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Author Topic: El-Hazard Round Robin, Part 2  (Read 24610 times)
Lord God Jinnai
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« Reply #45 on: December 27, 2003, 11:09:40 am »

Quote
(Dall in a diaper is considered "fan-service for the ladies" now?   O_o  O_O  o_O )


Well you're new here so you wouldn't have noticed, but the ladies that inhabit this forum have very ECCLECTIC tastes.
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MrWhat
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« Reply #46 on: December 27, 2003, 11:17:30 am »

Quote
(Dall in a diaper is considered "fan-service for the ladies" now?   O_o  O_O  o_O )

Well, it was Ryoko's idea.  Quoting Reply #12:

Quote
Ryoko raised an eyebrow.  "Uh, sir?  Y'know, they offer a wide variety of discreet sanitary products to help young adults deal with incontinence--"

And it was a token attempt at creepy fan service.  I didn't promise a successful attempt.  I don't know if anyone believes me, but I'm not the hentai I'm making myself out to be here, and I was running out of wacky fetishes  ^^;

Seriously, I must have finally crossed the line here, so I'll drop most of the fan-service jokes.  They're getting old, anyway.
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rowan_a._seven
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« Reply #47 on: December 27, 2003, 04:06:11 pm »

My post was too long so I had to split it into two parts.   ^^;




******

"Please...you two have got...to stop this!  You'll...destroy the world!" Makoto pleaded, barely able to stand.

"Hiss!"

"Meow!"

"Oh forget this," he muttered, fed up with it all, and deciding to do what he normally did in situations where he needed to save the world - use his incredibly versatile techtouch ability to fix the problem.  Putting a hand on both the Dollmaker and the Last Scion and being very grateful that (in another display of writerstakelibertiesmatics) their enhancements bordered on the mechanical enough that his power was applicable, Makoto linked with them and showed them why they were both wrong.

The two assailants were flooded with Makoto's memories of his time on El-Hazard:  of his love for Ifurita, the brave struggle of the humans to survive against all odds, but most importantly that they did survive.  Moments of quiet, peace, and happiness; children and adults laughing, flowers blooming and grass growing, all the tell-tale signs of life that led, undeniably, to the future.

Let it go.  Let it all go.  The past is in the past, and your responsibilities and guilt are gone along with your era.  Your time has passed, and neither of you have the right to decide what shape the future will take.  That decision rests with your descendents and those living today.  Let _them_ choose their own destinies.

They protested, insistently at first but gradually weaker as the strength of Makoto's memories overwhelmed their doubts and forced them to see that he was right.

But what if...there is war again?

If there is war, it will be of our own choosing and it will up to us to resolve it.  Sleep.  Let your children create their own future, unbothered by the troubled legacies of the past.

Yes, sleep.  We are...both so tired...Kauru and Ishiel, to you...we leave the future.

The Dollmaker and Last Scion, finally freed from their chains of guilt and insanity, faded away like the ghosts of the past they truly were.

******

Demon God Yakage appeared below Ishiel, Ibn Al Zahad, and Jinnistacia, and proceeded to depower Ishiel in the fan-servicey way which the current author will not attempt to detail because it was the Nirvana of fan-service.  It put all previous fan-service to shame, and it is impossible for anyone with even the slightest _interest_ in the female sex to attempt to describe this scene since trying to do so will elevate their mind to a higher state of desire, lust, and glee, and they will completely abandon their bodies and willingly witness this same scene again and again for the rest of eternity.

However, provided somebody actually succeeded in describing this scene or - worse yet - animated it, it would've been banned in practically every country in the world but to no avail.  It would go underground, attract legions of fans, and eventually become a cult that, as mankind reached the stars, spread throughout the galaxy and become the dominant religion of the entire universe.  Art, literature, war, EVERYTHING would be done in the name of the fan-servicey Ishiel.  Images of the fan-service that, in her unending kindness and mercy, she deigned to present to the beleaguered masses would be posted everywhere, and all would thank her and be subject to her for this one moment of fan-service replayed into perpetuity.  She would become Lady Ishiel of the Fan-Service, and a crusade would be launched by her faithful followers to transform everything into her likeness.  The singular purpose of this entire dimension would be to replay that one scene over and over again for all eternity, and as the denizens of other dimensions witness this one overwhelming, ecstatic moment they, too, would become grateful converts and likewise follow suit until, all existence everywhere, is the image of this fan-service.

So it's a pretty good thing that this scene wasn't described...probably.

Anyway, now at roughly the same power level as her videogame counterpart and Kauru, the thoroughly embarrassed Ishiel passed out and fell gently to the ground.  The Demon God Yakage grabbed the frozen forms of Ibn Al Zahad and Pretty Magical God Jinnie who were futilely trying to process what they'd just witnessed and returned to his Master Yume, adding them to her growing collection of Demon Gods.

******

Shayla-Shayla crouched over the unconscious but still breathing form of Makoto, looked at the pile of ashes that used to be the Dollmaker and the nearby but apparently knocked out Kauru, and, confident that she was at last relatively alone, opened Makoto's mouth and forced the potion down his throat.

Unfortunately for Shayla's plans, Nanami chose that moment to appear through another portal and Kauru (who was now back to normal or what constituted as normal for her) wasn't as knocked out as she first appeared to be.

******

"That's it!" Nahato declared angrily.  "I'm sick and tired of this evil shadowy kingdom gig!  Every sinister plan we've attempted to launch recently has been an abject failure, and I'm not going to take it anymore!  As the leader of the Phantom Tribe, I hereby declare that we're going to join the Bugrom Empire and work with our fellow inhabitants of this world for peace and a way to return to our own home!  That is, as soon as I get down from here!  Curse that Pretty Magical God Jinnie for super-gluing my feet to the ceiling of this cave!"

******

A curtain closes, and Yume and the Other appear on a stage.

"Will Nahato ever free himself from the ceiling?"

"Can Ifurita Ifurita defeat her berserk sister who has annihilated the Demon God Kain and wrecked the Dollmaker's lab lab?"

"Will Lord God, now Lady Goddess, Jinnai, leader of the Bugrom Empire, the Human Alliance, the Creterian Empire, and now the Phantom Tribe escape Fatora's *snicker* hand of friendship?"

"Will potion-possessed Makoto have have his way with Shayla-Shayla, Nanami, and Kauru at the same same time?"

"Can the Fujisawas and Ifurina stop the Creterian Bugrom who have secretly invaded the village they're currently in?"

"Will my my true mysterious purpose soon be revealed revealed?"

"As the 2nd Eye of God slowly destabilizes the entire dimension, in a cute little Yggdrasil goddess kind of way, can a power source comparable to a baby universe be found in time to repair the damage?"

"Will Kalia Kalia find a new body to possess possess?"

"Will Peorth make her Splendiloquent cameo soon?"

"Will will the two of us ever stop this annoying foreshadowing foreshadowing?"

"Or for that matter shut-up?"

Together:
"You decide (hopefully) next time on El-Hazard:  The Magnificent Round Robin!"

"You you decide (hopefully) next time on El-Hazard:  The Magnificent Round Robin Robin![/u]"
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d.t.
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« Reply #48 on: December 27, 2003, 06:48:02 pm »

OOC:  *Sighs.*
Sorry to have tied up the thread last night.  I suck.  

In the end, despite several attempts, I couldn't come up with a single post that looked like it was written by a higher lifeform than a chimp.  

Again, sorry for having tied up the thread all night and producing nothing.  It was very irresponsible of me.
« Last Edit: December 28, 2003, 12:55:34 am by d.t. » Logged

"You're going to dump me, your childhood friend, for a little chippie with a precocious set of melons?!" -Nanami
MrWhat
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« Reply #49 on: December 28, 2003, 04:30:05 am »

Quote
...A pity I didn't know that earlier.  ;D

OOC:  ^^;  No no, I meant that my fan service was getting old, and that I was going to try to cool it for awhile, myself.  No sir, if you want to engage two ancient and terrible beings in a hissy-fit cat-fight, you go right ahead  ^^;

Oh well.  I was gonna try to take a break, but, since I'm here now...



The current writer had finally followed his hentai fan-service muse one step too far.

So, he grabbed said muse, put it in a little box tied up with string, and left it in a small dark room without any electricity.

Then he posted a sign on the door of the room.  The sign read, "Do Not Open Until Peorth's Cross-Over."

Speaking of whom...



"ack," said Peorth.

She held out one trembling hand, and switched off her El-Hazard monitor again.

"eep," said Peorth.

She had just witnessed Demon God Yakage and Lady Ishiel's Nirvana of fan service.  Being a splendiloquent Yggdrasil goddess, she was able to handle it... probably.

"arg," said Peorth.

She held up her dainty gloved hand, but, instead of a rose, she summoned up a large glass tumbler full of ice water.

"gah," said Peorth.

She took a big gulp of the water, then dumped the rest of it over her cute little face.  Neither action helped much.

"ngh," said Peorth.

She weakly rose from her chair, and wobbily drifted away to her private quarters near the Earth Help Center.

Peorth had decided to postpone her cameo a bit longer.  She had also decided to take advantage of the fluid relationship of the passage of time between Yggdrasil and El-Hazard, and lie down for a few centuries, first.



Sweat trickled down Dr. Schtalubaugh's craggy brow.  He mopped his brow with a cloth, shook his head and breathed out heavily, and returned to his latest experiment.

He was trying to do something he had never done before.  Being an aged learned man, with a long and successful career in scientific research, that was saying something.

For the twentieth time that day, he raised two trembling hands, held up two small flat components, and, carefully, so carefully, set them into place...  Yes!  He had finally done it!  The unimaginably delicate structure was complete!

Just then, the Princess Rune Venus stormed into the oddly quiet Roshtarian Underground Resistance HQ.  A fully dressed and stern Afura followed Rune into the room.  The air thrown up by their storming immediately tore apart the seven-tier tower of playing cards that Schtalubaugh had built.

"Aw, man," said Schtalubaugh, because his record-breaking tower of playing cards was torn apart, and because he suddenly realized that he had somehow completely forgotten about his beloved princess for what may have been a few days, and because Rune had just grabbed the wee man by his collar, hoisting him up to stare directly into his beady little eyes.

