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Author Topic: The Magnificent Destiny of Haruhi's El Hazard  (Read 959 times)
Triple_R
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« on: August 01, 2009, 04:09:29 PM »

Here's Chapter 1 of Section 1: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=280751

A few notes...

1. I'm going with my own narration here. I'm also drastically cutting down on (but not entirely removing) italics and bolds. So, first of all, I'm mostly curious about what the narration is like, and how the change in presentation style is coming across (good, bad, neutral - want even more italics and bolds wiped out?)

2. The continuation of this continuity will focus mostly on the humans from Earth, and Nanoha. Other El Hazard characters (particularly the Three Priestesses) will feel pretty cut out of the story. I feel that this will enable me to handle the cast better. Not saying that they won't make cameo appearances, but that's probably what it will be limited to.

3. The Sequel Sample has been fused into Chapter 1, all in one large clump. You can skip over it once you get to it if you want.

4. Now, I've given this a lot of thought, particularly given feedback from Rowan and Spanner.

Here's my plan for my fanfic continuity as a whole...


Part 1 of the Trilogy - The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya

Part 2 of the Trilogy - The Magnificent Destiny of Haruhi's El Hazard

Part 2 of the Trilogy is broke up into 3 sections (each about half the size of the El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya)

Section 1 - The Sensei Fujisawa of Haruhi Suzumiya

Section 2 - The Fight to Return to Earth

Section 3 - The First Family of the Bugrom Empire


Section 1 and 2 - here is where I hope to grow as a writer, if possible. In other words, constructive criticism is my main hope for feedback for these two sections.

Section 3 I have different hopes for, but I'll share that with this board once we get to it.


If I accomplish one or both of my two goals for Section 3, then I'll write...

Part 3 of the Trilogy - *Classified Information*

...As Mikuru would say. ;)


I have an actual  name and basic plot concept for this Part, but if I reveal it now, it'll spoil Part 2 of the Trilogy, so I'm keeping it to myself for now.


5. Section 1 of Trilogy Part 2 (The Sensei Fujisawa of Haruhi Suzumiya) is going to revolve around 3 romances. You can even call it the three romances of the three kingdoms, if you want. ;D  So, six characters in particular will be the focus of this Section.


Well, I very much look forward to what people think of the 1st chapter of The Magnificent Destiny of Haruhi's El Hazard! :)

Please feel free to nitpick everything, as I'm hoping to grow as a writer here.
« Last Edit: August 01, 2009, 04:15:31 PM by triple_r » Logged
rowan_a._seven
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« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2009, 09:22:38 PM »

I read through the chapter today and enjoyed it overall. It's not perfect and I do have some criticisms, but in terms of writing I definitely think it's an improvement. The change from Kyon's narrative to 3rd person seems to be working out well for you. Anyway, I want to do a thorough job with my feedback so I'm afraid I'm going to put off the full response for another day or two (apologies!), but this looks like a good start.
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Triple_R
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« Reply #2 on: August 11, 2009, 01:46:45 PM »

Quote
I read through the chapter today and enjoyed it overall. It's not perfect and I do have some criticisms, but in terms of writing I definitely think it's an improvement. The change from Kyon's narrative to 3rd person seems to be working out well for you. Anyway, I want to do a thorough job with my feedback so I'm afraid I'm going to put off the full response for another day or two (apologies!), but this looks like a good start.


No apologies necessary (yet  ;) ). I'm glad that you enjoyed it overall. I am eagerly awaiting your feedback!
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rowan_a._seven
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« Reply #3 on: August 11, 2009, 10:34:22 PM »

So...finally, here's the much delayed feedback. Apologies for the wait, but I'm something of a procrastinator and I was busy this past week. Anyway, the first scene is fairly good and Galus's part in it was a pleasant surprise. I honestly wasn't expecting him to show up again anytime soon, and it's nice to see him in a different role than ranting comic book villain. His conversation with Nanoha was interesting, and while I think his mental leap connecting SOS propaganda to ethnic cleansing is a bit of a stretch his efforts to (apparently successfully) plant doubts in Nanoha's mind seem quite in character for him. The physical description of his cell was clear too, and I got the sense that you were channeling Magneto's imprisonment from the X-men movies.

I already commented on the Jinnai, Haruhi, and Nanami scene earlier, and I think you incorporated it into this chapter well. The next scene with Kyon and Nanoha was cute and it's good to know that Kyon is still as perceptive as ever. With minds as devious and unpredictable as Haruhi and Jinnai, that's a talent he might need soon. Without Kyon's narrative, though, you're going to have to find other ways to present his characteristic sarcasm. I'm a bit ambivalent about the class idea. It sounds like a good way to get the main characters together regularly, but with their different interests, activities, and schedules I'm not sure how much sense this makes. Is Haruhi supposed to shuttle back and forth from the Hive to Florestica 6 days a week, take classes, and learn how to run an empire while simultaneously actually running the empire? Or how about Nanami's business ventures and Makoto's scientific pursuits?  And is putting Jinnai and Makoto in the same room on a nearly daily basis such a good idea? A once per week class or something to that effect might work better.

