46

Pic of the Moment / Re: The face says it all

« on: July 21, 2003, 12:58:00 am »

Alielle: Dr. Schtalubaugh, you should have taken care of that before we left home!

47

Pic of the Moment / Re: We interrupt this fight for a special news bulletin...

« on: July 13, 2003, 07:52:00 pm »

Makoto: And as you can see, Katsuhiko Jinnai is ACTUALLY the old caretaker from the amusement park!

Caretaker: And I would have gotten away with it, too, if it wasn't for you meddling kids!

48

Pic of the Moment / Re: By indirect request, a picture with her in it...

« on: July 14, 2003, 08:31:00 pm »

Alielle: Princess Fatora, you have been brought to trial on charges of molestation!

Nanami: I call Shayla-Shayla as the first witness!

Shayla: You're goin' down, bitch!

Makoto: Hasn't anyone noticed that Alielle's the judge here? I'm not sure she can be considered impartial...

Fatora: Heh, heh, heh...

49

Pic of the Moment / Re: Alielle and Ura

« on: June 11, 2003, 09:49:00 pm »

Alielle: *Steels herself* Okay... I've never considered taking this step before... But Lady Fatora is away, and Nanami and Big Sister Shayla are busy... And Ura's a girl, right? Right? And SOOOOO flexible...

Ura: *Sleeps peacefully, not knowing the horrors that lay in store for her...*

50

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Sequel Sample

« on: July 29, 2009, 11:01:07 am »

Very cute, very comedic. While I question whether the ruse would hold up in real life, in the context of a comedic anime continuity like El-Hazard or Haruhi, this kind of transparent ploy to "prove" Jinnai's independant identity from SOS Man is likely to convince pretty much everyone except straight-men like Kyon, and establish numerous opportunities for running gags down the line. ("For the last time, I do NOT eat babies! Or anyone else, for that matter! Gaaah!")

I appreciated Megraton's brief mention as a leader who does NOT allow Bugrom within his borders. It was a nice touch.

Anyway, it gets the thumbs-up from me, at least.

I did notice that the new Bugrom/Alliance... er... alliance seems to be built partly on the platform of "Our two races against the nasty Shadow Tribe!" or, at least, that's how SOS Man's spiel sounded. While he did couch it mostly in terms of his great victory over Galus, rather than over the Tribe, phrases like "dispensing with all shadows" and "aid bugrom and human alike" seem to imply it. Does this mean that Haruhi and Jinnai don't plan to extend the olive branch to the Shadow Tribe, as well? That they will be enemies, even with Galus deposed? How do sympethizers among the Tribe feel about this (well, I suppose Nanoha is really the only one we actually know about)?

I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, or should be changed; on the contrary, it opens up all kinds of interesting story opportunities. Do the Tribe still resent the Allies and Bugrom, and vice-versa? Or do they want a piece of this love-fest that's suddenly erupted but feel alienated by being labeled the "bad guys"?

I'm not sure whether your softer, gentler, school-romancy sequel is the place for this kind of racial tension or not, but I thought I'd throw that out there.

51

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 20, 2009, 03:10:33 pm »

Oh, one other thing: Kyon narration. I have to admit, Kyon narration works best when ALL of the scenes are ones that Kyon is personally present for. In the novels and even the anime, pretty much nothing is described that Kyon isn't personally there to witness. In this story, a great deal of stuff happens that is outside of Kyon's ability to percieve (like Galus and Nahato's plotting), and while most of it is stuff that he could have been told about later, it's still a little awkward.

I have to agree that it might be best to drop the Kyon narritive, if you're going to be covering the activites of a large cast that are frequently split apart from each other.

Honestly, I think that's the bigger problem here, than Kyon not maintaining a proper level of "snarkiness".

And I completely missed that you asked for my opinions on the YouTube trailer and the Haruhi Bugrom Queen pic. I enjoyed the trailer all right; I thought it was well done. I'm afraid I don't really have any specific comments to share on it. I loved the Bugrom Haruhi pic, but I'll have to admit that I was kind of hoping to see Haruhi in a similar getup to Queen Diva, rather than in her school uniform. Still, it was cute enough seeing her with antennae.

52

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 20, 2009, 03:05:58 pm »

Ah, I think I've confused you a bit with my support of several aspects of the Jinnai/Haruhi romance while simultaneously refusing the accept the romance as a valid one as a whole. Let me see if I can articulate it a bit better. Also remember that a whole lot of this is driven by my own personal opinions on the characters personalities and backgrounds, and my personal opinions on romance in general. Just because I don't buy it doesn't mean it's wrong.

Probably what I consider to be the core of the problem is something that you seem to feel is actually one of the greatest STRENGTHS of the relationship: Haruhi and Jinnai consider each other to be equals. It is my feeling that one of the defining aspects of both characters is that they have no equals - and that if they find someone that they see with the potential to be an equal, the one and ONLY recourse is a rivalry to firmly establish which of the two is better than the other.

Jinnai MUST be at the top. He may be, in theory, Queen Diva's general, but I don't think there's any doubt in his mind (or the mind of the audience, for that matter) that he's the one really in charge. If Queen Diva were ever to seriously oppose him, he'd find some way to force her to change her mind, or simply find some other way to prove his ultimate superiority that doens't involve using the Bugrom as a tool.

Haruhi MUST be at the top. She's the Brigade Chief, and as much as she says that she wants to find and befriend time travelers, aliens, espers, and sliders, I have little doubt that if she ever managed it, SHE would be choosing the games they play, setting the events they attend, etc., etc.

In both cases, it's hard for me to imagine them in a romantic pairing in which they are not "wearing the pants", as it were. I feel that for a romance to bloom with one of these characters as a member, the other member would need to be the sort who quietly supports them, not someone who calls the shots. Haruhi or Jinnai would certainly acquiesce to the wishes of their partner from time to time, but because they choose to please their partner, not because they believe their partner has an equal place in the decision-making process.

It is my feeling that, if Haruhi and Jinnai were placed into a situation like the one you constructed for this story, each of them would chafe more and more as each attempted to assert their own will. Eventually, one or the other (or both) would blow up, and they'd go their seperate ways.

It seems that you felt the same way, at least to a degree, as you built up their relationship on a series of misunderstandings. Haruhi had no idea that Jinnai was a megalomaniac who's machinations had cost countless lives, and Jinnai had no idea that Haruhi had any problem with that kind of lifestyle. Afterwards, when they finally DID have their confrontation and blow-up, the fact that they were already in love, using that was a good excuse for why they didn't just go their seperate ways.