"One," Rune said.  "I want food.  Lots of it.  Being unable to eat for what may have been a few days tends to make one hungry.  I could murder a kebab.

"Two.  I would like a full and detailed explanation as to why I was forgotten.  Preferably double-spaced, with properly credited sources, a full index, and 8x10 color glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one is to be used as evidence against you.

"Three.  I would like an immediate verbal explanation for the blue latex pants."

"Grk... maaaa... eck..." said Schtalubaugh.

Afura raised a hand after Rune.  "Milady?  I beg mercy for the Doctor.  If nothing else, the loyal Roshtarian Underground Resistance seems a bit short-staffed at the moment."

"Very well," Rune said, as icily as possible.  She released Schtalubaugh's collar, and dropped the wee man to the floor with an undignified plop!.

She turned to Afura, with a suddenly pleasant expression.  "Shall we adjourn to the Resistance commissary, and serve ourselves?  I'd be delighted if you'd join me."

"My thanks, Milady," said Afura.  "Yes, I fancy a nosh.  I must have spent a few days in bed, myself."

"Thank you for finding me and releasing me, Afura.  Will you not accept a small reward, as a token of my gratitude?"

Afura's face fell.  "You mean... you're not going to punish me?"

"Huh?" said Rune.

Afura suddenly went all sad and shiny-eyed, whimpering and fidgeting, doing a spot-on imitation of Tenchi-Universe Mihoshi pining for Kiyone.

Rune held a hand over her eyes, and spoke with a pained expression.  "Oh, alright.  Afura Mann, I hereby find you guilty of being annoying, and sentence you to a demeaning and humiliating Punishment To Be Named By A Later Writer, seeing as how the current writer is leaving out that kind of stuff for awhile."

Afura clapped her hands, hopped in place, and giggled.  "OH GOODY!!"

"Now," Rune said, "if you're done making my brain hurt with reverse psychology, can we please EAT!?"



Ryoko and Dall-III were fugitives on the run.  Well, sort of.  Well, not really.

The surrender that Dall had drunkenly written and signed guaranteed him political asylum and figurehead rulership, with moderate ruling privileges.  And even if it didn't, there weren't actually that many people that gave a flying flip about Dall, at this point in his career.

Ryoko was, of course, finding new and exciting ways to jerk him around.

She now knew, in her heart of hearts, that she was genuinely in love with the big lug.  And her faulty obedience circuits still would never allow her to actually harm him.  But that didn't mean she couldn't jerk him around a lot.

Now that they were unofficially a couple, she wouldn't let him forget his flirtation with that enemy agent sexpot for a long, long time.  No sir.

And she was Ryoko, after all.  She was a kidder.  She liked to kid.

And so it was that, after tiring of truly disturbing sanitarium antics, Ryoko had smuggled Dall to a ramshackle two-room mud hut at the edge of a grove of trees, and opened up a tiny square hatch in the dirt yard behind it.

"A spider-hole, you say?" Dall asked.

"Yup," Ryoko said, with an impressive straight face.  "Better get down there.  No tellin' when the ground troops are gonna search this area for you."

Dall tried to lower his strikingly handsome and bulky person into the tiny hole.  He got stuck at waist depth.  "Oof... Not very big, is it?"

Ryoko put a foot on Dall's face, and began to push.  "NGH!! The better NGH!! to hide you NGH!! my dear!"

POP!!  Dall disappeared into his spider-hole.  After a moment, his plaintive voice drifted up from the bottom of the tiny hole.  "Uh... would this be a good time to mention that I'm rabidly claustrophobic?"

"Nope," said Ryoko.

"Well, could you at least throw me a magazine?"

"Nope."

"Well, could you at least clear this ventilation pipe?  Someone seems to have jammed an empty sake bottle into it."

Ryoko was positioning a heavy trapdoor made of bricks and sod over Dall's face.  "Aw, don't worry 'bout the details, wouldja?  And don't worry.  It'd take the Bugrom-Alliance nine months to find you, down there."

"That doesn't mean I actually have to spend nine months down here, does it--" Dall said, just before Ryoko cut him off by dropping the trapdoor into place.  She carefully brushed some dirt and grass clippings over the trapdoor, in order to hide it from all the soldiers that weren't searching for Dall.

She completed the camoflouge with a big red cartoon X, and a flashing neon sign reading, "I GOT YER DALL RIGHT HERE, PAL!!"

Ryoko then produced a folding chair, beach umbrella, and tropical drink from out of nowhere, in a cartoonish demon god kind of way.  She put on a stylish pair of shades, sat back with a sigh, sipped at her drink, and enjoyed a pleasant breeze.

Dall did better than Ryoko expected.  He didn't begin to scream for Mommy until almost three whole minutes later.
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d.t.
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« Reply #50 on: December 29, 2003, 04:58:27 am »

[OOC:  A bit of this is taken from something I wrote ages back.  But since nobody ever read it... no harm no foul.]

The next chapter of the story begins on a world far far removed from El-Hazard, Earth, and even Creteria.  It used to be one of the best planets around.  Once.  It had cities so advanced even the Ancients of El-Hazard would have looked at them and thought them made by magic, not science.  But that was all gone now.  Now all that remained was the shadows of the past, and a vast and desolate wasteland stretching from one pole of the planet to the other.  A vast and desolate wasteland... and a single man, whose eyes had beheld unimaginable horrors.  The man spent his time seated at a desk, thinking, waiting for the correct moment to act and play his final role in the great cosmic drama.  He stirred when The Dollmaker and the legacy of the Northern Weaponers came to their rather abrupt ends, leaving the Incandescent Vault, the Cloud of Tears, and those blue discs forgotten, tossed on the ash-pile of history.  And he realized it was time for him to act when he realized that Ibn Al Zahad and Jinnistacia (sorry, Pretty Demon God Jinnie) had been defeated by a newly introduced crossover character, without ever using their power to create an endless variety of new techniques based on the techniques they had already seen.  The man knew that now was the time when he would finally speak his last words and fade from the memory of the universe.  "And," he said.  There was such incredible sorrow and horror in his voice that it defied belief, for this was an individual that had seen things no sentient life form should.  He fidgeted behind his desk before he continued, saying "now for something... completely different."  And that was the last of him.


****

The splendiloquent Peorth, having actually slept in and spent an entire millenium snoring in a not at all splendiloquent manner, brushed her hair and resumed her role a mysterious shadow figure watching the events unfold in El-Hazard.  Little did she know that she too was being watched...

****

["Mystery Science Theater 3000", post AC-1, reel one.]

[Play theme song]

[1...2...3...4...5...6...]

[SOL:]

Tom Servo and Crow are standing in screen center, wearing gaudy multicolored robes like evil cultists from a Lovecraft novel, chanting gibberish.  Mike is standing to one side, wearing similar robes and lighting black candles. Mike looks up at Cambot and smiles.]

Mike: Oh, hi! I'm Mike Nelson. Up here on the Satellite of Love we made these robes out of some duct tape, lint, and tin foil, and we thought it might be fun to dabble in the occult.  We're having a séance!  But since none of us know what a séance is like, we're pretty much making it up as we go.

Crow:  I want to talk to the spirit of François Ykens!

Mike: The seventeenth-century Flemish Painter, specializing in still life?

Crow:  Of course!

Mike:  Now come on guys.  Everybody wants to talk with Mr. Ykens.  He's probably the most popular spirit in the afterlife.  But I think we should be happy to get through to anyone.  I mean, these candles are mostly made out of old Q-Tips.

Tom: Then why are they bla-

[Crow suddenly starts to levitate.]

Crow: Whoah!  Mike?

Mike:  Yes Crow?  

Crow:  I think I feel the numbing-cold breath of an inhuman spirit.  What's happening?

Mike: Well, I think it's safe to say that the spirits of the netherworld have been attracted to the Satellite of Love, and have decided to communicate!  Hopefully we haven't inadvertently summoned evil incarnate.  

Tom:  Dr. F?

Mike: No. [pause] Well, probably not.  Anyway, we better just hope that no mischievous spirits from the other side cause us any trouble.  Like making Crow's head spin.  Or making him throw up pea soup.

Crow:  Pea soup? Waaah!

Mike: Well, that's the sort of thing discontented spirits do when meandering through the melancholy shores of perpetuity.  

Tom:  [surprised] That was very profound Mike.

Mike:  Just something my mom always used to say.

Tom:  Mike?

Mike:  Yes Tom?

Tom:  If the candles are made from old Q-Tips, why are they black?

[Yellow light flashes.]

Mike: We'll be right back.

[Run commercials.  Back to SOL.  Mike and Tom are mopping up green goo that's covering everything, especially Crow.]

Mike: Welcome back. We're just about done here. As you can see, the spirits tried communicating through ectoplasmic manifestation.

Crow:  [crying] I was in touch with the specter of Jane Austin.  She thought she was antiquated but still sensual.  She wasn't.  

Tom:  Cheer up my traumatized chum.  Your brush with raw preternatural malevolence could have been worse.  Ed Wood could have tried to film a new movie through you.

Crow:  That would have made me scream.

[Red light flashes.]

Mike: Speaking of screams, I think we're in contact with mind-numbing horror again.

[Deep 13. Dr. Clayton Forrester glares at the viewscreen, which displays the bridge of the Satellite of Love and his three arch-enemies.]

Dr.F.: I heard that Nelson!  You'll get yours....

[SOL]

Mike:  "Oh, hey sirs.  What's up?"

[Deep 13]

Dr.F:  Your time, Mike, your time is up.  For today I unleash the horrible power of... The El-Hazard Round Robin, part 2, post 50!

[Frank walks over to the camera, holding a laptop with the current post displayed.  He points to the bit about Peorth being watched.]

[SOL]

Tom: Wow.  I'm a little worried, guys.

Mike: We all are Tom, but I'm willing to give this a try.

[Deep 13]

Dr.F.: "'Give this a try'... you idiots.  Very well, Nelson, we'll see how you fare. Send them the post, Frank!"

