar alcoholic alcoholic beverage!"

Miz grabbed her husband firmly by the earlobe.  "Not just now, Darling.  Nanami, take Kauru to get some clean clothes on, she looks like she's been knocked senseless by ancient technology, thrown into a volcano, and used as an avatar by some ancient force.  Ifurina and I will make her something to eat.  Darling, set the table and look after the baby."

Fujisawa-sensei hung his head at being deprived a chance to try out different liquors.  "Hai," he sighed, trudging off to find the guest dinnerware.

"But... but..." stammered Ifurina, "what about the evil bugs?"

"They'll have to get their own food, I'm not sharing," replied Miz, "besides we can deal with them later.  What're they going to do, start taking over the capital?"

"GAK!" said Nanami, who was turning rather blue.

*****

Speaking of blue...

Nahato (fully dressed) watched his unglued assistants at work (sans Bill and his new girlfriend, who were still taking cold showers).  They were in one of the larger chambers underneath Kingfisher, surrounded by humming machines that had been quickly moved from nearby facilities.  His chest swelled with pride at the way his people always seemed to bounce back.  Why, it wasn't long ago that this mountain had been looted of most of its technology, yet there was already a fully functional lab at his disposal!  Truly the ingenuity of the Phantom Tribe insured their success.  At first they had been reluctant to believe Galus was back... until they began recieving telepathic messages, reminding them of embarassing past indiscretions Galus knew of (the Phantom Tribe's annual Christmas Party was part of a number of these stories) and the need to follow their leaders without question.

Nahato leaned in for a closer look at the machine on front of him.  It was so obvious really, he was annoyed that he hadn't thought of it himself.  Part of Ishiel's training had been to steal small items from those around her at the seminary.  Then she had been given more difficult tasks, stealing from senior priestesses.  In addition, the Phantom Tribe had been carefully collecting items used by the Earthers - in order to examine their genetic material and understand the source of their strange abilities.  The Jinnais had proved the most difficult, although a raid on the Shinonome Diner while she was away turned up some old clothes of Nanami's.  But while they had thought to examine the genetic structure of their enemies, they had never thought to copy it.

Ishiel had been the prototype, a Human-Phantom Tribe hybrid, created using genetically superior cells they had uncovered in a cache of Ancient technology.  But now they were ready for the next stage- Phantom Tribe hybrids of their worst enemies.  

A number of large glass tubes protruded from the machine Nahato was examining.  And in some of those tubes, suspended in semi-transparent liquid nutrients, were blue-skinned children that looked almost as old as Nahato.  Of course it was necessary to slow down the accelerated growing process slightly at this stage.  Otherwise there was a chance that they might damage the mental programming that the children were undergoing, in order to insure that they would be utterly loyal and efficient soldiers when they were fully grown.  Each container was labeled according to the cell donor:  Makoto, Nanami, Fujisawa, Shayla, Afura, Miz, Ishiel, Crayna, Alielle, Kauru... they were even growing a blue-furred Ura-clone, just because they had the DNA on file.

Blue... of course with Ishiel they had taken steps to make sure she would not resemble a Phantom Tribe member.  They had wanted her as a spy.  But these warriors were to be the instruments of the Phantom Tribe's revenge, it was only fitting that their blue-skinned heritage be dominant.

Grinning like the cat that ate the canary, Nahato left the great chamber and entered a smaller sub-lab where a number of engineers were hard at work, following the instructions that were being delivered directly to their minds, detailing how to contruct perfect copies of the ring of water, lamp of fire, lamp of earth, and lamp of air.  Nahato sensed that this was where his Master was.

"Lord Galus?" he called out to thin air.

"Ah, Nahato.  All is well in the cloning chamber?"

"Yes, Lord Galus.  But I have a concern, your Majesty."  There had been a time when he would never have questioned Galus, but being a leader in his own right had created habits difficult to break.  "Surely we will have no problem with the priestesses or humans.  But what of the demon goddess?"

Nahato was answered with another mental chortle.  "Do not be concerned about that.  Did the scientists detect anything strange about the current Great Priestess of Water's DNA?"

Nahato nodded.  "They had, my lord.  But she is of an unknown Tribe, we expected some abnormalities."

Another chuckle.  "Thanks to recent events, the real Priestesses' DNA has been changed, removing those abnormalities.  The sample, however, is old enough to retain them - and the power they promise.  Built into that girl's DNA is a link to the Ancient's Technology.  And we are now adding to her DNA a loyalty to our tribe.  Imagine the power, Nahato!

"The lamp of water should go to the clone of the former Priestess of Water.  That girl's link to the Ancient's technology should provide us with weapons to fight a demon god."

Nahato bowed his head, ashamed to have questioned his master, but still curious.  "Lord Galus... what shape will our revenge take?"

"The most delicious irony imaginable.  We will venture into Bugrom territory.  In a secret laboratory there is hidden a powerful weapon - a Cloud of Tears generator.  It creates nanomachines on a vast scale.  We will use the machine, Nahato..."

Nahato felt the hairs on the back of his neck prickle in anticipation.  "Sir?"

"We will use the machine, to change the people of El-Hazard, one city at a time.  We will make them like us, Nahato.  Let them know the suffering of being in a world where they do not belong!"


*****

Nanami nervously stepped into the kitchen, rubbing her neck (which was still a bit red).  The others were cooking, sweeping, and snoring away peacefully, lost in their own private worlds.  Nanami coughed.  "Erm... about Kauru..."

"She hasn't made herself a cacoon, has she?" asked Ifurina, not even looking up from her sweeping.

"What?  No!  No, she's just... well, I did my best.  And ont-de ention-me her eyes-ay.

Kauru stepped out from the shadows, shyly folding her four-fingered hands over her lap.

"Hola," she said quietly.

Everyone was staring at her eyes, which, in the last few minutes, had gone rather red.  And multisegmented.

"Jumping Jehosephat on a pogo stick!" said Ifurina.

Kauru cried.  "No es bueno!"

*****

Nahato was watching the cloning chambers impatiently.  Of course they could accelerate the process, but there was a great deal of information that these clones would need to be better than the originals on the battlefield.  No, clones made too fast would only be good at relatively menial...

Nahato's hand shot out like a striking cobra, grabbing a passing scientist by the shirt and pulling the man close.  "New orders!  You are to prepare another two... no, three clones!  Bare minimum programing, simple obedience and servitude.  Use the hated axe-weilding earther's DNA.  And tell the costume designers to work on something suitably flimsy and degrading."  He permitted himself a small laugh.  Nothing said revenge like being waited on hand and foot by blue-skinned slave-clones of your enemy.  Nothing but...
Nahato's hand shot out like a striking cobra, again grabbing the poor scientist by the shirt and pulling the man close.  "Also," said Nahato, "another three clones, same programming, but this time use the earth boy!"

*****

The Other was only slightly happy.  Impersonating Galus had been much less fun than pretending to be Peorth.  But at least it meant they hadn't spent all that time spying on that freak Galus for nothing.

[MrWhat]

The strange yet beautiful creature formerly known as Kauru Taurus had left the Fujisawas' rural hideaway.  She needed some time to herself, in order to try to work out exactly what her self was, any more.

She was grateful that her latest transformation seemed to have spontaneously healed all her past injuries.  In fact, she found that she now possessed amazing inhuman strength.

And she could fly.  Her strange yet beautiful new wings proved to be fully functional.  She was aimlessly drifting over the nearby village possessed by the alien Bugrom.

But... why?  Why had she suddenly become this... thing, albeit after a few false starts? What purpose could her strange yet beautiful new form serve?  Why oh why!?

Kauru suddenly wailed with anguish.  "¿POR QUÉ!?"

She clapped her hands over her mouth, but it was too late.  She had attracted the attention of a single Bugrom-possessed villager, patrolling the empty streets just below her.

But then, Kauru suddenly understood why.  She had just instinctively found her purpose.

She swooped down, tackled the villager, pinned him to the ground face-down... and sat on his head.

Kauru gasped as she felt a very long and fine stinger poke through the waist of her britches.  It emerged from the base of her spine, about where a demon-god's key-staff socket would be, and its very tip painlessly injected itself into the villager's neck.

She gasped again as she felt a single drop of her own genetically-altered (and who-knows how-else altered) spinal fluid pass through her stinger, to enter the villager's own nervous system.

Kauru stood up, releasing the villager.  He glared at her as he stumbled to his feet.  "What have you done to me, you hideous freak!?  I shall take you to my Queen, and... ah... hah... HAH... ATCHOO!!"

