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Messages - Triple_R

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31
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 24, 2009, 10:30:00 am »
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All right, Chapter 16!

First off, let me say that I LOVED Jinnai's attempt to seduce Haruhi to the ways of Pure Evil Genius! His arguments were very compelling, and I loved seeing Haruhi's face mashed into the realization that her own methods tend to creep awfully far over the good/evil line from time to time.


Thanks a lot!

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(Just a nit I'd like to pick: you mentioned that the Computer Club president was tricked into touching Haruhi's breasts... actually, Haruhi tricked him into appearing to molest Mikuru, not Haruhi herself.)



Thanks for the correction - I made a slight edit to Jinnai's speech because of it.


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Haruhi's counterargument was equally well presented, and Jinnai's insertion of the whole Makoto aspect was well-placed. If there was any weakness at all to be found, it was that Jinnai seemed to accept the idea of turning to a life of scientific exploration a bit too easily. It wasn't totally clear how such a thing would enable him to one-up Makoto, which, as he had just mentioned, seemed to be at the heart of his whole motivation.  


Yeah, I'd agree that was the weakest aspect of the Haruhi/Jinnai confrontation. I wanted Haruhi's argument to be something that greatly reflected her own exploratory interests, and that Jinnai would at least find palatable; but not necessarily awe-inspiring.

I wasn't sure how much I should invest Haruhi into helping Jinnai one-up Makoto for the sheer sake of one-upping Makoto.


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(After I thought about it for a bit, I suddenly realized how this COULD enable him to trump Makoto once and for all, and a rather delicious victory at that. If you want me to share my idea, I'll send you a PM; there's certainly a strong chance it's already something you have in mind.)


Yes, I'd love to hear your idea. I have a bit of an idea of what it could be, but just to make sure...


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And then... Haruhi pushes things just too far, and Jinnai plunges back into the Dark Side!



Generally speaking, I don't like easy reformations. I tend to find them unrealistic... at least when dealing with psyches as messed up as Jinnai's, or your typical anime/comic book villain for that matter.

I prefer reformations to be something that is gradually arrived at with some significant effort.


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But Haruhi won't stand for it! It's a clash of wills like none other!

Then, at the end, some more Mwahahah villiany courtesy of Galus, with sad snow girl Yuki putting up with his cruelty. Not as awesome as the Haruhi/Jinnai scene, but still good.

This is a good example of a "talky" chapter that still keeps the audience riveted. There wasn't even a scrap of action to be had the whole chapter, but it was still a very good read.



Thanks!

The likely layout here on out...

Next Chapter - Probably a touch of comedy and setting up the big multi-part finale, actually

Rest of the chapters - Action, action, and more action! ;)


By the way, I forgot to mention it before, but I agree with your Jinnai and Ryoga comparison. Actually, when I saw Ryoga getting mad with Ranma for butting in front of him in school recess lines, I immediately thought of Jinnai and Makoto.  ;D

32
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 23, 2009, 11:36:06 am »
And the Haruhi/Jinnai verbal showdown of Chapter 16 is complete!:

http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?p=9149989&posted=1#post9149989


Hate to say it, but that showdown took so long to do justice to (I felt), that there's not much else besides it.  ^^;

A few notes to Spanner - It's funny, but I strongly agree with you on how overly common and cheap deaths/resurrections have become in comic books and pop fiction in general.

I will promise you this - if any other character in my story dies, he or she will stay dead!  ;)

I had my reasons for how I chose to handle Galus and Itsuki, but all the same... I get your points loud and clear. I will say that having Haruhi as a character is a bit of a temptation for a writer - you feel empowered by having an almost literal deus ex machina character to do whatever you want.

I'll try to be more careful there.

All the same, I'm really pleased and pleasantly surprised that you liked Chapters 14 and 15 so much! I'm particularly glad that Haruhi's dialogue is coming across Ok. Showing her softer side is tricky, and it's obviously necessary for a story involving her in a romance, so I hope that I'm capturing her character fairly well.

As you wrote, her, Jinnai, Makoto, and Kyon are the four key characters of this story (probably with Yuki and Galus coming close behind). Considering that's the two main protagonists of one anime, and the main protagonist and main antagonist of the other anime, that sounds about right to me anyway. :)

Anyway... I look forward to your take on Chapter 16!

33
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 21, 2009, 02:20:34 pm »
Chapter 15 is up!: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?p=9137742&posted=1#post9137742

Special note - for anyone who hasn't read Chapter 14, you'll need to get it on the page before the one that comes up in the link above.