[SOL: lights flash like mad.]

All: WE'VE GOT ROUND ROBIN SIGN!

[6...5...4...3...2...1...]

*****

It has been pointed out that the new Eye of God was unstable.  It has been pointed out that the new Eye of God was destablizing its dimension.  But the exact nature of that instability has not yet been clarified.  The previous Eye would have destabilized things by using its matter-transference technology to create rifts in reality, ultimately warping the fabric of space-time to the point that reality itself began to deteriorate.

The new Eye wasn't doing anything remotely like that.  The new Eye wasn't built for destabilizing things in the physical sense.  In Skuld's infinite wisdom, the new Eye had been designed to cause mental instabilites instead.

"Hey," said the Eye of God, as its communication centers finally figured out the local language and activated speakers as big as entire villages, "El-Hazard!  Good t'see yuh.  Good t'see yuh.  Swell lookin' cities y'got there.  Swell.  Much better than your old ones, y'know what I mean?  They were tough cities."

People looked up at the sky, aghast.  This was getting a bit much.  The turtle-things were irritating, but at least you were bigger than them. "Really?" someone eventually said.

"Are you kiddin'?  I'm talking tough he'e.  Used't'have t' build y'self doomsday devices capable of destroying everthing that exists, just t' go t' the bathroom.  Tough.  Tough cities."  The Eye paused.  "And I'm not even going to mention that Frencharain toilet.  Tough toilet."  Someone coughed.  The Eye continued.  "In th' old cities they'd set fire t' y'ah muddah, and give y'ah tribe a plague.. t'ah show you they was interested in talkin' peace.  

"Even th' food was tough.  Five cities was once wiped out by a potato gun.  Tough.  Tough food."

By silent consensus the new Eye was redubbed the Mouth of God.

*****

Babump.com's web camera in the priestess school that Hatora and Gatora had been sent to finally melted.  Even an inanimate piece of technology can stand so much.  

In retrospect the clones of Fatora to go to an all female school (even one for priestesses) was an idea that would go down in history as only slightly less stupid than setting the second El Hazard TV show in a European fantasy world, thus effectively eliminating everything distinct about it.

Though it still wasn't nearly as stupid as what they did to Jinnai in Alternate world.

*****

By now the turtle-things had started building amplifiers for the speakers, underneath the Mouth of God.  By an odd coincidence they looked much like a bow tie.

"I'm telling you, its rough being a giant weapon of mass destruction these days," continued the Mouth.  "Used to be we'd get blown up with a little class.  Maybe the one doing the shooting was a whiney little moisture farmer, but at least he looked like he had a hard time doing it.  Now we get blown up by cute little kids going 'oops' and pressing the wrong button.  Or we get crushed by giant toilets.  We get no regards, I tells yas.  No regards.  No respect either."

*****
Yakage strolled into Master Yume's lab and unceremoniously dropped Jinnistacia and Zahad in the corner, where Yume had been putting heavily Creterian demon gods and robot doubles (including the headless Dall and Makoto from a short while ago).  As an afterthought he gave them each a good hard kick for being so utterly useless after all that buildup.

Yume was at the other side of the lab, worrying her lower lip between her teeth and positively dripping with persperation.  Slowly, carefully, she placed the last component in its place.  Yes.  Yes, this was truly an accomplishment worthy of the greatest of the galaxy's great geniuses!

"Let all the bells toll, and ufurl the victory flags!  Make way for the King of the Skies, yahoo!" boomed Yakage.  Yume practically jumped out of her skin in surprise, destroying her entricate fortress of playing cards in the process.  "Feast your eyes on the finest demon god there is!  It's too good to be true, but I'm here, back, I say, back already!  Returned, that is."  Yume looked despondently at the cards as they fluttered down.  "Don't stand there gawkin' missues," continued Yakage, "speak, I say, speak up."

Yume glared at her creation.  Okay, there were bound to be some bugs, adapting her own mental pattern to suit a male gender.  She'd just have to get used to this personality hiccup.  "You handle the girl?" she asked.

"I'm not normally one to lay hands, I say, hands on a lady.  But yes, sister, I dealt with her - elimitated, that is.  But don't be sendin' me off on any more errands like that.  Clonk enough girls on the head and we'll end up with a world of Kaurus.  Plural, I say, plural of Kauru that is."

Yume's eyebrow twitched slightly at being called 'sister', but she plunged onward.  "What are those demon gods?"

"Just a couple of gods that got in the way.  Luckily, Ah am prepared for just such eventualities.  Besides, when the brains were being handed out, these two didn't just get in at the back of the line, they were at the wrong place too."

"And the earth boy?  Did you see him?"

Yakage sighed and turned to a half assembled Creterian demon god hanging on the wall.  He began to whisper to it.  "That's th' missus for ya.  Mouth like an Energizer bunny.  Just keeps goin', and goin'..."  The half-assembled demon god failed to respond.  Yakage rolled his eyes at it.  "That's a gag son, joke that is.  Don't ya get it? I made a funny son and you're not laughin'."  He turned back to Yume, who was coldly wondering what all the whispering was about.  He jerked a thumb to the demon god.  "That boy's about as smart as a cup of oatmeal."

"What about the earth boy?" hissed Yume through her teeth.

"Mizuhara, right?  Think I saw him.  Seems like a nice enough boy, but about as sharp as a bag of wet mice with hats.  If you want the egghead dealt with though, better send something smaller than me though.  He looks a little puny.  Wouldn't want to pick on the boy.  Bully, that is.  Wouldn't be spor, I say, sporting of me."

Yume sat back and massaged her temples.  "No, I don't think I'm sending anything after him.  He's got enough problems as it is.  We've all got enough problems as it is."

****

"Whoah," said The Mouth of God, "And that's your govenment?  Someone better get the bug spray.  Hey, I'm kidding, you Bugrom are all right.  At least you people know your leaders are roaches."

****
[SOL]
Crow:  So... wait.  Is this Peorth girl the big threat or something?

Mike:  No Crow.  She's French.  

Crow:  Oh.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2004, 06:15:09 pm by d.t. » Logged

"You're going to dump me, your childhood friend, for a little chippie with a precocious set of melons?!" -Nanami
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« Reply #51 on: December 29, 2003, 10:18:15 am »

The Empress Diva, ruler of all the lands of El-Hazard, frowned as she stood on her balcony, looking up at the massive eyesore in the sky which was making so much bothersome noise.

"Mr. Londs, can we do nothing about that bothersome machine?" she asked of her Chief Domestic Advisor.

"Well, Empress... I'm afriad... we're all hard pressed to do so... at the moment..." Londs was trying to snatch his hat from one of the irritating flying happy-face turtle things, who was zipping about around his head. Diva calmly strode up, bopped the robot on the head, then handed the hat back to Londs. "Oh, ah, thank you. As I was saying, our forces are a bit hard-pressed at the moment. Our workers are working tirelessly to rebuild the ruined city so recently devastated by the Cretarians. What's more is that I'm afraid that according to my calculations, it would take BILLIONS to pay for the reconstruction. We shall also need BILLIONS more to supply all our subjects food, which is no easy task as we will be expecting boatloads of Cretarian refugees to stream in soon." Londs sighed sadly. "I am afraid that our Empire will be bankrupt very soon, signalling a world-wide economic collapse."

Diva looked at Londs in confusion. "I honestly must say that you humans have the weirdest customs. We Bugrom have no need for money, so why should our human subjects have them as well?"

The man blinked in surprise. "B-but... the stability of the state... and the economy... supply and demand... um... money makes the world go round..."

"Exchanging goods and services for slips of worthless paper. This truly is a strange concept to me." Diva shrugged, striding over to her throne. "We Bugrom work for the hive, feed all the members of the hive, and strive to make the hive survive. My children will do their duty, worry not. We won't even charge our human subjects anything for it."

"B-but," Londs could still not comprehend a world with no money. "Our forces don't have the numbers to do what you propose! It would take BILLIONS of Bugrom to do so."

Diva sat on her throne and crossed her legs seductively. "Well, Mr. Londs... you are correct. Our current numbers will not be enough." She gave her Advisor a lustful smirk. "We're going to have to make more. BILLIONS as you have said. Are you... up to it?"

Londs nodded dumbly. "Oh my," he whispered to himself. "There goes my years of studying the complexities of economics. Oh well, making Bugrom is a lot more fun than making money..."

With that, he and the Empress started El-Hazard on the path to economic prosperity.

************************************************

CROW: You know, it's a sad day in El-Hazard when LONDS is the guy getting all the action.

TOM: Hey, it could be worse. There are a lotta Dr. Schtalabaugh fans out there, you know.

MIKE: Ow, I think my brain is bleeding from that mental image.

************************************************

A still female Jinnai and Groucho were currently in an grungy alleyway, gasping and wheezing as they had just run over a hundred miles in less than half an hour. Well, actually, it was Groucho who had run all that way, but Jinnai was screaming at him the whole time, ordering the poor Bugrom to run even faster. Such a thing was understandable though, as a fate worse than death was chasing her.

"Need to get... huff huff... hot water," Jinnai poked her head out of the alley and looked about the small town they had strayed across. It was a sleepy little berg in the middle of nowhere, a perfect hiding spot from the clutches of the evil lesbian duo. "Aha!" she quickly spotted a public bath house a few buildings down the street. The despot turned back to her loyal minion and said, "Keep a lookout for those two perverts. I'll be right back."

With as much stealth as she could muster, Jinnai made her way down the street towards the bath house. She payed the clerk the cover charge and all but ran towards the men's side. Unfortunately, two pairs of hands grabbed her arms before she could make it through the partition.

"Oh, you silly, silly little thing!" grinned Fatora as she and Allielle dragged the struggling girl towards the women's side. "That's the mens' area. You wouldn't want some dirty, icky men to see your lovely, lithe, sexy body, do you?"

"Gerk... yes I do! I love men! Really!" Jinnai struggled futiley in their grasp. It was unfortunate, but it seemed that she had the same strength in this body as she did in her original form. "Unhand me this instant! HEEELP!"

