16

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Sequel Sample

« on: July 31, 2009, 10:31:55 pm »

I pretty much agree with Spanner here. It's cute and funny, and Haruhi's impersonation of "villainous" Jinnai was hilarious. Nanami tapping into her entrepreneurial spirit to capitalize on SOS Man is also an amusing and in-character idea. By itself this scene feels like it should be part of something more, though, and if you do decide to use it as a launching point for a sequel I'd recommend adding additional content (maybe updates on other important cast members?) before turning it into a prologue or a chapter. I'm also not entirely convinced that Jinnai would be okay with his SOS Man persona getting all the glory and hero worship since he's quite egotistical, but I suppose he could be humoring Haruhi for now and her belief that superheroes should keep their alter egos secret from the public. I don't know what goal you are attempting to reach so I don't know how well this sample serves as set-up, but the writing feels stronger than the impression I remember receiving of it from the beginning of the prequel and it's an entertaining start.  

17

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 19, 2009, 08:13:08 pm »

Sorry about that. I didn't intend to come across so harshly, and rereading my post I do sound more condescending than I expected. What I meant by decent is that your writing is on par with what I expect from fan fiction I'm willing to read. It's not great, it's not bad, but it gets the job done with some particularly good spots here and there and it's definitely better than "barely passing" as you put it. And I do like your dialogue. It's one of the story's greatest strengths. The descriptive writing, on the other hand, isn't as good in my opinion and parts of your writing style came across as somewhat rough to me, which is why the overall mark is more mixed.

As for why my story review seems less enthusiastic than my chapter reviews, I tried (perhaps too hard) to step back, dampen my excitement, and focus more on technical merits.  And when I attempt to be seriously analytical, I often come across as restrained and understated because I'm using a higher standard.  Personally, I think this is a pretty good story and you did a good job telling it.  It's not on my top 10 list, but I enjoyed reading it and it has some notably creative ideas.  My critical feedback was meant to be constructive, and if I focused  more on the negatives than on the positives in my last post it's because I've already largely told you what I liked in the chapter reviews and didn't see the need to repeat myself.    

18

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 19, 2009, 11:42:34 am »

All of our disagreements aside, I now have a good read of what you like - for conclusions, at least, it seems that you prefer the neat and tidy cohesive approach with out any big plot twists at the end. If Spanner shares that sentiment, it'll give me a good idea of how to write any future El Hazard fanfic conclusions.

Heh, I'm actually somewhat erratic when it comes to my tastes in endings. I really liked OVA1's ending and how it brought everything "full circle" so to speak, but I also enjoyed the endings for the Big O and Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series, both of which raised more questions than they answered. In the case of this story here, the conclusion with Haruki felt flat to me for the reasons Spanner explained more coherently than I did in my previous post.

Characterization

Moderately good to very good. There were moments with Kyon, Nanami, and others where they felt off either in word choice or deed, but you treated the entire cast with respect and didn't demonize or caricature which happens disappointingly often in fan fiction. You also had some marvelous insights into Haruhi and Jinnai's characters.

Basic Enjoyment/Fun Factor

It was entertaining enough for me to read it through from start to finish, and you articulated some pretty interesting ideas and concepts. Certain issues I had with the story structure and characters prevent me from wholehearted excited over the tale, but it reminded me of why I am such a fan of El-Hazard and was a fun adventure to follow.

Plot Believability

The plot itself is fairly plausible, especially because investigating a rumor of missing students at Shinonome is exactly the kind of thing Haruhi would do and from there a trip to El-Hazard is virtually inevitable for Kyon, Koizumi, Yuki, and Mikuru. My criticism here is more with the believable execution OF the plot rather than the plot itself. As I've mentioned before, some of this story felt gimmicky and there were moments where it seemed the story was driving the characters more than the characters driving the story and in a manner that felt forced and artificial.

General Writing Quality

Decent. You know how to use proper grammar and spelling and create effective sentences, which is very important. Your writing style also conveyed the fun and exciting nature of your story which is a commendable accomplishment because it can be a sad thing when a good story is marred beyond enjoyment by poor writing. However, I also feel that your story was much stronger than the writing, and your occasional repetitive use of words and choice of words had me scratching my head at times. So...you have the basics down but there's still room for improvement.

OVERALL

1. Probably either Jinnai or Haruhi. You really seemed to have their characters and mannerisms down quite well.

2. Ura!
Heh, more seriously, I'd probably say Nanami in the beginning for the same reasons Spanner has adumbrated.

3. If I had to choose a favorite scene, it would probably be when Haruhi, Mikuru, and Kyon were all reunited in Florestica. You did a great job with those characters and their friendship there and really showed Kyon at his best and most understanding.

4. My least favorite scene might have been when the Priestesses, Makoto, and other heroes stormed Galus's base. Between the Phantom Scope and the other issues I had with the encounter, I felt it wasn't handled well.

5.
Prequel - My thoughts on this is why bother? The outcome is largely the same whether you write it or not and rewriting both El-Hazard: The Magnificent World and The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi with new characters could be a massive and difficult project.

Sequel Option 1 - As you might have guessed, I'm a bigger fan of Jinnai and Haruhi than I am of their alternate personas. I found SOS Man and Bugwoman amusing in this tale because they were complements rather than the center of attention, and an entire comic book themed story starring these two doesn't excite me much. However, you are also much fonder of the comic book style in this setting than I am so if this is what you feel passionate about writing go ahead. I would say it might work better as a one-shot than another 20 chapter story though.