The villager and Kauru both looked down at the ground, and realized, in unison, that the villager had just painlessly sneezed a dead alien Bugrom out of his brain-pan.  Kauru's spinal fluid sting had cured him of his possession.

"EEEWW!!" said the villager and Kauru, in unison.

Then the villager looked back to Kauru with deep gratitude.  "Oh, you've saved me!  I can't thank you enough for what you've done!"

"De nada," said Kauru.


A small humanoid robotic form rose through up through the skies of El-Hazard, to float in front of the Mouth of God.  It wore dishevelled clothes, and it sported a five-o'clock shadow.  It seemed... angry, somehow.  It also seemed to be holding a mostly-empty bottle of cheap beer, and smoking a politically-incorrect cigarette.

"Hey, thanks for coming to the show," the Mouth of God said.  "So, you've just flown in, huh?  I'll bet your arms are tired."

"YOU SUCK!!" yelled the Heckler of Rassilon.

The Mouth of God sweat-dropped, and, mercifully, shut up.


The Doctor and Tina looked to the skies, with the satisfaction of a job well done.

"That'll give us a few days," the Doctor said, "to find some help, and find a way to shut the Mouth of God permanently.  But first, would you join me for a late breakfast, Tina?  My treat, for guiding me through the new city to the vhy-a-duck."

Tina smiled.  "Thank you, Doctor.  How about that cheese shop?  It looks nice and cozy."

The Doctor and Tina walked into the shop, past a Mouse Wearing A Hat that was playing a bouzouki.  "Good heavens," the Doctor said.  "I didn't know they had bouzouki music in El-Hazard...  Good morning!"

Millie came to the counter.  "Good morning, sir!" she said cheerfully.  "Welcome to the Mice Wearing Hats' National Cheese Emporium!  What can I do for you, sir?"

The Doctor doffed his hat politely.  "We'd like to buy some cheese, please."

"Certainly, sir.  What would you like?"

"Well, uh, how about a little red Leicester?"

"I'm afraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir."

"Oh, never mind.  How are you on Tilsit?"

"I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir.  We get it fresh on Monday."

"Tish tish.  No matter.  Well, young missus, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please."

"Ah!  It's been on order, sir, for two weeks.  Was expecting it this morning."

"It's not my lucky day, is it?  Ah, Bel Paese?"

"Sorry, sir."

"Red Windsor?"

"Normally, sir, yes.  Today the hovercraft broke down."

"Ah.  Stilton?"

"Sorry."

One Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch later...

The Doctor mopped his face with a handkerchief.  "Have you, in fact, got any cheese here at all!?"

"Yes, sir," said Millie.

"Really?" the Doctor asked.

Millie paused.  "No.  Not really, sir."

"You haven't."

"No, sir.  Not a scrap.  All I've got right now is a box of one dozen starving crazed weasels."

"Oh, alright," the Doctor sighed.  "I'll take that."

Tina glanced back over her shoulder as she followed the well-annoyed Doctor to the door.  She saw that Millie was obviously about to burst into evil maniacal laughter.  "Doctor?" she whispered.

"Ssshh!" the Doctor hissed.  "Wait until we get outside."

"MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!" said Millie.  "MWAH HA HA HA!!  MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!"

As soon as the shop door closed behind them, Tina clutched at the Doctor's arm.  "Doctor!  That must have been a trap!  Floristica has had plenty of cheese since the Bugrom took over."

"Of course."  The Doctor smiled warmly to reassure Tina, then began to open his box.  "Very perceptive, Tina.  So, let's see what that crazed lunatic cheese shop clerk has given us, eh?"

Tina gasped.  "You mean, you know it's a trap, but you're going to open the box anyway!?"

"Of course," the Doctor said again.  "Evil must be confronted, my dear Tina.  Besides, when you have to come up with a cliff-hanger every twenty-three minutes of your life, you learn to take risks--  YEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGHH!!"

The Doctor had just opened his box, and laid a hand on its contents.  Despite the Doctor's reaction, the box did not contain one dozen starving crazed weasels.

It contained one not-starving-but-quite-possibly-crazed Guide which had just begun to eliminate all Time Lords in the area with extreme prejudice.


Crayna-Crayna, retired high and mighty Great Priestess of Fire, had won an eBay auction.

She had just received a large crate in the mail from Yume.  After dragging it into her hut at the base of the volcano, she opened it, reached into the styrofoam peanuts within the crate, and yanked out her new demon god.

One recharge later, Ibn Al-Zahad bowed his head.  "What is your command, Master Crayna?"

Crayna gulped.  "Erm... be it true that you can swim in white-hot lava, as if it were a pool of water?"

"Yes, Master Crayna."

"And... you can actually take your human master into the lava with you?"

"Yes.  As long as Master remains in my arms, she shall come to no harm."

Crayna giggled like a school-girl.  As both a scholar and a former fire priestess, she was enthralled by the terrible beauty of white-hot lava.  And now, she could actually explore the extremely hot contents of her active volcano, in the arms of her new demon god...

In the arms of her big strong handsome demon god.  He's quite a hottie-- no pun intended, Crayna thought.  The third eye will take some getting used to, but still... woof!

Crayna felt her cynical old heart race.  The middle-aged world-weary retired priestess continued to giggle like a school-girl.  Her eyes had gone all shiny and happy, in a most un-Crayna-like way.

Al-Zahad sweat-dropped.


Bill, anonymous lowly young Phantom Tribe minion, had won an eBay auction.

He had just received a large crate in the mail from Yume.  After dragging it into his quarters deep within the rock formation commonly known as 'Kingfisher', he opened it, reached into the styrofoam peanuts within the crate, and yanked out his new demon god.

One recharge later, Pretty Magical God Jinnie bowed her head.  "What is your command, Master Bill?"

Bill fidgeted.  "Actually, if you don't mind?  I got you as a present for my new girlfriend."

Jinnistacia raised a Nanami-esque eyebrow.  "Eh?"

"Well, she's still trying to improve her Anti Nanami Defense Screen.  Since you now wear the face of She Who Seeth Through Our Illusions, I thought, maybe, you could help her with her research?"

Jinnistacia smiled sweetly.  "Very well, Master Bill.  Is that all that you ask of me?"

"Well, don't let Lord Nahato see you, please.  We both know that Yume reinstalled your OS, and upgraded your obedience circuit, to bring you into compliance.  But he might still be a bit upset with you, seeing as how you recently super-glued the entire Phantom Tribe in awkward and humiliating positions."

"Roger that," Jinnistacia said.

"By the way, thanks for introducing me to my girlfriend.  That was one heck of an ice-breaker."

"My pleasure, Master Bill.  Any time you'd like me to completely glue you love-birds together again, just let me know.  Tee hee!"

Bill sweat-dropped.


Dall casually tossed the Great Lamp Of Earth aside, ran at Makoto and tackled him, and brought him down in a wide area of mud churned up by the brief but heavy rainfall.  Makoto's lamp of wind was thrown from his body by Dall's tackle.

Dall wasted no time going to work on Makoto.  The impossibly handsome Yume-robots bodily grappled with each other in the shallow mud pit.  Their badly-torn and barely-still-decent uniforms were soon obscured as they were completely covered with thick smooth creamy rivulets of mud.

But, more importantly, Dall's mysterious cloaked but broad-shouldered male figure was of a more muscular build than Makoto's bishounen frame.  Makoto quickly realized that he had only bought himself a little more time, at best.

Peorth gaped at Yume's television through her cheap Groucho Marx glasses.  Her sweet little heart was racing again.  "Mon Dieu," she softly whispered.  "Quel magnifique gratuitous fan-serveece..."

Yume grinned, and spoke without looking away from the screen.  "Swell, ain't it?  The alternate angle of this scene has Makoto wrestling a Jinnai-bot in hot oil, for the fine upstanding fan-girls into that pairing...  Ooh, watch this.  This is my favorite part."

Makoto, bruised, bloody, and beaten, sank into the mud, defeated, humiliated, and totally naked, his clothing having finally decided to give up its futile attempt to remain on him.  Dall, a crazy gleam in his eyes, leapt upon him, grabbing Makoto's arms and pinning him to the ground.

"I've finally beaten you," Dall hissed, his hot breath harshly caressing Makoto's face as he painfully tightened his grip, "and now you are mine.  You are going to pay for what you did to me, Makoto Mizuhara, and in addition to punishing you, I'm going to break your will.  When I'm done with you, you'll call me Master, and serve my every whim.  I'll dominate you so completely that your every thought, every desire will be centered on submitting to me, and you'll lose all sense of pride and self-respect.  You are a dirty, filthy, pathetic animal, Makoto, not fit to be anything but my slave, and I'm going to make sure that's where you stay for the rest of your meaningless existence.  Doesn't that sound like fun?"