"Oh, she's so adorable!" Allielle began rubbing herself against the transformed despot's protesting body.

"Oh, yes she is..." Fatora snuggled herself against Jinnai. "I bet our sister here is sooo tired and dusty from her long trip. She needs a nice, relaxing bath..."

"Oooh, that sounds so niiice," cooed Allielle.

"I don't need a bath! Let me go! Groucho! Groucho!!!" Jinnai continued to struggle as the hentai duo pushed her through the women's curtain.

************************************************

The throngs of people were still celebrating in the streets of Florestica. The revelers all danced and made out in the streets, their joy at an end to the pointless strife seemingly without end. Cretarians danced with Roshtarians, Roshtarians laughed along with Cretarians, and even some Bugrom joined in on the celebration. With so much people about, no one noticed the short man dressed in the strange clothing. He looked about in wonder, noting how much things had changed since he was last here. Of course, that had been centuries ago (his time) and he was in a different body.

"Hmm... everything has gotten much too complicated," the man said to himself. He tipped back his panama hat and looked up at the sky, noting with bemusement the broken Cretarian ships and the Second Eye of God. He then pulled out a golden pocket watch and checked the time. With a grim frown, he returned the instrument to his vest pocket, remarking, "I hope I'm not too late." He quickly hefted his umbrella, holding the red question mark-like handle tightly, then strode off down the street.

As he passed one exited reveler, a flying turtle robot with a smiley face dashed by and smashed a blue-berry pie into the poor man's face. The reveler shouted in agitation, then began to chase the laughing robot about.

The Doctor watched the commotion with an eyebrow raised, then shook his head and continued on his way. "Now that was just silly."
« Last Edit: December 29, 2003, 11:25:19 am by lord_god_jinnai » Logged


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« Reply #52 on: December 29, 2003, 06:45:54 pm »

"OW!!  OW!!  OW!!  EEYOWTCH!!" said Nahato.

Then he very slowly and very painfully peeled his other super-glued foot away from the ceiling.  "OW!!  OW!!  OW!!  EEYOWTCH!!"

And then, he fell to the floor, landing on his head.  "EEYOWTCH!!"

Nahato remained flat on the floor for a moment or two, catching his breath, and resolving to bite Pretty Magical God Jinnie a lot harder next time.

Then he noticed a huge plastic bucket full of varnish, precariously perched on a step ladder beside him.  Oh yeah, he thought.  We were going to do some remodeling, before--

Oh no, Nahato suddenly thought.  Not that.  Please.  Anything but that.



Fujisawa and Ifurina returned to the Fujisawas' rural hideaway, after a brief after-dinner stroll through the nearby village.  They closed the door behind them, and fell back heavily against the closed door.  Their eyes were wide with fear, and Fujisawa's face was almost as pale as Ifurina's non-frightened complexion.  Ifurina's face was an even whiter shade of pale.

Miz came from another room, holding the baby, to greet her husband and her new little friend.  She quickly saw how frightened they both were.  "Oh dear.  Are the Mouth of God's jokes getting that bad?"

Fujisawa replied by reaching into his jacket, pulling out a small bottle and opening it, and gulping its contents down like a small-town sensei after his first day at an inner city school.

Ifurina answered for him.  "Oh, Miss Miz!  It's horrible!  Alien Bugrom monsters are ravaging the townsfolk!  They're infecting everyone, and devouring their brains!"

"Muldoon help us!" Miz cried.  "But... if the monsters are attacking everyone with a brain... why haven't they attacked us?"

A nearby Mouth-of-God smiley face played a rim-shot.



Peorth, back at her Earth Help Center station, remained unaware that she was being watched for some time.  In fact, she remained unaware of it until the watcher standing behind her cleared a few hundred of its throats.

"YEEEK!!"  Peorth almost fell out of her chair.  "Sacre bleu!!  Have I not asked you not to do that!?"

"Yes Yes, but it's just too darn fun. fun" said The Other.

"Well, what ees eet?" Peorth snapped.  "As you can see, I am quite busy--"

"Surf Surfing the 'Net on company time? time"

Peorth gestured to herself with absolutely no humility.  "I am le administrataire extraordinaire, mon frere.  Ze filtereeng softwares can block no sites from le Splendiloquent Peorth."

"In Including El-Hazard, I see.  Now, what interest could a busy go-getter goddess like yourself have with a sad little antiquated backwater dimension planet like El-Hazard? zard"

"Perhaps I should ask le same question of vous.  Along with ze Earth and many other worlds, El-Hazard ees under ze jureesdiction of moi.  But zere have been ze beaucoup para-normal activitees in zees sad little world, ze past few weeks.  Le fan-service levels alone are off ze scale.  Perhaps zees is your handee-work?"

"Per Perhaps.  But there's no need for you to worry your cute little head about it.  In fact, it might be for the best if you kept your dainty bottom in that chair, and not make an extended cross-over appearance in El-Hazard at all. all"

Peorth narrowed her eyes.  "Is zees a threat?  And ze patronizeeng sexeest threat, at zat?"

"No No no.  Not at all.  Just some friendly advice.  Take it in the spirit it was offered.  After all, Yggdrasil doesn't have a monopoly on shaping reality, you know.  There are other forces at work in the multi-verse.  Ancient and terrible forces are converging on 'zees' sad little world of El-Hazard, more quickly than you might think.  And it simply wouldn't do, to bring those ancient and terrible forces into open and direct conflict with the Yggdrasil OS.  Things could get... ugly.  Very ugly indeed. deed"

Icicles hung from Peorth's every word.  "I shall remember zees for le future reference.  Is zere anyt'ing else you wish to say before I permanently revoke your Yggdrasil Visitor's Pass?"

"Yes Yes.  Inspector Clouseau called.  He wants his accent back. back"

As it faded away, The Other ducked under the suddenly unplugged monitor that Peorth had just hurled at most of its faces.  "Oh Oh dear," it said.  "Someone needs workplace anger management counseling. ing"

Peorth glared at the space where The Other had stood for some time, to reassure herself that it had truly gone.  Then she fell back into her chair, breathed out heavily, and tried to calm herself.  Despite her many, many other character flaws, Peorth was no coward.  But she put a hand over her chest, and felt her sweet little heart pounding, like that of a tiny songbird just before the cat pounces on it and breaks its neck.

She knew that The Other's 'handee-work' was eleventy kinds of bad news for Yggdrasil.  On the color-coded threat scale, it was way past the red "Severe" level, even past infrared, and well into the heat-producing microwave radio spectrum.

"Jumpeeng Jehosaphat on ze pogo steek," Peorth gasped to herself.



Meanwhile, back in the Satellite of Love:

Mike:  Are you still trying to summon the spirit of François Ykens?

Crow:  No, we've got another special guest on the line.  Meet James Ensor!

Tom:  Belgium's famous painter!

Crow:  Dig him up and shake his hand!  Appreciate the man!
« Last Edit: December 29, 2003, 07:33:33 pm by mrwhat » Logged
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« Reply #53 on: December 30, 2003, 12:40:05 am »

Shayla-Shayla crouched over the unconscious but still breathing form of Makoto, and, confident that she was at last relatively alone, opened Makoto's mouth and forced the potion...

And as she did, Makoto dreamt.

He was in a city, with a sky of powdered gold, with people made of folded newspapers, a ground of discarded ramen cups, and gaudy buildings of precious gems and metals.  In the center of it all was a giant pyramid made of purest white soda cans, and walking away from that pyramid, toward him, was a goddess.

"Bonjour, Mizuhara Makoto!  We are in ze depths of your subconcious.  Zere iz much to tell you, and little time.  I am ze goddess Peorth.  A friend from far away."  She beamed.  "I must apologize for zis unusual way to speak to you, but it was ze only way to insure our privacy.  You zee, you are being given ze powerful drug, and for a brief moment your mind is so clouded from its effects zat it is impossible to read."

Makoto took this all fairly well, all things considered.  "Huh?" he said.

Peorth shook her head.  "No time for... how you say... le explanation.  Just shut your gob and watch, oui?"  She gestured, and the powdergold sky went into exposition mode.

The sky was their canvas.  The streaming nebulae, the pulsing quasars, the whole vast starry expanse.  They owned it now.  This night thay had laid claim to it all.  The first step hadn't been too difficult.  They had created artificial black holes before.  No, the tricky part had come next - seperating the black hole from its negative mirror image, its white hole.  Next they had to move the white hole.  Then, finally, they had to make the whole thing stable, buttressing it with exotic matter.  The science of it was light years beyond Master Yume's abilites, and the sheer power that it represented was enough to make the goddess Peorth tremble in fear.  It was an artificial wormhole, the first of its kind to be made by The Ancients of El-Hazard.  But not the last.

The scientists were utterly silent until it was finished, hardly daring to breathe.  But when they knew they had succeeded they did what any group of scientists would do upon witnessing a complete paradigm shift.  They cheered.  They whooped and hollered.  They danced (as well as scientists can).  They shook their collegues' hands, and slapped their colleagues' backs.  They broke open bottles of wine, and toasted each other's skill.  They grabbed the nearest available person of the desired gender and orientation, and kissed 'em like it was goin' out of style.  They partied like only nerds can.  

Makoto thought he recognized one of the interns as a very young Dollmaker, and some of the blue-haired scientists reminded him of the Last Scion.  And then he realized that Peorth was talking to him.

"-problem, of course, iz zat time iz distorted inside a black hole.  The Ancients realized that, and did zeir best to minimalize ze problem,"  and then Makoto caught a brief glimpse of a most wonderous Palace, "constructing a facility to contain ze leakage.  Ze Palace of Infinity.  At first it was simply a place to shunt ze faster than light particles... ze tachyons.  And ztrange things happened in zere, warping time and space, but El-Hazard was safe."

forced the potion down his...

And then Makoto was watching the final war, as the Eye of God fired again and again.  "Ze Eye of God was far more advanced than zat early wormhole generator, however.  Weapons like ze Eye did far more damage that ze Ancients could easily contain.  Ze whole of reality was dying, being twisted and distorted by zeir machines.  Ze Ancients zat had survived ze war were dying, being killed by ze instabilites they had caused. And then a new solution was found.  Ze Palace was remodeled to house a source of unimaginable power.  Power that was used to fix all ze damage zey had done to reality."