Sequel Option 2 - Sounds like it could be entertaining, though again I feel it might work better as a one-shot or shorter multi-chapter story than another lengthy tale like this.

Sequel Option 3 - I agree with Spanner on this. Depending on what ideas you have, you could do a fair amount here. And even if Haruhi and Jinnai aren't interested in returning to Earth, I imagine Kyon is (even if he isn't concerned about his little sister, he probably at the very least wants to let her know that he's fine. He wouldn't be a very good big brother if he wasn't even slightly worried what effect his long term absence might have on her). And you could try to do a split feature, with Kyon and Nanoha on one hand and Haruhi and Jinnai on the other having their seemingly separate adventures on Earth and El-Hazard that somehow tie into each other in the end. I also see more obvious opportunities to focus on the extended cast rather than a few key characters in this proposal.

Sequel Option 4 - Again, I think this would work better as a humorous one-short or shorter multi-chapter story. The idea is kind of cute and has a lot of potential for fun, but I'm not really sure what else it would bring to the tale and the fine line between a homage to Lyrical Nanoha in the El-Hazard setting and a pseudo-crossover could be hard to walk.    

Tangent - The potential issue with this one is the extensive use of original characters. Original characters in main character roles pose unique challenges, particularly in terms of capturing reader interest. In my own case, I liked your portrayal of Haruki but I'm not sure how keen I'd be to read an entire story starring him. If you want to continue to use him, he might work better in a supporting role in one of your other sequel/prequel concepts.

These are just my opinions, though, and you've surprised me before so I could be quite wrong in my speculation.

Anyway, once again thanks for sharing and sticking with this. It's better than a lot of fan fiction that I've read and was, overall, fairly enjoyable.  

19

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 14, 2009, 08:48:37 pm »

First, let me congratulate you on seeing this through to the end.  Completing a story of this length and quality (and in this amount of time too) is an accomplishment you can be proud of.  And, overall, I enjoyed the final chapter and felt it was consistent with what came before it.  I'll answer the questions you listed more specifically later this week or this weekend and focus on the update itself for now.

The confrontation on the rooftop was well written and probably one of the story's best fights, at least equal to or better than Yuki vs. Mikuru.  Jinnai's memory-fueled adrenaline rush and Haruhi's recollection-filled encouragements were well-timed and gave the battle a pleasing sense of emotional depth, and Galus was appropriately vicious and menacing here.  I do feel that it was a bit overly comic book-y at moments, but I've mentioned that before and it's likely more a matter of different tastes between us than anything wrong with the story itself.  I also really liked the scene with the cheering Bugrom at the end, and I found Jinnai's line at Makoto's "interruption" very amusing.

Nice work with Makoto, Kyon, and Nanoha here too.  There was nothing really unpredictable about the trio, but it was entertaining to see Kyon play the optimist to Makoto's pessimist in against type but believable portrayals.  And Kyon got the girl too which was nice. :)

The peace treaty signing was entertaining, and I particularly liked Jinnai's goading of Megraton.  The allusions to Transformers made the dialogue quite amusing.  The bit with Fatora was fun too.

As for the deus ex machine at the end...I'm kind of split on it.  I liked your physical description of Haruki and the combination of Jinnai's mannerisms with Haruhi's excitement came across well, and his inclusion does wrap the story up and explain what set the metaphorical wheel spinning...but on the other hand Haruki came pretty much out of the blue.  To make a comparison with OVA1 and Ifurita, although the audience didn't know who she was at the beginning they did know that she was responsible for putting the chain of events in motion.  When the OVA ended with Ifurita sent to Earth and reuniting with Makoto there was a beautiful sense of symmetry as everything came full circle and completed itself.  With your ending, because there was no foreshadowing at all that I can remember (other than Koizumi knowing more than he should, of course, but that's typical for Koizumi *g*) the same sense is missing and Haruki partially comes across as a contrived plot device.  Had you included some mention of the "bizarre stranger who came out of nowhere and flashed the SoSBrigade with lights" in Kyon's narrative at some point in the story his sudden introduction might not have felt so abrupt, but as is it feels overly convenient.  Your use of him to explain away other "inconsistencies" exacerbated the issue too.

Still, all in all a fun chapter and a good story.  Thanks for sharing, and I'll try to go into more detail on some other points later.    

20

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 08, 2009, 07:50:02 pm »

And Chapter 19 makes for quite the pleasant update.  You answered several of the issues I raised earlier and continued what I liked about Chapter 18 while shedding a lot of what I felt were weaknesses.  Makoto, Koizumi, and Kyon's encounter with Yuki was compelling, and the scene "inside" Yuki's head made for quite the amusing contrast between the totally composed, in-charge alien and the unsettled Makoto.  It was also nice to see Nanoha return.  As Spanner mentioned, her arriving in the nick of time to save the day was kind of predictable but I still wasn't _entirely_ certain, and you put the trope to good effect.  I also liked how you had the three earthlings play dead to deceive Galus rather than charge in heroically.  It suits their and Yuki's more rational, thoughtful personalities.

Jinnai and the Bugrom assault were the big highlights of this chapter, though, and they didn't disappoint.  From the Bugrom blitzkrieg of the Phantom Tribe base to Jinnai's dramatic entrance it was thoroughly entertaining.  Good use of the "Was it a bird?  Was it a plane?" bit too.  That brought a smile to my face.  And Galus's failure to take a possible counterattack by the Bugrom into consideration doesn't bother me much since he seemed pretty confident that, even if the Bugrom did attack, they'd never penetrate his headquarters' shields.