However, I just don't feel that the love should have developed as far as it did without Jinnai and Haruhi "testing the waters", so to speak, for dominance - and as soon as both members realized that a vy for power was on the table, things should have gotten ugly.

Basically, one or both characters needed to change some fundamental aspects of their characters in order for the romance to work. In this case, I felt it was Jinnai that got "nerfed", as it were. By the end of the story, it was pretty clear that Haruhi was the one that was going to get her way. He wants to kill Makoto, she doesn't want that, Makoto lives. He wants world conquest, she wants to form a club, they form a club. While Haruhi was willing to make some concessions for Jinnai's benefit, she's definitely the one calling she shots. I just can't put myself in a mindset that's able to accept this as a valid development of Jinnai's character, any more than I would have been able to accept a Haruhi that was content to sit back and let Jinnai continue his rampage.

Kyon/Haruhi works because it's easy to imagine Kyon pretty much letting Haruhi have her way, stepping in only when he feels she's gone too far, and her listening to him only because she cares for him and doesn't want to upset him. That's more or less exactly the relationship they have already, to be honest, just without any open declartions of love. He's clearly the passive member of their relationship and she the dominant.

It's also a reason why Haruhi/Fatora would never seriously work as a relationship, in spite of all our joking. Neither Fatora nor Haruhi could possibly tolerate a partner as determined to have their own way all the time as the other.

Well... to be fair, I'm throwing around words like "never" awfully freely. My difficulties with the pairing work under the assumption that I know every aspect of the characters involved, which, naturally, can't be true, as there's no way for one person to know another completely. For instance, one of the steps you took to make Jinnai a valid partner for Haruhi was to assert that he'd taken the path of a villain because he felt that taking the role of a villian was the only way he'd be able to properly defeat Makoto. I tend to feel that Jinnai chose that path because it was a convenient one that had been offered to him, and that defeating Makoto was simply one of many goals he had in his desire to acquire power. Both views of his character are valid ones, given what we've seen of him from the anime.

To sum up, I don't feel that Haruhi or Jinnai would ever be satisfied in a relationship with an equal partner; they would each continually attempt to assert dominance, and that would spoil any attempt to actually remain together.

Don't take this to mean, by the way, that I believe that all couples require a dominant and submissive pairing. I just feel that these particular characters have a drive to remain on top that would prevent that kind of equality in a relationship.

Anyway, the reason that I can be so dead-set against the pairing and still provide positive feed back on many of their interactions basically has to do with suspension of disbelief. I was not convinced that the progression you showed us actually would have lead to a romantic pairing, but I was still able to evaluate subsequent scenes AS THOUGH they had been enough. Essentially, I approached scenes like this: "If we were to assume that Jinnai was in love with Haruhi for some reason, is this how he'd come to her rescue?" or "If we were to assume that Jinnai was in love with Haruhi for some reason, is this how he'd react to the S.O.S. Man costume?"

Essentially, I was able to give positive comments about their characterization during their romance by ignoring the fact that I was totally unconvinced that the romance could ever form. Basically, they're in love, deal with it, now is this how they would behave if they were in love?

I will admit that of all the possible paths you could have taken to establish their loving relationship, the one you took is the closest I can think of to something that has a remote chance of working. In the beginning, they were able to get close to one another because each had a thorough enough misunderstanding of the other that each believed that they were the ones in charge - or at the very least, that the other was no threat to their authority. This allowed them to become close in ways that no straight-up rivalry would have allowed.

To end things off, I'd like to mention that I was a bit bemused at one of the things you mentioned about your reasons for attempting this story: That Jinnai was pretty much a male equivalent to Haruhi. While I agree wholeheartedly with this assessment, I disagree with the sentiment that this would make them a natural pairing. Characters - or even real people - that are too much alike rarely make for good couples. It's better if a couple has a variety of traits between them - they should have personalities that complement one another, not exactly match.

By the way, I also am familiar with the "cross-gender" phenominon associated with Haruhi fandom, and instantly recognized Haruki as likely being modeled after the male version of Haruhi. I'll admit I'm a bit cynical about the whole deal; to me, it smacks of the Japanese fans being dissatisfied with seeing the male lead with such a "womanly" submissive personality and taking as much crap as he does from a woman - so they inverted everything so that Kyonko was in the "proper" role. I might be blowing things out of perspective, though. And, as cynical as I might be, I do enjoy seeing fanworks that use the cross-gender concept, so it's not exactly something that offends me.

53

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 17, 2009, 03:25:48 pm »

Rowan, given the nature of who Haruki is surely you must understand why I didn't want to tip my hat to him at all. It's easy to imagine, for example, that if I had incorporated the line that you suggested into an earlier chapter, that you and Spanner would ask "Why aren't Kyon and Koizumi brainstorming more on who this stranger could be? Why aren't they bringing him up to their new El Hazard friends?"

And once I walk down THAT path, I risk giving the entire secret away... which would spoil the Haruhi/Jinnai plot-line entirely.

Now that I've read Rowan's thoughts and your reply, I wanted to touch on this topic, since it's one that I brought up in my review as well.

There are ways to have introduced Haruki early in the story without necessarily having given anything away. For instance, he could have simply been the student representative who volunteered to show Haruhi and friends around. Perhaps Kyon could have noticed that he seemed familiar somehow, but I don't think that would have given things away if you'd left it at that. (You'd probably have to have disguised the fact that HE was the one to send them to El-Hazard, in this case.)

Or, if you prefer, you could have simply passed him off as a member of a faction of time travellers (there's multiple factions, I believe, including Mikuru's), who approached Itsuki's Organization with a proposal that they found to be advantageous. Given the nature of the Haruhi universe, I think this is something that most Haruhi fans would pass off as acceptable, and not immediately come to the conclusion that he's related to any of the cast. (After all, Mikuru's not related to anyone - as far as we know.)

Both of these solutions would have left the guy as a relative non-entity - until you sprung him as being significant after all. It's a very different situation than the one with Ifurita, I think.

While you did avoid the problem of, "Why don't Kyon and Itsuki talk about this strange dude that sent them here?", you replaced it with the problem of, "Wait, a strange dude sent them here? Why didn't Kyon and Itsuki ever talk about him earlier in the story?"