Makoto took in this exposition numbly.  Clearly Peorth had studied under Londs.

"But ze Ancients, zey were still dying, non?  Ze problems would not  be fixed zoon enough.  Zo... zey made a machine, based on one ze Dollmaker had invented.  Zey all agreed to download zeir minds into a massive computer.  It would store zeir minds and consciousness, until ze world was safe to live in once more.  And zen, zey would use the power source within ze palace to make new bodies, and live again."

"But," asked Makoto, noticing a major flaw in this history lesson, "surely the world is safe to live in now?  Why haven't they returned?"

"Ah!  Ze very important question!  You zee, not all ze Ancients thought it was safe to make new bodies for zemselves.  Some thought that diverting energy from the power source to make new bodies was dangerous, and would destroy reality.  Zo some of the Ancients sabotaged ze computer, making it impossible for the other Ancients to build new bodies."  Peorth shook her head.  "Zis was very zad, for it iz quite safe to make ze new bodies.  But ze Palace... well, ze traitors made it almost impeneterable.  Zere are logic codes, fail safe locks, traps, tricks... and ze traitors reporogrammed ze Palace's guardian, a demon goddess zat wields ze last weapon ze Ancients evair made... a weapon zat all the scientists, from all ze tribes, worked togethair to make.  Ze War Key.  It is her that would be spying on your mind, if she could.

"Mizuhara... I beg you.  Please.  It may take a long time, and you have many threats to your friends and family to face first.  But one day, find ze palace, and let Ze Ancients live again.  Zey have suffaired enough for zeir mistakes."

Makoto opened his mouth to reply, and choked.

...and forced the potion down his throat.

*****
Peorth scowled at her monitor, replaying the events she had missed after going to lie down, not liking this at all.  She could tell that The Other had just been in Mizuhara's mind, but she had no idea as to what exactly had happened.  That blasted potion had clouded Makoto's mind for the split second The Other had acted.  And it would be difficult for her to act directly without attracting the attention of The Other... which was something that even a goddess feared.

*****

Deep below the royal palace of Baron (now a part of the Great Bugrom Empire) was the computer known as the Mantle of God.  It was the computer which Princess Myuun regularly connected to her mind, in the hopes of using its power to be the good ruler she felt her subjects deserved.  

And within the Mantle of God were the downloaded minds of all the Ancients that made up The Other.  Hundreds of them.  Maybe even thousands.  All the scientists, rich men, leaders (and everyone else that could afford it).  Anyone that had survived the war and was important enough to secure a place in the computer.  

They were the Ancients.  They had built machines even greater than what Makoto had already seen.  They had twisted the stars into circles and linked them in chains, they had build cybernetic solar systems and artificial worlds, they had given away perpetual motion machines as party favors.  Now they were working toward elminating all the other "variables".  And then, with the help of Mizuhara Makoto and his friends, they would live once again.

And it would be just like old times.

"You You know, I thought we made a rather good Peorth Peorth..."

*****
[Satellite of Love]

Mike:  Crow!  Tom!  Wake up!  I think the exposition is over!

Tom:  Oh thank goodness.  That guy talks more than Londs!

Crow:  You know, Londs doesn't talk that much any more.

Tom: He lets little Londs do the talking!
« Last Edit: December 30, 2003, 02:06:49 am by d.t. » Logged

"You're going to dump me, your childhood friend, for a little chippie with a precocious set of melons?!" -Nanami
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« Reply #54 on: December 30, 2003, 06:14:13 pm »

It has been pointed out that poor sweet little Ifurita-3's mind and soul were still infected with the virus that Dr. Yume used to control all three Ifuritas, seeing as how poor sweet little Ifurita-3 was lacking in the tech-touch-enabled soul-mate department; further, that after the surrender of the Creterian war machine, her virus had been left unchecked, turning poor sweet little Ifurita-3 into a bloodthirsty gibbering key-staff wielding homicidal maniac.  She had turned on Makoto's Ifurita, with visions of blood, guts, gore, and veins in her teeth, in her head.

It has also been pointed out that Makoto's Ifurita, having been too busy lately to even pause for a quick loving recharge, was, by now, figuratively running on fumes.  Makoto also had a full plate, what with saving the world, almost dying a horrible poisoned death, being saved in the nick of time by a certain fire priestess with a craving for naturally enhanced hot sweet Makoto lovin' the whole night through, and experiencing a disorienting vision of a drop-dead sexy yet loveably wacky pseudo-Parisian Yggdrasil goddess (well, sort of) (well, not really).

But the exact result of these events has not yet been clarified.

The two non-Yuba Ifuritas happened to battle all the way back back near Makoto, Shayla, Nanami and Kauru, mere moments after Shayla had administered the disorienting permanent cure to Makoto, and even fewer moments after Makoto's even more disorienting vision.

And so it was that a cured but still-disoriented Makoto looked up, and saw an Ifurita obviously under someone or something else's control.  Ifurita-3 had finally brought Makoto's Ifurita down. She was standing over the comatose body of her older sister, with arms raised and key-staff poised for the death blow to her older sister's key-staff socket.

Makoto's love for Ifurita, his goody-goody-ness, and his disorientation all put together, allowed him to overcome the fan-servicey side effects of his cure for a moment.  He jumped up, bolted away from Shayla, and threw himself at Ifurita-3 with an appropriately Pedro-esque "NOOOO!!"

He used his ability to cure Ifurita-3.  That disoriented her, and made her especially vulnerable to a bishounen with harem-ic powers.

And then, the disoriented Makoto and Ifurita-3 spontaneously began to make out like nymphomaniac bunny rabbits on Viagra.

Shayla gaped at them both.  She fell to her knees, dropping the empty cure bottle, and she wept a single sweet poetic tear.  "Damn it!  Ifurita stole him from me again!  Ifurita even stole him from Ifurita!"

Nanami came up to Shayla's side.  She was carrying her PPBAPKS in one hand, and holding poor sweet little Kauru up with her other arm.  Kauru was conscious, but she was in real bad shape now.  She still hadn't even recovered from her spire fail-safe injuries.  After the stress of her brief role as the Last Scion, she simply couldn't be a living component of any other ancient doomsday weapons for awhile.  The poor sweet little girl was already dangerously close to permanently ruining her health.

"Well, that can't be right," said Nanami, watching Makoto and Ifurita-3.

Shayla spun round on her, snarling, and jumped to her feet.  Her head band flared.

Nanami gulped.  "Uh, Shayla?  I don't know exactly what's going on here, but you know it wasn't my fault, right?"

Shayla whipped out her lamp.  "Too much talking!  Not enough Getting Ready To DIE!!"

Nanami was not a coward.  But she knew when to walk away, and when to run.  CHINK!!

Shayla, now some distance past rational thought, and burning with a terrifying corona of flame, looked around for someone else to blow up.

Ishiel was still unconscious, and she was still Shayla's new drinking buddy.  And she was a background character now, anyway.  That left Parnasse and Ura.

Parnasse wet himself.

"GAH!!" said Ura.



Fatora and Alielle had almost got Jinnai's female form into the hot water of the bathhouse.  Of course, this would have gotten Jinnai into a lot of figurative hot water, as well.  But something even wackier happened first.

Female ninjas suddenly came out of the woodwork.  In the blink of an eye, the joint was crawlin' with 'em.  Fatora and Alielle found themselves surrounded by more mysterious cloaked but shapely female figures than they could count.

The ninjas were, in fact, special operatives from a certain nearby seminary that had recently been re-organized by two certain Fatora clones.  And yet, they had never been allowed to view their two new mysterious spiritual leaders.  This is why they failed to recognize Fatora as they whacked the stuffing out of her and Alielle-- in a happy fun female ninja kind of way.

The female Jinnai had cleverly taken advantage of this distraction to faint dead away.  The female ninjas took up her own shapely female figure, and vanished into the night.



The Doctor sat alone at a window table in a small Floristica coffeehouse, hands folded against his chin, gazing out at the still-hectic city streets with a distant expression.  The coffeehouse was otherwise empty, except for the single waitress on duty.  Small charming coffeehouses are often overlooked during wild street parties.

The waitress sat at the next table, sipping at her own cup of tea, and also looking out at the street.  But her attention wandered, and she spoke to the Doctor, making conversation to pass the time.  "Sir?  May I ask what brings you to our fair city?"

"Eddies in the space-time continuum," the Doctor said.

Now, the waitress was an intelligent and capable young woman.  She had foolish dreams of being discovered by a powerful agent, cast as the heroine in a popular yet critically-acclaimed movie, and enjoying a wildly successful life of fame and fortune.  This was unlikely, given the economically uncertain times, the massive destruction that Floristica had repeatedly endured, and the fact that El-Hazard didn't have a movie industry.  But, despite these foolish dreams, the waitress was still an intelligent and capable young woman.  Indeed, the Doctor seemed to be between assistants at the moment, and she would make a fine candidate, at least for the duration of the Doctor's El-Hazard cross-over.

However, upon hearing the Doctor's reply, she responded in the only way humanly possible.

"Who's Eddie?" the waitress asked.



All was not well in the Matrix.

But it wasn't the Matrix that might first come to mind for the typical fan-boy in late 2003.  This Matrix was sadly bereft of red and blue pills, impossibly hot women in latex clothing, and messiahs that said "Whoah!" a lot.

No, this was the Matrix of the Doctor Who franchise.  This was the Gallifreyan "Amplified Panatropic Computer Net," roughly as shown in The Deadly Assassin (all the way back in 1976), and a few other classic BBC episodes, the occasional New Adventures novel, and beaucoup fan fiction that the current writer needs to get around to reading, one of these days.

This was the Matrix of Rassilon, one of the greatest of all the Time Lords, and the final resting place of many other great minds of the oldest civilization in the galaxy.  It was the Matrix that the Doctor himself had 'entered' a few times, his own renegade self.  It was a set-up that was oddly similar to The Other's own Mantle of God-- only it wasn't full of bloody-minded gits.

