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Author Topic: The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya  (Read 5190 times)
Triple_R
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« on: May 11, 2009, 07:47:23 PM »

I recently started writing a fanfic called "The El Hazard of Haruhi Suzumiya". It combines the two awesome animes of the same name (El Hazard and the Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya)!

Chapter 1 is here: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068

I'd love to know what my fellow El Hazard fans think of it so far!  :)
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« Reply #1 on: May 12, 2009, 06:57:18 AM »

Not bad! It's good to still see folks with enthusiasm for writing new El-Hazard fanfic. I particularly enjoyed Haruhi's encounter with Groucho, and his total inability to resist her rapacious advances.  XD

If I had any complaint, it would be that your story seems to be relying a bit too much on recycled humor. You have Mikuru doing the waitress gig in the desert, just like Nanami. You had Kyon encounter the priestesses in the hot springs, just like Makoto. The latter case was particularly awkward, as Kyon's incaution just didn't seem terribly in-character for him. Barging past guards and leaping head-first into who-knows-what seems more Haruhi's style than Kyon's!

All complaints aside, it seems to be a pretty solid story so far and I look forward to seeing more. Let us know when you update!
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Triple_R
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« Reply #2 on: May 13, 2009, 01:25:02 PM »

Spanner - Thanks for the feedback! "Slice of life"/comedy moments is a weakness of mine that I  have to work on a bit - hence the recycled humor. Maybe I'll get better at that over time - thankfully the Haruhi/Groucho scene came across as funny at least; I'm glad that you enjoyed it!

I'll keep the criticisms in mind, especially as far as Kyon is concerned. I'll put up another link to the story here after I update - I hope to have the next Chapter done sometime this weekend.
« Last Edit: May 13, 2009, 01:25:24 PM by triple_r » Logged
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« Reply #3 on: May 14, 2009, 06:50:18 PM »

Heh, very amusing. It's nice to see a new El Hazard crossover, especially with Suzumiya Haruhi since that series seems particularly well-suited for this. Anyway, the writing's pretty good and I'm really enjoying the humor. The first-person narrative took me by surprise at first, but it's a good way to incorporate Kyon's trademark sarcasm into the story and I think it's paying off. The descriptions are a bit lacking, but since you seem to be aiming this at people with some familiarity with both settings that's not necessarily a bad thing and it gives you more time to work on the dialogue. In my opinion, your best scene so far is Haruhi's encounter with the Bugrom Empire. You definitely seemed to nail her personality, and I'm tempted to say that she's probably going to enjoy every minute of her imprisonment in this strange, alien world. Heh. Regardless, I echo Spanner's criticism, and overall I think you're off to a good start. Thanks for sharing.
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Triple_R
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« Reply #4 on: May 14, 2009, 09:15:43 PM »

Rowan - Thanks a lot!  :)  Haruhi Suzumiya is my favorite character from her own anime, and Katsuhiko Jinnai is my favorite El Hazard character... so the scenes with both of them in it will probably be my best work.  ;D

It's certainly the scenes I enjoy writing the most.

Here's an update!: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068


Just scroll down to where "Chapter 2 - The Alliance of Haruhi Suzumiya" begins.
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« Reply #5 on: May 18, 2009, 10:53:55 AM »

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Rowan - Thanks a lot!  :)  Haruhi Suzumiya is my favorite character from her own anime, and Katsuhiko Jinnai is my favorite El Hazard character... so the scenes with both of them in it will probably be my best work.  ;D

It's certainly the scenes I enjoy writing the most.

Here's an update!: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068


Just scroll down to where "Chapter 2 - The Alliance of Haruhi Suzumiya" begins.

All right! I checked out chapter two. The interactions between Jinnai and Haruhi continue to be quite hilarious. Two individuals with a remarkable talent for hearing only what they want to hear... pair them off, and watch them come to some amazing conclusions! I thought that Groucho's... attraction to Haruhi was a bit weird at first - but then again, given that Queen Diva is a rather sexy babe herself, it's certainly possible that Bugrom tastes in females may run in that direction.

The interactions with the Roshtaria crowd were a bit weaker, I'm afraid. I was a little confused as to why Kyon and Itsuki were asking about things like schools and sightseeing, as though they were visiting tourists. One would think that their priority would be to locate their missing members! Kyon would be especially worried about Mikuru, since he tends to regard her as a very fragile and delicate girl.