I can't say quite the same thing about Galus's offer to Afura Mann's group, though.  For someone who supposedly hates humans it seems a bit odd to me that he'd be willing to let them join him just because he's impressed by their strength, especially since some of these humans played critical roles in his prior defeat in the OVA series.  And assuming he was successful in obtaining Haruhi's powers, Galus could probably just remake them and FORCE them to serve him as he saw fit anyway.  Still, there's nothing wrong with a villain making such a proposal if for no other reason than to try to sow doubts in the protagonists' minds.

There was also a rather strong comic-book feel to this chapter between Galus and Jinnai.  It's fitting in a way since that's apparently how Haruhi wants to view Jinnai, and what she wants she often gets even though she doesn't always realize it *coughs*aliens-espers-and-time-travelers*coughs*.  It felt surprisingly natural and hilarious in Jinnai's case which is a testament to how you've developed him in this story, but with Galus I still have a hard time picturing him as a pseudo-comic book villain.  Both of his back-up plans (sabotaging Yuki and blowing up the base - I really liked Fujisawa's remark about the latter, by the way) were welcome and intelligent inclusions, but the convenient getaway copter on the roof and Spiderman-style webbing struck me as slightly...off, I suppose the word is.  It made me picture something more along the lines of "Batman the Animated Series" or one of Spiderman's cartoon series rather than El-Hazard.  Regardless, the scene with Jinnai, Groucho, Haruhi, Nahato, and Galus was still a lot of fun to read, and you have me looking forward to seeing what happens next.  You might want to offer some reason why Galus, after easily dispatching Haruhi and Grouchi, doesn't also encase Jinnai in webbing to avoid the "Aha! I'm an incredibly powerful villain with nifty powers that I don't actually use when the chips are down!" cliché, though.  And, as useful as his new cybernetic abilities are, Galus is still an illusionist so I'd be surprised if he doesn't use that power too at some point.

Anyway, thanks for sharing.

21

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 03, 2009, 06:43:03 pm »

And so, Chapter 18 and another step closer to the finale.  There was some good, some bad, and a fair amount of entertainment in this update, and I'll start this review with the former.  First, good job with Galus' dialogue and your choice of accented words.  It's been long enough since I last watched the OVA series that I don't remember if this is how he talks and earlier in the story all the idioms came across as slightly strange to me, but they've grown on me and his speech patterns really conveyed a sense of menace here.

I also really liked Jinnai's scene where he rallied the Bugrom and departed in his rescue attempt.  Groucho's ploy to get through to his master worked a bit quicker than I would have initially expected, but Jinnai isn't the type of person to hesitate when a decision needs to be made and you conveyed his sheer disgust at having to make such a promise quite well.  His distaste at the tentative peace agreement with the Alliance also felt like a nice in-character touch, and his speech was simultaneously amusing and rousing.  You have me genuinely interested in seeing how his devious mind copes with whatever defenses Galus has available.

Koizumi's anticipation of Galus's tactics was interesting and added a more cerebral element to this encounter, though I am slightly puzzled how Koizumi knew the Phantom Tribe had installed neural inhibiters in Yuki's head.  If you mentioned it earlier I apologize, but it seems like a bit of a gamble on Itsuki's part to create a strategy based around an assumption.  You might want to emphasize a less specific goal here, such as Makoto going for the head instead of the key staff in an effort to either free her in a more roundabout, less predictable way or force communication between Yuki and the Integrated Data Entity and discovering the neural inhibitors during the ensuing link.  Does Makoto's targeting of the neural inhibitors also mean that he's been told about Yuki's alien status now, by the way?

Kyon had some entertaining bits of narrative, and I particularly liked his "Damn" at the end of his account of the triple agent.  With so much going on in the previous chapter his sarcasm came across as a bit understated to me, and I'm glad to see it returning.

As for the bad, the Phantom Scope seems like something of a gimmick to me.  I picture Dr. Schtalubaugh as more of the scholar-scientist type rather than a geneticist, and I don't remember him every displaying such proficiency with creating what appears to be a complex technological device.  And Nanami's power is to see through Phantom Tribe illusions, not detect members of the Phantom Tribe, so the Scope's contrasting radar ability seems even odder to me.  Even assuming Dr. Schtalubaugh can create such a device using a sample of Nanami's DNA, though, if the party of would-be rescuers split into two groups why would one group (Afura's) take both the Scope AND Nanami?  That leaves Makoto, Kyon, and Koizumi defenseless against any Phantom Tribers they come across, and a really good illusionist such as Nahato could probably have taken them out even before they reached Yuki.  Otherwise the members of the two parties made sense, but I'd really try to do something about this apparent oversight in logic.

Galus's method of dealing with Afura's party also REALLY felt like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon.  That's not necessarily a bad thing since it was effective (though I'm left wondering why Afura didn't take to the air and fly the moment she felt the floor slide out from under her), but between the trap door and subsequent "put them in chains and bring them to my throne room" that's the image I formed and recalling the likes of Shredder and Dr. Claw breaks the tension somewhat.  I think one way of handling this might be to emphasize its cartoony character through Kyon's biting sarcasm and hammering in the point that despite how silly it appears it worked and everyone's in greater danger now.