While I'm admittedly unfamiliar with the Iron Man / Dr. Doom plotline you mentioned, I don't think this is very similar. Rather than characters omitting valuable information because they don't know about it (I'm guessing Iron Man didn't know about Dr. Doom's involvement), or because they think it's irrelevant, they've omitted it because the author doesn't want the readers to know about it, even though it's something that the characters should be more interested in.

Anyway, now onto the post story questions you asked!

Ok... How do you feel I did with each of the following over the course of the entire fanfic?


Characterization -

Jinnai and Haruhi were presented extraordinarily well, even granting my personal skepticism at pairing them romantically.

Kyon seemed, perhaps, a little off at times, and when those times occurred, I mentioned them. He was predominantly well-done, though I think he could have been a bit whinier.

Nanami was a bit rough to start with, but once you recognized it she improved greatly.

I enjoyed the Fatora scenes, but had to admit that she seemed a little more restrained than she should have been.

Galus seemed a little iffy; most of the time he was the mwahaha schemer I felt he should be, but sometimes he seemed jarringly random in his actions.

Pretty much all the rest of the canon casts were presented well.

I enjoyed almost all of the original characters you added and some, like Prince Randorm, I found myself wishing had shown up a little more later on rather than making an appearance and then disappearing into the mists of time.

Basic Enjoyment/Fun Factor -

It was a good romp. I won't say that it's the best fanfiction that I've ever read, but it's one that I read through to the end and enjoyed most of the ride.

Plot Believability -

Pretty good. I had some discomfort with Galus's plans and the conclusions that he jumped to, but for the most part the characters moved the plot along in sensible ways.

General Writing Quality -

To be honest, the comic-booky style didn't really work for me. (It doesn't work very well for me in comic books, either, to be honest. ) I thought that the gratuitous use of italics and boldface text were more distracting than engaging. This almost certainly is more a matter of opinion, though, than an evaluation of your writing quality.

Setting that aside, your grammar and spelling were predominantly good. I have no complaints.

OVERALL -

There were times in this story when you seemed to add elements without thinking carefully enough about how they would affect the plot or reflect upon the characters, such as Galus's eye-trap for Mikuru, the Shadow Tribe Detector, the whole deal with there being only one school in El-Hazard, and so on. Pretty much the only moments that this story felt uneven were at those times.

Fortunately (while it might seem otherwise from the way my reviews were focused), such moments were pretty few and far between. The story was a good read, and one that I think most fans of either Haruhi or El-Hazard would enjoy. It is a positive addtion to fanfiction as a whole.

1. Which character do you think I did the best job with?

It's a close running between Haruhi and Jinnai, but I think Jinnai edges out, as he's the one that had to go through the most changes for this fanfiction to work. Jinnai's and Haruhi's argument to try to "convert" the other was possibly the best passage in this whole story. You managed to turn Jinnai into a "good guy" of sorts while leaving his basic personality intact. Good work!

2. Which character do you think I did the poorest job with?

If I had to pick one, I guess I'd unfortunately have to say Galus. While his erraticism was no doubt partly to do with your attempting to keep the readers guessing, when a character is TOO random, it simply becomes difficult to enjoy him at all.

3. Which chapter/scene was your favorite?

As you might have guessed, the great Haruhi/Jinnai conquer the world MY way debate.

4. Which chapter/scene was your least favorite?

Probably the Quest for Itsuki's Plant. The whole poisoned Itsuki thing seemed a little too much like filler so the good guys would have something to do.

5. Which of the following sequel ideas do you like the best (keep in mind that some are mutually exclusive)?


Prequel: The Shinonome High of Haruhi Suzumiya - This would explore Haruhi Suzumiya's time at Shinonome High in the "original" time-line, eventually showing the journey to El Hazard half-way through. This one is compatible with all of the sequel options.

I'm not enormously excited about it, but it could be a cool story. I guess the biggest problem is that Haruki's summary sort of gave away all the "good parts" already.

Sequel Option 1 - El Hazard's Finest - Focus' on SOS Man and Bugwoman; very comic booky; by far the most action-packed sequel based on my current ideas.

Sounds cute. Not my favorite among the options, but not bad.

Sequel Option 2 - The Conquest of Katsuhiko Jinnai - Jinnai slips back into semi-villainy with a diabolical plot to militarily conquer El Hazard that he hopes will elude the notice of peace-loving Bugrom Queen Haruhi.

I don't like this one much. Sounds like it opens up a can of worms that would be tough to close again (just how often will the Alliance be expected to trust Jinnai). It COULD work, if Jinnai chose a target they hadn't made peace with but that Haruhi would undoubtedly WANT to make peace with - the remnants of the Shadow Tribe, perhaps?

Sequel Option 3 - Haruhi Suzumiya's Return from El Hazard - This is the most... standard of the sequel options and will have many different subplots, trying to evenly balance out the El Hazard/Haruhi casts. Similar in style and tone to the fanfic I just finished here, but probably with significantly less action of the fighting sort.

Not bad. It's hard for me to imagine why Haruhi would WANT to return from El-Hazard, but it could well be that you have something in mind. Considering that this fanfiction was a good one, more of the same certainly doesn't sound bad at all.

Sequel Option 4 - El Hazard's Lyrical Nanoha - This sequel would be told from the perspective of Nanoha Inverse, and hence she would be the big star, with Kyon a close second, and the Shadow Tribe a close third. It will be a homage to Magical Girl Lyrical Nanoha.

Given how unbelievably cute I found the Kyon/Nanoha romance angle to be, I like this idea a lot. Kinda surprising from someone that objected so strenuously to the "crossover" in the first place, eh? That said, though, I'd think you'd want to be careful in how much of an homage you actually make this to Lyrical Nanoha. Nanoha Inverse worked best, I think, because she borrowed a few elements from her source material but still evolved into her own character. I think it'd be a mistake to re-tell Lyrical Nanoha in the El-Hazard setting, if that's your plan, but it's not a bad idea at all to tell a new story that evolves the character further while drawing upon some elements from Lyrical Nanoha.

Tangent Story - The Adventures of Haruki Suzumiya-Jinnai - Loaded with original characters, scenes, and situations, though with some focus on Haruki's life growing up, and hence on his parents and the Bugrom Empire. Cameo appearances by most El Hazard/Haruhi Suzumiya characters. Would probably have something of a Dr. Who/Flash Gordon feel.

I'm definitely interested in learning who Haruki's rival is, so I think a story focusing on Haruki is definitely in order in some form!