Speaking of Mikuru, Nanami's mentioning her experience as a waitress and how that fate might have befallen one of their companions seemed WAY too convenient. Given how randomly the group was scattered, it's quite a leap of deduction to guess that anyone else would have landed in the desert, let alone that they'd wind up working as a waitress. If you meant that as a plot hook to give our heroes someplace to start looking... well, I feel it could have been done better.

On the topic of sightseeing... You seemed to be a little overcautious in adding your own touches to the world of El-Hazard. It's strange to assume, for instance, that the Roshtarian Acadamy is the only school in El-Hazard! When Kyon asked about places of learning, Dr. Schtalubaugh should have been able to rattle off several, even if none are quite as majestic as the Academy. The Alliance is made of many allied nations, and surely they don't all send every student to Roshtaria to learn!

It actually made me chuckle, too, when the Priestesses referred to their own Alma Mater as "that place where we priestesses go to train". If you don't have a name, make one up! El-Hazard is a huge and wonderful place, and the OAV only touched on a scant handful of the continent. Don't be afraid to make up your own places of interest, or to fill out details that the OAV left out. Go beyond just the people and places mentioned in the show!

It seems a little strange that the Roshtarian group hasn't asked about any strange powers that Kyon and Itsuki might have developed. To date, every Earthling that's come to El-Hazard has recieved a special power of some kind. While it doesn't necessarily follow that the Haruhi group will also get powers (they came to El-Hazard in a different manner than Makoto's group, after all), the Roshtarians should certainly suspect that such powers could exist!

It was nice to see Fatora and Alielle introduced to the group. It was particularly interesting to see that Kyon seems to have taken a shine to her, in spite of her misandronistic ways (I guess Kyon is so used to being abused by domineering women that Fatora doesn't seem so bad in retrospect). I kind of hope to see this develop further - though it's kind of hard to imagine Fatora actually warming up to Kyon. I shudder to imagine what will happen once Fatora meets Mikuru... Poor Mikuru!

As for the close of the chapter, in which the Shadow Tribemen get their hands on Yuki, whose data has been reconfigured to resemble a Demon God's... I'm cautiously optimistic. It's potentially an interesting twist, but there are many ways it could be poorly handled. Try not to have Yuki's new role too closely match Ifurita's!

All in all, another great chapter! Your primary weakness seems to be in handling the good guys, as I haven't really found any flaws with the sections dealing with the Bugrom or the Shadow Tribe. I don't know if it's because you have a better feel for the villians, or if those are the sections that you simply enjoy writing more (making the good guy sections a "necessary evil", in a way). You also seem to be a bit timid in developing and expanding the world of El-Hazard, and stick too closely to the people and places referenced in the show. Once you shore up those deficiencies this will be a solid piece of fanfiction.
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Triple_R
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« Reply #6 on: May 18, 2009, 01:45:49 PM »

Ok... that's a nice lengthy reply! Thank you for it. Give me a second to respond to it all.  :)

Quote

All right! I checked out chapter two. The interactions between Jinnai and Haruhi continue to be quite hilarious. Two individuals with a remarkable talent for hearing only what they want to hear... pair them off, and watch them come to some amazing conclusions! I thought that Groucho's... attraction to Haruhi was a bit weird at first - but then again, given that Queen Diva is a rather sexy babe herself, it's certainly possible that Bugrom tastes in females may run in that direction.


Well, in Alternate World, Groucho commented to Jinnai that he was glad that Jinnai was "slender" again. I personally took that to mean that Groucho has some appreciation for the human form. In the case of Jinnai, it's simply being happy that his boss and buddy is back in good shape - maybe with a female human, this appreciation can go a bit father.

That, and having an alien liking Haruhi simply opens up more avenues for humor and exploring Haruhi's obsession with aliens. However, I'm not yet decided yet how far I'll go with that - it's not likely I'll make it all that serious; more like light touches here on out.

Quote


The interactions with the Roshtaria crowd were a bit weaker, I'm afraid. I was a little confused as to why Kyon and Itsuki were asking about things like schools and sightseeing, as though they were visiting tourists. One would think that their priority would be to locate their missing members! Kyon would be especially worried about Mikuru, since he tends to regard her as a very fragile and delicate girl.



