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Author Topic: The El Hazard of Haruhi Sequel Sample  (Read 711 times)
Triple_R
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« on: July 28, 2009, 04:47:37 PM »

I just wrote two pages of what might be the start of a sequel to my The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya fanfic.

I'm currently leaning towards writing a comedic slice-of-life seven-chapter (or thereabouts) story that will focus on romances and softer drama (i.e. school-esque drama instead of world hangs in the balance drama).

These following two pages reflect what my humor will likely be like if I go ahead with this seven-chapter plan. I basically would like to know if it's too zany or not and if it survives the laugh test.

If I get mostly positive responses to this sequel sample I'll incorporate it into the El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya continuity and begin working off of it. If I get mostly negative responses to this sequel sample, I'll scrap it and go back to the drawing board.

Well, anyway, here it is (in my narrator voice - not Kyon's)...

_____________________________________________


Approximately four weeks, and one Bugrom Queen Coronation ceremony, had passed since Haruhi Suzumiya, Kyon, Itsuki Koizumi, Mikuru Asahina, and Yuki Nagato had all found themselves in diverse locations through out the magnificent alien world of El Hazard. In that time, much had changed in El Hazard due in no small part to their arrival.

First and foremost, the Bugrom Empire now had a new Queen, a Queen who had negotiated peace between the Bugrom and the Alliance and who had also even managed to tame the lust for revenge and warfare that had previously known a ceaseless beat within the heart of Katsuhiko Jinnai. With this peace, came the establishment of human settlements within Bugrom territory and bugrom settlements within every Alliance nation, except Megraton's Cyberica. These settlements were founded with the goal of bugrom living peacefully within easy walking distance of humans leading to the two species growing more at ease and at harmony with one another.

Due to the popularity of the action figures bearing his miniaturized likeness, as well as his integral role in Galus' defeat, SOS Man began to enjoy an almost iconic status amongst the human children of El Hazard. This status was helped along by the already growing legend of how he and his ally Bugwoman had saved the entire world from the destructive wiles of Galus.

"Look!" one jubilant eight year old Fasudan boy shouted, while pointing his finger at the costumed Katsuhiko Jinnai, "It's him. It's the great SOS Man! He's the hero who stopped Galus from blowing up the entire world!"
"A ha!" laughed SOS Man in reply, striking an imposing pose while puffing out his chest as much as he could and holding enclosed fists next to his waist, "Yes, it is I, your peerless champion of justice and peace! Do not worry, good citizen, for I am here to dispense with all shadows, and aid bugrom and human alike through charting a course of limitless joy under the auspices of the SOS Brigade!"

"SOS Man! SOS Man!" exclaimed dozens upon dozens of children, flocking to him as starving sheep flock to a shepherd.

Katsuhiko Jinnai actually did quite well in this new role, as it brought him an ever increasing sense of personal grandeur and importance. SOS Man was becoming, ironically enough, a roundly beloved hero. He was even becoming beloved once more by his formerly estranged sister.

Nanami had shrewdly determined that SOS Man could be a money making machine for her, and hence went to great lengths to ensure that SOS Man's true secret identity was kept hidden from the general human populaces of El Hazard. SOS Man hence was a figure clad in handsome hope yet shrouded in mythical mystery. The perfect image to commodify, copyright, and sell in the form of thousands and thousands of toys.

Jinnai Industries was the name that Nanami gave to her toy manufacturing company, which with bugrom help was up and running and steamrolling out SOS Man and Bugwoman toys by the thousands only a few days after Galus' defeat.

A significant number of adult El Hazard peasants were displeased by this mushrooming rise of SOS Man as they suspected that he was really the despised warlord Katsuhiko Jinnai. Nanami set up a large ten foot tall theatre platform of sorts in the city square of Florestica with a plan set up to dash these suspicions. Thankfully, the following staged appearance would succeed in accomplishing that...

"SOS Man is not Katsuhiko Jinnai... for I am Katsuhiko Jinnai!" was the bold declarative shout of a widely smiling person with an exact likeness to Katsuhiko Jinnai walking out from the red curtains to stand next to SOS Man's side.