Now, unto my reply to rowan, and questions for both rowan and Spanner and anybody else who wants to offer advice on it! :)


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Hm...I'm not sure what exactly it is about this chapter, but I feel like it's one of your best thus far.  It might just be my ego talking since I can see where you've taken Spanner's and my feedback to heart, but things really seemed to come together well here.  Galus's explanation does a decent job of dispelling the confusion over his orders in the previous update, and Mikuru's role had me genuinely cheering for her.  It's surprisingly nice to see her stand up and act assertive for a change.  The battle between her and Yuki was entertaining too, and it's interesting to watch Yuki make sense of the situation and begin to attempt to reason her way to freedom.  And Dr. Tofu?  Heh, I didn't expect Jinnai to be a Ranma 1/2 fan.


Well, it was either Dr. Tofu, or Professor Tomoe, and I felt the latter was too obvious a rip-off. ;) Kudos on getting the obscure Ranma 1/2 reference!  ;D

Special Note: I almost had Tatewaki Kuno, the Blue Thunder of the Bugrom Empire (i.e. a crazily skilled bugrom that Jinnai would have trained in wooden blade use to counter the magnetic Kyon)

Special Note 2: I'm basically writing this fanfic for five people - you, Spanner, two big Jinnai fans on other boards, and myself. At least one of the two big Jinnai fans is totally on-board with Jinnai/Haruhi, so that's cool - odd since he's not a big Haruhi fan, either.

Satisfying the Jinnai fans probably isn't going to be a problem - so I can focus more on making this fanfic enjoyable for you and Spanner. :)


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Regardless, Jinnai's delusions about Makoto were an intelligent way to further Haruhi's misconceptions of El-Hazard and set-up the chapter's second battle.  And what this fight lacked in destructive power it made up for in hilarity.  For some reason Makoto and Haruhi's references to being top gym students made me laugh, and the images of Haruhi jump kicking Makoto and the two of them duking it out struck me as funny in a ridiculous (but good!) way.  It's also amusing to see some of Jinnai's mannerisms rub off on Haruhi.


I'm very glad that you approved of all of that! I wanted to play Makoto vs. Haruhi in a way that hardcore fans of either could take the fight seriously if they wanted to... but that the fight would have comedic elements as well for people who couldn't take it quite as seriously as Mikuru vs. Yuki. ;)


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Additionally, I'm touched that you've listened to some of my advice about fight scenes and I think it's helping, but I'd also recommend using hyphens instead of commas to interrupt action with dialogue.  Hyphens tend to offer a more abrupt and forceful break than commas which are more often associated with pauses.

So, instead of:
"That..." began Yuki Nagato, as she began to engage in rapid fire blasts of white pulsating energy at Mikuru, "is where you are," resulting in Mikuru screaming in dissonance while thrown about violently by the blasts, failing to dodge them outright, "wrong, Mikuru."

Perhaps this?
"That..." began Yuki Nagato, as she began to engage in rapid fire blasts of white pulsating energy at Mikuru- "...is where you are..." -resulting in Mikuru screaming in dissonance while thrown about violently by the blasts, failing to dodge them outright. "...wrong, Mikuru."

Other than that, I don't have much more to say about this update.  It was a pleasant read, and you also continue to surprise me with the direction the story takes.  I assumed that the Phantom Tribe's master plan would take center-stage by now but it looks like you still have a couple chapters left before the finale.  Good luck with your writing.


Thanks for all the great advice. Onomatopoeia is something that had totally slipped my mind, and as you suggested, it works well for fights with dialogue involved. In fact, it adds a comic book-esque feel to the fights which I like.

Now, a few things I want to cover, and ask, at this juncture of the fanfic...

The latest update (Chapter 15) is going to be pretty talk-heavy and filled with exposition. That was unfortunately unavoidable. Furthermore, I found that to make room for the key conversations in it, a lot of characters are going with out lines unfortunately.

The plot will really begin to clump together over the next few chapters (4 to 6 are now left, I'd say), and that may require less lines for some characters. With that in mind, I have the following questions for you and Spanner...

1) Is there any particular character that you feel I haven't given enough lines to given their importance within the El Hazard anime or within the Haruhi Suzumiya anime?


2) Would you prefer decompressed story-telling or compressed story-telling the rest of the way? The following scenes are on the bubble, so to speak, depending on your answer...

- A scene in which almost all of the protagonists talk amongst themselves about the Haruhi/Jinnai relationship/situation and how it impacts on the broader Alliance/Bugrom situation.