So, there you have it. The story I'm most interested in is the Nanoha one, but the more-of-the-same option 3 would not be out of order, either. Given the way that the original story ended, the Haruki tangent would not be unwelcome, as well.

54

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 17, 2009, 02:19:29 pm »

Before I start my review of Chapter 20, I wanted to address a couple things that you mentioned.

First off, you expressed disappointment that I was apparently predicting the events of the final chapter. Please don't take that too seriously... While you pride yourself on surprises and randomness to keep the reader guessing, please understand that a longtime reader of fiction like myself is going to recognize patterns in stories. None of my "predictions" were specific enough to guarantee anything except a happy ending - and it's really not unreasonable to expect a happy ending, given the way that the story has proceeded so far.

There are authors out there, to be sure, who are so determined to buck the "natural" storytelling order that they'll pull a tragic ending out of an otherwise uplifting story, but such attempts, while shocking, are merely shocking for shock's value; they're rarely examples of good storytelling. Predictable does NOT always equal bad.

In this case, pretty much the only way that you could fail to meet my expectations would be to suddeny twist the story around into some kind of grim, nightmarish conclusion where everybody dies and Gauls wins forever bwahahahaha! While that kind of ending would, indeed, be surprising, that doesn't mean that it would be a GOOD ending. Certainly not one worthy of this story as it's been written so far.

To respond to your analysis of Galus's fallability, you're right, we may have been assigning Galus a bit too much credit. On the other hand, both in this fanfiction and in the original source material, Galus has been presented as a schemer with a brilliant mind. In otherwords, someone who is probably smarter than I am. So, when judging whether a situation should be considered a "plothole" or not in his case, I try to estimate, "Is that a problem that I'd be able to see?" and then modify a bit to try to accound for Galus's prejudices and megalomania. It's not an exact science, but that's where I'm coming from.

(It's a bit of a modification on the "5-year old" test that more comic book writers SHOULD apply to their work than actually do: Does this plan have holes in it that a 5-year old could see? Failure to apply this rule is one of the reasons that comic books and other similar media have the "kid's stuff" stigma that they do, in spite of the fact that so many works are well above that level.)

Anyway, on to Chapter 20!

We start off with Galus's brutal thrashing of Jinnai. I appreciated the glance into Galus's mindset, and how he realized that with everything about to blow up around him this was the only way to salvage even a partial victory. This is the Galus we like to see, one that always has a back-up plan! Jinnai's futile come-back was well-done as well; it was good to see him get a few blows in. I have to admit, though, that if I was Galus I might have been a little more... drastic in my abuse of Jinnai. While killing him is out, ripping off a limb or two, gouging out an eye, or some other graphic and LASTING injury might have moved Haruhi along the path of despair a little more quickly.

On Kyon's front, I enjoyed their group efforts to diffuse the bomb, and if I'd been a teenaged girl I'd have squeeee'd for sure at Kyon's "I'm gonna die anyway so why not?" kiss with Nanoha. The "Oh crap, I didn't die, what now?" awkwardness that followed was fun, too.

I thought that Haruhi's montage of morale-boosting memories dragged on a hair too long, but the emergence of BUGWOMAN at the end was well-worth the wait. I was glad, too, to finally see an explanation as to why Haruhi modelled Jinnai's superhero alter-ego off of a thoroughly western construct like Superman, when there were many Japanese heros she could have chosen. Superman's origins as a friendly alien hidden among humans would have definitely struck a cord with her. (On the other hand, I'd be shocked if there wasn't SOME Japanese manga hero with similar origins, but I shan't quibble.)

And then Haruhi's and Katsuhiko's romantic pledge of love... It was nice. Hopefully you weren't TOO disappointed that you didn't convert me over to Jinnai/Haruhism by the story's conclusion; I did warn you it'd be a tough sell. And NOT because I was lusting for a Haruhi/Fatora lesbian romp, thankyouverymuch.

Haruhi then shows her boyfriend off to her friends. I liked this scene a lot, as it had lots of funny awkward moments, "Uh, yeah, I already met Jinnai. He was trying to kill Makoto at the time." Loved the all-too apt comparison of Kyon to Groucho, too.

The peace treaty signing was well-done, with an additional appearance by our old friend Megraton. Then there was Fatora's fate as per the peace accord... It felt just a bit as though were were throwing us reviewers what you percieved to be a bone, but it was cute nonetheless. (Brokeback Muldoon was a great choice of names, by the way; the name alone evokes nearly the entire storyline of the lonely priestesses that find comfort in each others' arms...) Perhaps Fatora will take a greater interest in the political side of her job, now that someone's around to make her life miserable who has at least as much mischief in her soul as she.

Then the wrap-up. The introduction of Haruki Suzumiya-Jinnai would have been a MUCH nicer touch if that "strange student" had actually been mentioned earlier in the story. It's possible that he was, and I just couldn't find it again, but I had no memory of it. It was a good way to explain how Yuki and Itsuki had as much foreknowledge as they did. However, your wording seemed to imply that the two had a near-step-by-step map of everything that was going to happen in El-Hazard. Or perhaps I'm reading too much into it... Anyway, I think it'd be much more suitable for the son of Jinnai and Haruhi to risk everything on a wild gamble:

(Jinnai side) That rat thinks he's bested me, but I'll get my parents together yet!

(Haruhi side) I'm sure if I introduce my parents to each other they'll fall in love! Everything will work out!

He then throws everyone to El-Hazard and lets nature take its course.

The idea of the El-Hazard and Haruhi continuities as we know them being the result of malignant manipulations by the enemy of Jinnai's and Haruhi's son's enemy was an interesting one. It definitely makes me wish that Haruki had at least thrown out a name, though; with his foe remaining nameless, it gives him a deus ex machinaish feel that would have been very easy to avoid.

Anyway, we DID have a happy ending, and believe me I'm happy to see it. Everything wrapped up well, with interesting futures available as an option for each character, plenty of hooks for sequels if you feel the itch, and so on. Well done, I very much enjoyed this final chapter, and the story as a whole!

55

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 07, 2009, 04:11:00 pm »

Oh, I forgot to respond to your question about Yuki's powers. To be honest, I don't know how far-reaching Yuki's world-changing abilities are. I know that the events happen (they take place in Novel #4, "The Vanishment of Haruhi Suzumiya"), but I don't know whether the fanfiction authors may have embellished exactly what Yuki did in that novel.