"So you see, fine citizens" stated SOS Man, who had already been standing on stage after being introduced by Nanami, "Clearly I am not the warlord Katsuhiko Jinnai... though I am pleased to be in his esteemed acquaintance!"

"That is right!" shouted 'Katsuhiko Jinnai' with the voice of Jinnai, in what looked to be Jinnai's student uniform complete with medals, and with 'his' arms neatly folded in front of 'him', "You should all be thankful to have the heroic SOS Man on your side, for otherwise I would conquer all your lands, burn all your houses, eat all your babies, and rule you like a King! And then I would disembowel Makoto Mizu~hara and drag his entrails through out the streets to demonstrate my ultimate act of superiority over him! Fear me, oh humans of El Hazard! Fear and respect the unstoppable villain Katsuhiko Jinnai...
Mwa-ha-ha-ha-HA!-ha-ha-ha-ha-HA-ha ha ha ha ha ha...!!!"

These words left the gathered crowd in front of the oddly innocently grinning Katsuhiko in a temporarily petrified state of astounded horror.

"Hey!" whispered SOS Man angrily to Katsuhiko Suzumiya, "I'm supposed to be reformed, remember?!"

"Oh, sorry, I forgot..." replied a whispering Bugrom Queen Haruhi in the midst of one of her hammiest acting performances ever, "I thought you'd like this tribute to how coolly villainous you used to be!"

"P-please don't take my brother seriously here!" stated Nanami nervously into the mike that was situated at the outermost rimmed edge of the platform that she had set up, "He's only joking, I can assure you!"

"That's right!" exclaimed Katsuhiko Suzumiya, "I was joking about everything except eating babies. All great villains eat babies after all!"

"Ggaaaahhh...!!![/i]" cried SOS Man bringing a palm to his golden mask.

So while Katsuhiko Jinnai was now suspected of cannibalism, his alter ego of SOS Man was no longer suspected of being Katsuhiko Jinnai. This made him a palatable hero for El Hazard human adults, and retained his iconic status amongst the El Hazard youths.  


-----------------------------------------------------------------


Any and all feedback on this writing sample is greatly appreciated.
« Last Edit: July 29, 2009, 12:22:18 PM by triple_r » Logged
Spanner
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« Reply #1 on: July 29, 2009, 11:01:07 AM »

Very cute, very comedic. While I question whether the ruse would hold up in real life, in the context of a comedic anime continuity like El-Hazard or Haruhi, this kind of transparent ploy to "prove" Jinnai's independant identity from SOS Man is likely to convince pretty much everyone except straight-men like Kyon, and establish numerous opportunities for running gags down the line. ("For the last time, I do NOT eat babies! Or anyone else, for that matter! Gaaah!")

I appreciated Megraton's brief mention as a leader who does NOT allow Bugrom within his borders. It was a nice touch.

Anyway, it gets the thumbs-up from me, at least. ^_^V

I did notice that the new Bugrom/Alliance... er... alliance seems to be built partly on the platform of "Our two races against the nasty Shadow Tribe!" or, at least, that's how SOS Man's spiel sounded. While he did couch it mostly in terms of his great victory over Galus, rather than over the Tribe, phrases like "dispensing with all shadows" and "aid bugrom and human alike" seem to imply it. Does this mean that Haruhi and Jinnai don't plan to extend the olive branch to the Shadow Tribe, as well? That they will be enemies, even with Galus deposed? How do sympethizers among the Tribe feel about this (well, I suppose Nanoha is really the only one we actually know about)?

I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, or should be changed; on the contrary, it opens up all kinds of interesting story opportunities. Do the Tribe still resent the Allies and Bugrom, and vice-versa? Or do they want a piece of this love-fest that's suddenly erupted but feel alienated by being labeled the "bad guys"?