- A poignant Jinnai/Groucho scene that will take place AFTER the big confrontation between Haruhi and Jinnai.

- A Fatora/Haruhi comedy scene

- The length and size and style of the Haruhi/Rune Venus/Fatora peace negotiation

Which of the above would you like for me to keep, and which are you willing to shed in order to get a quicker resolution (unless you're fine with six more chapters of course)?

Anyway, I just want to add a special note to Spanner - thanks a lot for liking my take on Queen Diva! I did indeed spend a lot of time on her in this fanfic. I felt that she was a bit underdeveloped in the Magnificent World canon.

Anyway, Chapter 16 will be the big one - it's the big confrontation between fully aware Haruhi Suzumiya and antagonist Katsuhiko Jinnai. Will Jinnai turn Haruhi into a villain, will Haruhi reform Jinnai into a hero, or will the Bugrom Empire descend into civil war? ;)

And what will it mean for the Haruhi/Jinnai shipping?

Well, that's all for now! I look forward to your reply on the chapter and answers to my questions.

34
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 18, 2009, 02:45:44 pm »
Sorry for the long wait, but Chapter 14 is up... http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?p=9120758&posted=1#post9120758

This chapter will feature two prominent one-on-one fights! I hope that you enjoy them both!  ^_^V

35
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 15, 2009, 12:56:37 pm »
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All right! Chapter thirteen.

We start off with the confrontation with Nanoha. It seems that I was correct in my guess about "Ifurita Eleven". Nanoha reveals a bit more of her past, including an allusion to El-Hazard Nazis! Well, Nazi-like fascists, as any rate, but still acceptable shorthand for the kind of Social Evil that would be required to change a good-hearted girl like Nanoha into a cold-blooded assassin. (Damn those Nazis!)

Then, Kyon semi-reforms her and she heads off to go find herself, leaving our heroes free to obtain Itsuki's cure and head back.

All in all, a decently handled section. The action was good, though it made me kind of wonder just what Galus was thinking sending Nanoha in alone against a set of superpowered humans. They were able to disarm and restrain her pretty easily, with Nanami to counter her illusions and Kyon to nullify her weapons. I was glad to see Kyon had a little trouble pinning her down; one would think that an assassin would be able to handle herself in a fight, even unarmed.



Edit: I'm glad that you liked this section for the most part. :)

Nanoha was rather outmatched yeah. That was arguably careless on Galus' part, on second though - but, on the other hand, the Shadow Tribe did only bother with one assassin for the canon El Hazard itself, so it seems to be standard MO for Galus.


Galus didn't need Nanoha to actually win, or succeed - simply slow down Kyon et al for awhile. It doesn't matter if Kyon et al live if his main trap for Haruhi succeeds.


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Nothing much to say on the Itsuki premonition scene or Fujisawa's rescue of Fatora.

I'm not sure that I was able to buy into the tactical logic presented by Jinnai in splitting up his group so that he could fly with Haruhi into Floristica. Jinnai claimed that it would make the group more difficult to trap... and while it's true that it'd make it tougher to trap the WHOLE group, it pretty much doubles the chance that PART of the group will get caught, which will alert the rest of the city that an infiltration is underway. Probably more than double, actually, since the method Jinnai chose to get in was to change Haruhi into a winged girl with a huge, easy-to-spot 20-foot wingspan and fly into a well-defended city that is doubtless well-prepared to notice invasions by air (Bugrom do have fliers, after all).



Edit: I wouldn't say that the situation was downright contrived, but... I'd be willing to cop out to it being a lucky one for Haruhi and Jinnai. Maybe you could say they had a 10% chance of not getting spotted while flying into the city, and they happened to be just fortunate enough

What I probably didn't stress enough was how this move into Florestica took place during the night - it's not pitch-black, but it's dark enough that a human-sized flyer might not be spotted easily.


Plus, Roshtaria's overall military readiness is probably somewhat lowered given how the Bugrom Empire have only very recently been restored.

Also, I'm going to be frank - I never found the Alliance's military defenses to be all that impressive. I mean, in the canon, Jinnai just steam-rolled them, country after country after country. Part of that is his military genius, yes, but part of it also has to be the Alliance not being all that proficient at defending themselves. I mean, the bugrom don't even have guns and the Alliance can't stop them. Ifurita didn't exactly run into an awful lot of effective opposition when she went into Florestica itself either.

I mean - I really don't think that this is like Jinnai and Haruhi trying to break into the White House back on Earth.