The scene with Makoto and Yuki was unexpected but also intriguing on some levels with the hints of a developing romance. Heh, sometimes I wonder if the trip to El-Hazard gave the "Wanderers" two powers each instead of one: almost instant recovery from any injury on Jinnai's part, the ability to arrive in the nick of time to save someone for Fujisawa, Nanami's power to put together a restaurant and cook Japanese food no matter where she is, and Makoto's harem-generation power. More seriously, his love for Ifurita is so strong that I have a hard time picturing him falling for anyone else except in a moment of utter despair, but that same devotion seems to make him blind to the effects his pure heart, brilliant mind, and genuine willingness to help others have on others. Yuki doesn't come across as the type to act on any romantic feelings she might develop, though, so if you're trying to spark something between them then you face the hurdles of a character who is unambiguously in love with someone else and another character who seems content not to act on such feelings. Anyway, I think you went a bit overboard with the scene description here. I mean, petri dishes of Demon God DNA samples and textbooks on Quantum Mechanics? Considering the technology level of El-Hazard's contemporary humans, books on quantum mechanics and genetic research seem more than a bit advanced and out of place. Remember, Dr. Schtalubaugh is not Dr. Light and while relics from the past lying around Makoto's room make sense a full-blown state of the art futuristic lab does not. :)  

As for the scene with Jinnai and Diva, I kind of like what you seem to be developing here but I'm not sure how it would realistically be executed. Jinnai revels in conquest and the elation of victory so I can understand why he'd be so eager to wage another war, but how exactly would one invade Phantom Tribe territory when their entire society seems to be hidden and they probably have secret enclaves throughout Alliance lands? Considering how they operate and how hated they are, I kind of doubt the Phantom Tribe has a chunk of land they publicly call their own that the rest of the world knows about. And I'm disinclined to believe that Haruhi would condone the subjugation of an entire race, though after what Galus did to her I can understand her developing a dislike and distrust of the Phantom Tribe in general. At the very least, though, the set-up is ripe for Nanoha (and possibly Galus too if matters progress in such a manner as to convince Nanoha that she should free him) to play a significant role.

Regardless, thanks for sharing and apologies if this sounds a bit rushed. I went out to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend after work today so I was busier than I expected.
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Triple_R
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« Reply #4 on: August 12, 2009, 04:01:17 AM »

Quote
So...finally, here's the much delayed feedback. Apologies for the wait, but I'm something of a procrastinator and I was busy this past week. Anyway, the first scene is fairly good and Galus's part in it was a pleasant surprise. I honestly wasn't expecting him to show up again anytime soon, and it's nice to see him in a different role than ranting comic book villain. His conversation with Nanoha was interesting, and while I think his mental leap connecting SOS propaganda to ethnic cleansing is a bit of a stretch his efforts to (apparently successfully) plant doubts in Nanoha's mind seem quite in character for him.


Galus is being a bit paranoid, absolutely. But that's how I think he is in general towards non-Shadow Tribe members - he's overly distrustful and suspicious of the actions and words of others. He sometimes reads too much into things. Although he is right about how the SOS Brigade is exploiting the Shadow Tribe here - that'll be delved into next chapter - he's greatly over-estimated how far that exploitation goes.

Quote
 The physical description of his cell was clear too, and I got the sense that you were channeling Magneto's imprisonment from the X-men movies.


Good eye! When writing this scene, I was thinking "Ok, where have I seen a good prison cell for
super-powered folks before? A cell that's not inhumane, but also quite secure?". Magneto's jail cell in the X-Men movies immediately came to mind. To a certain extent, I want Galus to channel Magneto here as well - Galus is deeply suspicious of all non-Shadow Tribe members just as Magneto is deeply suspicious of all non-mutants.


Quote


I already commented on the Jinnai, Haruhi, and Nanami scene earlier, and I think you incorporated it into this chapter well.  


The chapter, overall, is pretty serious, so I felt that Haruhi's impersonation scene would make for good comedic relief about half-way through it.

Quote
The next scene with Kyon and Nanoha was cute and it's good to know that Kyon is still as perceptive as ever. With minds as devious and unpredictable as Haruhi and Jinnai, that's a talent he might need soon. Without Kyon's narrative, though, you're going to have to find other ways to present his characteristic sarcasm.


I might give him some "thought Kyon" lines, where we delve into what he's thinking. I didn't want him to be snarky here, though - this is meant, after all, to be a cute scene with him and his new girlfriend.

Quote
I'm a bit ambivalent about the class idea. It sounds like a good way to get the main characters together regularly, but with their different interests, activities, and schedules I'm not sure how much sense this makes. Is Haruhi supposed to shuttle back and forth from the Hive to Florestica 6 days a week, take classes, and learn how to run an empire while simultaneously actually running the empire? Or how about Nanami's business ventures and Makoto's scientific pursuits?  And is putting Jinnai and Makoto in the same room on a nearly daily basis such a good idea? A once per week class or something to that effect might work better.