Regardless, even within the scope of the first season of the anime, we've witnessed some rather phenominal abilities on the part of the Human Interfaces we've seen, such as Ryoko's ability to transform a classroom into a sealed environment, Ryoko's ability to hold Kyon helplessly in place, Ryoko's and Yuki's ability to transform matter from one form to another, and so on.

Ifurita's abilities, from what we saw of them, seemed strictly limited to combat techniques. Even in the case of her shutting down the Eye of God, that wasn't her own ability; it was Makoto, working through her using the Power Key Staff she'd left with him. Now, to be sure, with the techniques Ifurita has picked up over the ages she was an incredible force to be reckoned with, the fact still remains that her chosen methods for dealing with foes involves shooting stuff at them, rather than, say, transforming them into a chunk of lead.

While we may disagree on how powerful each respective entity may be, I think that the evidence we've seen shows Yuki to have the upper hand in close-quarters combat. Even if she can't nuke a city, if Yuki can render you completely helpless she's gonna win any one-on-one encounter.

Oh, good grief - this is starting to sound like one of those lame Superman vs. Goku threads.

56

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 07, 2009, 03:51:13 pm »

All right! A few days late, but I finally dug into chapter 18!

Haruhi's conversation with smug Galus was well-handled. It's comforting to see that Galus STILL underestimates the Power of Love! And the Power of Friendship. Oh, you bad-guy types... don't you ever learn?

The "phantom scope" seemed a little too convenient, and I think it might turn out to be a bit weighty an albatross to deal with in the long run. A device like that, if widely manufactured, would all but end the Shadow Tribe as a threat! (Not to mention, render Nanami's power virtually useless.) Still, since this story is almost over, and the sequel probably won't feature them as prominently, I guess it's okay.

The scene with Jinnai's grudging vow not to kill that rat Mizuhara was well-played.

Galus's careful efforts to neutralize our heroes' abilities without killing them have my anticipation growing steadily. It's pretty clear that he could kill our heroes anytime that he wants to - if those acid shots had been projectile weapons instead, he could have easily killed Mikuru, for instance. You're clearly building up to something big for Galus to have gone through all this trouble; I very much hope it's not just a big ol' gloating session. It's always a let-down to see an otherwise careful villian on the verge of success gather the heroes because there's nothing they can do about it - only they do something about it.

I was pleased with Itsuki's announcement that he is immune to Yuki's time-freezing abilities. That's a good fix for the problem, and it looks like it might give Itsuki a moment in the spotlight as well.

Team Fujisawa's heroic struggle against Galus's trap was well-done, though I was a bit irked that Galus was apparently deliberately trying to kill them - and then changed his mind! As a writer, my advice would be to give Galus a mindset and then stick with it. If he needs them alive, have him spare them. If he wants them dead, keep it that way unless a legitimate reason comes up for his sparing them.

A better solution in this case, I think, would have been to either had Galus's intentions be non-lethal from the start, or allowed our heroes to escape to someplace temporarily beyond Galus's immediate reach before falling unconscious (maybe breaking through the wall would lead into a hard-to-access part of the facility, for instance).

(Edit: After reading Chapter 19, I know why Galus chose to spare them. Even so, I think this passage would have been better handled either with Galus planning to spare them from the start, planning to spare them IF they survived, or unable to kill them because they escaped. The fickle, spur-of-the-moment change of heart doesn't suit Galus well.)

Interesting, how in spite of all the preperations to deal with Yuki's time freezing ability, that ability never really came into play during the battle.

Finally, SOS Man leads the Bugrom in their finest hour! I enjoyed his speech (especially the part where he nearly went into convulsions regarding the Bugrom/Roshtaria truce). And so ends Chapter 18!

And now, Chapter 19. I definitely appreciated Kyon's comparison of Galus's methods to those of a certain Clown Prince of Crime. I have to admit, though, that I'm still holding out hope that there's an actual method to Galus's madness, rather than madness for madness's sake.

And now, Nanoha returns! I have to admit I was kind of expecting to see her around this point.

I chuckled a bit at the representation of Yuki's shackles being that of a thirty foot wall of screaming Shadow Tribe heads, and at Makoto's uneasiness both at the screaming wall and at Yuki's nonchalant attitude about it.

I enjoyed Kyon's and Nanoha's little heart-to-heart, and felt that it was quite well-done. Nanoha's reasons for changing sides were well-presented and believable, especially given her previous history.

At last, we have Galus spilling his guts in regards to his master plan! I'm glad to see that he didn't just gather all the heroes to gloat at them, but he still does seem to be taking some rather odd risks given that he's not a god QUITE yet. On the other hand, he seems to have done a pretty good job in preparing for Yuki's betrayal. That was good to see.

Then, SOS Man to the rescue! I was a bit disgruntled at Galus's utter shock that Jinnai came at all. Even assuming that Galus knew the conditions that Jinnai had to satisfy to escape imprisonment, wouldn't Galus have considered the possibility that Jinnai might LIE in order to get out? He seemed awfully confident that Jinnai was permanently removed from the equasion, when it seems like there are many ways Jinnai could have weaseled out of his predicament, even discounting those that depend on the Power of Love. While it was certainly appropriate for Galus to taunt Haruhi with images of Jinnai stewing in jail forever due to Haruhi's betrayal, it's not something Galus should have taken so far to heart himself.

That said, though, I have to admit that I loved the scenes described during the rescue. Jinnai's rescue scene was quite amusing and well-done, both in the very Jinnai-esque strategies involved (flinging a Super Bugrom at the barrier to break it down was an especially nice touch), and in the confrontation scene on the rooftop.

In the end, though, Galus reveals his Mecha-Galus powers! Will Galus triumph over his foes? (No.) Will everyone be blown to bits by the hydrogen bomb? (No.) Will Jinnai and Haruhi be reunited at last? (Yes. Well, they kinda have already, I guess.) Stay tuned for the answers to these gripping questions!!!

57

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 04, 2009, 03:56:36 pm »

Sorry I've been out of touch; last week was unexpectedly busy. As such, I haven't had a chance to read your new material yet. I thought I'd pop in and answer your questions, however:

who knows, maybe there will be more story to tell. Would you be interested, Spanner?

I might indeed.

Finally, I intended for Yuki to maintain all of her original abilities, and simply add El Hazard demon god ones to them. Mind you, I did this with out knowing just how powerful Yuki was... yikes!