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On the other hand, a night-time flight with the two of them alone is a heckuva lot more romantic than slogging through the sewers with a slew of Bugrom. Which I'm guessing was the real point here. Still, you gotta admit it was a bit contrived.



Actually, I just found the idea neat in general. Haruhi's powers haven't been showcased anywhere near as much as Kyon's has, and I felt it was time to change that. Honestly, I thought that you'd like that to - you were very questioning over the exact nature of Haruhi's powers before, and I thought it was time to shed some light on the subject.

Furthermore, Groucho and Mikuru are intended, in part, to test Jinnai's already existing secret sewer entrance for any possible booby traps. That's the very first thing that Jinnai asked Groucho about when the two of them met up in Florestica.

In a cold, calculating way, Jinnai is choosing to place more risk on Groucho and Mikuru than on himself and Haruhi. Makes sense to me.

edit: I sometimes like to write Jinnai as a guy that you need to read between-the-lines with.


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 And, at last, we come to the closure of Galus's trap, and Jinnai's noble sacrifice. I found myself a bit confused while reading this as to what, exactly, Galus's plan actually was. It seemed to be his intent to make Haruhi go berserk, and while Jinnai's death may, indeed, cause this, Yuki's actions seem a bit odd.

It seems that Yuki was honestly aiming for Haruhi, given the little blurb that mentioned how she couldn't bring herself to take another shot. If she was honestly gunning for Haruhi, then it seems like Galus was expecting Haruhi would be able to survive a direct assault from a Demon God, and still have enough left in her to savage the world. That's an awfully big assumption, considering that the only evidence that Galus has that Haruhi has godlike power is the fact that she was able to restore the Bugrom Empire quickly; what in that implies immortality?



Nahato talked about the readings coming off of Haruhi several chapters back. He talked about the immense power readings coming off of Haruhi. Him and Galus had a discussion centered around that.

It's probably not a stretch to think that a girl with neigh-omnipotent (Galus' own term for it) power readings would be able to protect herself against an El Hazard demon god attack.

Galus' plan was to enrage Haruhi, and force her to use her power to defend herself against an attack from Yuki. He was hoping that Haruhi would be so incensed by his base trickery against her, and by Yuki betraying her, that she would lash out at El Hazard as a whole, or possibly reboot it in desperate self-defense.


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I guess the bulk of the confusion is because Yuki is apparently supposed to keep shooting at Haruhi. If that can be explained away, then that might solve the problem.


No, Yuki shooting at Haruhi to force Haruhi to use her powers in desperate self-defense is the whole idea.

Jinnai's noble act of sacrifice was not counted on - Galus is merely amused by it, and naturally pleased by it since Jinnai did get in the way of his plans before.

36
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 14, 2009, 03:08:46 pm »
Chapter 13 is up! : http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?p=9097720#post9097720


Warning: This is probably the most emotionally intense chapter of them all, with one or two possible exceptions later on. There are some funny bits - mainly some of Fujisawa's lines (I hope) as well as some Haruhi/Jinnai back-and-forth, but... for the most part, this chapter is a dark one. Just a warning!

37
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 13, 2009, 06:56:12 pm »
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If you ever do find a good in-character one, please tell me.  I like Haruhi and Kyon as a couple and pretty much accept that they'll end up together (Haruhi's pretty hard to say no to, after all :) ), but a good read featuring the Yuki/Kyon pairing could be pretty nice.  

Anyway, I mostly agree with Spanner about characterizations.  Nanami's the only one who's stood out as somewhat consistently out of character with her suspiciousness, and you addressed that in recent updates.  Otherwise, you seem to have a good understanding of the cast in general, although there are occasional cases where actions and dialogues feel slightly off to me.  I think what really helps you is that you appear to like and respect all of the characters, so even though you don't always necessarily nail them head on you don't bash them either and they at least act with reasonable intelligence.  

I will add here that Haruhi's confession of her feelings to Jinnai didn't really strike me as in-character for her, though.  She has enough trouble admitting that she likes Kyon and is as vulnerable to the love bug as anyone else, and now all of a sudden she's opening herself up?  This declaration might have worked better doing a moment of crisis, as clichéd as that sounds.  I do like how neither Jinnai nor Haruhi have suddenly gone all mushy-mushy and are still acting as megalomaniacal and imperious as ever, though.  Despite the change in their relationship, they still feel like the same characters.