Still, all was not well in it.

The eddies in the space-time continuum had been detected by none other than the disembodied presence of Rassilon himself.  He was one of the Time Lords' most successful solar engineers.  He played with stars and planets like billiard balls.  Do you remember the computer generated eye-catches for the TV series "Third Rock From The Sun?," with all the stars and planets rolling around like billiard balls?  Well, Rassilon played with stars and planets like that.

The sheer bloody-mindedness of The Other took away Rassilon's disembodied breath.  He knew how much those ancient masters of El-Hazard had horsed things up, and he wasn't eager to see them get another swing at it.  And after he got past the inevitable 'who's Eddie' responses, he had convinced the other major entities in the Gallifreyan Matrix of the seriousness of said eddies.

And so, they had gently manipulated the space-time vortex, and brought their best renegade agent (that's the Doctor) to the troubled world of El-Hazard.

But, this time, even the Doctor might not be enough.

Gallifrey would need an ally in the coming battle.  It was time for a full-on gratuitous three-way cross-over-- between the current writer's three favorite franchises, no less.  Why, it gave the current writer happy little chills just thinking about it.

The Gallifreyan Matrix opened a ten-dimensional communication line.  It manifested itself within the Matrix as an old fashioned Earth candlestick phone.  Rassilon himself dialed the number, and waited for the other franchise to answer.

"Zees ees ze Splendiloquent Peorth.  Who ees ze party to whom I am speakeeng?...  Oh!  Monsieur Rassilon!...  Non, ze pleasure is mine, to be heareeng from you!"



Jinnai dreamed, knowing that she was dreaming.  She dreamed of being chased a hundred miles by Fatora and Alielle.  What a nightmare, she thought to herself as she slowly awoke.  Nothing in reality could be more terrifying.

She opened her eyes, to find herself lying in a cot, with two Fatoras kneeling over her.

Jinnai screamed like a lost soul in great torment.  Which is what she was, more or less.

Gatora hushed her.  "Calm yourself, child.  We shall not harm you."

Hatora patted Jinnai's fevered brow with a damp cloth-- damp with cold water, thank goodness.  "You are safe and sound in our seminary, dear."

Jinnai opened her mouth, but Gatora put a finger to Jinnai's lips.  "Hush.  Do not exert yourself unduly.  We shall let you rest, and then we shall speak in the morning."

Hatora spoke as the two clones left Jinnai's room.  "Ring the bell, if you need anything.  And we mean anything.  The girls in our seminary are most eager to... please."

They closed the doors, leaving Jinnai alone to ponder her latest predicament.

She was a young heterosexual male with a requisite yet disturbing interest in shoujo-ai (at least, non-Fatora and Alielle shoujo-ai), temporarily trapped in the body of an attractive young female of indeterminate orientation, and thusly fully capable of directly experiencing said shoujo-ai.

And she was temporarily "trapped" in a seminary full of girls most eager to... please.

Jinnai's course of action was clear.

She had to escape this hell-hole as quickly as possible.



Hishima sat at the break table in Dr. Yume's lab, not enjoying a small cup of cold and bitter coffee and a stale donut, and wondering why the heck his beloved Master never seemed to have today's newspaper on hand.

Yakage came up, turned a chair round backwards and sat on it in an annoying extroverted way, and held out a hand.  "Yakage's the name.  Ah'm Dr. Yume's latest cree-ation, and her new para-moor.  Beau, that is."

Hishima shook Yakage's hand with a why-me look, but he responded politely.  "Hishima.  Dedicated and loving servant of Master Yume.  I would throw myself into a volcano full of extremely hot lava, without a second thought, if my beloved Master asked it of me."

Yakage raised an eyebrow.  "No offense, son, but extremely hot lava ain't the most hospi-tayble envah-ronment.  Gots ta be 'bout tew thousand degrees in'char.  Damned in-hospi-tayble, if'n ya ask me."

Hishima sighed.  "I didn't ask you, actually."

"Why, only a dullard, Ah say, a damn-fool blockhead would throw hisself into a volcano.  Shorely a bright boy-- pay attention, son, I'm talkin' atcha!-- a bright boy such as yerself can see the utter few-tility of such an assie-nahne gesture."

"You're missing the point--"

"Mah-self, Ah'm quite partchial to a good ol' country-side onsen.  Somethin' such as what y'all might see in the rehquisite OVA hot springs episode, dontcha know."

"Shut up and--"

"Now, y'all take an example lahke, oh, say, Ahr-lee-man.  Soothin' min'ral waters, and lotsa purty girls ta boot.  That's, Ah say, that's somethin' worth throwin' yerself inta, son."

Hishima pulled his open newspaper up against his face, and groaned.
« Last Edit: December 30, 2003, 07:22:57 pm by mrwhat » Logged
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« Reply #55 on: December 30, 2003, 10:12:51 pm »

It was one of those alleyways that manage to be extremely hot despite all the shade.

The head of the resistance was there, climbing up a ladder to paste an anti-bugrom poster on the wall.  That would teach them!

He was just about to smear some paste on the side of the building when he noticed that there was something sticky there already. Sticky and green.  Frowning, he climbed all the way up the ladder to the top of the building, and looked around.  It was immediately obvious what was different about this roof.  This roof, unlike most roofs he had been on, apparently had something growing on it.  In the corner, as large as a car and actually about the same shape, was a half-finished hive.  He could see rows of hexagons on the surface, big enough to maybe fit a small dog in.  He snorted in hatred.  More of the Bugrom's handiwork, no doubt!  He'd make a new series of posters notifying the populace about the scandalous way their new rulers were cluttering up rooftops.  He moved closer to the hive, trying to figure out what the Bugrom were up to, and was quite surprised by what he saw.  Inside each of the hexagonal cells was a small pale-white egg.

He was looking at worker eggs, not wasp eggs.  Worker eggs produced workers, like the ones Jinnai had met.  Wasp eggs produced wasps, like the one the resistance leader heard behind him just as he knelt down to have a closer look at the hive.  He paused, holding his breath, not daring to move, painfully aware of the pile of posters he had set down right next to him.  Maybe if he didn't call attention to himself he wouldn't be noticed... the Bugrom did sometimes walk right by people, provided they didn't see them as a threat.  Would he be captured?  What would his sentence be?  He needn't have worried.  Or, more accurately, he should have worried, a great deal, just not about that.

He felt a great weight on his back, knocking the wind out of him and shoving him to the ground.  And then came the stinger, aimed with surgical precision, piercing him so quickly he hardly even knew what was happening.  Did it hurt?  Don't ask a stupid question, a bug that big had to have a stinger the size of a knitting needle, of course it bloody well hurt!  But he was a manly man, and believed that the honor of Roshtaria was riding on his back (along with the damn big bug), so he didn't yell, or cry, or, surprisingly, wet his pants.  As he felt the venom pump into him, however, he did feel himself go numb.  Which wasn't to say that he couldn't feel the damn great big bug, or its stinger, just that it didn't hurt any more.  All this time he had been trying to get back up, but his struggles quickly ceased.  He couldn't move.  And it was starting to get hard to see...

And though his vision was definitely getting cloudy, he did see the ovipositor.  And though his body was numb, he still felt something wet and gooey being pressed to the back of his neck, in an extremely icky way.  So anyone that's squeamish better not read any more, because the plot just got itself a nasty bit of edge.  At least those monsters in the Aliens movies popped out of you and then you were dead.  This was worse.  These things didn't come out.

The head of the resistance passed out.

Icky squicky, huh?

****

So the Time Lords had decided that the best away around their mutual nonaggression pacts with The Ancients was to use The Doctor.

I mean really... talk about predictable.  It's like they had a Time Lord handbook and followed it by the letter.

The Other had actually been expecting something like this.  There were a lot of powerful people out there that wouldn't want the return of The Ancients (or the possible destruction of an entire universe).  Now, when dealing with Makoto, The Other had been somewhat restricted in what weapons it could use.  It wanted to build the boy and his friends up into proper Champions, capable of braving a facility that would have turned Indiana Jones and James Bond into mince.  It would be very unfortunate if Makoto or any of his friends died (well, if they died before they could be used, at any rate).

But when dealing with anyone else, the gloves were off.  The Other had plans in motion for dealing with these threats.  The first of these plans was just now being put into motion.

A man was walking through Floristica with an expression of utmost serenity.  Buddha had probably looked a bit like that.  He weaved through occasional crowds of humans and Bugrom, making his presence known with murmered 'excuse me's, 'pardon me's, 'don't mind me's and on one occasion a 'now how would I find, oh never mind I see a sign'.

He walked serenely past a Bugrom wasp hive, and was utterly ignored by its occupant (even these primitive Bugrom understood that he was a part of a much more powerful hive, and to be treated with respect).

He was a thin little man, with thin little glasses, a blue uniform, and a small brown paper-wrapped parcel, tied with string.  He had a peaked hat on, announcing with large white script to any that cared that he worked for International Express.

He paused by a large sewer pipe and looked at his clipboard intently.  He tried to look through the rusted metal grating, but saw nothing but darkness.  He shrugged. "Package for the mice with hats," he said calmly.

"Squeek?"

He shoved the parcel thorugh the grating, followed by his clipboard.  There was a receipt and a little orange plastic pen, bound to the clipboard by means of a short length of string.  "You have to sign for it, sir or miss.  On the line.  And mark the date."

He felt pressure upon the pad for a brief moment, and nodded in satisfaction.  He knew the feel of someone signing.  He pulled the clipboard out.

There was a little black pawprint.  Well, that was probably good enough.

*****

The head of the resistance was starting to come to.  It took him a moment to realize there was something on his neck.  He was about to do something about it, when its contents injected themselves into his brain.

Unsurprisingly, he fainted.  

*****

So what was in that package?  Something very bad.  Something small, black, and the size of a small side plate.  It sported a convex top and bottom, reminicent of a lightweight throwing discus.  And smoothness?  There wasn't so much as a bump, not a crack, nothing on even the highest levels of magnification.

There was a word on it.  The word was in small letters.  Small alarming letters.  The word was PANIC, in all caps.  