Yeah, giving Yuki the abilities of a Demon God is a bit like giving a fish the ability to swim. I don't think there's anything Ifurita can do that Yuki couldn't, if Yuki were motivated to do so.

BTW - Haruhi and Jinnai are the same age. They're both 17, according to Absolute Anime, If I remember correctly.

Remember, at the start of the series (or first, novel, if you prefer), both Kyon and Haruhi are beginning their first year of High School, which, in the US, would be tenth grade. When you first see them, they are both fifteen years old, though might have become sixteen at some point during the first year. If Absolute Anime lists them as seventeen, I'd say they're either mistaken, or using Haruhi's age from the later novels (I'm not sure how many years the Haruhi franchise covers). Another possibility is that both of them were held back a year - but that seems extremely unlikely, as Haruhi is supposed to be a brilliant student, and Kyon is, at the very least, average (though given his distinct philosophical bent, I'd say he's probably a lot brighter than he gives himself credit for).

Three special questions for both Spanner and Rowan...

1) Did you like the Alielle/Fatora dialogue in Chapter 17? Basically, do you think I'm still writing them well?

Well, it's like I said earlier; I thought that Fatora seemed a little too restrained, though, again, that could be attributed to their current surroundings. She actually asks Haruhi's permission to drag her into bed, and takes no for an answer!

Alielle seemed spot-on, though; I have no complaints about her dialogue. Fatora's off-handed way of discarding Alielle when it was convenient seemed in-character for Fatora, as well. If you're asking strictly about the dialogue between these two characters, rather than the dialogue of these two character with each other and with everyone else, I'd have to say it's good work.

2) Having had about 16 chapters of bugrom dialogue, how do you feel about it now? Do you like the personality that I've given Groucho, for example? Truthfully, my Groucho is highly inspired by 80s/early 90s western cartoons. I even tried to give him just a touch of Optimus Prime.

I think your interpretation of Groucho is perfectly legitimate, and I enjoy it quite a bit!

3) Pertaining to the climax, I'm weighing three options...

  1) Cheesy and over-the-top, but hopefully really fun

  2) Very intense, a bit dark, but you'll probably have to suspend disbelief a bit.

  3) Most of the fun of 1 with less cheese, the intensity of 2 with less darkness, but more plot devicey than 1 or 2 ( not requiring suspension of disbelief, just plot devicey).

Any preference between the 3?

All three options sound tempting, though it's really hard to make a judgment without knowing exactly what you have in mind. I will admit that the bit about supension of disbelief seems a bit ominous; best to avoid stretching that unless absolutely necessary. I guess I'd have to side with Rowan and say 1 or 3 would be for the best.

Before I sign off, I did want to remark on one additional thing; you expressed confusion at the idea of Haruhi taking an aggressive attitude toward Fatora, when both Rowan and I agree that she's pretty hopeless when it comes to matters of love. There's an easy answer to that: love doesn't have anything to do with it, at least not the romantic sort that Haruhi considers to be a "mental illness".

What Haruhi does to Mikuru, and what Fatora does to the women she dominates, can't really be considered love or romance. There may be sex involved (at least in Fatora's case) or sexual harassment, but it's essentially one party using the other for personal enjoyment, not a loving relationship at all.

While it may be difficult for me to swallow Haruhi falling in love with someone (or, I should say, for her to admit to herself that she's falling in love with someone), I could see her having sex with someone if it suited her to do so. As she said herself, she's a healthy teenaged girl, and she has needs. That doesn't necessarily have anything to do with love.

In the case of Fatora, I'm not saying that she should hop into bed with her. However, Fatora is clearly trying to intimidate and dominate her - and as Brigade Chief, it's not the kind of thing I think she would stand for! Haruhi, once "challenged" in this way, should take steps to bend Fatora to her will, whether it be through counter-intimidation, blackmail, or whatever other tools prove to be convenient. Not that she'd necessarily be successful - both of them have very strong wills, and a rather painful lack of common sense. Their clash of wills could be most entertaining.

Note, that's just my interpretation of both their characters. Your interpretation may be different, but it's not necessarily bad or wrong. I'll admit, though, that that's the kind of thing I hoped for when you promised a Fatora/Haruhi comedy scene. It's like I said, you can't please me all the time, and it's a mistake to even try!

Hopefully, I'll have a chance to read chapter 18 tomorrow.

58

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 29, 2009, 10:41:16 am »

On the topic of Yuki, I think I'm beginning to understand your difficulty and frustration. It might assist you in your writing if you understood how I viewed her character initially in the context of your work.

Having read a great deal of Haruhi fanfiction, many of which cover topics WELL outside of the scope of my personal knowledge of the franchise, I knew from the start that Yuki was ridiculously powerful. There are some that say that her power even outstrips Haruhi's, or at least parallels it (though I suspect those folks to be Yuki fanboys). For example, (and this may be a spoiler, if you choose to pass it over), at one point Yuki completely rewrites the world to exclude Haruhi and to transform herself, Mikuru, and Itsuki into ordinary humans. She is eventually forced by the Integrated Data Entity to undo the changes, and would have even been severely disciplined by them if not for Kyon's intervention.

Even if you go by the first book / first anime season, it's pretty apparent that human interfaces like Yuki have a ridiculous amount of power. Ryoko had Kyon pretty much entirely at her mercy when she tried to kill him. The fact that she tried to kill him with a knife and allowed him to run free for a while seemed more to do with her own personal curiousity as to how humans react to death, rather than any limitation on her part.

The reason Yuki works as a character in the original works is that she's primarily an observer, and rarely executes her power. When she does execute her power, the author is careful to have her do it in such a way that it serves a specific purpose; pretty much the only time it's used as a deux ex machina, for instance, is when she saves Kyon from Ryoko. In that case, it was a neccessary intervention to prove to Kyon (and the readers) that she really IS an alien life form.

In this story, you've transformed Yuki into an antagonist which, while I found it to be an exciting and interesting idea, is potentially disastrous. The amnesia you gave her was an excellent idea, as was transforming her body into that of a Demon God. Either or both were great potential ways to limit her usual godly power into something the protagonists could handle. Heck, the fact that I'm considering being changed into a Demon God as a DOWNGRADE should give you a hint as to how troublesome Yuki's power could be unfettered.

Instead, though, it seems that you actually intended not to limit Yuki's power at all. The purpose of the amnesia was to allow her to attack her friends without mercy, and the purpose of the Demon God form was to put a leash on her that Galus could hold. This, I think, may be at the heart of the troubles you're facing now. You want Yuki to have all the power of a fully-fledged Data Entity, and also have her be an unrestrained antagonist. This may be a pretty tall order to try to tackle - I'm pretty sure that I, myself, couldn't come up with a satisfactory solution.