Anyway, good job with these two chapters.  The overview of Gannon's "conversion" was amusing though not as hilarious as Haruhi forcing Mikuru into becoming the moe mascot of the Bugrom Empire.  I half expected her to include the usual risqué photos of Mikuru in the promotional boxes, though Jinnai's arguably decent enough that he might quietly remove such items before handing out the packages.  The scenes with the other protagonists were reasonably good too, though it seemed almost too convenient how everything fell into place perfectly for Nahato.  Still, not bad for a filler chapter.

As for Chapter 12, I think by now it's pretty clear that I'm a Jinnai fan and I really liked that you had him realize the set-up was a trap instead of warping it into one of his "Makoto is evil!" delusions.  You're doing some of his incredible deviousness justice, and the allusions to "The Wanderers" are entertaining too.  You'd think the Phantom Tribe would be among his prime suspects, though, considering what he said about scrambled messages.  And Haruhi's Ryoko masquerade is quite the interesting choice and has me wondering if it'll jog any more of Yuki's memories.  The detailed description of the Coruscate Caverns was very nice too and really gave me a strong picture of the place's natural beauty.  I also think that you did a better job with the fight scene between Fatora's rescue squad and the Bugrom than your earlier battle between Kyon, Koizumi, and Fujisawa and Yuki and Nanoha, so congratulations on the improvement.

I'm a little bit iffy about Ifurita Eleven (does the story really need another Demon God?) and am not quite certain how to feel about Nanoha at the moment, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt until I discover how you put these two to use.  Diva's willingness to let Haruhi go with Jinnai into a potentially dangerous situation also struck me as slightly strange considering how protective of the new Bugrom Queen she's been, though I suppose she might be remembering her own youth cooped up by the chains of duty and is trying to give her successor a bit more freedom.  Despite these small criticisms, though, I'm still enjoying the story and am interested in seeing how things go from here.  Thanks for sharing.  



I'm glad that you liked Chapters 11 and 12 a fair bit! :)

Your constructive criticism on a few points is noted, however.

It is true that there's no El Hazard character that I dislike and disrespect - I feel that it's a very solid cast. I also think that the entire cast is fairly smart, though some (Makoto and Jinnai, mainly) are a bit sharper than others.

Chapter 13 is now up! You can check the post I made after this one if you need a link to it.

38
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 12, 2009, 10:01:47 am »
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Yup, this was a good chapter. :D

In this chapter, Jinnai prepares to walk into a trap, and Kyon unknowingly walks into a trap.

I was kind of expecting that Jinnai would attempt to hide the fact that he knew that the Alliance would never stoop to meaningless torture in order to help turn Haruhi against them, but instead it seems that he's actually decided to give credit where it is due. Too bad none of his allies were actually able to believe him.



What self-respecting guy is going to want to walk his girlfriend right into a trap that's been set for her? ;)


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Still, it's nice to see that he can recognize the obvious trap. And it's a good excuse for everyone to cosplay! Haruhi and Mikuru (or, rather, Ryoko and Mikuru) get to dress up in those palace attendant outfits, and Jinnai... well, we've witnessed the return of Groundskeeper Fred! I do enjoy these occasional homages to The Wanderers, I must admit. :)

Kyon's powers are seeming more and more Magneto-like every time he uses them. That's not a criticism, just an observation.



Yeah, that's the comic book fan in me coming through again. :D


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And, Nanoha returns to action! I find Galus's interactions with her to be somewhat intriguing... While he seems to have a kind of soft spot for her, it seems that he also has absolutely no problem using her as a disposable tool. It's almost like, "In respect to my daughter, I won't kill or severely punish Nanoha for her failures, but if she dies on a dangerous mission I won't lose any sleep over it." Admittedly, this sort of callous almost-affection is something that I could see from a ruthless character like Galus.


Agreed. I think that it suits him well.


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And, at the very end of the chapter, Ifurita Eleven! Honestly, I think she's going to exist for about as long as it takes for Nanami to reveal that she's actually Nanoha under a Shadow Tribe illusion, but if it really is a new Ifurita model then it'll be fun to see how Kyon and his friends deal with her.


I'll leave you in anticipation here.

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This chapter was mostly solid, but it does have something of a weak spot in Ura's introduction. Reading the passage almost made me feel like the author suddenly thought, "Oh, crap! I completely forgot about Ura! I gotta make up an excuse as to why she wasn't around!" Admittedly, this deeply into the story it would have been difficult to mix Ura back in without it coming off as awkward, so I'm not sure what could make this passage better. Probably the best solution would have been to have returned to earlier sections of the work and added new content to support the sudden reintroduction of Ura later.