Makoto, completely at his enemy's mercy, whimpered as the smirking Dall descended on him, kissed him roughly on the lips, and proceeded to have his dastardly but disturbingly pleasant way with the young Wanderer, putting him through incredible ecstatic pain.


Mike:  Y'know, when I mentioned mud wrestling, that's not exactly what I had in mind.

Crow:  *ack*!

Tom:  *eep*!

Mike:  Aw, c'mon, guys.  We're open-minded and tolerant men, secure in our masculinity.  We can handle a little yaoi lovin', right?

Crow:  *arg*!

Tom:  *ngh*!

Mike:  Well, maybe not.  Man, I wish the current writer had extended his no-fan-service pledge past Peorth's earlier-than-expected first appearance.  GAH!!

[Lord God Jinnai]

"MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!" said Millie.  "MWAH HA HA HA!!  MWAH HA HA HA HA HA!!"

As soon as the shop door closed behind them, Tina clutched at the Doctor's arm.  "Doctor!  That must have been a trap!  Floristica has had plenty of cheese since the Bugrom took over."

"Of course."  The Doctor smiled warmly to reassure Tina, then began to open his box.  "Very perceptive, Tina.  So, let's see what that crazed lunatic cheese shop clerk has given us, eh?"

Tina gasped.  "You mean, you know it's a trap, but you're going to open the box anyway!?"

"Of course," the Doctor said again.  "Evil must be confronted, my dear Tina.  Besides, when you have to come up with a cliff-hanger every twenty-three minutes of your life, you learn to take risks--  YEEEEAAAAARRRRRGGGHH!!"

Play Doctor Who theme music NOW.


DOCTOR WHO

The Cross-Over Terror

Written by Rabid Fanbois

PART THREE

"Doctor! What is it?!" shrieked Tina in fright.

The Doctor ignored his panicky companion and hurled the package onto the ground, a shocked look on his features. The box burst open, revealing a floating black machine with the word "PANIC" inscribed in a bright, friendly orange on its surface.

The Guide hovered in the air for a bit, scanning the area. Its sensors suddenly stopped short on the Doctor. "Scan complete," it said in a friendly artificial female voice. "Two hearts, body temperature 60 degrees Celcius, higher dimensional entity. Target confirmed, proceeding with termination..." The book then advanced on the Time Lord, various instruments of death forming from its black surface.

"How very interesting," stated the Doctor, a worried look on his face. He suddenly smiled and doffed his hat. "Hallo, I am the Doctor. You must be trying to kill me."

"Correct," said the Guide.

"Very good, very good." The machine swiped at the short man with one of its sharp appendages, but surprisingly the Doctor ducked out of the way. "Tell me, is there a particular reason as to why you are trying to kill me?"

"It has been programed as my primary function," said the machine.

"Ah." The Doctor dodged another of the Guide's instruments, this one shaped like a large chainsaw. "So I see. Well then, perhaps you can answer me this..."

The Guide, who had seen the fruitlessness of trying to kill the Time Lord with a melee weapon, began powering up its laser blasters.

"... What is an Arcturan Slither Beast?" asked the Doctor.

The Guide stopped its killing attempts, as its voice began to drone out, "The Arcturan Slither Beast, also known as the Wordo Wormling, is found in the southern forests of Kamartha and-"

The Doctor continued, "Where about the Allseen Archway?"

While the Guide continued to speak about the first topic, a second voice took up to explain. "The Allseen Archway is in the fourth quadrant of-"

"Where can I find the nearest Wormhole to the Delta Quadrant?" asked the Doctor. "Who was the captain of the last Battlestar? Whose genes did the Galactic Republic use to make its clone army? When will the next issue of Play Being that has a Runerian on the cover be printed? How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck had an axe?"

The Guide, speaking in many voices and on various different topics, began to shake and rattle. Smoke poured out of its compartments, and a really scary noise began to rattle a bit in its hard drive.

"Um, Doctor?" Tina asked in worry as she stepped back from the machine in fright.

The Doctor merely smirked, then asked the Guide one last question. "What is the Ultimate Question to the Ultimate Answer of Life, the Universe, and Everything?"

"Erk..." said the Guide.

BOOOM!!!

After the smoke cleared, the Doctor emerged unscated, though a bit dusty. Tina looked down at the short man in wonder. "H-how did you do that?"

The Doctor looked up at the waitress and smiled. "Simple. That was the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, volume 2. Although much improved from the first version, it is still constructed from very inferior materials in order to keep its price down. Thankfully, it only has 128 megs of RAM, so it isn't very good at multitasking. I knew that by asking it to explain about various subjects, while it was trying to kill me, a catastrophic system crash would occur." The Time Lord looked down sadly at the remains of the Guide. "Bloody guide books are never very accurate... every explorer worth his salt knows that Arcturan Slther Beasts are found in the northern forests of Kamartha."

"Oh," said Tina simply. "Shouldn't we go after the little twit who gave you the package?"

"No," the Doctor's jovial look vanished, replaced by something colder and far more ancient. (i.e. his BADASS look) "This is merely a delaying tactic, much like the Mouth of God and the turtle robot nonsense. I think it's time we went directly to the source of this problem... I am looking forward to meeting this... Other..."

With that, the little man walked off. Tina followed with a shrug.

*********************************************

"How did he know who we are?'

"This is impossible."

"He should not have defeated our Guide so easily."

"Yes, that battle of wills should have taken at least three posts to overcome. He is not playing fair."

"Makoto and his friends are the main characters, aren't they? We can't have this cameo cross-over vagrant stealing the spotlight."

"We should kill him."

"We can't kill him, he's the Doctor! His legions of fans will gut us alive and say our round robin sucks if we do that."

"You're right... let us write him out of the picture then. Like we did Ishiel."

"Ew..."

"Not in a hentai way, fool. We should trap him in a dimensional vortex or something. Or maybe a time loop. Something Doctor Who-ish."

"Yes. If he's not going to play by the rules, then we shouldn't either. Just suck him into a Black Hole. Let him out when the story is over."

"Yes."

"Yes."

"YesYesYes."

[d.t.]

OOC:  I ended up cutting out the two largest parts of this post.  The bit about Shayla just had too much angst, and the other bit was just plain lame.

IC:

The machine filled the air with the raucous wailing of a failing engine and the steadily-building squeal of protesting metal.  Its vibrations threatened to shake the whole contraption apart and take a large part of the surrounding area with it.  Ifurita-III took this in impassively, far too emotionally exhausted to care.  Her staff was placed against the wall.  One of her hands was holding a small bucket, the other was pushing the ice-machine's 'vend' button.  Apparently the owner of this 'Las-Vegas-like' hotel had never heard of maintenence.

And then a new sound attracted her attention, a very faint humming sound, apparently coming from the corridor next to the machine.  Curious, she put down the half-filled bucket and started trying to find the source of the sound.  She glanced up in annoyance, realizing that the sole lamp meant to illuminate the passageway was not working.  She was about five steps toward the sound when she remembered her staff.  Sloppy, if she wasn't still so concerned about Makoto, she would never have made such a mistake.  She turned around to retrieve her weapon, just as a Bugrom Wasp emerged from the shadows and landed on her back.  It was the surprise, mixed with her emotional turmoil that gave the bug the opportunity it needed.  The fact that its stinger managed to precisely find her keyhole and inject her with its potent alien toxin was nothing more than a fluke, an unfortunate million to one shot.

Ifurita-III found herself face down on the ground.  If her mind had been clearer, she could probably have dealt with the new problem in a few beats of her nanite-infused heart.  But she wasn't thinking about her own wellbeing, she was far more concerned with Makoto.  So busy was she, trying to find the energy to yell for him to be on his guard, that she did not notice the ovipositor on her back.  So hard was she praying for Makoto's safety that she did not feel the egg sac being placed.  She did, however, feel it as the alien Bugrom was injected into her, as it quickly made itself one with her brain, rerouting the neural pathways that would normally be ordering her nanites to expunge the intruder.  But by the time she realized what was happening it was too late - she had been placed under the command of another monster, and this time Makoto's tech touch would have no effect.

******

Millie heard the boom outside.  She looked down at her printout.

10:00 a.m. - you will hear a large boom.
10.00 a.m and 10 seconds - a man will walk into the store.