Don't let me get you down, though - I don't think you've TOTALLY painted yourself into a corner, but it might take some careful waffling to provide a convincing reason. You might want to back down a bit from giving Yuki all of the powers and abilities demonstrated in the novels, at least until she reestablishes contact with the Integrated Data Entity. Again, her amnesia and new body are good excuses to use to prevent her from being totally unstoppable.

On the topic of Haruhi's being able to change into a fully-functional copy of Ifurita, I don't necessarily think that's unreasonable. After all, Haruhi does have virtually unlimited abilities to change reality (her shackle is the fact that she doesn't KNOW she has such powers), so her shapeshifting abilities could work pretty much any way she wants them to. Essentially, her abilities are limited only to what she THINKS they're limited to. This might seem overly versatile, but bear in mind that Haruhi, for all her optimistic yearning for the unusual, is a hardened skeptic and realist. She's likely to make all kinds of logical assumptions about her abilities that don't neccessarily hold true (for instance, she might be able to transform herself into the Eye of God, but given how absurd that would be, she's not likely to try it, or even think she'd be able).

Heck, before Jinnai encouraged her to stretch her wings (pun very much intended ), Haruhi didn't show any indication that she thought herself able to change into anything other than a Bugrom Queen! I think there may be some significant danger that in the future, her association with Jinnai may prompt him to urge Haruhi to play with her abilities more and more, to push her limits and figure out what she can REALLY do. That may well be beyond the scope of this fanfiction, however. Perhaps, though, Haruhi's gradual introduction to her godlike powers will be the great breakthrough that Yuki and Itsuki mentioned way back in Chapter Two!

59

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 27, 2009, 11:59:56 am »

I'm sorry if my review of Chapter 17 upset you a bit. I had no idea that it was one that you were so proud of. Unfortunately, while I might have been able to be a little more tactful about it, I gotta call 'em as I see 'em.

Remember, though, that just because it didn't push my buttons in the way that you hoped doesn' t mean that the chapter is wrong or bad - just that I, personally, had trouble with it. Unless you know me extraordinarily well (and we haven't been communicating long enough for that to be possible), you're not going to be able to please me all the time. And that's perfectly okay.

That said, I wanted to respond to a couple of your counter arguments.

First off, the club you pictured is actually known as a "Nightstick", not a "Knife stick". An easy mistake to make if you've never actually read the term, but only heard it on television. Here's a Wiki article on the weapon. There are many different varieties, but if you scroll about halfway down the Wiki page, you'll see a picture of the tonfa-style nightsticks you probably had in mind. Now that I know what weapon you had in mind, the scene seems a lot less silly. Yes, a nightstick would be an effective counter against Kyon.

As for the Ranma thing, perhaps I didn't explain my discomfort carefully enough. It might just be me, but in a story that already embraces the crossover concept, if we see a famous name pop up attached to a character that resembles the original holder of the name, then I smile and acknowledge the character. If the character does NOT resemble the original, then I want to know why - and with no explanation provided, I'm left confused and a bit irritated.

I acknowledge that there are many possible explanations as to why this Ranma Saotome is a bully. The original's actions certainly could SEEM like those of a bully at times - Ranma's "bullying" is pretty much Ryoga's whole motivation for following him, even if Ranma himself had no idea he was being a bully. (He was similarly "mean" to Ukyou, though she somehow made friends with him anyway.) Another explanation could be that this Ranma Saotome is just some poor guy whose sadistic parents named him after a manga character - it wouldn't be surprising if someone like that was picked on to the point where he became a bully in retaliation.

My beef is that none of these explanations are provided. Only by talking with you personally, here on the forums, do I know that you pretty much just pulled the name out of a hat and assigned it to a random throwaway character. A random reader, assuming they have the same sort of mindset as myself, is going to wonder why you chose that name, and whether you were taking a mean-spirited shot at the original by attaching his name to a bully.

I understand your motivations behind adding homage names like this. I just want to make you aware that doing it seemingly at random like this might not have the effect you intended. Nanoha Inverse worked, in part because the split name made it abundantly clear that this Nanoha was different, and in part because you greatly developed her backstory. Megraton worked, because he retained the aggressiveness and paranoia of the original character.

As for Yuki... I understand that she has great power, and that it might have been her turn to win. My concern is that by rendering her still able to use an ability like Time Stop (you say that's an actually canon ability from TMoSH? I'm only passingly familiar with Haruhi canon beyond the first anime season and the first novel) it brings several uncomfortable things into question.

First off, why didn't she use it before? If she'd used Time Stop, she would have been able to cleanly take out Haruhi when she was sent to assassinate her. This, obviously, wouldn't fit too well with Galus's plans, but there was no indication in your story that Galus wanted her to hold back. This ability would also have been extremely useful the first time Haruhi attacked our heroes in Chapter 7 (though there, at least, Yuki's orders were apparently only to "intercept" not to kill).

There's plenty of possible explanations, to be sure. In the case of Haruhi, maybe Galus explicitly ordered her not to use Time Stop. Or, perhaps even more likely, Yuki consciously chose not to show off her more powerful abilities, knowing that Galus (whom she doesn't much like) would force her to use them explicitly if he knew she was capable of such power. Of course, if he didn't know before, then he knows now.

The main thrust I'm getting at is that you've put yourself in the awkward position now of convincing your readers that Yuki can't just stop time and kill anyone in the world whenever she (or, rather, Galus) wants to. And why she never used it before. These are questions your readers WILL have in mind while reading your fanfic, and if they're never properly addressed it could leave many with an unsatisfied feeling. You told ME that using Time Stop might drain Yuki to the point where she's unable to further fight. You did not tell the readers. Even if you did, though, consider that apparently she still has enough in her to Data Drain - so why not use that energy to walk up to a target and snap his or her neck like a twig? Anyway, enough on that - I'm sure you understand my words of caution by now. Don't give a power to a character unless you're prepared not only to tell the audience why she uses it, but also why she DOESN'T use it. (As my bank robber example indicated, many comic book authors are TERRIBLE at this.)