That's close to it. I made a conscious decision to leave Ura out of the story early on, mainly because I felt that the first big "all the protagonists in one spot" meeting back in Chapter 2 was cluttered enough as it was.

As the story went on, though, I thought a couple times "Man, it seems odd for Makoto to not bother with his Ura armor for this long". So, I decided it was time to bring Ura back in.

The excuse is a bit flimsy, I'll admit, but I found the idea of Dr. Schtalubaugh playing mad chemistry scientist kind of funny, so... ;)


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Anyway, good job, and keep writing! I was a bit confused when you mentioned that "I wouldn't like the chapters after this". Honestly, you'd have to work VERY hard to drive this story into the dirt before I'd actually start disliking it. I presume by your apprehension that you plan on going ahead with your plans to add Nanoha as an extra crossover element, as that's really the only part of the story that I might have come across as dead-set against. I'd like to assure you that even that wouldn't be enough to turn me off. I think it's a questionable direction to take the story in, but there's still plenty of good stuff here.

If that's NOT what you meant... well, I guess I honestly can't think of what you might have in mind.



I can explain what I meant in a PM to you if you'd like. I'd rather not spell it out here, though, because it might spoil Rowan (and anybody else following the story).

Anyway, I appreciate the vote of confidence, and maybe I read too much into something you wrote earlier... so maybe you'll like the rest of the story anyway. I can tell you that it's not Nanoha, no.

I'm going to admit that my original plan was to turn her into THE Nanoha Takamachi via teleportation to Earth combined with de-aging/memory erasing creating a weird time paradox loop.

That plans been scrapped though.

Thanks for the great positive feedback, and support, Spanner.

39
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 11, 2009, 06:33:56 pm »
Here's Chapter 12!: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068&page=4


I did my best, Spanner, to make this a chapter that you'll enjoy reading.

Because... and I hate to say this... but I strongly doubt that you're going to like the chapters after it.  ^^;

Oh well, I hope that you enjoy Chapter 12 at least!  ^_^V


P.S.  Tomorrow is my College Grad, and I have Finals next Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday. So... it'll probably be about six days before I get Chapter 13 up. I might get it up by Sunday if studying goes well, but I can't guarantee it. Also depends on how well my creativity is flowing on the weekend, really. I'll definitely be checking back here over the next few days to see if there's any reviews for Chapter 12, though.

40
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 10, 2009, 12:17:20 pm »
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Hmm... Characters you've not done justice to? If I had to pick one, I'd probably have to say Nanami. She seems to be constantly offering up suspicion and mistrust toward the newcomers. While she IS pretty smart and might pick up on some of the half-truths Kyon and Itsuki have been showing, canon Nanami tends to be more the trusting sort.

Nanami is first and foremost an optimist. When she saw Kiriya approaching Makoto with a dagger, she was merely curious, not afraid. When she first saw Nahato, she thought he was adorable in spite of the fact that she knew the Phantom Tribe was antagonistic. She was also thrilled to learn of the political marriage between Roshtaria and the Phantom Tribe. While she has her off moments (mostly related to women who want to warm up to Makoto), Nanami just about always meets new faces with warmth and friendship, and only becomes antagonistic when they prove themselves to be enemies.

Your Operation: Permanent Vacation rap was cute. :) You're probably right, though: it doesn't really fit with the tone of your story as a whole. (Heck, even in "The Wanderers", it was more an omake than an actual part of the story.)

Now, Chapter Eleven. This was a filler chapter with not much plot progression or action. It was mostly about people finding out stuff. The Roshtarians found out about Haruhi's and Mikaru's involvement with the Bugrom. Haruhi found out about Itsuki's "torture" at the hands of the Roshtarians. Yuki found out about her former friendships with the SOS Brigadiers. Haruhi and Jinnai found out about their mutual attraction. It's not a bad thing for all this to be happening, but it doesn't leave me much to comment on.

Gannan's indoctrination into the SOS Brigade was amusing and interesting.

It was fun to see Yuki figure things out a bit, though I'm not sure that Yuki would be the sort to express her emotions to the point where she would glare at Galus as she did. At any rate, I look forward to seeing how she confronts the problem of being an unwilling servant rather than a willing one.

There was a little more recycled material here, with Haruhi's reenactment of the "Big Raid Medal" presentation.

Nanami's pouncing on Kyon after finding out about Haruhi and Mikuru seemed a bit excessive, but I think I covered that well enough above.

And that's about it! The story has moved forward, or at least sideways. I look forward to reading more!