You also have me wondering a bit about what exactly Galus's plan is.  When it was revealed that he basically intended to have the protagonists walk into a death trap in the last chapter, I assumed his goal was to kill all of them while Haruhi watched and drive her to such anger and despair that she destroys the world.  Now he seems to have changed his mind and is more interested in capturing Haruhi's power rather than obliterating El-Hazard...or is he pursuing both and keeping the rescuers alive so he can murder them later if the Phantom Tribe's science proves incapable of copying/transferring their prisoner's powers?  I'm confused on this point.

Otherwise, the chapter's all right.  Not one of my favorites, but it moved the story along and featured some compelling developments.  With so many people in one place, though, a lot of the secondary characters felt understated to me.  I think one of your bigger challenges is going to be doing justice to such a huge and dynamic cast now that most of them are all assembled (or are assembling) together in one place.  Anyway, good luck with your writing and thanks for sharing.

22

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: July 01, 2009, 05:56:52 pm »

Edit reply for Rowan:

No problem on the late review. I'm Canadian, and so July 4th isn't a big holiday for me personally, but... if I can have this fanfic finished by July 3rd, would that be soon enough for you to read and review it all, or would you rather me hold off the final chapter until, say, July 6th?

Take however long you want. Being something of a slow writer and procrastinator myself I'd recommend the later date to give yourself more time, but so far you've maintained a highly impressive pace and an earlier deadline could be good for you. It's your call.

Three special questions for both Spanner and Rowan...

1) Did you like the Alielle/Fatora dialogue in Chapter 17? Basically, do you think I'm still writing them well?

Yes, definitely. You've done a great job articulating their lascivious, comedic roles.

2) Having had about 16 chapters of bugrom dialogue, how do you feel about it now? Do you like the personality that I've given Groucho, for example? Truthfully, my Groucho is highly inspired by 80s/early 90s western cartoons. I even tried to give him just a touch of Optimus Prime.

It didn't bother me as much as I thought it would, and so far you've done a fair job with it. With a few exceptions their dialogue has been relatively bland, but considering they're an insect race with a queen that makes sense because I wouldn't expect many Bugrom to have strikingly stand-out personalities other than those who've been around Jinnai for the longest. And your Groucho's fine. It's different from my interpretation but well within his "Jinnai's friend who's also a genuinely nice guy" depiction.

3) Pertaining to the climax, I'm weighing three options...

  1) Cheesy and over-the-top, but hopefully really fun

  2) Very intense, a bit dark, but you'll probably have to suspend disbelief a bit.

  3) Most of the fun of 1 with less cheese, the intensity of 2 with less darkness, but more plot devicey than 1 or 2 ( not requiring suspension of disbelief, just plot devicey).

Any preference between the 3?

Based solely on the options, I'd probably go for 1 or 3. However, while suspending disbelief can be something of a distraction, depending on what exactly you have planned an intense, slightly dark climax could also be the best choice. And as has been said, Haruhi's something of a built-in deus ex machina anyway. This is your story so write the ending you think is best.

23

El-Hazard Online / Re: Shaylapie

« on: June 28, 2009, 01:09:15 pm »

Very nice. I've watched so many YouTube videos that I'd almost forgotten what a high-quality AMV looked like, and this was quite the beautiful reminder. Just watching it made me want to find a copy of the Wanderers and go through it again to find all the Shayla scenes I'd forgotten about that were in this video. Strong timing with the animation and lyrics too, by the way. Thanks for sharing.

24

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 28, 2009, 01:06:02 pm »

Special Notes: I've created a heck of a lot of El Hazard nations out of thin air, since the only ones I know of are Roshtaria, Gannan, and Durasland (and three nations just doesn't seem like enough to me). If, however, there are actual canon El Hazard nations that I'm forgetting, I'll gladly put them in place in some of the fanfic nation names I'll come up with. So, I'm all ears there!

Well, I arranged the place names mentioned in the OVAs, TV series, and videogame on the El-Hazard map shown in OVA1 a number of years ago, and although I've since forgotten in what context many of the following appellations were used I think they're either human countries or cities.  Considering most of these were probably one-time references, though, their inclusion isn't terribly important because they're not really well-known.  And you could always argue that most of them are actually cities or dependencies consolidated under the leadership of the rulers shown in this new chapter, anyway.  
Roshtaria
Balta Hill (destroyed by Ifurita, I think)
Geynos
Gannon
Laide
Doros Land
Kobisho
Baron
Duchy of Paralia
Beansland
Ogresio
El Dolash

Anyway, apologies for taking so long to review this chapter.  I've been busy this past week and by the looks of it I could be pretty busy this next week too (with July 4 coming up and all) so I'm not sure if I'll be able to keep up with your commendably fast updating pace.  I'll definitely try, though, and I'm looking forward to seeing how this story turns out now that the final act has dawned.

At any rate, since Spanner already lucidly touched upon cameos and villainous powers I'll try to stick to different matters to avoid repetition, with the exception that I think you took the right approach with your Megatron "cameo."  As Spanner said, it was clearly a different character but with enough overt similarities that the allusion made sense and I could smile and chuckle at it.  

I also applaud your reuse of previously mentioned elements in this chapter.  I didn't expect to see the Bugrom Manual or actual Zala adherents appear, but their inclusions here is a pleasant act of using what you've already created to move the story forward and helps strengthen the cohesiveness of the tale as a whole.  And as you had Galus point out, it's appreciably ironic that the Black Knights of Zala would inadvertently serve the Phantom Tribe's ends.  It is a little surprising to me that they would be able to gain entrance to such a high-profile meeting, but then again considering how easily Jinnai and TV Ifurita infiltrated Baron and that Alliance summit it doesn't sound too farfetched in comparison.  If you go back and edit, however, disclosing that one of Londs' guards was a Zala agent could further help explain how Florestica's defenders were so easily overtaken.  