Lastly, I wanted to apologize for not addressing the Haruhi/Fatora scene. I guess I didn't want to let you down even further, since I knew you probably wrote that scene with me in mind. Since you asked directly, though, I was pretty ho-hum about it. I felt that Haruhi was entirely too flustered by Fatora's proposal. Haruhi's a girl who's used to the unconventional - YEARNS for the unconventional, in fact. I'd think that she'd find Fatora's offer to be interesting (even if she didn't want to partake) rather than embarrassing. Even more importantly, Haruhi's an extraordinarily dominant personality, much like Fatora herself is. It was a bit disheartening to see her so meek in her refusal.

Her reactions to Fatora can make sense, of course. It more or less fits with Haruhi's desperate desire to make peace - since Fatora's one of the folks she has to convince, it makes sense that she'd be a bit careful in letting Fatora down easy. She's chosen diplomacy and debate as tools for convincing the alliance because the situation is so serious (old, non-serious Haruhi would have chosen tools like intimidation and blackmail to get her way ).

Even so, the scene did not come off as funny as I'd hoped. I think, perhaps, it was not the right place or time to put this scene. Both Haruhi and Fatora had their usual personalities severely curbed by the situation. Had she not been trying to negotiate peace, Haruhi would have been less meek. Had she not been dealing with a powerful noble with her sister sitting right beside her, Fatora wouldn't have taken "no" so easily for an answer. With both characters held back in this way, the comedy was severely hamstrung, in my opinion.

Anyway, I hope all this serves as constructive conversation, rather than just bringing you further down. The video, by the way, was cute. "Bunny demon" indeed...

60

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 26, 2009, 10:47:33 am »

Chapter 17...

This one started off a little bit weak. While Nanami's amazement of the progress Haruhi has made with her brother was interesting in chapter 15, seeing it again here seemed like it might be rehashing it a bit too much.

I was also a bit befuddled at the inclusion of Ranma Saotome as the identity of Nanami's childhood tormentor. Her description of the bully doesn't seem to match the personality of the original Ranma very closely. While I don't place Ranma on the glorious pedestal some fanfiction authors do, there's definitely certain depths he won't step to. He's more inclined to beat up bullies than be a bully himself, and the only girl he ever (deliberately) picks on is Akane - and his reasons for picking on her are pretty complicated.

So, the way that it comes across is that you created a character, and then just slapped on a popular character's name for the heck of it. That's not very good practice; if you're going to include an obvious cameo name, it ought to at least slightly match the character.

To be honest, I had the same beef with Nanoha when she was first introduced as a heartless assassin; it's like you were just assigning a popular name for no good reason. Eventually Nanoha developed a bit and became a character that resembled her cameo source to a degree, so it wasn't so bad.

If you're going to cameo a character's name, you really ought to include a bit of of the character's CHARACTER as well. Otherwise, as in my case, the reader will become confused.

In this particular case, if you were going to create a bully character, and you really wanted to plug Ranma 1/2, you might have wanted to consider using a Ranma character that actually IS a bully - Pantyhose Tarou, for instance (though he's a little bit of an obscure character).

Anyway, that's five paragraphs devoted to one little throwaway chunk of the story, so I'll move on.

I was slightly disappointed with the Jinnai/Groucho scene. I assume this is the heart-to-heart you mentioned as a potential scene? It seemed more like Groucho talking at Jinnai and him railing at the world and wrestling with his own inner turmoil. To be honest, I'm not sure exactly what I was expecting from this scene - and it may be far more appropriate that Jinnai be able to work things through on his own than have a heart-to-heart anyway. Meh, I don't know what I'm saying; it's just a bit off, somehow. (Gawd, that's the most useless kind of criticism!)

I was a bit lukewarm when you originally presented the idea of doing the peace summit on-screen, but this section actually turned out to be pretty entertaining. You did a pretty good job of creating interesting leaders to share their viewpoints. (I also chuckled a bit at the inclusion of "Megraton of Cyberia" as an aggressive and vengeful ruler; it was a cute cameo, and much more appropriate than the Ranma Saotome one.)

(Oh, as a bit of a nitpick, the onset of the meeting seemed to indicate that Rune and Fatora were the only females present. In the summit that occurred during the first episode of the OAV, though, there was at least one other female leader that I can recall; there may have been more, as well.)

Then, the terrorist incursion. I rolled my eyes a bit when one of the terrorist's whipped out a "wooden knife stick" to counter Kyon's magnetic powers. It just sounds so silly. I think a bit of research here might have been in order to pick an ACTUAL non-metal weapon. Or even just not to have mentioned the special traits of the weapon at all. Something like this, perhaps:

"Duke!" shouted the leader of the Black Knights of Zala to one of his men, "Take out the alien magnet man! Use your knife!"

A knife? Hah, how is that any better than a bullet? One of the Black Knights that had previously been trying to kill Haruhi leapt towards me, holding a blade in his hands. When I tried to stop him, I suddenly realized his plan - the knife was made of glass! And he was about to strike me down with it! It took all of my concentration to simply hold back the guns and gunfire of the Black Knights... I was in no position to defend myself in close quarters combat on top of that. Thankfully, I didn't need to...

I also took a page from Niel Stephenson's "Snow Crash" and made the knife from glass rather than wood; it's hard to imagine a slashing weapon made from wood being all that terribly effective. Of course, a glass knife would be harder to set on fire. Perhaps a wooden spear would be a better choice of weapon, or even a club. A "wooden knife stick" is honestly kind of hard to even picture. I kept imagining that the guy pulled out an ordinary twig that had had the end shaved to a point for roasting marshmallows.

Then, Yuki appears and Haruhi transforms into Ifurita to fight her! And... gets utterly schooled before she can even make a move. Yuki seems to be pretty scarily powerful. If Galus know's Yuki is capable of this kind of thing, why doesn't he just have her slaughter all the good guys except for Haruhi? I honestly can't see any way that his plans can be anything but helped by the elimination of our heroes, and the summit leaders for good measure. This kind of thing is a bit troublesome in comic books, as well; the authors give the villians AMAZING powers that they could use to do pretty much whatever they want - and then send them off to rob a bank.

Hopefully you have some reason in mind as to why Galus is holding back. And hopefully that reason goes beyond merely wanting to have the heroes broken at his feet so he can gloat at them.

Anyway, all in all I'm afraid I have to say this chapter was a bit weaker than many of the ones you've done, especially when compared to the entertaining previous chapter. Still, the plot rolls on. I look forward to seeing what you have in mind now that Galus is luring our heroes (and possibly Jinnai, as well?) into his trap!