Millie looked up.  A man had walked into the store.  "Good morning, sir!" she grinned manically,  "Welcome to the Mice Wearing Hats' National Cheese Emporium!  What can I do for you, sir?"

The man lacked the patience of the Doctor, and did not stay for the whole sketch.  Fuming, he stormed out at 10:01 a.m., just as the printout said he would.

Woop

Millie looked over at The Guide, which was quietly examining a very runny piece of cheese, apparently unconcerned with its own destruction.  "I fear that The Doctor is not taking me seriously," said the bird.

"What was that explosion?" demanded Millie.  "And why did I have to pretend to sell cheese?"

"I exploded," replied The Guide simply.

Millie tilted her head to one side, begining to wonder if trusting this thing was really such a good idea.  She didn't seem to notice that The Guide had avoided her other question.  "Shouldn't you be dead then?"

"Why?" asked the bird.  "If you exploded you would be dead.  I am not you.  I have been a disc.  I have been a bird.  I have been the night sky.  And now I have been an explosion.  Why should that matter to a being that exists in more than 22 dimensions?"  The Guide turned its apparent attention back to the runny cheese.  "You see, it's like this.  I have no filters at all.  At any given moment I am processing every piece of information that ever existed in this or any other reality.  He actually tried to defeat me by making my multitask.  That might have worked on one of Kirk's enemies, but with me it's like trying to drown an ocean."

Outside, the angry man that had wanted cheese bought a loaf from a passing bread salesman.  

"One of The Doctor's few weaknesses is that he is so parochial.  He can go anywhere in timespace, and yet he spends almost all his time in Southern England.  He's become to used to its customs and idioms.  He assumes that what's considered 'cheaply made' in one place is the same everywhere.

"And besides," said the Bird, a bit pettishly, "I'm not cheap.  I'm a special collector's item."

The man took a single bite out of his loaf of bread, and spit it out in distaste.  It just wasn't the same without cheese.

"I see all along the probability axis," said The Guide, inside the store, "I know which pebbles to push to start the avalanche."

"So the flying turtles and strange birds don't matter?" asked young Tina Bradford , outside.

A snakebird swooped down and caught the mildly-chewed bread.  It flew back up, neatly colliding with a smiley-faced turtle thing.

"Certainly not," replied The Doctor with a twee smile, "In fact I feel I can say with certainty, my dear girl, that fabulous flying turtles and silly strange birds are not a threat.  Incidentally, would you like a jelly baby?"

The turtle thing spun out of control, smashing into the "Floristica Times" building.  "Whee!" it said merrily.  "I've got explosives!"  A lovely pyrotechnical explosion followed, sending pieces of flaming debris in all directions.  The Doctor, curious as ever, whirled around to see what was happening.  He held his umbrella in one hand, and the box that had held The Guide had in the other.  But for that fact, he might have been able to block what came next.  Three pieces of movable type neatly slammed into his forehead.  A "7", an "X" and a "6" to be precise.  

Tina screamed as the strange, wonderful man staggered backwards, a bloody "7x6" imprinted on his forehead, a smug reference to the last question he had asked The Guide.

"Ah," The Doctor said quietly, holding a hand to his forehead, then examining the way his blood stained it.  "Ah," he said again, and let out a short sharp laugh.  "Oh my.  I feel that I may have made a most grevious mistake.  I said it was over.  But it isn't all over.  It's far from being all over."  

Tina grabbed him by the shoulders as the strange man began to walk unsteadily away. "What are you talking about?  We have to get you to a hospital!" She looked around frantically.  "Help him!" she called out, her voice cracking, "He's dying!" The Doctor's body twisted out of her hands, as if a great war was going inside him.  For a moment he managed to stay on his feet, but his energy was too spent, and he collapsed.  The Doctor died (it was only the Eighth Doctor, not one of the good ones, so the fandom didn't really mind that much after all).  Tina fell to her knees, crying.  "Oh Doctor," she wept, "they've killed you."  

But that was not entirely true.  As she watched, the miracle of the Time Lord manifested - a strange glow came over the Doctor's face, brightening to a brilliant white, bright as the sun.  And the sun, as The Doctor would have happily pointed out, would be just as bright and shiny this next morning as the first day the world began.  

The face that was left behind when the glow faded was a completely new one...


*****

"Huh," said one of the voices within The Mantle of God.

"Good grief.  Well, that was unexpected!"

"What a powerful weapon.  And to think the Vogons had a hand in its contruction..."

"You know, I'm starting to think one of us should maybe read that thing's warranty again.  The bit about it being impossible to turn it against its masters.  Considering we have a boy that control technology mixed up in all of this.  Yes, I think that's a very important bit to recheck now."

They considered that for a moment.  Then, as one, they rechecked the manual.  There was a collective mental sigh of relief.

"Well, Well, that's a load off our mind mind."


*****

[SOL]

Crow:  Hey, can they kill The Doctor?

Mike:  Ah, if it's for comedic purposes there's precedent.  

Tom:  But what about the wrath of The Eighth Doctor's legions of fans?

[Sound effect:  Crickets chirping.]

Mike:  On an unrelated note, I think that the current author might have a slight bias in favor of the villains.

Tom:  [sarcastically]  Really?  I hadn't noticed.

[rowan_a._seven]

"Another drink?" the bartender asked and, without even waiting for an answer, poured Ishiel another.  The Rogue Priestess of Earth gave him a grateful nod as she chugged another one down.

The bartender shook his head.  "You know, it's not good to drown your sorrows like that.  Besides, it won't work for long.  Come tomorrow morning the only thing that'll have changed will be that you'll have a splitting migraine...and maybe wake up in bed married to a complete stranger, but that hasn't happened since some pyromaniac red-haired girl got totally drunk, started going on about some guy named Makoto, and burned down the 5-minute wedding chapel next door."

A thoughtful look crossed the bartender's face.  "You know, now that I think about it, it is pretty odd that somebody set up a 5-minute wedding chapel right next to a bar.  Oh well, whatever's profitable, I guess."  He went back to cleaning a glass with a white towel.

"Thanks for trying to cheer me up, mister, but after everything's that happened, I just want to forget.  After all, how can I go back to being a little-known background character after nearly being the star?  It's just...too painful to think about what my future holds for me now," Ishiel confessed, teary-eyed.  A thought suddenly crossed her mind.  "And why, after all the drinks I've had, am I still _not_ drunk?"

The bartender squinted at her.  "Tell me, have you united with any powerful ancient relics that made you go mad with power, fused with an insane Demon God, been mind-controlled by a vengeful and mad scientist from the Holy Wars, or de-powered in an incredibly fan-servicey way recently?"

"All of the above," Ishiel answered glumly.

The bartender nodded.  "I thought so.  Well, by the sound of it, your recent experiences have temporarily boosted your metabolism to the point where your body is processing alcohol faster than you can imbibe it."

"...So, in other words, what you're saying is that I can't get drunk, is that right?" the half-Phantom Triber asked, surprisingly calm.  The bartender nodded, and Ishiel slammed her fists against the counter.  "Gosh darnit!  Why must my life be so difficult?!  I'm betrayed by my best friend, stew in a dungeon cell for a couple years, am finally liberated only to be put in one fan-servicey and embarrassing situation after another, have my mind warped/possessed by one piece of ancient technology after another, and just as I'm finally beginning to become a main character am de-powered in a 'Nirvana' of fan-service and delegated back to being a background character!  And now I can't even get drunk!  It just isn't fair!"  

She hunched over and started to weep.  The bartender patted her reassuringly on her left shoulder.  "There, there.  It's true that you may be a background character now, but try to look on the bright side of things.  Background characters typically don't have to worry about being mind-controlled by super-villains or driven mad by incredibly powerful artifacts, and even if they do it's usually only for a single episode.  Plus, this is El-Hazard, a place where background characters tend to make out surprisingly well.  I mean, just look at Dr. Schtalubaugh in The Wanderers, and he doesn't even have your good looks - well, at least in _my_ opinion - or an elemental lamp!  And if you need further proof, think of Groucho who's virtually incomprehensible to most of us yet still gets some great scenes and dialogue in practically every El-Hazard series.  If you affiliate yourself with one of the many sub-plots dangling around you're almost certain to become a relatively important character again, or at least a character on the same level as the priestesses."

"...Or I could become a bitter, dark character determined to hunt down all those who wronged me and make them pay dearly for it!" Ishiel declared enthusiastically.  She smirked when she saw the bartender's worried expression.  "Nah, don't worry about it.  That was merely a joke, and I really don't want to have to go through that whole 'the beauty of my soul' thing again if it means getting in another glomp-fest over Makoto."