In retrospect, I probably should have had them asking the Three Priestesses about their missing members right off the bat. Still, I had them ask about schools and sightseeing, in part, to show that they're "trying to get the lay of the land", in order to better prepare themselves for the searching that they have to do coming ahead. This struck me as something Kyon and Koizumi would want to do before rushing headlong into a search - going back to your own Kyon being the cautious and prepared one point that you made.  ;)


Quote


Speaking of Mikuru, Nanami's mentioning her experience as a waitress and how that fate might have befallen one of their companions seemed WAY too convenient. Given how randomly the group was scattered, it's quite a leap of deduction to guess that anyone else would have landed in the desert, let alone that they'd wind up working as a waitress. If you meant that as a plot hook to give our heroes someplace to start looking... well, I feel it could have been done better.


My thinking with Nanami is that she's the cautious and prudent, but also somewhat cynical, one. Sort of a "Murphy's Law" character that's always preparing for the worst. Since she would consider what befell herself to be pretty bad, I could see her pointing out to the other humans from back home that the same thing may have befallen their friends.

Quote


On the topic of sightseeing... You seemed to be a little overcautious in adding your own touches to the world of El-Hazard. It's strange to assume, for instance, that the Roshtarian Acadamy is the only school in El-Hazard! When Kyon asked about places of learning, Dr. Schtalubaugh should have been able to rattle off several, even if none are quite as majestic as the Academy. The Alliance is made of many allied nations, and surely they don't all send every student to Roshtaria to learn!

It actually made me chuckle, too, when the Priestesses referred to their own Alma Mater as "that place where we priestesses go to train". If you don't have a name, make one up! El-Hazard is a huge and wonderful place, and the OAV only touched on a scant handful of the continent. Don't be afraid to make up your own places of interest, or to fill out details that the OAV left out. Go beyond just the people and places mentioned in the show!


Ok... I see what you're saying here. I was a bit worried that I'd mess up a place name, or contradict a piece of canon, that I had forgotten. Also, I wanted to "feed Kyon's snarkiness" - give him things to get legitimately displeased with, so to speak (another reviewer on a separate board felt that I didn't display his snarkiness enough in Chapter 1).

Still, I'll try to be more imaginative in the future.  


Quote


It seems a little strange that the Roshtarian group hasn't asked about any strange powers that Kyon and Itsuki might have developed.


Don't worry. I'll be getting to that. It'll be discussed on the plane ride (is there a name for that flying/sailing vessel that was used in the anime, by the way? - if not, I probably should invent one) towards Durasland.

Quote
To date, every Earthling that's come to El-Hazard has recieved a special power of some kind. While it doesn't necessarily follow that the Haruhi group will also get powers (they came to El-Hazard in a different manner than Makoto's group, after all), the Roshtarians should certainly suspect that such powers could exist!


Good point.

Quote


It was nice to see Fatora and Alielle introduced to the group. It was particularly interesting to see that Kyon seems to have taken a shine to her, in spite of her misandronistic ways (I guess Kyon is so used to being abused by domineering women that Fatora doesn't seem so bad in retrospect). I kind of hope to see this develop further - though it's kind of hard to imagine Fatora actually warming up to Kyon. I shudder to imagine what will happen once Fatora meets Mikuru... Poor Mikuru!

As for the close of the chapter, in which the Shadow Tribemen get their hands on Yuki, whose data has been reconfigured to resemble a Demon God's... I'm cautiously optimistic. It's potentially an interesting twist, but there are many ways it could be poorly handled. Try not to have Yuki's new role too closely match Ifurita's!


I'll keep that in mind.

Quote


All in all, another great chapter! Your primary weakness seems to be in handling the good guys, as I haven't really found any flaws with the sections dealing with the Bugrom or the Shadow Tribe. I don't know if it's because you have a better feel for the villians, or if those are the sections that you simply enjoy writing more (making the good guy sections a "necessary evil", in a way).


You're very perceptive - it's pretty much both those things, for me. Haruhi and the El Hazard villains are character types that I actually find easy to write. The protagonists are a bit trickier because they don't lend themselves to the sort of over-the-top dialogue and drama that Haruhi and the El Hazard villains lend themselves to (and which I enjoy writing).

So... I have to admit that I've been playing it safe with the protagonist parts; just trying to get the characterization right so it doesn't take away from the broader fanfic, but basically letting Haruhi/Jinnai carry the fanfic.

I'll be more adventurous with the protagonists in the future, though - I think I've done an Ok job with their characterization so far, so hopefully I can afford to experiment a bit more with them the rest of the way.