Well, I thought it would be a good idea to get a lot of the "bringing people up to speed" elements dealt with in one chapter. I also wanted my main focus, for this chapter, to be on getting the Haruhi/Jinnai romance done right. What did you think of that in particular, by the way? Was the dialogue believable/in-character there?

With maybe one small exception in the very last chapter, this is the last recycled material that you'll see in this fanfic.

Good points on Nanami. I was planning to have a bit of a heated confrontation between Haruhi and Nanami at a later juncture, but I might scrap that now, given what you said about Nanami. I guess I kind of liked to have somebody be the bad cop to Makoto's good cop (because Makoto certainly can't be the bad cop ;)  ). Somebody to really push some buttons. Still, I'll try to soften up Nanami a bit.

Is it fair to say that you prefer less talking/more action?

41
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 09, 2009, 11:04:10 pm »
Chapter 11 is now up! : http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?p=9071501&posted=1#post9071501


I hope that everybody here likes it!  ;D

42
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 08, 2009, 03:59:31 pm »
Spanner and Rowan - Wow, you've both given me A LOT to think about. Nice to see you back from vacation, Spanner!

I might have more to say about your reviews later - I'm going to take some time to digest them first, however.

In any event - it's clear that you, Spanner, like the chapters that I enjoy writing the most (Chapter 6 was by far my favorite chapter to write of the past five), while Rowan likes detailed physical descriptions. It shouldn't be too hard to combine both into one.

Also, I referred to Precia as a mage just because that's what Precia Testarossa is in Lyrical Nanoha - making it easier to fuse in Lyrical Nanoha if I later chose to do so. However, since both you and rowan dislike the idea of a third wheel, I'll try to maneuver this back into homage (as far as other animes outside the main two here are concerned).

At this juncture, I'm mostly interested in... have I remained fairly true to all of the characters? Is there any particular character that you feel I haven't done justice to?

I would say that I'm probably half-way through the fanfic now - particularly if I decide to speed it up a bit, given what you said, Spanner, about preserving the image of Haruhi and the SOS Brigade.

Anyway, I wrote a little comedy bit connected to Jinnai's Operation: Permanent Vacation. Perhaps you'll recognize the jingle that it's based off of. ;)

I later decided that this jingle is a bit too silly for the fanfic itself, but I hope you get a laugh out of it at least...



Rapper 1:       Haruhi Suzumiya, the Queen in the blouse!
Rapper 2:       Lord God Jinnai, the dope is in the house!

Haruhi:       I'm Haruhi Suzumiya and I went to Shinonome.
            I'm now in El Hazard and the Bugrom are my hommies! <Bugrom cheer>

Jinnai:            Queen Haruhi's on my side since she wandered from Japan.
           I made the perfect plan because I'm the genius man!  

Diva and Haruhi:      It's Operation Permanent Vacation! <Jinnai laughs>
It's Operation Permanent Vacation!

Haruhi:      The bugrom are my people and I refuse to let them down
           So Princess Rune, hurry up and hand me over your crown!

Jinnai:            And Makoto Mizuhara, I think it's important for you to know what is true.
           If Rune doesn't surrender, Haruhi will unleash all the fires of hell on you!

Diva and Haruhi:      It's Operation Permanent Vacation! <Jinnai laughs>
                 It's Operation Permanent Vacation!

Jinnai:            And with Fatora missing, the threat of the Eye of God does fade
           So it's time to accept the rule and domination of the SOS Brigade!       

Haruhi:       Rebels are back in jail, I will never fail!
               But Mikuru is gone. Where is she? Something's wrong.
           She should be now here singing, but she isn't in my song!

Diva and Haruhi:       It's Operation Permanent Vacation!

Mikuru:       Operation... Oops, it's over now. I'm going to get gonged!

43
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 06, 2009, 10:47:01 am »
New update with Chapter 10 now up!: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068&page=4

I hope that everybody here reading it likes it!  :)

44
El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya
« on: June 04, 2009, 08:35:02 pm »
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Oh, I noticed that. I just wasn't sure if I was reading too much into it or not since, while not beyond the pale (After reading Fish's infamously good Shayla/Jinnai hook-up, Haruhi and Jinnai doesn't seem _that_ bizarre), romance has never seemed like something those two megalomaniacs were seriously interested in. Plus, one of my first thoughts after picking up on that subplot was "Whahoo! This means Kyon's finally free to hook up with Yuki!" and I didn't want to hex that possibility by bringing up the subject. ^_^V  



I'm relieved that neither you nor Spanner (by far the two people following my fanfic the most, after all) are wedded to Haruhi/Kyon in the least (assuming that I'm reading Spanner right). Your Kyon/Yuki preferance is noted, and since I had no strong romantic plans for either of them, I might incorporate that into my fanfic. Indeed, Kyon could be to demon god Yuki what Makoto is to Ifurita. Such a shipping might be perfect for an El Hazard/Haruhi Suzumiya fanfic anway.