Mikuru the Cabaret Dancer was an amusing mental image, and I'm relieved that Fatora was relatively...mild in her treatment of the time-traveler.  I guess wanting to impress Haruhi saved Mikuru from Fatora and Alliele's more aggressive tendencies. The rest of that scene was entertaining though, as both you and Spanner mentioned, somewhat restrained in feeling.  I liked Haruhi's talk with Nanami and your efforts to explain how Jinnai's psyche began to become so warped too, but I think your best scene was probably the peace conference.  There were a lot of interesting interactions between personalities there, and it was an intelligent way to stress out Haruhi again and set her up for the Phantom Tribe's plans.  And yes, Yuki's entrance was quite impressive.

The Groucho and Jinnai scene came across as flat to me, though.  I like those two characters and I can understand that you're trying to show how torn Jinnai is, but you could probably accomplish the same with one of Kyon's first-person narratives when you do cover their actual heart-to-heart in the next chapter.  I'm also a little uneasy with the thought of Haruhi gaining the powers of another person when she assumes their facsimile.  It makes sense that she'd be able to understand Bugrom when in Bugrom Queen form since that seems to be a biological ability innate to that Bugrom-type, but when Demon Gods start to enter the picture...well, they're androids, for starters.  Being able to turn organic cells into other organic cells is one thing, but going from organics to technology and back?  That places very few limits on her potential powers, and I think a more limited shapeshifting would work better a la Mystique or Morph from Marvel Comics.  That's just my opinion, however, and arguing for restraint when a character unknowingly has the powers of a god does sound odd.

Anyway, please keep up the entertaining work.  It should be interesting to see how Galus's scheme unfolds from here now that his plans are coming to fruition.  

P.S. Other than the question of whether French names are appropriate for El-Hazard humans, Pierre Chamberlain sounds fine to me.  

P.P.S. How is the second season of Haruhi, by the way?  I heard that the new episodes are being rebroadcast mixed up with the first season episodes, but I haven't started watching them yet.

25

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 24, 2009, 08:19:30 pm »

2) Would you prefer decompressed story-telling or compressed story-telling the rest of the way? The following scenes are on the bubble, so to speak, depending on your answer...

- A scene in which almost all of the protagonists talk amongst themselves about the Haruhi/Jinnai relationship/situation and how it impacts on the broader Alliance/Bugrom situation.

- A poignant Jinnai/Groucho scene that will take place AFTER the big confrontation between Haruhi and Jinnai.

- A Fatora/Haruhi comedy scene

- The length and size and style of the Haruhi/Rune Venus/Fatora peace negotiation

Which of the above would you like for me to keep, and which are you willing to shed in order to get a quicker resolution (unless you're fine with six more chapters of course)?

I essentially agree with Spanner on this matter.  All of these scenes could be worth including depending on how they fit into the larger story and, conversely, could be extraneous subject to their handling.  Include as many or as few as you think the story calls for and you feel like writing.

As for my thoughts on the prospective scenes themselves, you've already touched upon some of the reactions to Haruhi and Jinnai's relationship, at least among the characters it affects the most (i.e. Kyon, Nanami, and Makoto), so an entire scene dedicated to covering what the rest of the massive cast thinks about it could be a bit superfluous.  Even if there's some new dynamic or development the scene would introduce, using Kyon's narrative to recap a condensed version could be more effective.  On the other hand, it's an opportunity to showcase some of the less prominent characters in this story and could be a strong segue-way into the rest of a chapter.

Depending on how you want to bring Jinnai back into the story, a poignant scene between him and Groucho could be useful.  Groucho probably knows Jinnai better than anyone and might be able to frame current circumstances in a way that'll sway him to Haruhi's point of view or, at the very least, act as the sounding board Jinnai needs to realize that Haruhi's likely walking into another trap.  After all, if he was hoping to strike a serious blow against the Alliance a peace summit would be too good an opportunity to pass up (a la Wanderers), and assuming he knows now that the Phantom Tribe was behind the earlier assassination attempt on Haruhi...well, Jinnai's devious and intelligent enough to figure out what'll probably happen.

The Fatora/Haruhi comedy scene...it sounds promising, but it might fit in better after the climax.  It sounds like you're already going to have a lot going on with the negotiations, and while Fatora might be irresponsible enough to gallivant around when serious diplomacy is called for this is one of those occasions I can see Rune being firm to ensure that a peace treaty isn't sidetracked.

As for the negotiation itself, showcasing it directly has plusses and minuses.  Doing it justice could require massive amounts of dialogue and potentially a host of original characters to serve as nobles/diplomats, but on the other hand the subject matter isn't necessarily uninteresting and it might be compelling to see Haruhi defend the Bugrom Empire and Jinnai (and attempt to explain that the second invasion of Gannon was a "misunderstanding" ).  Alternatively, this might be a good spot to showcase the supporting cast and their opinions on recent developments while the negotiations go on in the background.