Quote
You also seem to be a bit timid in developing and expanding the world of El-Hazard, and stick too closely to the people and places referenced in the show. Once you shore up those deficiencies this will be a solid piece of fanfiction.


Ok, I'll keep that all in mind. I should have Chapter 3 sometime between this evening, and Wednesday - I hope you like it! Thanks for following the fic so far, and also thanks for the feedback. It's been very helpful.
« Last Edit: May 18, 2009, 01:52:55 PM by triple_r » Logged
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« Reply #7 on: May 18, 2009, 08:54:20 PM »

And Chapter 3 is complete! :

http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068

Just scroll down to where "Chapter 3 - The First Night of Haruhi Suzumiya" begins.

Big thanks to Spanner for really inspiring me with the earlier constructive criticism. It gave me a lot of great ideas for the protagonist scenes!
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« Reply #8 on: May 19, 2009, 09:12:48 AM »

Quote
And Chapter 3 is complete! :

http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068

Just scroll down to where "Chapter 3 - The First Night of Haruhi Suzumiya" begins.

Big thanks to Spanner for really inspiring me with the earlier constructive criticism. It gave me a lot of great ideas for the protagonist scenes!

And... read it!

All right, before I go into the main review, I thought I'd mention something. You seem to be trying a little too hard to please your reviewers. Remember that our critiques are intented to help you improve your writing, not a demand for you to change what you're doing!

That said, I've noticed that you seem to go to great lengths to try to "cover up" things that I've pointed out as being iffy in previous chapters. For example:

Chapter 1: Kyon: Outta the way! *barges past guards, leaps into the Priestess's springs*
Spanner's comments: Kyon seems a bit impulsive here...
Chapter 2: Kyon: Oh, sorry about that. I'm usually not so impulsive, but, y'know, I was thirsy 'n all...

or this:

Chapter 2: Afura: Schools? Well, there's the royal academy... and that place where we priestesses train. That's pretty much it!
Spanner's comments: What, only two schools on the entire continent?
Chapter 3: Makoto: Oh, we thought you meant non-destroyed schools! Oh, we've got OODLES of schools if you include the ones the Bugrom burned down. Those darned Bugrom! In fact, we spend a lot of time repairing schools.
Fujisawa: Hey, I have an idea! Let's go repair some schools right now!
Everyone: Yay!

I was being a little silly there, but I hope you see what I'm getting at. It's not a good idea to use our criticism to try to paint over your mistakes.

Writing sections in chapters to "explain away" mistakes in previous chapters is like turning a spotlight on those mistakes. Readers that might have missed or chosen to forgive those mistakes suddenly have their faces shoved into them, making them impossible to ignore.

Instead, you should use our criticism to improve your work in the future - or if you really strongly agree with the criticism, you can consider going back and rewriting sections of previous chapters. Just because a chapter is posted doesn't mean that it's set in stone!

Okay, with all that said, here's my impressions of chapter 3:

The Bugrom sections continue to please, and the interactions between Haruhi and Jinnai are a lot of fun. Haruhi's new shape-changing abilities are cool (I'd love to see fanart of Bugrom Queen Haruhi  XD). It'll be interesting to see just how extensive they are (can she only change into a Bugrom? Can she change into any type of creature? Can she imitate other people? Or change into non-living objects? etc), and how she plans to use them. I must say that Queen Diva seemed a bit blase about the idea that Haruhi might be the new Bugrom Queen. She doesn't feel threatened by that? Then again, Diva's always been a pretty passive character, caving into Jinnai's desires all the time as she does.

The section with Mikuru was very well-written! I think you captured her personality perfectly, as someone who always tries her best but is hampered by her timidity and the fact that she's not exactly the sharpest wheel of cheddar in the dairy. Hang in there, Mikuru!

There were some clear improvements in the "good guy" sections this time around. Kyon is definitely behaving more Kyon-like. I was smiling broadly at the section where Kyon was wrestling internally between the desire to protect Mikuru's virtue from Fatora and the inability to lie about her wondrous beauty. That's pure Kyon, right there! For all his eloquence about defending the innocent and helpless girl, when it actually comes down to protecting her he never seems to manage to pull it off, does he? Itsuki's philosophical monologue was nice to see as well.

It was good to see a little more creativity in regards to the geography and terminology of El-Hazard, but given how many names and terms were spouted off in such a small space, I worry a bit that you might be overcorrecting.