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As for turning this into a triple crossover by bringing Lyrical Nanoha into the mix, while the idea itself isn't bad per se I'd warn against it. This started off as a Suzumiya Haruhi/El-Hazard crossover and adding a third series in a major way to the story could diffuse the focus without contributing a whole lot to the plot at this point. You'd really have to insert the crossover convincingly, and at the moment there are some aspects of your use of Precia that stand out as troublesome if she is in fact THE Precia, not least of which is her motivation in Lyrical Nanoha compared to her motivation here.

SPOILER! Skip paragraph to avoid!After all, Precia's reason for gathering the Jewel Seeds was to travel to Al Hazard to bring her daughter back from the dead. Now, if we incorporate your story, you can justify some of her backstory by claiming that she was successful in traveling to Midchilda to cure her daughter's poisoning but her dimensional research to find a way back to El-Hazard backfired by killing the recovered Precia. That is reasonably plausible. However, why would she think El-Hazard could resurrect the dead? You're going to have to answer such questions if you want to pull off this proposal well.End SPOILER!  



Those are good points. I'll keep them in mind. In any event, even if I do bring Lyrical Nanoha officially into it, it'll be fairly subtle and a minor plot point or two.


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Anyway, as for the actual update, not bad. The battle was decently described and had a couple highlights, but there was a bit of a disjunction between the action and dialogue, I felt. Although I know that everything didn't stop as the characters spoke, it kind of seemed that way.



Hhmmm... do you think that added sound effects would help? I focused mostly on describing the visuals of the battle, but perhaps that wasn't enough on its own.


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Galus and Nahato's displeasure at Nanoha for revealing the Phantom Tribe's involvement also seemed somewhat out of place since I don't think she'd previously been described as hiding her Phantom Tribe heritage and being attacked by a blue-skinned humanoid would certainly give their role away.



It was briefly mentioned in a previous chapter that Nanoha had been warned to be careful around Nanami since Nanami can spot Shadow Tribe members. I thought that was enough to convey the fact that Nanoha was in "human skin" disguise, but it was probably too subtle in retrospect. I might go back and edit in a line or two concerning Nanoha's disguise then.


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The story could benefit from more physical/environmental detail on occasion, I think.



Ok, I'll keep that in mind.


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The scenes of Jinnai and Haruhi laughing together and Jinnai leading the Bugrom army to Gagnon came across as the strongest, in my opinion. Jinnai is often at his best with a military force to command and that was certainly the case here. I also really liked Kyon's musing that his "low assessment of a situation was actually not low enough." That fit his sarcastic personality fantastically and was hilarious to boot. I also commend you for keeping me guessing about which way the story's heading. I felt pretty certain that Fujisawa, Kyon, and Koizumi would make it to the Bugrom Hive and meet up with Jinnai and Haruhi, but you surprised me again.  



Good to see I've regained my strength in the Haruhi/Jinnai sections at least. Also, I want at least a couple narration lines per chapter to really reflect Kyon well, so I'm glad that one line came through nicely. :)


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At any rate, thanks for sharing. I might criticize a lot, but I am truly enjoying reading this. And my compliments to the artist again. That's a nice drawing.



Well, if you're enjoying it, that's the main thing. Well... that, and I hope that it's coming across as fairly plausible, at least (character dialogue, character interactions, the way the plot moves, etc...).

Other flaws I might go back and re-edit over time, but basic plot believability and enjoyment is harder to change after its already out there, of course.

Plus, I really appreciate the thorough honest reviews. This fanfic is going to be long enough for chapter reviews to help improve my writing of the broader fanfic as I'm going along. For example, I had intentionally intended to have Makoto and the El Hazard heroes to just go along with Itsuki and Kyon going off on their own. Your points there were right on the money, though, and hence I took the time to pick out who I felt would be the perfect 3rd party member for Kyon/Itsuki - Sensei Fujisawa. Fujisawa definitely added to the battle royale too.

45
El-Hazard Online / Re: El-Hazard Animation Artwork.
« on: June 04, 2009, 02:11:13 am »
Some gorgeous stuff there. A very comprehensive cel collection! Thanks for showing it to us.  ^_^V

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