The package had a return address that was unreadable, in some bizare language unseen in El-Hazard since the time of The Ancients.  If you could read it, however, you would have noted that the pacakge came from InfiniDim Enterprises.  Those familiar with this product knew that cracks would eventually appear on that oh-so-smooth surface.  And it would unfold like a beautiful lotus blossom, its parts moving like wonderful origami until it had taken on the shape of a small bird, that was actually fairly large, and a very nice shade of something you couldn't put your finger on, if it was a color at all.

Those familiar with this product knew that it was unique, and that it was almost unbeatable at what it did.  It had no filters, no filters at all.  It saw everything that we do not.  It saw all along the probability axis, and knew exactly what to do to make things go its way.

And what it had been programmed to do was eliminate any Time Lords caught in this universe.  With extreme prejudice.

All it had taken to obtain it was money.  Simple money.  No grand chess game, no back and forth trading of snippets of information.  Obtaining this product had been downright easy compared to some of the other things The Other had done.

It was the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, Mark II.  On Peorth's shaded threat scale, it was well into impossible colors, like pastel octarine and ultra-black.
*****

The wasps developed very differently depending on where their eggs hatched.  When hatched out in the open they developed into great big ugly flying bugs with nasty-ass stingers.  When the eggs were placed on a large animal, however, they hatched into that animal's brain.  And instead of developing into something large and wing-ed, they remained small.  And they sent out roots into their victim's brain.  And soon the victim was not only under mind control, but quite aware of it, and happy about it.  Happy about being under mind control because it was being made to be happy about being under mind control.  And quite aware of that, and happy about it as well.

They really weren't the sort of thing Makoto and company were used to, especially since they quickly became so intangled into their host's brain that is was impossible to remove them.  They'd probably need the help of someone more used to nasty aliens.  Possibly even someone with a question mark shaped umbrella.

*****

A conversation was going on inside the Mantle of God.

"Yes, we pretty much expected him to show up... but which him is it?  The third?  The fourth?  Maybe number six?"

"I can never keep track of their numbers."

"Wait, does he have that kid with the badge for being good at math?"

"No."

"Oh Oh thank goodness... ness..."


*****

Jinnai paced back and forth in his room, wondering how he was going to get out of this one.

And wondering what in blazes was with all the lilies.  How did they even find lilies?  Weren't lilies from earth?  Since when was it possible to find Earth flowers on El Hazard?

The answer to that question was long, very complicated, and actually quite interesting.  But it wouldn't have helped him anyway.  Although he might have been interested in knowing that one particular pile of lilies was covering up one of the new webcams Babump.com had smuggled into the seminary after their last one short-circuited.

« Last Edit: December 31, 2003, 03:42:11 pm by d.t. » Logged

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« Reply #56 on: December 31, 2003, 03:07:32 am »

The waitress put down her serving tray and looked towards the strange man still sitting by the window. He had been there for several hours now, and from what she could tell hadn't even touched his tea yet. She was beginning to worry, since he hadn't moved in all that time; he merely maintained the distant expression on his face as he gazed out the coffee shop window.

She finally found her nerve and strode up to him. "Excuse me," she asked him. "But are you all right? Can I get you anything else, Mr...?"

"Doctor," spoke up the man without looking up. He had a strange accent she had never heard before.

"Oh, ok." She was slightly relieved. Since he had a Ph.D. that meant he wasn't crazy. Right? "So, Doctor, um... can I help you with anything else?"

The Doctor looked up at the young woman for the first time, his brow wrinklingin thought. "Yes," he said, finally deciding. "Yes, I believe you can. I was wondering, Ms...?"

"Oh, Tina, hi." The waitress smiled and shook the man's hand.

"Tina, lovely name. I was just wondering if you've noticed anything... strange happening in this area lately?"

Tina gave him an incredulous look. "You mean aside from the numerous doomsday weapons, the Demon Gods, the out of control elemental priestesses, the invading alien fleet, the Bugrom conquest of the planet, the wise-cracking doomsday weapon floating in the sky, and those annoying turtles flying around playing pranks on people?" She took a breath. "Nope, haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary."

The Doctor blinked.

************************************************

"Are you sure you do not wish us to serve you, My Lady?"

"No!" Jinnai quickly backed out of the women's bathing room, nimbly dodging the grasping hands of the lounging, naked acolytes. "I was just... looking for a toilet! Yeah, and I got lost! I'm okay now though!"

"Would you like us to show you where they are?" asked another young woman eagerly. "We'd be happy to show you!"

"No, that's okay, I think you've shown me enough!" Jinnai slammed the door to the steam room and growled. "Dammit, that's the fifth room with naked girls that I've come across in this stupid place! Where the hell are the exits?!"

She looked up and down the nearly featureless hallways of the convent, but all the doors seemed the same. Not one of them was marked, most likely to keep the beautiful, abducted women inside the complex from leaving.

Using as much stealth as she was capable of (which, to tell you the truth, wasn't that much), Jinnai crept along the halls. She would jump into a shadowy corner whenever a priestess passed by, then would quickly dashed away to avoid discovery.

Unbeknownst to her, two pairs of eyes were watching her movements.

"Ah, she is a lovely one, is she not, sister?" asked Gatora. She licked her lips as she watched the monitor showing Jinnai's female self skulking about the halls like some bad spy.

"Indeed, sister. Our ninjas were indeed lucky to find such a delicious prize." Hatora took a sip of tea, her eyes hungrily feasting on the beauty on the screen.

"I can't take this, sister!" Gatora cried a few minutes later. "I must have her!"

"Patience, sister," intoned Hatora. "You know how much more interesting it is when we allow them to think that they are getting away, then at the last moment ensnare them. Just imagine the look on her lovely face when she realizes her freedom is merely a clever deception designed to rob her of her will. I do love breaking them, having their strong hearts crumble under our vile ministrations. I find it so deliciously satisfying to watch the hopes in their eyes evaporate as they realize thaat there is no escape."

"Ooh, you make it sound so wonderfully wicked. I can't wait to break this one in!" Gatora laughed haughtily. "Boy, sister, we really turned into a couple of evil, sex-crazed bitches, didn't we?"

"It was our upbringing," remarked Hatora sadly.

"Indeed."

"Quite."

************************************************

In a sleepy little village north of Florestica, a gathering was beginning. During the last few days, the village's entire population had been enslaved. Their wills had been broken, but not in the fun Hatora and Gatora way. These wills were broken in a very icky, yucky, wasp-egg-injected-in-the-back-of-your-neck-while-the-larvae-swim-up-your-spine-and-grow-into-pulsating-grublings-in-your-brain way.

The human slaves moved about, helping the white Ancient Bugrom workers move some supplies about. Their plans had gone well. From this staging ground, they were able to spread out through the outlying villages, and even into the city itself. Soon the humans of this world, as well as the strange, weird-looking Bugrom, would become slaves and food to the uber ickiness that was the Ancient Bugrom Cooperative.

One of the white workers hissed, alerting the others to an approaching Cretarian ship. The Bugrom, as well as some of the humans, chirped in joy and anticipation. At last, after so long, they were to be reunited with their leader.

The cargo ship soon landed, and the Bugrom all but tore open the hold doors in their eagerness. Three enslaved Cretarians marched out, followed by a tall, regal figure. She smiled and looked about, pleased at the beginnings of her new empire.

"Divaaaa," said the Ancient Bugrom Queen.
« Last Edit: December 31, 2003, 04:20:33 am by lord_god_jinnai » Logged


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« Reply #57 on: December 31, 2003, 07:57:31 pm »

To Makoto, there was no rational thought; there was only intense, blind desire.  To Ifurita, there was only overwhelming pleasure and love.  Makoto had freed her, touched her soul, seen her heart, and was filling her with feelings and sensations she'd never experienced before.  In this moment of pure, fiery passion she felt happier and more alive than she'd ever been in her thousands of years of existence.

Hence why they were making out like nymphomaniac bunny rabbits on Viagra.

Naturally, not everyone was happy with this.  Unfortunately, nobody was around to conveniently stop it, either.  An enraged Shayla-Shayla was chasing after a terrified Parnasse and Ura and unknowingly heading for the site of the Ancient Bugrom invasion, a frightened Nanami had inadvertently teleported herself and the weakened but still cute in her innocent way Kauru to the conquered village, the original Ifurita was badly damaged and immobile due to a general lack of any power whatsoever, and the only unoccupied person nearby capable of recharging her was Ishiel who was unlikely to regain consciousness until morning.

Of course, there were...others who were watching, but this suited the Other's plans just fine, and Yume was...well, vicariously pleased that _somebody_ was having a good time since her new demon god certainly wasn't turning out the way she'd anticipated.  Still, Yume did have some sense of propriety...

"Oh get a room you two," the super genius commented disdainfully as her elegant fingers typed in a new command to her computer that, sure enough, teleported the infatuated demon god and teenage boy to a room that bore a strong resemblance to a Las Vegas honeymoon suite in a town that was nowhere near any of the current troubles and subplots plaguing El-Hazard and where they'd be completely undisturbed for a very long time.  Makoto and Ifurita, busy with each other, weren't in a position to care much about the change in scenery.

Ifurita was in for the night of her life-- assumin' her heart didn't give out.

However, since she didn't have a biological heart, this really wasn't a concern.  The morning after, however, soon would be.

******

Mike, Tom, and Crow (In unison):  Angst alert!

******

Sadly, when the portion wore off, Makoto would find himself with another lovely, lonely demon god completely in love with him to the very core of her being.  Being an innately good demon god despite the recent virus, when Ifurita realized that Makoto was truly in love with the other Ifurita, she would stoically apologize and offer to leave, despite the grave emotional pain and heartbreak this would cause her.  However, Makoto's compassionate nature hates causing anyone agony, and knowing the depths of Ifurita's loneliness and despair would make accepting that option virtually inconceivable.  Torn between his love for Ifurita and sense of guilt and duty towards Ifurita, Makoto would have to make...the choice.

******

Mike:  Or choose the Tenchi fanfiction answer and simply marry them both.