Anyway, onto the feedback for the chapters.  Spanner already covered most of the main points for Chapter 15, so I'll simply repeat that the analogy you made here between Haruhi and Jinnai's desires to reshape the world was very striking.  Those two really do have more in common than one might think at first glance.  Kyon's rationality and evenhandedness even when he had practically every reason to be upset with Haruhi also struck me as a nice and believable reaction on his part, and his willingness to put the important details aside and simply take a few moments to celebrate being reunited with friends was touching.  And, as Spanner said, Makoto's quick-to-forgive-and-trust approach to Haruhi seemed very in-character for him.  I enjoyed reading Nanami's conversation with the new Bugrom Queen too.  Your depiction of her has improved, in my opinion.  My only nitpick here is the use of the name Winston de Gaulle for a Bugrom human collaborator.  I understand that it's ironic, but considering the roles the real Winston Churchill and Charles de Gaulle played in history it also seems almost...disrespectful to me.

Regardless, Chapter 16 was another good update.  Jinnai and Haruhi's conversation revealed several salient insights into the minds and personas of both characters, the two that perhaps stood out the most to me being just how appallingly similar some of Haruhi's past actions are to Jinnai's mindset and Jinnai's compulsive need to one-up Makoto, even if it's by becoming the villain to his hero.  I'm not entirely certain if OVA Jinnai would outright call himself evil or the villain, though.  While Wanderers Jinnai (and Diva too, for that matter) enjoy playing the parts of evil overlord and grand villainy, OVA Jinnai struck me more as...well, arrogant and delusional enough that he truly believes he is the destined Messenger of God and fated to conquer El-Hazard rather than viewing himself as a criminal evildoer.  Then again, a Wanderers-type interpretation of his OVA-self is also quite feasible, and in some ways you've combined the best of the two worlds in this story.  The dialogue here was certainly quite compelling for the most part, and it's a positive testament that the dearth of action didn't bore me at all.

I think you also made a good choice in closing the chapter with another Phantom Tribe scene.  After the defeat of their seeming "master plan" earlier I was wondering how they'd remain the central antagonists, and it's reassuringly ominous that they appear to have a final gambit prepared (kind of like how they sabotaged the Eye of God in OVA1 so even if their own attempt to use it didn't work the world would still be in peril).  Galus and Nahato also both came across as less bland to me, though that might be a result of their schemes starting to reach fruition.  Either way, you have me both looking forward to seeing what they have planned and what's next for the protagonists.  Thanks for sharing.        

26

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 20, 2009, 03:51:41 pm »

Hm...I'm not sure what exactly it is about this chapter, but I feel like it's one of your best thus far.  It might just be my ego talking since I can see where you've taken Spanner's and my feedback to heart, but things really seemed to come together well here.  Galus's explanation does a decent job of dispelling the confusion over his orders in the previous update, and Mikuru's role had me genuinely cheering for her.  It's surprisingly nice to see her stand up and act assertive for a change.  The battle between her and Yuki was entertaining too, and it's interesting to watch Yuki make sense of the situation and begin to attempt to reason her way to freedom.  And Dr. Tofu?  Heh, I didn't expect Jinnai to be a Ranma 1/2 fan.

Regardless, Jinnai's delusions about Makoto were an intelligent way to further Haruhi's misconceptions of El-Hazard and set-up the chapter's second battle.  And what this fight lacked in destructive power it made up for in hilarity.  For some reason Makoto and Haruhi's references to being top gym students made me laugh, and the images of Haruhi jump kicking Makoto and the two of them duking it out struck me as funny in a ridiculous (but good!) way.  It's also amusing to see some of Jinnai's mannerisms rub off on Haruhi.

Additionally, I'm touched that you've listened to some of my advice about fight scenes and I think it's helping, but I'd also recommend using hyphens instead of commas to interrupt action with dialogue.  Hyphens tend to offer a more abrupt and forceful break than commas which are more often associated with pauses.

So, instead of:
"That..." began Yuki Nagato, as she began to engage in rapid fire blasts of white pulsating energy at Mikuru, "is where you are," resulting in Mikuru screaming in dissonance while thrown about violently by the blasts, failing to dodge them outright, "wrong, Mikuru."

Perhaps this?
"That..." began Yuki Nagato, as she began to engage in rapid fire blasts of white pulsating energy at Mikuru- "...is where you are..." -resulting in Mikuru screaming in dissonance while thrown about violently by the blasts, failing to dodge them outright. "...wrong, Mikuru."

Other than that, I don't have much more to say about this update.  It was a pleasant read, and you also continue to surprise me with the direction the story takes.  I assumed that the Phantom Tribe's master plan would take center-stage by now but it looks like you still have a couple chapters left before the finale.  Good luck with your writing.

27

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 16, 2009, 04:32:44 pm »

First, let me say that I think your ability to depict person-to-person battles has improved.  This second round of the heroes versus Nanoha didn't give me the same impression of disjunction between action and dialogue that the first bout did, and it managed to generate some of the sense of being fast-paced and active that such an encounter would actually have.  Nanoha's underwhelming odds weakened the tension a bit, though.  Kyon did a decent job of matching her the first time they fought, and with Makoto and Nanami further neutralizing her advantages and no new tricks up her sleeves I really wasn't too worried about the protagonists once combat started.  Having Nanoha injure someone early on (maybe Nanami since her power dispels one of her greatest strengths?) to show how dangerous and committed she is or giving her a weapon upgrade (dangerous Phantom Tribe Belkan technology! ) might have gone a ways towards making the battle more suspenseful.  Still, it was a fun read, and I appreciated that you had Nanoha do the "You've given me some things to think about so I'm going to sojourn for a little while" rather than the immediate 180-degree motivation shift.  Both are clichés and with good reason, but the former seems more appropriate in this situation with this character.  At the very least, a few hours to think things through could do the Phantom Tribe assassin some good.