The half-Phantom Triber got to her feet and turned to face the door.  Craning her head to look at the bartender, she smiled warmly at him.  "Thanks for the encouragement, mister.  You've really helped to re-motivate me, and if I combine my Matrix outfit with a cool cloak and hood set, I think I'll manage to do all right for myself in the rest of this RR.  Is there any way I can repay you...other than paying off my bar tab right now?" she asked, eyeing the dozens of glasses with some concern.

The bartender shook his head good-naturedly.  "Don't concern yourself over it.  When you've been in this business as long as I have, you get used to some pretty strange customers.  Tell me, though, would you like a jelly baby?"  The bartender winked.

******

For every living animal or anything living that's even remotely animal-shaped, there is one primordial fear deeply embedded in each and every one of them.  No matter how powerful or horrifying they are, the personification of this fear is more terrifying yet.  It is an unstoppable force that defies the laws of conventional physics and leaves all potential targets gibbering in absolute fear in its passing.  To the animal kingdom, it is pure evil incarnate, and, no matter how many times it is defeated, this force will always return someday and in some form.  

The Guide was about to find out how dangerous this force is firsthand.

"How cute!" the red-haired girl known as Elmira shrieked as she walked into the cheese shop seemingly from nowhere and immediately grabbed the protesting Guide who, despite existing in over 22 dimensions, was discovering how it felt to choke to death.  "I'm going to take you home and hug you and pet you and squeeze you, and I will call you George!"  She beamed, and the Guide gagged.

"Hold it right there!" Millie yelled forcefully.  "That bird there is my ticket to global domination, and I'm not about to let some goody-two-shoes wearing a blue dress deny me of my prophesized destiny!  Mice with hats, go!  Go kick her ass!"

"SQUEAK!" the Mice with hats replied, recoiling in terror from the horror that is Elmira.

"What?!  I didn't teach you cowardice!" Millie boomed angrily, growling.  Fine then, if they wouldn't do it, then she'd have to and show them all why she was known as the terror of the playground.

"Millie the bratty war orphan versus Elmira the lover of all things cute, round 1!" the Mouth of God shouted from above.

DING!

As the two kids hurled themselves at each other, the Guide who was still painfully held by Elmira reflected that he'd really have to find out who was opposing him.  Obviously, it had to be somebody based in the future who was releasing the tachyons and unleashed Elmira upon him, but who?

******

"Mwhahahaha!!!" Nahato laughed smugly, pleased, as he paced behind his hard-at-work scientists, followed closely by three, blue-skinned clones of Nanami each wearing the infamous Princess Leah outfit from 'Star Wars: Return of the Jedi' along with the attached collar and chains that Nahato was holding the ends of.  They dutifully crawled behind their master.

"Excellent," Nahato spoke maliciously.  "Soon, all of El-Hazard will feel the vengeance of the Phantom Tribe, and we will finally become the threat we're supposed to be instead of mere...comic relief!"

"Nahato, you forgot your lunch!" Nahato's mother shouted cheerfully as she forced herself into the lab and proved Nahato wrong.  "I made your favorite, dear, and if you don't eat it soon the spiced slugs will get cold!"

"Moooom!" Nahato pouted, embarrassed.  "Can't you see that I'm in the middle of leading our tribe to victory over the surface dwellers?"

Nahato's mother 'tskked' and handed him a brown, paper bag.  "That's still not an excuse for skipping meals, son.  After all, you won't grow up big and strong if you only eat and drink donuts and coffee."  She glared meaningfully at the scientists around them who suddenly became fascinated with their instrument panels.  Her scowl turned into a pleased smile, however, when she noticed the Nanami clones.

"Oh, and who are your new friends, dear?" she asked pleasantly, crouching down to face-level with the clones.

"They're _not_ my friends, Mom!  They're clones of my worst enemy programmed to obey my every command, incapable of betraying me, and whom I'm using to spite the crazy ax-wielding girl!" Nahato declared angrily.

"I don't know, dear.  Having clone slaves is a _big_ responsibility," Nahato's mother began to lecture him, much to her son's incredulity, "Why, you have order them to cook and clean, correct their foolish but well-intended mistakes, punish them as appropriate, look after any illegitimate children you sire with them-"

"WHAT?!" Nahato boomed, seriously disturbed.

His mother laughed weakly.  "Oh, just thinking ahead dear."  She leaned over to one of the nearby scientists and whispered in his ear, "You did remove the aging genes, right?  These clones will stay young and beautiful forever, right?"  The scientist nodded his head fearfully, and Nahato's mother stood back and smirked to herself.  Inwardly, she was pleased.  With all the time her son had spent with Galus, she was slightly worried about having grandchildren to spoil someday, but with three unaging and beautiful slaves around and Nahato scheduled to hit puberty any day now...well, members of the Phantom Tribe _were_ encouraged to marry and have children as early as possible, and wouldn't it be lovely to have not one, not two, but _three_ daughters-in-law to look after her in her old age...not that she would be old anytime soon, mind you.  All she had to do now was make sure things took their..._natural_ course.

"Well, I _guess_ you can keep them," Nahato's mother said in a falsely reluctant tone.  "However, they'll be staying in _your_ room, and I insist that you bathe them at least once a day!  I won't have any dirty clone slaves in _my_ home!"

"But MOM!" Nahato whined.

"No buts, dear!  I expect you to spend plenty of time with your new slaves and make sure they stay healthy and get plenty of exercise!  I don't even want to imagine what the neighbors will think if they see us with unhealthy slaves!" she ordered in a stern voice that mothers across the multiverse seem to share.  

Nahato's mother then noticed the still developing earth boy clone slaves in three nearby tubes and narrowed her eyes.  "And don't even think about taking any of _those_ male clone slaves home with you!  Three female clone slaves are more than enough for you, young man!"

"But Mom!  What am I supposed to-"

"Let the scientists figure out what to do with them, but they're not stepping one foot inside our house!  Do you understand me, young man?" she asked in a voice incapable of being argued with.

"...Yes, Mom," Nahato reluctantly agreed, head bowed and shoulders squared.  

His mother smiled.  "Ah, there's a good boy!  Now cheer up some!  Here, how about I make your favorite dessert with supper tonight?  You'd like that, wouldn't you honey?  Aw, I knew you would!  Now, remember to be home by 5:00 dear!"  

As soon as she left, the Phantom Tribe scientists guffawed.  Nahato, quite impressively, managed to glare at all of them simultaneously.  "The next person who laughs will find himself missing his head!  Now then, back to work!"

Nahato then turned his glare on his three Nanami-clone slaves who were staring at him with questioning looks on their beautiful, obedient blue faces.  "I suppose you three want names, don't you?  Fine.   You...are Zanami, Yanami, and...Runanami," he declared, pointing at each of them in turn.  "Now then, go back to groveling and fawning over me!"

"Yes, master," they said dutifully, quickly proceeding to do just that as Nahato resumed his smug pacing, blissfully ignorant of the maternal schemes his mother was hatching for him and Zanami, Yanami, and Runanami.  

******

Edit:  *sighs* Well, with one post I made not one but _two_ grave fandom mistakes:  I listed Princess Leah's slave girl/dancer outfit as appearing in "Star Wars:  A New Hope" and erroneously typed 'jelly belly' instead of 'jelly baby'.  Um...you don't suppose it's too late to start running, do you?  

[MrWhat]

An alien-Bugrom-possessed human burst into the Creterian Deva's throne room.  "Milady!  I bring terrible news!"

"Deeeeevaaaaa?" asked the Creterian Deva.

"A strange yet beautiful honey-bee-girl-creature is stinging your human hosts, and expelling your children from their tiny brains!"

"Deeeeevaaaaa!" gasped Deva.

"And even worse, her stings immunize the human hosts against further possession!  If she is allowed to continue her bizarre healing rampage, our icky-squicky invasion will be defeated!"

"Deeeeevaaaaa!" cried Deva.

"Milady!  What shall we do?"

"Deeeeevaaaaa," pondered Deva.

A moment of silence passed.

The possessed villager sighed.  "Uh, no offense, but Milady isn't the brightest firefly in the jar, is she."

"Deeeeevaaaaa," the Creterian Deva agreed sadly.


A barely-disguised Fatora strode up to Gatora and Hatora's seminary gate, and stood before its closed doors again.  Alielle watched from behind a nearby tree.