Tom:  I wonder if the current author is deliberately not distinguishing between the two Ifuritas in order to be annoying?

******

It should be noted that Gatora and Hatora were not Fatora and Alielle.  For one thing, they had a lower tolerance for pain.  More importantly, however, they also had a different set of morals.  After being on the receiving end of Shayla's earlier violent outburst, they had come to the conclusion that it was wrong to force themselves on others, but despite this they still had the same desires.  Their solution, therefore, was to make people _want them_ instead, even if they had to employ ninjas, kidnapping, and subtle brainwashing techniques to accomplish this.

Yes, it was a twisted, perverted code of ethics, but what else would one expect from Fatora clones?

Unfortunately for Gatora, Hatora, and their devastatingly effective and incredibly successful mental manipulation techniques, Jinnai was male.  Since the aforementioned devastatingly effective and incredibly successful mental manipulation techniques were developed solely for female minds, this could and almost certainly would cause problems.  For whom, though, remains to be seen.

******

Fatora angrily rose to her feet and shook her fists in the air.  "Gr!  How dare they steal- er...kidnap that helpless, innocent, delectable, young morse- girl!  Alielle!"

"aah...my head....yes, Lady Fatora?" Alielle asked a bit woozily.

"We're going to rescue our new 'friend', defeat the legion of mysterious cloaked but shapely female ninjas, and become their new leader! -er, I mean, eliminate the threat they pose to El-Hazard using any means necessary!" Fatora declared imperiously, posing in a disturbingly heroic fashion.

"Ah, your sense...of responsibility and nobility never fails to impress me, Lady Fatora," Alielle answered admiringly, requisite hearts in her eyes.  "However, you appear to be...injured.  Let me...tend to your wounds."

Apparently, it would be a long time before they got around to stopping the ninjas.

******

Nanami and Kauru appeared outside Miz and Fujisawa's house, and Nanami immediately stormed over to the door and knocked.  

"I need a _really_ stiff drink," she muttered to herself, intent on drowning out the images of Makoto making out with Ifurita.  Realizing that Kauru wasn't following her, she turned around.  "Coming?"

Kauru, scratching the back of her neck, nodded.  "Yes, in a moment.  Something seems to have stung me, and it itches quite badly."

After the stress of her brief role as the Last Scion, Kauru simply couldn't be a living component of any other ancient doomsday weapons for awhile, but could she survive...an Ancient Bugrom parasite?

Dah dah...dun!
« Last Edit: December 31, 2003, 08:06:45 pm by rowan_a._seven » Logged
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« Reply #58 on: January 01, 2004, 01:31:42 am »

"Yeah," said Nanami, "you've got some sort of bug on y..."

And of course a deluge of water followed.  Nanami had, after all, said the "b" word.  But that was all right. The bug that had been on Kauru was apparently on the small side, since she hadn't even noticed it until it stung her.  Since the Wasp Bugrom were (as had been pointed out earlier) large enough to knock a grown man to the ground, and sported stingers large as knitting needles, it was safe to say that she had only been stung by a common bug (either that or she really needed to pay more attention to things around her), and thus was in no terrible danger.

Or so it would seem.

*****

Afura, Princess Rune, and the others were getting something to eat.  In order to do that, without being noticed by Diva's Bugrom, they were forced to go to one of the less well stocked pantries.  As Rune opened the door, however, she saw something very odd.

"Bingo!" said the little smiley-faced turtle thing, hovering on front of Princess Rune's face.  "We found a Princess!  We can take her to the Mouth and activate it!"  Princess Rune hit it with a frying pan.  It bounced off the wall in a very satisfying way.  Another flying turtle zoomed into the pantry and looked at the first one mournfully.  

"Oh man," it said, "that had to hurt.  But hang on, it's been pointed out that the Mouth is already doing its destabilizing thing.  How is that possible, when we're meant to find a princess first?  I mean, the thing's talking, that seems pretty 'activated' in my book.  So why are we bothering to find a princess if-"  Princess Rune hit it with a frying pan.  It bounced off the wall in a very satisfying way.  Another flying turtle zoomed into the pantry and looked at the first two mournfully.  

"Ouch," it said, "that looks sore.  But yeah, I guess we don't serve a purpose any more, other than being annoying, if the Mouth is already doing its big destabilizing thing.  Geez, do I feel stup-" Princess Rune hit it with a frying pan.  It bounced off the wall in a very satisfying way.  Another flying turtle zoomed into the pantry and smiled brightly.

"Wheeeee!" it said.  "I've got explosives!"  Princess Rune hit it with a frying pan.  Afura grabbed the royal by the shoulders and dragged her down behind a counter just as the turtle-thing blew up, taking a sizable section of wall with it.  

The turtle's shell, due to certain rules of comedic convention, rolled by, on fire, taking long moments before it finally "whirred" in tightening circles and fell to the ground.  A few seconds after that, a pan fell.   Slowly, hesitantly, Princess Rune peered over the top of the counter.  "I think that's the last of them," she whispered.

Afura peeked over the top of the counter.  "I don't see any more," she added in agreement.

Dr. Schtalubaugh did not peek over the top of the counter.  Dr. Schtalubaugh was very short.

Princess Rune looked at the frying pan she was holding.  "I like this frying pan," she said firmly, and shoved it into her belt sash.

And then they all ate, because they were darn hungry.

*****

The Mouth of God was definitely making people feel unstable.  Thanks to those new speakers you just couldn't get away from it.  "Ey, living under The Ancients was rough," it said.

"Rough," someone in the city answered reflexively.  No matter how many people know to shut up, there's always one that ruins things for everyone.

"Rough.  Are you kidding?  There was dis one guy, he thought the best way to help the economy was to kill all the poor people.  Sheee... just lucky The Ancients never heard of Soylent Green."

*****

It can be assumed from Kauru's subdued reaction and lack of paralysis that she had not been jabbed with a knitting-needle sized stinger nor pumped with bugrom wasp toxin.  She had been jabbed with a much smaller stinger, and had been exposed to a much less nasty toxin.  She should have been fine.

Here's the thing of it though.  The Northern Weaponers had made Kauru and her tribe for a single purpose.  Manufactured them.  That purpose had been built into them on a genetic level.  Yet somehow, inexplicably, the force driving her had been removed.  Now, since the force driving her was, in fact, her own genes, by all rights that would mean she had lost every cell in her body.  Since Kauru had not lost every cell in her body (or, if she had, was an excellent actor), only one possibility remained - something damn funky must have been going on inside her, on a genetic level.  Damn funky.  Case in point: her reaction to the sting.

"I have never seen anyone swell up that badly," whispered Nanami in awe.  Kauru was wet, unconcious, laid out on a couch, and was quite swelled out (although still a far cry from Jinnai during his eating binge in Creteria).

Miz leaned in and gave the poor girl a closer look.  "Is it just me," she asked, "or does she look a little... yellow?"

"Bzzzz..." snored Kauru, dreaming of jars of honey.  "Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz..."

*****

Yume sighed, drumming her fingers on her desk.  She flicked her desk toy, sending those little metal balls clanking back and forth.  She checked her notes.  Then, not sure what else to do, she typed in the teleport command again.  "Why isn't the teleporter working any more?" she growled.  Her eyes narrowed as the computer gave her the same reply it had the last few times.  "But that's impossible," she hissed through clenched teeth, "the entire Creterian Eye of God couldn't have just vanished!  Not without my knowing!"  Master Yume wouldn't be so quick to say things like that if she knew anything about the Guide Mark II (which, to be blunt, was a device even she couldn't hope to fully understand).
« Last Edit: January 01, 2004, 02:59:41 pm by d.t. » Logged

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« Reply #59 on: January 01, 2004, 10:06:11 am »

OOC: And now, to gleefully go in the exact opposite direction of what was intended!

IC:

In his time in El-Hazard, Fujisawa had picked up knowledge of various strange, completely unrelated things.  One of them, as it happened, was that he was a veritable expert on rare theoretical diseases that have about a one in five quadrillion chance of ever actually happening to anyone because they would require that a person have something damn funky going on inside them on a genetic level.  The study of this was known as "plot convenience" for some reason as yet unexplained.

The buzzing was just weird.  The bulging he'd missed.  The dreaming of honey... as if anyone but Kauru knew about that just yet.  But when Miz mentioned "yellow", everything fell into place.

"Oh, no," he said.  "I have a bad feeling about this."  He picked up a ruler (all who study plot convenience keep a ruler nearby at all times) and measured something on Kauru's eye, then something on her hand.  He looked up at Miz, Ifurina (she's there too, remember), Nanami, and The Keystaff Formerly Known As Over-Run, his expression grim.

"Dear?  What is it?" Miz asked, frightened by her husband's sudden lack of a weird variant on a smile.

"It's as I feared," Fujisawa announced.  "We've noticed her stomach is expanding and her skin is turning yellow.  It turns out her eyes are bulging out and her irises are shrinking.  Soon they will look like Ping-Pong balls with dots on them.  Worse, her pinky fingers are shrinking away to nothing, and her other fingers are expanding to fill the gap.  On all of them, her fingernails are disappearing."

"Oh, no," said Ifurina, whose parents had both studied plot convenience and often talked about it at home, and who therefore realized what Fujisawa was talking about.  "You don't mean..."

"Yes," Fujisawa said.  "Soon her personality will contract until it comprises only a single character trait, and no matter what she does it will somehow be funny.  (In fact, he struggled not to laugh already at the sheer ridiculousness of her condition.)  She has... Simpsonitis."

------------------------------------------------------------------------
ANDRUSI

Sanity not inc--


What?  What do you want from me?  I've tried three times to come up with something to post, and now that I do it it's not good enough?

Oh, yeah, that.  Well, as it turns out, Kauru has a recurring nightmare where Shayla strips her naked and traps her in a jar of honey, all the while shouting "See?  Not so fun being the fanservice, is it?"  As for the buzzing, her nose was partially stuffed-up, and a buzz is one of the many weird sounds that can be created by such a condition.
« Last Edit: January 01, 2004, 10:07:51 am by andrusi » Logged

ANDRUSI

Sanity not included.
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