The introduction of Kyon's and Itsuki's El-Hazard powers seemed a bit sudden, and felt a bit like the "please the reviewers" stuff I mentioned above. Still, now that they're here, I do find them to be satisfactory. Kyon's magnetic powers have some interesting potential, and Itsuki's powers are actually what I'd privately predicted they'd be: the ability to use his esper abilities outside of Closed Space.

The story's moving along swimmingly, and I'm definitely looking forward to seeing more. Keep writing!

-Aaron
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« Reply #9 on: May 21, 2009, 03:27:06 PM »

I agree with most of what Spanner said, though I'm not bothered by Diva's lack of concern over Haruhi's new appearance. At the time she was probably too overwhelmed with emotion because of the miraculous return of the lost Bugrom to care, and I imagine that as the Bugrom Queen she's pretty confident of her position and has powers and specialized knowledge to back it up.  The irony of Jinnai proclaiming that God is on his side was fantastic, by the way, considering that Haruhi _is_ a god, and it's interesting to see Haruhi's powers playing out in El-Hazard.  Because of what she is it's questionable whether traveling to this new world would actually have an effect on her, but now that Jinnai has raised the possibility of her developing shapeshifting powers her own divine powers can kick in and make that a reality even if it wasn't true without anyone being the wiser.

And speaking of powers, Koizumi the Esper and Yuki the Demon God? Heh, if this pattern continues Mikuru's probably going to manifest either time manipulation abilities (a great asset for a waitress!) or an actual Mikuru Beam, though I wonder if even that would be enough to fend off Fatora and Alliele. Poor, poor Mikuru and her gift of incredible cuteness. I'm not sure how to feel about Kyon's new magnetic powers yet other than that they might come in handy when he encounters Yuki again. I kind of assumed that he'd pull a Makoto and not discover his new superhuman ability(ies) until a do or die moment, but what you've done here has potential.

As for the actual writing, the prose is still a bit awkward in places but your enthusiasm clearly shows and infuses the story with a type of excited energy. The same goes for the dialogue. Every now and then the wording seems off for a character, but overall it's amusing enough that I hardly care. Fujisawa's histrionics and Koizumi's philosophical speech about there being good and evil in everyone were probably the best spoken parts for the "heroes," while Jinnai and Haruhi continue to have some of the best conversations. It could be entertaining to see whether those two will have positive or negative effects on each other since both are megalomaniacs in their own fashions but they also have their better sides, as Kyon and Wanderers Ifurita show. I'm of a mixed mind about understanding what the Bugrom are saying, though. It was used to good effect in this chapter, but part of their charm has been trying to figure out what they mean. If you're going to keep translating their communications, you're faced with the task of making this understanding add rather than take something away from the Bugrom. Anyway, thanks again for sharing and good luck with your writing.  
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« Reply #10 on: May 21, 2009, 08:49:27 PM »

Spanner and rowan - Thanks a lot!

Spanner - your critique over how I tried to fix my issue with the schools was simply hilarious! ;D I laughed loudly from reading your great and funny take on it.

I see your point - refinement over correction. With that in mind, I went back and altered secordias to a smaller distance in order to make the geography work in Chapter 4 (i.e. searching for Mikuru 10 miles from the spatial anomaly makes sense - not so much with 200 miles though  ^^;  Don't think Mikuru can walk 200 miles in a day). I point this out to you because you're too sharp to miss it.  ;)

Now, just before you point it out - I did go somewhere in Chapter 4 that may make it seem like I was responding to one of your suggestions/corrections, but please believe me when I say that I had it planned out from the beginning. You'll probably guess what I'm referring to here once you read Chapter 4. Anyway, thanks again for your great advice. It's made me pay a bit more careful attention to continuity and people making sensible in-character decisions.


Rowan - I'm glad you liked the irony on the "God is on my side!" line. It was indeed intended to have that affect.

I'm going to go ahead and explain why I gave Kyon magnetic powers. Kyon tends to attract all sorts of wonderment and trouble in his own anime - ergo, giving him magnetic powers seemed appropriate given his nature here.  ;)  

Excellent observations on Haruhi in general - you're getting exactly where I'm going with her there.

Your review hits it on the money, too - I feel pretty much the same way; every now and then a desired plot movement/character reaction requires me to go just a touch off of the broken characterization path, but I think that it'll be worth it in the long run.