I already have a plot-line planned out for the class.
I'll reveal now that I intend to have two major plotlines - a class plotline, and a Shadow Tribe plotline; one for humor, the other for serious intrigue.

That being said, Fujisawa's class is going to be an experimental project - it won't necessarily have a set schedule, at least not until it's in full motion. I already have about a half-dozen class or class-esque scenes planned out, though - and I hope/think that most of them would be funny.

Like you said, Haruhi's responsibilities are the biggest hurdle - and don't worry, I'm aware of that, and will need to find a good way of addressing that.


Quote


The scene with Makoto and Yuki was unexpected but also intriguing on some levels with the hints of a developing romance. Heh, sometimes I wonder if the trip to El-Hazard gave the "Wanderers" two powers each instead of one: almost instant recovery from any injury on Jinnai's part, the ability to arrive in the nick of time to save someone for Fujisawa, Nanami's power to put together a restaurant and cook Japanese food no matter where she is, and Makoto's harem-generation power. More seriously, his love for Ifurita is so strong that I have a hard time picturing him falling for anyone else except in a moment of utter despair, but that same devotion seems to make him blind to the effects his pure heart, brilliant mind, and genuine willingness to help others have on others. Yuki doesn't come across as the type to act on any romantic feelings she might develop, though, so if you're trying to spark something between them then you face the hurdles of a character who is unambiguously in love with someone else and another character who seems content not to act on such feelings.


Of the three romances, this is the one least set in stone, and may in fact, not last very long (kind of like Kyon's own semi-romantic moments with Yuki in the Haruhi canon). Mostly, it's designed for character development - to challenge Yuki's perceptions of herself and/or to make Makoto re-think his ideals. I think it makes for an intriguing ethical dilemma for both of them. That ethical dilemma will probably relate to other plot points as well.


Quote
Anyway, I think you went a bit overboard with the scene description here. I mean, petri dishes of Demon God DNA samples and textbooks on Quantum Mechanics? Considering the technology level of El-Hazard's contemporary humans, books on quantum mechanics and genetic research seem more than a bit advanced and out of place. Remember, Dr. Schtalubaugh is not Dr. Light and while relics from the past lying around Makoto's room make sense a full-blown state of the art futuristic lab does not. :)  


You never had a problem with my spatial anomaly listening posts in Chapter 1 of the prequel - that was pretty high-tech itself. ;)  Still, this was Makoto's moment of looking like a scientific genius by his actual words and lab design - I felt it would be nice to play that up for a change. In fact, one of your favorite fanfiction.net fanfics inspired this scene, in part, Rowan. Should I go back to Makoto's lab, it'll be just to focus on his comparisons between the two key staffs, and his attempts to find a way back to Earth.

However, I might edit this scene a bit to go with your critique here.


Quote
As for the scene with Jinnai and Diva, I kind of like what you seem to be developing here but I'm not sure how it would realistically be executed. Jinnai revels in conquest and the elation of victory so I can understand why he'd be so eager to wage another war, but how exactly would one invade Phantom Tribe territory when their entire society seems to be hidden and they probably have secret enclaves throughout Alliance lands?


Bugrom reconnaissance.

Well... you won't get every Shadow Tribe member (some are hidden elsewhere like you said), but you could conquer the places where they actually live together. It's not that they're publicly pointing out where they live, it's that Jinnai has had time to interrogate some Shadow Tribe members due to his conquest of their base, and sent out Bugrom recon parties, and hence he now knows where the hidden Shadow Tribe cities and towns are.


Quote
Considering how they operate and how hated they are, I kind of doubt the Phantom Tribe has a chunk of land they publicly call their own that the rest of the world knows about. And I'm disinclined to believe that Haruhi would condone the subjugation of an entire race, though after what Galus did to her I can understand her developing a dislike and distrust of the Phantom Tribe in general. At the very least, though, the set-up is ripe for Nanoha (and possibly Galus too if matters progress in such a manner as to convince Nanoha that she should free him) to play a significant role.

Regardless, thanks for sharing and apologies if this sounds a bit rushed. I went out to dinner with my brother and his girlfriend after work today so I was busier than I expected.


You've put me in a bind when it comes to what to do with Haruhi and Jinnai. You don't want them in class, and you don't want them conquering Shadow Tribe lands either...

Honestly, considering that Haruhi and Jinnai aren't Saints, and considering what Galus (and Nahato and those Shadow Tribe scientists) did to them... is it really that hard to believe they'd want the threat of the Shadow Tribe to be neutralized - even by subjugation, if need be?

Anyway, your feedback touched on each scene, which was what I had hoped for. :)  I'm glad that two of the scenes surprised you - bodes well for potential future plot twists.
« Last Edit: August 12, 2009, 04:04:26 AM by triple_r » Logged
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