Fatora cleared her throat, and spoke in a false deep voice.  "*ahem*  I am Makoto Mizuhara, alien Wanderer from Shinadobe High School and an annoying goody-goody!  I call upon my harem-ic powers, and order you to open this door!"

WHAM!!  The door fell open like a draw-bridge, squishing Fatora into the ground again.

After the door raised back up, Alielle came to the side of her fallen princess.  "Um, Fatora-sama?  You still haven't got the name right.  It's Shino-nome."

"Ack eep," said Fatora.

Alielle pulled Fatora out of the ground, and dragged her away.  "Ah well.  Back to the drawing board."


Jinnai dashed down a long seminary hall, and opened a door.

He found several naked female acolytes frolicking in a therapeutic mud bath.  "Master!" they squealed.  "Please, join us!"

"GAH!!" said Jinnai.  He slammed the door shut, ran further down the hall, and opened a second door.

He found more naked female acolytes training in hand-to-hand combat, with lots of sweating, grunting, fondling and tickling.  "Master!" they squealed.  "Please, subdue us!"

"GAH!!" said Jinnai.  He slammed the door shut, ran further down the hall, and opened a third door.

He found more naked female acolytes standing at an ice cream bar, trying to make hot fudge sundaes, but spilling caramel and chocolate all over themselves.  "Master!" they squealed.  "Please, lick us!"

"GAH!!" said Jinnai.  (Actually, a small hot fudge sundae would have hit the spot, but Jinnai didn't want to impose.)  He slammed the door shut, ran further down the hall, and opened a fourth door.

He found Groucho, who had infiltrated the seminary to faithfully rescue his master.  The Bugrom was wearing a blond wig and a girl's seminary tunic, in a poorly disguising yet greatly disturbing kind of way.

"GAH!!" said Jinnai.  "You idiot!  You won't fool anyone, wearing that girl's tunic!  All the women are naked in this hellish pit of torture!!"

"Lufituaeb mi esuaceb em etah tnod," said Groucho.


Makoto was sitting on the corner of the hotel room bed, sadly musing to himself, and absent-mindedly staring at the hotel television, randomly flipping through the cable channels.

He glanced up, to see Ifurita-3 at the door.  The usually meek fan-fiction based demon god had a terrifying bloodthirsty expression on her face.  She snarled at Makoto like a vicious guard dog, drooling just a little.

Makoto gulped.  "Aw, man... not again."

But then, Ifurita-3 suddenly collapsed, falling unconscious to the floor.

Makoto dashed to her side, gently took her up and set her on the bed, and put a hand against her forehead.  Why, she ran out of power, Makoto thought.  How did that happen?

He suddenly realized how, with a burst of atypical male pride.  Ifurita-3 was worn out after a long sleepless night of naturally-enhanced hot sweet Makoto loving.  He had exhausted Ifurita-3 himself, in the best happy fun kind of way, and now, doing so had saved his own life.

Hmm, Makoto thought.  Maybe these supposed harem-ic powers of mine have their uses, after all.


The new Eighth or Ninth Doctor (the current writer was confused, and had lost count) staggered to his new feet, and stumbled away, leaving a future writer to describe his new fan-fiction persona.  A distressed Tina ran after him.

Meanwhile, The Other snickered to itselves.  Everyone knew that each regeneration left the Doctor a bumbling amnesiac for a few episodes.  Indeed, the Doctor had been dealt with quite effectively.

And this regeneration hadn't been any more lame than when the Sixth Doctor regenerated after falling in the TARDIS and hitting his head against the floor.


"Milady?" asked Londs, somewhat breathlessly, as he leaned forwards.  "Just how many more Bugrom do we need?  I'm up to my beard in bouncing baby bugs, here."

Deva's eyes rolled back slightly.  She answered even more breathlessly, in a husky voice.  "Yes, we could both *hanh* rest, Mr. Londs *hanh* we've been working *hanh* so hard lately *hanh* for the Empire."

Londs gasped sharply, clenching his teeth.  His eyes rolled back too.  "Can't stop now-- WHOAH BOY!!!!!!"

A minute or two later, Londs leaned back, breathed deeply, brushed the sweat from his forehead, and basked in the afterglow of a job well done.

A very happy Deva purred with satisfaction.  Her eyes shined with admiration.  "Oh, Mr. Londs!  You are simply wonderful!  Surely, no man does it better than you!"

"It was nothing, Milady," Londs said modestly.  "Now, do any of these other baby Bugrom need a diaper change?"


Yume held up another DVD.  "Care to watch the next volume, hon?  Makoto-bot turns the tables on Dall-bot, and traps him in a sanitarium, and makes him wear a straitjacket and a--"

"NON!! shrieked Peorth.  "Erm, I mean, thank you, but should we not be makeeng ze cuneeng plans to defeat our common enemies?"

"Well hey, I'm open for suggestions," Yume said.  "But, best I can tell, neither one of us can do jack squat, for now.  How 'bout a game of Tetris instead?"

"But..." Peorth protested.  "But..."  She turned to one of Yume's monitors.  "What of zees 'Guide' zat has recently manifested eetself?  Eet ees a multi-dimensional construct, the same as moi.  Could we not fight eet?"

Yume sighed.  "How many dimensions does a Yggdrasil goddess exist across?"

"Ten."

"Well, that 'Guide' thingy exists across twenty-two dimensions.  You do the math.  Honestly, I don't know how the other writers expect anyone to actually fight that little booger..."

Peorth did not respond.  She was trying to do the math.  She counted on one hand, then on both hands, silently mouthing numbers.  Then she kicked off her boots, and counted on her dainty toes.

She looked back to Yume with an embarrassed smile.  "I seem to have run out of ze digits.  May I borrow two of your fingers?"

Yume pulled a hand down her face in exasperation.  "Well, I might give you one finger."


Tom:  That was, what, seven distinct plot threads?  This thing is getting complicated again.

Crow:  My brain hurts.

Mike:  And the current author still didn't get back to Shayla, either.  Poor Shayla.

[Lord God Jinnai]

"Doctor!" called out Tina in worry as she watched the strange transformed man stumble about. Within a few minutes of mindlessly bumping into things though, the Doctor suddenly stood up straighter, his posture and stature much different than his previous body's. "Doctor! Are you all right? What the heck happened to you?"

The man turned around, revealing his changed clothing and face. "Yes, I'm fine, Ms. Branford. Just fine. As for what happened to me, well," he looked down at his new hands, then smiled. It was a smile that Tina found most disconcerting. "I'm not really sure. It seems that I have become unplugged... I'm no longer an agent of the Time Lords. I'm a new man, as it were."

"Um, that's nice Doctor," Tina gulped. She noticed that even his clothing had changed; the once wrinkled creme linen suit had turned into an official-looking black one, his paisly tie turning black as well.

"Please," the man pulled a pair of dark sunglasses out of his front pocket and placed it over his dark eyes. "Call me Smith. Doctor Smith."

*********************************************

Crow: Gee, I was wondering when someone would stick in a character from the Matrix into this mess. Guess my waiting finally payed off.

Tom: Humph, lucky! I'm still waiting for an appearance by Ralph Mouth from Happy Days.

*********************************************

Afura Mann looked into the tavern window and saw her prey calmly seated at the bar. "Found you at last," she whispered to herself. The Wind Priestess leaned against he pub door for a bit and took a deep breath in order to calm her racing heart. She tried to ignore her sweaty palms and shaking nerves as she entered the establishment to confront her enemy.

"YOU!" snarled Ishiel when she saw the familiar figure who had entered the pub. "What the hell do you want?!"

Afura swallowed nervously and hoped that the Earth Priestess wouldn't notice the flush that had appeared on her cheeks. She took another deep breath and spoke, trying hard to keep her voice steady agains the mind-numbing fear wracking her psyche. "I-I-I came to challenge you."

Ishiel did not seem pleased. She looked the other priestess over before shaking her head in annoyance. "Dammit, Affy. You never give up do you? I've all ready beaten your skinny butt three times. You want me to do it once more?"

"Yes please," Afura whispered. She met Ishiel's eyes and said aloud, "It will be different this time. That I promise you."

"Whatever." Ishiel lifted her lamp up to her shoulder, then nodded towards the door. "Lead on." Afrua turned around and led the way towards the exit, presenting her well-shaped backside to Ishiel's appreciative glance. "NO!" the Earth priestess chastised herself. "Stop it. This is the bitch that betrayed you! She's the one that caused you to lose everything! No matter what feelings I had for her in the past, I despise her now. She must pay for what she did to me."