As for the other scenes, I share some of Spanner's criticisms.  Contrived might not be entirely the right word since your reasoning is defensible, but it is important to remember that what is obvious to you as the writer isn't necessarily as obvious to the readers.  When Jinnai revealed that his brilliant scheme to sneak into Florestica was to have Haruhi fly over the city walls my first response was a facepalm.  Had you stressed that they would have the cover of darkness and that Florestica has scant lookouts for airborne travelers this probably wouldn't have seemed as much of a stretch, just as if you'd reminded the audience that Nanoha was disguised as a non-Phantom Triber during the battle royale between her and Yuki and Kyon, Koizumi, and Fujisawa I might not have done a double-take at some of Galus and Nahato's words.  Similarly, after rereading Galus's dialogue in this chapter I can sort of see that his plan was to provoke a violent response from Haruhi through a direct attack but on the initial read-through this wasn't clear to me and I instead misinterpreted it as "Phantom Tribe taking away what Haruhi cares about to enrage/depress her to the point where she lashes out at the entire world."  Earlier dialogue had also given me the impression that the Phantom Tribe's plan was to strip away Haruhi's illusions about El-Hazard and expose her to the harsh truth about her new friends and empire to drive her to a moment of pure despair, which is kind of ironic considering that the Phantom Tribe's favored instrument is deception.  So at the time Yuki's choice of targets seemed peculiar to me as well.

Otherwise, though, the scenes with Jinnai and Haruhi had a lot of great dialogue and the dynamics between them continue to be fairly interesting.  I especially liked their interactions together as they flew over the wall, criticisms of the logic of the scene itself notwithstanding.  And, although it was arguably predictable, Jinnai's noble sacrifice still surprised me a bit.  Now's certainly a PERFECT opportunity for any heretofore latent healing powers Mikuru might have gained during the trip to El-Hazard to manifest themselves, eh?  I also enjoyed Fujisawa's rescue of Fatora, and I think you struck the right balance on the princess's part between joy over being saved and the annoyance at having had to wait so long.

Anyway, thanks for sharing and good luck with your writing. This was an enjoyable update.

28

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 13, 2009, 06:03:34 pm »

(Yuki/Kyon is a distant second; I see some potential there, but I've yet to read a fanfic that attempts it without unforgivably mauling Yuki's character.)

If you ever do find a good in-character one, please tell me.  I like Haruhi and Kyon as a couple and pretty much accept that they'll end up together (Haruhi's pretty hard to say no to, after all ), but a good read featuring the Yuki/Kyon pairing could be pretty nice.  

Anyway, I mostly agree with Spanner about characterizations.  Nanami's the only one who's stood out as somewhat consistently out of character with her suspiciousness, and you addressed that in recent updates.  Otherwise, you seem to have a good understanding of the cast in general, although there are occasional cases where actions and dialogues feel slightly off to me.  I think what really helps you is that you appear to like and respect all of the characters, so even though you don't always necessarily nail them head on you don't bash them either and they at least act with reasonable intelligence.  

I will add here that Haruhi's confession of her feelings to Jinnai didn't really strike me as in-character for her, though.  She has enough trouble admitting that she likes Kyon and is as vulnerable to the love bug as anyone else, and now all of a sudden she's opening herself up?  This declaration might have worked better doing a moment of crisis, as clichéd as that sounds.  I do like how neither Jinnai nor Haruhi have suddenly gone all mushy-mushy and are still acting as megalomaniacal and imperious as ever, though.  Despite the change in their relationship, they still feel like the same characters.

Anyway, good job with these two chapters.  The overview of Gannon's "conversion" was amusing though not as hilarious as Haruhi forcing Mikuru into becoming the moe mascot of the Bugrom Empire.  I half expected her to include the usual risqué photos of Mikuru in the promotional boxes, though Jinnai's arguably decent enough that he might quietly remove such items before handing out the packages.  The scenes with the other protagonists were reasonably good too, though it seemed almost too convenient how everything fell into place perfectly for Nahato.  Still, not bad for a filler chapter.

As for Chapter 12, I think by now it's pretty clear that I'm a Jinnai fan and I really liked that you had him realize the set-up was a trap instead of warping it into one of his "Makoto is evil!" delusions.  You're doing some of his incredible deviousness justice, and the allusions to "The Wanderers" are entertaining too.  You'd think the Phantom Tribe would be among his prime suspects, though, considering what he said about scrambled messages.  And Haruhi's Ryoko masquerade is quite the interesting choice and has me wondering if it'll jog any more of Yuki's memories.  The detailed description of the Coruscate Caverns was very nice too and really gave me a strong picture of the place's natural beauty.  I also think that you did a better job with the fight scene between Fatora's rescue squad and the Bugrom than your earlier battle between Kyon, Koizumi, and Fujisawa and Yuki and Nanoha, so congratulations on the improvement.

I'm a little bit iffy about Ifurita Eleven (does the story really need another Demon God?) and am not quite certain how to feel about Nanoha at the moment, but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt until I discover how you put these two to use.  Diva's willingness to let Haruhi go with Jinnai into a potentially dangerous situation also struck me as slightly strange considering how protective of the new Bugrom Queen she's been, though I suppose she might be remembering her own youth cooped up by the chains of duty and is trying to give her successor a bit more freedom.  Despite these small criticisms, though, I'm still enjoying the story and am interested in seeing how things go from here.  Thanks for sharing.  