I understand your point with the Bugrom. I kind of wanted to give a grander sense of what Jinnai is to the Bugrom to emphasize its impact on Haruhi.  Also, I'm setting up Haruhi as the main point of reference (aside from Kyon the Narrator) for the story. Hence, we start hearing the Bugrom translated once Haruhi does.  Also, Groucho has a very important role to play later on that requires translation. I've already planned an important scene with him - but that's all I'll say or I'll spoil it too much.

Well, chapters 4 and 5 are now up!:
http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068&page=2

I look forward to knowing what you and Spanner think of it! One question by the way - is my writing pace for this good so far, you think? Am I going too fast, too slow, or just right? Is it a good pace to be reading it at (a 12 to 16 computer pages chapter once every few days)?
« Last Edit: May 23, 2009, 06:09:08 PM by triple_r » Logged
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« Reply #11 on: May 24, 2009, 02:36:37 PM »

I took a look at chapters four and five. I'm afraid this will likely be my last review for a while; I'm going on vacation starting next week, and won't have ready Internet access for much of that time.

Anyway these chapters introduced another stroke of fanfiction brilliance: SOS MAN! Again, it's so perfectly Haruhi for her to insist on such a thing, and so perfectly Jinnai for him to be so taken aback by it. I was intensely amused to see how he eventually settled into the role, though, and look forward to more amazing exploits of SOS Man!

Haruhi becoming Bugrom Queen was an interesting touch. (I presume that's the element that you meant when you said you had it planned all along, and it wasn't a "correction"?) It flowed very well, and it was an excellent explanation for Diva's composure at how enthusastic her Bugrom subjects were about Haruhi's transformation. Diva's revelation that there was more to the prophesy that she shared with Jinnai was an interesting touch. It's all too easy to believe that Diva would have kept the prophesy of the great setback from Jinnai when she saw how well he was doing.

I chuckled when Diva held Haruhi back from adventuring with Jinnai due to her new duties as Bugrom Queen. It seems that her new job is not all fun and adventure, as she thought it would be! I wonder how long Haruhi's enthusiasm will hold out once she learns she has to deal with a lot of boring stuff, too.

I'm also quite interested as to how seriously you're taking this Bugrom prophesy stuff. If it really is as accurate as you're making it out to be, does that mean that the Bugrom will eventually rise to glory? And if so, just what exactly will that mean for the Allied Nations?

Anyway, back to the Roshtarians. Fatora seems to be getting along with Kyon about as well as a person with her personality possibly could. The dynamics between these two presents an interesting take on Fatora that I don't think anyone previously has even attempted. Heck, the very idea of her even forming friendships seems a bit beyond the pale. From what we've seen of Fatora, she seems to divide the world population into four categories: Big Sister, Alielle, sexual conquests, and slaves. Unlike most folks in the slave category, she doesn't seem quite as inclined to treat Kyon like dirt. Maybe his submissive personality appeals to her? Kyon's sort of nervously half-hearted enthusasm about her chumminess is perfect as well.

I thought it was a little too convenient that Makoto correctly guessed so many things about Yuki just by a picture of her, but I suppose that's okay since Yuki's character design was pretty much created to emphasize those stereotypes - a cute, glasses-wearing geek girl to appeal to the sizable viewer demographic that goes for that kind of thing. It seems that Makoto himself is part of that demographic...

Fatora's and Alielle's gushing over the sexy pictures of Mikuri and Haruhi was to be expected. It seems a bit strange that Itsuki would choose such... provacative pictures to show to the group when he could have just showed them the normal pictures and left it at that. Then again, he's kind of a strange guy. It's probably best for the sake of Kyon's composure that there was no need for Itsuki to show of his undoubtedly large and embarrassing Kyon picture collection. ;)

Something that I didn't really notice until the Bugrom's attack on the three priestesses was that you avoided a very common difficulty in fanfiction (and, indeed, even in the canon): you avoided bringing the whole friggin' cast along on the adventure! This is quite commendable, as a large cast is awkward and usually the reasons for them all tagging along are contrived or nonexistant. A group of seven is much more managable, and you were able to pay proper respect for the left-out cast through cameos like this one. Kudos!

And now, the Shadow Tribe. Unlike the Roshtarians' somewhat-hard-to-swallow powers of perception, the conclusions they drew about Haruhi were presented pretty logically. The reemergence of Galus as Mecha-Galus was a bit comic-booky, I'll admit, but this entire fanfiction is written in a distinctly comic-booky manner, with significant nouns and verbs italicized for no apparent reason. So it is, perhaps, forgivable.