The two priestesses met outside. Afura Mann stood with arms crossed, looking destinctly more confident than she felt. Though her outward appearance was one of detatched indifference, inside she was a turmoil of longing. She longed for the bite of Ishiel's ire, the sting of her blows, and the sweet agony of her dominance. Afura desperately needed to feel the hopeless delight of being pinned under Ishiel's strong arms, to know that she was completely under the other woman's mercy.

Ishiel was also in turmoil beneathe her calm facade. Although she currently hated Afura, she now realized that the other girl was perhaps the closest thing she'd ever had to a friend. During her time at the seminary, the young Afura had been her best friend. They had found in each other a connection that they didn't share with any of the other acolytes. Ishiel had loved the time she had spent with Afura, and thought that the other girl had felt the same.

"Why, Affy?" she whispered. "Why did you betray me?" Ishiel wiped away a tear, then powered up her lamp. Her anger and hate, fueled by old memories, began to rise.

Afura's knees shook with anticipation.

[d.t.]

Nahato paced back and forth in his study.  This was intollerable!  He had, at last, put the Phantom Tribe back on the right track toward being the feared force they deserved to be... only to be laughed at by his own men.  If she wasn't his mother...

"Is there something wrong, Nahato?"  The Phantom Tribe boy looked up, half-expecting to see Galus.  These telepathic conversations would take some getting used to.  "Not upset about the scene in the cloning chamber, are you?"  

Nahato bristled.  "Yes," the boy hissed, "but what can I do?  She is my mother after all."

"True, true.  She's always been there for you, hasn't she?  Showed you how to ride a bike."

"Well... no."

"Showed you how to swim?"

"No, no, we were always too busy for that."

"Busy?  Oh yes, you were in all those pageants.  I'm sure they were very fun."

As a matter of fact, Galus and Nahato had met at one of those pageants.

"Fun?  They were hell!  But the money from them, combined with my recent earnings, should give me a nice nest egg."

"I'm afraid not."

"What do you mean?  I must have made a fortune with all the work I did!"

"Oh yes, you did.  But your mother managed the money, correct?"

"Yes... I'm sure it's been well invest-"

"No."

"Well, I'm sure that there's a lot in the bank accou-"

"Just the opposite."

Nahato narrowed his eyes, not liking where this was going.  His facial expression moved from Defcon 5 to Defcon 4.  "Are you telling me there's no money left?"

"Not... exactly.  I'm telling you that you're in debt."

Nahato practically shook with rage.  His expression reached Defcon 3.  But still... she was his mother.

"Oh, and I don't know if you noticed, but she wants one of the Nanami clones to be the mother of your children."

"Have children with my sworn enemy?" Nahato's expression moved straight to Defcon 1, giving Defcon 2 a miss.  His jaw clenched with the rage of a thousand child stars.



"Hello Elmira," said The Guide smoothly.  

The red headed girl looked down at the bird she held.  "Funny birdie!" she said in a manner that might imply the current author was unfamiliar with the character.  Millie looked to be two breaths away from picking up the kid and throwing her out in the street, but a glance from The Guide stopped her.

"Elmira... you like cute animals, don't you?" asked the Guide.  Elmira giggled and nodded her head, squeezing The Guide again for good measure.  "Elmira, ask yourself something.  Am I cute?"  The girl's face contorted in cartoonish confusion.  She took a good hard look at the bird, so that her nose pressed against its beak.

The Guide was many things.  Cute was most certainly not one of them.  It did, indeed, inspire the panic it advertised.  "Noooo..." Elmira replied, slowly.

"Elmira, wouldn't you prefer to be with cute animals?  Just nod.  Ah.  Good.  Elmira, follow the flashing hologram."  Sure enough, a small flashing hologram of an extremely cute puppy appeared in midair.  The girl, who was not very bright, threw The Guide to one side and began following the floating image as it drifted away from her.

"Puuuppy," she called out frantically, running as fast as her little legs could move her, "come back!"

The Guide settled down on the ground. The only reason it wasn't irritated was because it didn't permit itself emotion.

"Well, that was mildly distracting," the Guide muttered to itself.

"Will that get rid of her for good?"

"Oh no.  But it will lead her to something else that will."  

The animals in the petting zoo found themselves shivering in unison, without knowing why.

Millie glared at it.  "What does any of this have to do with my taking over the world?

The bird regarded her cooly, and managed to shrug despite having no shoulders.  "No need to worry, User.  You'll win the election and rule over Florestica."

Millie narrowed her eyes.  "Florestica doesn't have elections you dolt!"

The bird gestured to the window.  "Definistrate your mop."

"Huh?"

"Throw it out the window."

"Oh.  Why didn't you just say that?  Stupid bird..." still glaring at The Guide, Millie grabbed a mop and threw it out the window with gusto.

"Now there will be an election," said The Guide.

"What, because I threw a mop out the window?  You're barmy!"

"No, because I have calculated the end result of the chain of events that begin with you throwing that mop out the window.  There will be an election, and you will win."  Millie ground her teeth together, but found herself believing the strange thing.  It just sounded so sure.

The Guide believed itself to be invincible.  And why not?  Probability was always in its favor.  Clouding up the future with tachyons was a brilliant ploy, but wouldn't be nearly enough to defeat something that saw the chain of interdependence between all events, the invisible web tying together all reality, the underlying order to the universe, and so on.

There were, however, already ways to beat such a thing.



Nahato's mother sighed blissfully, staggering through the corridors of Kingfisher toward her quarters.  She really had enjoyed her trip to the spa.  Of course Kingfisher wasn't meant to have a spa, and the scientists and mechanics really had more important things to do than to build one.  But she was the mother of their leader, which meant that she could throw her considerable weight around with reckless abandon.  Which is precisely what she did.  Which is precisely why she was so shocked to see a number of people carrying her things out of her quarters, flanked by a trio of armed guards.  Her teeth clenched, veins stuck out on her overly made-up forehead, and steam would have come out of her ears if it could have.  Swinging her handbag from side to side in preparation, she stormed right up to one of the three large guards.  "What is this?" she demanded.  "Do you know who I am?  I am Nahato's mother!"

The guard, her face covered up by an impressibe looking helmet, regarded Nahato's mother impassively.  "Actually, no, you're not." replied the guard.  "He divorced you just a while ago.  Signed all the papers to make it official himself."

"Whaaaaaat?" she shrieked in spittle-spewing fury.  "He can't do that!"

"Actually, he can.  He's in charge."

"We'll just see about that!  Take me to him immediately!"  

"No.  In fact, we're under orders.  If you try to approach him-"

"Yes?"

"We're to dump you face down in the nearest pile of dirt."

Nahato's former-mother gaped.  Her jaw moved, but only feeble gasps came out.  She lifted her hand to strike the guard, but the guard moved faster, neatly catching the fist.  

"None of that!" said the other two guards, taking off their helmets.  Nahato's former-mother's eyes opened even wider.  The guards were identical.  Identical to her, to be more specific.  More clones.

She looked over the first guard's shoulder, to see several underlings carrying away her collection of Weenie Babies.  "Those are mine!"  she shrieked.

"Bought with your former-son's money.  He's selling them all on e-bay to try and recoup his losses."

"But... but... what's to happen to me?"

"He did have one thing to say about that," replied the guard in a business-like tone.

"Yes?"

"Get a job, you mooch."  



Shayla stopped, her hands on her knees, gasping for breath.  "Just... you... wait," she gasped, "I'll... get... you... yet."

"Talk... about... singleminded..." came Parnesse's response.



"But what I don't get," murmered Makoto, "is what happened to her?"  The boy got up and walked to the bedroom door.  He looked straight forward, off the balcony.  Nothing but a view of the village.  He looked left.  Nothing but an empty corridor.  He looked right.  Nothing but a large sharp pike being pointed at him, held by a bugrom-controlled villager.  Makoto's eyes widened, and then he looked straight forward again at the village, giving it slightly more scrutiny.  This time he noticed the large number of Bugrom wasps flying through the air, the large number of humans and white Bugrom working together to build an army, and the large number of honey-comb like structures.  He looked right again, at the pike.  "I should have just hidden under the bed," he sighed.



Nanami tapped her foot in annoyance.  "You know, I don't think 'Voy, no me sigo por favor' means 'I need a bit of fresh air' Miz.  She's been gone too long."  Nanami put her foot down on a conveniently placed table, pointing a finger skyward.  "We must go and look for Kauru!"



"This is the life," sighed Nahato, eating a peeled grape out of a bowl one of the Makoto-clones was holding, while being fanned by the Nanami-clones.



Mike:  Is that appropriate?