I'm not sure whether your softer, gentler, school-romancy sequel is the place for this kind of racial tension or not, but I thought I'd throw that out there.
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rowan_a._seven
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« Reply #2 on: July 31, 2009, 10:31:55 PM »

I pretty much agree with Spanner here. It's cute and funny, and Haruhi's impersonation of "villainous" Jinnai was hilarious. Nanami tapping into her entrepreneurial spirit to capitalize on SOS Man is also an amusing and in-character idea. By itself this scene feels like it should be part of something more, though, and if you do decide to use it as a launching point for a sequel I'd recommend adding additional content (maybe updates on other important cast members?) before turning it into a prologue or a chapter. I'm also not entirely convinced that Jinnai would be okay with his SOS Man persona getting all the glory and hero worship since he's quite egotistical, but I suppose he could be humoring Haruhi for now and her belief that superheroes should keep their alter egos secret from the public. I don't know what goal you are attempting to reach so I don't know how well this sample serves as set-up, but the writing feels stronger than the impression I remember receiving of it from the beginning of the prequel and it's an entertaining start.  
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Triple_R
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« Reply #3 on: July 31, 2009, 11:43:41 PM »

Quote
Very cute, very comedic. While I question whether the ruse would hold up in real life, in the context of a comedic anime continuity like El-Hazard or Haruhi, this kind of transparent ploy to "prove" Jinnai's independant identity from SOS Man is likely to convince pretty much everyone except straight-men like Kyon, and establish numerous opportunities for running gags down the line. ("For the last time, I do NOT eat babies! Or anyone else, for that matter! Gaaah!")

I appreciated Megraton's brief mention as a leader who does NOT allow Bugrom within his borders. It was a nice touch.

Anyway, it gets the thumbs-up from me, at least. ^_^V

I did notice that the new Bugrom/Alliance... er... alliance seems to be built partly on the platform of "Our two races against the nasty Shadow Tribe!" or, at least, that's how SOS Man's spiel sounded. While he did couch it mostly in terms of his great victory over Galus, rather than over the Tribe, phrases like "dispensing with all shadows" and "aid bugrom and human alike" seem to imply it. Does this mean that Haruhi and Jinnai don't plan to extend the olive branch to the Shadow Tribe, as well? That they will be enemies, even with Galus deposed? How do sympethizers among the Tribe feel about this (well, I suppose Nanoha is really the only one we actually know about)?

I don't necessarily think this is a bad thing, or should be changed; on the contrary, it opens up all kinds of interesting story opportunities. Do the Tribe still resent the Allies and Bugrom, and vice-versa? Or do they want a piece of this love-fest that's suddenly erupted but feel alienated by being labeled the "bad guys"?

I'm not sure whether your softer, gentler, school-romancy sequel is the place for this kind of racial tension or not, but I thought I'd throw that out there.



Very good eye, Spanner! I was afraid the "dispensing with all shadows" bit would be too subtle, but yes, that was Jinnai's way of implying how the Shadow Tribe are the mutual enemies of the Alliance and the Bugrom.

I'm very glad that this Sample was well received by both you and Rowan.

I'm glad that you liked the Megraton touch, as well.

Thanks to you and Rowan for the enthusiastic feedback!


Rowan - I'm glad that you approved of my handling of Nanami here!

My main goal with this Sequel Sample was to see if this style of humor was a bit too zany for you and Spanner - you and Spanner are both strict on plot believability, and I basically wanted to ensure that this style of humor would be funny, but only in a good way, for you both. ;)

Somewhat ironically, Jinnai's SOS Man alter-ego will not be that prominent in the school-romancy sequel.

This is definitely not a chapter in and of itself. I was considering making it a prologue, but since you dislike that idea, I'll probably try to fuse this section into the actual first chapter of the sequel.

Oh... and pleasing Nanami aside, Haruhi and Jinnai do have a good reason for going along with this - simple Roshtarian currency, quite frankly. It only makes sense that they'd both get a cut of the sales for Bugwoman and SOS Man toys.

Granted, Haruhi and Jinnai hardly need cash while in Bugrom Empire territory (for obvious reasons - it's not like the Bugrom are going to require cash from their Queen or Supreme Commander), but while in Florestica, it can be helpful even for them.

I'm also glad that the writing seems a bit stronger to you. There's a good chance that feedback from you and Spanner during the prequel helped improve my writing in general.
« Last Edit: July 31, 2009, 11:45:07 PM by triple_r » Logged
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