I was a bit curious about Yuki's "powers of invisibility". Are those the powers she gained as a human travelling to El-Hazard? Does this mean that Yuki's human body qualified to grant her the power, even though her data reconfigured itself to demon god afterwards? Or are these invisibility powers something the Shadow Tribe gave her when the scientists were tinkering with her?

Yuki's amnesia is a good angle to take with her. Normally, she's a bit of a tough character to write since her reality-altering powers and her link to the Integrated Data Entity gives her so very much deus-ex-machina potential. With her knowledge of herself and others so limited, it gives a lot of leeway in granting her some interesting character development.

Lastly, it seems that you have something in the works with Mikuru and the impending visit of the Duroslandian noble. I'm curious to see how that plays out!

As you can see, I had very little to actually complain about this time - your writing is definitely shaping up! I leave you now with a typo to fix: "ring Kyon's neck" in Chapter 4 should be "wring Kyon's neck".
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Triple_R
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« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2009, 03:05:45 PM »

Quote
I took a look at chapters four and five. I'm afraid this will likely be my last review for a while; I'm going on vacation starting next week, and won't have ready Internet access for much of that time.

Anyway these chapters introduced another stroke of fanfiction brilliance: SOS MAN! Again, it's so perfectly Haruhi for her to insist on such a thing, and so perfectly Jinnai for him to be so taken aback by it. I was intensely amused to see how he eventually settled into the role, though, and look forward to more amazing exploits of SOS Man!

Haruhi becoming Bugrom Queen was an interesting touch. (I presume that's the element that you meant when you said you had it planned all along, and it wasn't a "correction"?) It flowed very well, and it was an excellent explanation for Diva's composure at how enthusastic her Bugrom subjects were about Haruhi's transformation. Diva's revelation that there was more to the prophesy that she shared with Jinnai was an interesting touch. It's all too easy to believe that Diva would have kept the prophesy of the great setback from Jinnai when she saw how well he was doing.

I chuckled when Diva held Haruhi back from adventuring with Jinnai due to her new duties as Bugrom Queen. It seems that her new job is not all fun and adventure, as she thought it would be! I wonder how long Haruhi's enthusiasm will hold out once she learns she has to deal with a lot of boring stuff, too.

I'm also quite interested as to how seriously you're taking this Bugrom prophesy stuff. If it really is as accurate as you're making it out to be, does that mean that the Bugrom will eventually rise to glory? And if so, just what exactly will that mean for the Allied Nations?

Anyway, back to the Roshtarians. Fatora seems to be getting along with Kyon about as well as a person with her personality possibly could. The dynamics between these two presents an interesting take on Fatora that I don't think anyone previously has even attempted. Heck, the very idea of her even forming friendships seems a bit beyond the pale. From what we've seen of Fatora, she seems to divide the world population into four categories: Big Sister, Alielle, sexual conquests, and slaves. Unlike most folks in the slave category, she doesn't seem quite as inclined to treat Kyon like dirt. Maybe his submissive personality appeals to her? Kyon's sort of nervously half-hearted enthusasm about her chumminess is perfect as well.

I thought it was a little too convenient that Makoto correctly guessed so many things about Yuki just by a picture of her, but I suppose that's okay since Yuki's character design was pretty much created to emphasize those stereotypes - a cute, glasses-wearing geek girl to appeal to the sizable viewer demographic that goes for that kind of thing. It seems that Makoto himself is part of that demographic...

Fatora's and Alielle's gushing over the sexy pictures of Mikuri and Haruhi was to be expected. It seems a bit strange that Itsuki would choose such... provacative pictures to show to the group when he could have just showed them the normal pictures and left it at that. Then again, he's kind of a strange guy. It's probably best for the sake of Kyon's composure that there was no need for Itsuki to show of his undoubtedly large and embarrassing Kyon picture collection. ;)

Something that I didn't really notice until the Bugrom's attack on the three priestesses was that you avoided a very common difficulty in fanfiction (and, indeed, even in the canon): you avoided bringing the whole friggin' cast along on the adventure! This is quite commendable, as a large cast is awkward and usually the reasons for them all tagging along are contrived or nonexistant. A group of seven is much more managable, and you were able to pay proper respect for the left-out cast through cameos like this one. Kudos!