29

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 07, 2009, 09:09:06 pm »

Fight scenes are something I typically struggle with myself so I'm not sure how good any advice I offer on the topic is, but the occasional use of onomatopoeia might be of some help as might interjecting parts of the battle inside the conversation, such as:
"Yuki, stop-" Koizumi hurriedly raised his arms to block the staff and winced as the metal stave slammed into his defending limbs. "-this! This is madness! We are your-" The esper hastily flipped sideways in mid-air to avoid the Demon God's follow-through attack, eyes widening as his opponent's weapon passed above his head and missed by less than an inch. "-friends! Please, try to remember us!"

Of course, overuse of either can also be problematic but a little bit of both here and they may help your battles come across as more fluid.  Different techniques suit different writing styles, though, so I would also recommend you keep experimenting till you find something that works well for you.  

As for what I said about the story possibly benefitting from more physical descriptions, for the most part you're fine.  This is partially told from Kyon's perspective and it wouldn't make sense for him to intimately detail each and every thing he encounters, and you are also writing with the assumption that readers are already familiar with both series. However, small reminders every now and then of what the characters and environments look like could be helpful and appreciated.  Take the scene in the rebuilt Bugrom throne room in your most recent update, for example.  Even though you could have simply left the description at "an exact replica of Queen Diva's royal hall in the former Bugrom hive" and most of us would have been able to form a mental image of the setting, by providing additional details you helped jog clearer memories of the previous royal hall and added an additional layer of depth to the scene.  And the same can go for characters, as I think a bit more time spent on Nanoha's physical appearance might have avoided the confusion I felt earlier about Galus and Nahato's words.

Anyway, I really liked this new chapter.  It read very smoothly and, overall, might be one of your strongest so far in terms of actual writing quality.  The wording of Makoto's party's reasoning maybe could have been phrased slightly better since it initially sounded a bit logically stretched to me, though on a second reading that impression lessened considerably.  All of the scenes with the characters were nice, and in Haruhi and Mikuru's I might have even detected some foreshadowing ("I-I don't have to go around fighting Yuki again, do I?" - Not at the moment, no, but in the future? Heh) in which case kudos.  I look forward to the next update.  

P.S. This recently occurred to me, but at some point you might want to have Kyon mention his little sister since, as he's stranded in an alien world, he should be worried about her too.

30

El-Hazard Online / Re: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

« on: June 04, 2009, 07:14:50 pm »

3) As for Haruhi and Jinnai... at this juncture, if it's not coming through that I'm slowly developing a serious romance between them (you can call it a crack-ship, if you like), then I'm not writing that aspect of their scenes well.

Oh, I noticed that. I just wasn't sure if I was reading too much into it or not since, while not beyond the pale (After reading Fish's infamously good Shayla/Jinnai hook-up, Haruhi and Jinnai doesn't seem _that_ bizarre), romance has never seemed like something those two megalomaniacs were seriously interested in. Plus, one of my first thoughts after picking up on that subplot was "Whahoo! This means Kyon's finally free to hook up with Yuki!" and I didn't want to hex that possibility by bringing up the subject.

As for turning this into a triple crossover by bringing Lyrical Nanoha into the mix, while the idea itself isn't bad per se I'd warn against it. This started off as a Suzumiya Haruhi/El-Hazard crossover and adding a third series in a major way to the story could diffuse the focus without contributing a whole lot to the plot at this point. You'd really have to insert the crossover convincingly, and at the moment there are some aspects of your use of Precia that stand out as troublesome if she is in fact THE Precia, not least of which is her motivation in Lyrical Nanoha compared to her motivation here.

SPOILER! Skip paragraph to avoid!After all, Precia's reason for gathering the Jewel Seeds was to travel to Al Hazard to bring her daughter back from the dead. Now, if we incorporate your story, you can justify some of her backstory by claiming that she was successful in traveling to Midchilda to cure her daughter's poisoning but her dimensional research to find a way back to El-Hazard backfired by killing the recovered Precia. That is reasonably plausible. However, why would she think El-Hazard could resurrect the dead? You're going to have to answer such questions if you want to pull off this proposal well.End SPOILER!

Anyway, as for the actual update, not bad. The battle was decently described and had a couple highlights, but there was a bit of a disjunction between the action and dialogue, I felt. Although I know that everything didn't stop as the characters spoke, it kind of seemed that way. Galus and Nahato's displeasure at Nanoha for revealing the Phantom Tribe's involvement also seemed somewhat out of place since I don't think she'd previously been described as hiding her Phantom Tribe heritage and being attacked by a blue-skinned humanoid would certainly give their role away. The story could benefit from more physical/environmental detail on occasion, I think.

The scenes of Jinnai and Haruhi laughing together and Jinnai leading the Bugrom army to Gagnon came across as the strongest, in my opinion. Jinnai is often at his best with a military force to command and that was certainly the case here. I also really liked Kyon's musing that his "low assessment of a situation was actually not low enough." That fit his sarcastic personality fantastically and was hilarious to boot. I also commend you for keeping me guessing about which way the story's heading. I felt pretty certain that Fujisawa, Kyon, and Koizumi would make it to the Bugrom Hive and meet up with Jinnai and Haruhi, but you surprised me again.

At any rate, thanks for sharing. I might criticize a lot, but I am truly enjoying reading this. And my compliments to the artist again. That's a nice drawing.