Crow:  You know, I remember when I was a kid, being fed skinned grapes by kinky slaves.

Tom:  Wow, and I thought this post couldn't get more disturbing.

[MrWhat]

Afura and Ishiel both assumed battle stances.  Their great lamps hummed with elemental energies.  The demoted Ishiel remained an incredibly powerful opponent, and the two priestesses were actually well-matched now... in more ways than one.

But then, to the disappointment of Afura, Ishiel, and fan-boys everywhere, Yakage descended from the skies.  He landed between the two women, and faced Ishiel.

Ishiel lowered her lamp, and actually blushed a little.  "Yakage!  Um... er... uh..."

Afura raised an eyebrow.  Seeing Ishiel blush a little, Afura felt strangely... jealous.

"Now what," Yakage bellowed, "Ah say, what in the Wide World O' Sports is goin' on here!?  Did Ah, or did Ah not, just demote you ta background character status!?  An' yet-- are you payin' attention, girl?  Ah'm talkin' atcha!-- You've already had three full scenes, while poor Sister Shayla has been practically forgotten!  Nee-glected, that is."

Ishiel giggled like a school-girl.  "Oh dear.  I've been a naughty, naughty little background character.  I guess you'll just have to punish-- I mean, demote me again."

Yakage smiled, and ruffled Ishiel's hair.  "Aw, don' worry yer purty li'l head 'bout it.  Ah jus' came ta issue a warning.  But, Ah say, watch yer step.  Ah'll be keepin' an eye on yew."

Ishiel seemed disappointed, in a vaguely disturbing way.  "Aw..."

Afura walked up.  "Ishiel?  Won't you introduce me to your... friend?"

Before Ishiel could reply, Yakage put an arm around Afura's shoulders, and gave her a nearly-painful demon god squeeze.  "Why, bless mah pointy little head!  If'n it ain't Afera Mann, Great Priestess O' Wind!  Pleased tah make yer aquaintance!"

"Ack," said Afura.

"Ah'm Demon God Yakage, beloved companion of Dr. Yume-- soul-mate, that is-- and oh-ficially designated Round Robin character reg'lator.  Ah'm jus' keepin' an eye on li'l Ishiel, here."  Yakage put his other arm around Ishiel's shoulders, giving her a nearly-painful squeeze too.

"Ack," said Ishiel.

"Now why, Ah say, why are you lovely ladies fightin'?  Be a powerful shame, to muss up yer lovely li'l selves.  An' aintcha classmates from the sem'nary?  Old friends, that is?"

"Ack," said Afura and Ishiel, in unison.

"Thar must be some way to settle yer diff'rences, peaceable-like.  Ah just know you two still care 'bout each'n other.  Shorely you can find it in yer hearts ta forgive each other fer past oh-fences-- lissen ta me, wouldja!?  Ah'm talkin', here!!"

"Ack," said Afura and Ishiel again, more weakly now.  They were both about to pass out.

Yakage released the priestesses' bodies, but grabbed their hands and held them together.  "Now then, good ol' Yakage wants y'all to march right back inta that tavern, order a nice bottle o' wine, sit down tagether, and work all this out, once an' fer all."

Ishiel sighed, and smiled a genuinely warm smile.  "Oh, Afura.  He's right.  Makoto showed me the beauty of my soul, and I can't really hold those old grudges any more.  Let's start over, and try to be friends again, okay?"

Afura's eyes had gone all shiny.  "Oh, Ishiel!  I'm so sorry!  I'm sorry I sabotaged your plans, your career and your dreams!  And I'm sorry that it took me so long to realize what a vain and selfish idiot I've been!  Thank you for forgiving me!"

Yakage released the priestesses' hands, and Afura and Ishiel embraced each other in a lovely heart-warming kind of way.  Afura wept a few tears of joy.  A still smiling Ishiel closed her eyes, rested her cheek against Afura's hair, and quietly sighed with sisterly love.

Yakage grinned.  "Now, don't that just make ya feel all warm and fuzzy inside?  Ah knew you wuz good people-- even if you're both dumber than a can o' paint."

Ishiel looked up at Yakage without breaking her embrace.  "Thanks, Yakage.  You've given me back my best friend.  Yume's lucky to have you."

Yakage winked.  He spoke again, and of course, he completely spoiled the Warm And Fuzzy Feeling.  "An' jus' remember-- if'n ya both still have those dominant an' submissive fantasies, yew can act 'em out in the safe an' lovin' con-fines of a consentual sexual ree-lationship.  Hopefully, with babump.com ta film it."

Afura and Ishiel instantly went blue in the face, and sweat-dropped with a GONG! sound effect.  They jumped away from each other, and they both turned on Yakage, glaring at him and growling dangerously.

Yakage sweat-dropped too.  "What'd Ah say?"

Ishiel hung her head, throwing a shadow over her eyes.  She slowly raised a fist with a throbbing anime stress mark.  "Yakage, dear?  As a fourth-wall-breaking character 'reg'lator', you should realize that you have just fallen into the role of The Baka Na Hentai."

Afura copied Ishiel's pose, and raised her own angry fist.  "And we, as the offended females, are now entitled to double-punch you over the horizon, in a happy fun Love Hina kind of way."

Yakage frowned, crossed his arms and sighed.  "Didn't Ah just say that vi-oh-lence is not, Ah say, not the answer--"

POW!!  

Afura and Ishiel raised their faces to the sky, and watched Yakage disappear over the horizon, fading away with an anime cliche twinkle of light.

Then Ishiel turned to Afura, and offered Afura her arm.  "Shall we get started on that bottle of wine?  Now that we're friends again, we've got a lot of catching up to do."

Afura took Ishiel's arm.  "That would be lovely.  Um, Ishiel?  About what he said at the end?  I, uh--"

Ishiel held a finger to Afura's lips, in a cute way.  "Sshhh...  Let's not go there.  Let's just try to be friends again, okay?  Let's just continue with our fan-servicey innuendo, and our sad longing looks, and our teasing light touches, and..."

Afura gulped.


Makoto looked left again.

He saw nothing but an empty corridor.

Makoto looked right again.

He saw a possessed villager, wielding a pike and charging at him, about three meters away.

Makoto looked left again.

He saw nothing but an empty corridor.

Makoto looked right again.

He saw a possessed villager, wielding a pike and charging at him, less than a meter away.

Makoto looked left again.

He saw his Ifurita, who had tracked her beloved soul-mate down, flying up the corridor at impossible speed, in the nick of time, to save him from the pike-wielding villager, and from the many other pike-wielding villagers just behind the first one that had previously escaped his attention.

Makoto breathed out in relief.  It pays to keep reloading the page, he thought.

He started to speak.  "Ifurita!  I'm so sorry I--"

The half-recharged Ifurita still had plenty of energy to deal with these mortal foes.  But their sheer numbers, and their proximity to Makoto, required her full attention.  She began to fight them hand-to-hand with artistic grace.  "SSHHH!!" she called back to Makoto.  "FIGHT NOW!!  ANGST LATER!!"


Nahato continued to enjoy the services of his half-a-dozen clone slaves, unaware that he was being watched.

Of course, The Other watched everyone and everything.  But it honestly couldn't care less what the young Phantom Tribe leader did on his own time.  No, someone else was watching, waiting, planning, and snickering.

When Yume created Ryoko's defective control circuit, she put it down to bad luck.  She was unaware that installing a control circuit in a female demon god required a slightly different procedure than for a male demon god.

And so, Yume had repeated her mistake when she recently rebuilt a demon god for resale on eBay-- much to Pretty Magical God Jinnie's delight.

Much like Ryoko, Jinnistacia remained loyal to her "master" (Bill).  But, also much like Ryoko, she enjoyed undue latitude in her activities, and she had found herself unable to resist looking in on Nahato.

And she was Jinnistacia, after all.  She was a kidder.  She liked to kid.

And so it was that Jinnistacia lurked in the shadows, wearing a Phantom Tribe tunic and hood to conceal herself, and watching her naughty, naughty previous Master being very naughty-- again.

She held up her power-key-staff super-glue-gun, and uncapped its tip.  Then she tasked her battle computers to come up with a happy fun awkward and humiliating way to super-glue three female clone slaves, three male clone slaves, and a naughty Master together.  And then, Wackiness Ensued.


Mike:  Okay, that last bit can't be appropriate.

Crow:  Y'know, I remember, when I was a kid, being super-glued into awkward and humiliating positions by a freaky demon god.

Tom:  This is where I refuse to tempt Fate by saying 'it can't get even more disturbing.'