And now, the Shadow Tribe. Unlike the Roshtarians' somewhat-hard-to-swallow powers of perception, the conclusions they drew about Haruhi were presented pretty logically. The reemergence of Galus as Mecha-Galus was a bit comic-booky, I'll admit, but this entire fanfiction is written in a distinctly comic-booky manner, with significant nouns and verbs italicized for no apparent reason. So it is, perhaps, forgivable.

I was a bit curious about Yuki's "powers of invisibility". Are those the powers she gained as a human travelling to El-Hazard? Does this mean that Yuki's human body qualified to grant her the power, even though her data reconfigured itself to demon god afterwards? Or are these invisibility powers something the Shadow Tribe gave her when the scientists were tinkering with her?

Yuki's amnesia is a good angle to take with her. Normally, she's a bit of a tough character to write since her reality-altering powers and her link to the Integrated Data Entity gives her so very much deus-ex-machina potential. With her knowledge of herself and others so limited, it gives a lot of leeway in granting her some interesting character development.

Lastly, it seems that you have something in the works with Mikuru and the impending visit of the Duroslandian noble. I'm curious to see how that plays out!

As you can see, I had very little to actually complain about this time - your writing is definitely shaping up! I leave you now with a typo to fix: "ring Kyon's neck" in Chapter 4 should be "wring Kyon's neck".



Thanks a lot, Spanner! I'm really glad you liked my SOS Man idea. And yes, Haruhi becoming Bugrom Queen was the element that I was refering to.

I have to admit that I was a big comic book fan growing up - a Superman fan as you can probably guess.  ;) In fact, one of the reasons why I loved El Hazard is how it appealed to the comic book fan in me (Jinnai being like the perfect mixture of Lex Luthor and the Joker to me; Fujisawa being like a cool plains-clothes Superman; the Three Priestesses and Ifurita having costumes like what a Justice League member would wear).

I've tried to add some nice little touches from other shows that I like (Char Aznable's helmet, SOS Man, Mecha-Galus, Nanoha Inverse and her Raging Heart sniping rifle).

One thing I should point out - I'm writing this with the idea being to convey English dub voices to the audience - for example, Bob Marx and Wendee Lee in the case of Jinnai and Haruhi. All of the added emphasis I put on their lines coincides with how I imagine Bob Marx and Wendee Lee themselves to emphasize certain parts of lines if they were playing this out as a script.

The fanfic hence might sound a bit off for more sub-centric fans.

Thanks for really appreciating all the little touches - particularly my handling of group numbers and cameos. My view is that seven characters (all on the same side) actively talking to one another is enough - more than that, and somebody gets lost in the crowd.

I'm glad you like the Fatora/Kyon friendship of sorts and their contest over Mikuru. I tend to see Fatora and Kyon the way you do, and hence I think that they'd naturally find each other comfortable.

I also appreciate the typo correction. Well... I hope that you have a good vacation! By the time you get back, I might have a few more chapters done.  :)

You've given me enough great reviews that I have a good idea of where to go from here - you approving of SOS Man was particularly important, actually.
« Last Edit: May 24, 2009, 03:14:32 PM by triple_r » Logged
Triple_R
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« Reply #13 on: May 26, 2009, 04:15:25 PM »

Not a fanfic update (though I hope to have another chapter done soon), but rather a YouTube video I made to promote the fanfic:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFJhDvvBxDY&feature=channel_page

I think that my fellow El Hazard fans here might find it entertaining.  ;)  :)

Edit: But now I have a fanfic update to make as well! You can find it here: http://forums.comicbookresources.com/showthread.php?t=269068&page=2

Just scroll down to where Chapter 6 begins if you're already through the previous chapters.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2009, 11:53:47 AM by triple_r » Logged
rowan_a._seven
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« Reply #14 on: May 27, 2009, 09:21:12 PM »

Apologies for the lack of recent feedback on my part. I've been in the process for the past week of moving into my brother's house for the summer and starting an internship so I've been pretty preoccupied. I'll try to read the newest update and write some C&C soon, but in the meantime let me commend you on the trailer. The use of Haruhi's "ordinary" soliloquy followed by the far from ordinary Jinnai was well-timed and quite effective, and I really like the choice of music. It really is quite a good way to get pumped before reading this.  ^_^V
« Last Edit: May 27, 2009, 09:22:08 PM by rowan_a._seven » Logged
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