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Author Topic: All I ever needed to know, I learned from Hentai.  (Read 1138 times)
Saucer
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« on: January 06, 2004, 11:44:35 PM »

DISCLAIMER: Don't take these things seriously. This is just to make fun of hentai.

All I ever needed to know, I learned from Hentai.

If she blushes, she wants it.

"No" means "Yes."

"Yes" means "f*ck me right here, right now!"

"f*ck me right here, right now!" means it's a dream sequence.

"Not yet" means "Wait until the next scene."

Legal age in Japan is three.

No matter how hot a girl is, she's always hotter if she grows a dick.

All sex is good sex.

It isn't great sex unless it's rape.

It isn't great rape unless it involves tentacles.

Either way, rape “tecnically” doesn’t exits; any forced sex act takes 30 seconds to one minute for the woman to begin enjoying it and begging for more.

A powerful piece of futuristic battle armor that is armed to the teeth and protects its (always female) wearer from the rigors of space travel, spine-shattering impacts and laser blasts is no match for a determined set of hands and/or a set of tentacles.

Never underestimate the power of lust.

The best place to get laid is on a train.

The next best place to get laid is at a high school, usually the roof.

Hospitals and public parks tie for third place.

All demons want sex. Everything else is secondary.

Blackmail is foreplay.

The male p*nis is at least a foot long, two-three inches thick and always curves up. It is almost always invisible, glowing, or otherwise distorted from view.

The female p*nis follows these same rules but usually isn't as long.

The hero sometimes gets the girl.

The heroine almost always gets the girl.

The heroine rarely gets the guy (usually because she's getting the girl).

The hero will never show up until after the girl has gotten raped.

The heroine is usually busy getting raped but don't worry, she's about to free herself.

Any being with the power to prevent a rape from occurring will not do so.

The p*nis is the world's most effective gag and is completely safe from harm since the woman never, ever bites.

A good-looking guy will usually score with a nice looking girl.

A good-looking girl will always score with someone (male, female, attractive, ugly, sober, drunk, etc.).

A guy who can suddenly turn into a girl will inevitably get lots of sex, mostly girls but some guys, too.

A girl who suddenly grows a p*nis will become deluged with dozens of female admirers who will all want to score with her.

A girly-looking guy who dresses in girls' clothing will never be laughed at or ostracized by his peers. Instead, he will get more sex than he could ever want from just about every woman he meets. Double this amount if he's still in high school.

All females are bisexual, if they claim not to be just put them in a romantic situation with another woman and watch what happens.

Anything can be used as a sexual implement.

If it disgusts you, rest assured that someone, somewhere is getting off on it.

Lesbians are hot.

Cat-girls are hot.

Miko are hot.

Maids are hot.

Nuns are hot.

School girls are hot.

Teachers are hot.

Nurses are hot.

Senshi are hot.

Hermaphrodites are hot.

Prostitutes are rare. After all, why pay when you can take?

The school janitor is not your friend.

The principal is not your friend.

The male coach is not your friend.

The school nurse is usually your friend.

The vice-principal is probably evil.

The scruffy-looking guy in the white lab coat is never your friend.

If it's an all-girl's school, forget it. Everyone is either evil, possessed or about to be. And the innocent ones won't stay that way for long.

Sex with your mom is acceptable.

Sex with your sister is acceptable (and expected if you're a guy that can turn into a girl).

Sex with your brother is probably mandatory at least once in the story, if you're female.

Sex with your father is just plain icky.

Sex with the family dog... Don't be too surprised.

Bigger breasts are better breasts.

If at first you don't succeed, try chloroform.

Even plants need luvin'.

Sex is very wet and very messy.

All women spurt.

All men can perform multiple times in rapid succession without rest.

There are no STDs or pregnancy (the story just doesn't last that long).

A happily married woman will wind up having sex with just about everyone but her husband.

A happily married husband is either not at home or about to die.

Any genre is a good genre for sex.

Any setting is a good setting for sex.

Being a shy bookworm will get you laid.

Being an outrageous party animal will get you laid.

Hell, just being female will get you laid (as long as you're pretty).

Shy, wallflower virgins are sex crazed nymphos waiting to be awakened by their first sex act.

Female teachers are the horniest, randiest, and most sex crazed women in the world.

All males will have sex with at least 3 women before they finally have sex with the woman they love or desire most.

Ugly or fat chicks are as rare as prostitutes. Maybe there's a correlation?

A thin black line, no wider than a toothpick, is all the censorship you will ever need.

A person masturbating will usually be caught. This will always lead to sex.

Convenient peep-holes to spy on sexual acts are everywhere.

All men are capable of dispensing a gallon of semen per scene.

All demons are capable of dispensing hundreds of gallons of semen no matter how many times they have ejaculated before hand.

No piece of clothing a woman wears is more durable than tissue.

Panties do not have to be removed. Instead, they can simply be pushed to one side. They apparently act as a sort of lubricant.

A woman can stretch her mouth to accept any p*nis of any size.

A woman, no matter how inexperienced, can give a expert blow job. (also known as the Snake Jaw Effect)

A woman an take a penis of any size, even if they are a 13 year old virgin, a demon with a 2 foot long, 10 in in diameter penis can enter her and she will enjoy it.

The size of the female bust is indirectly propornate to their age. In other other words the younger a girl is the larger her breasts are. (also known as the Lina Inverse effect)

The standard duties of any female employee (usually nurses, maids, teachers and secretaries) include sex, rough sex and rape.

No matter their injuries, patients in hospitals will get laid. This is part of their treatment.

Utterly terrified women will hold a pose so sexy that a dead man would get a hard-on.

Expect more conversation to occur during sex than any other time.

Every woman emits a raise-the-dead howl at the moment of orgasm -- every time.

All orgasms last 30 seconds to a minute, they are the greatest thing ever, and are multiple for females.

A woman will either swallow semen or enjoy it landing on its body or face, this also elicits a orgasms in many cases.

Sex partners always reach orgasm as precisely the same moment.

No one ever fumbles anything during sex, even if both participants are complete virgins.

All female cyborgs, robots, and androids are 100% anatomically correct and ready, willing and able to have sex.

Complete annihilation of entire cities or cultures is a small price to pay for really good sex.

Portions of the female body will often become completely transparent during sex. This enables the camera to capture every available angle.

The male body is often translucent during sex. After all, why block the view?

Quite often, men do not have discernible features or even eyes. This does not interfere with their ability to find women.

All women enjoy anal sex. All women.

The new girl in town is always easy.

All doctors perform strange sexual experiments on the side.

Any fight between two females will, given time, degenerate into lesbian sex.

^_^
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Captain Southbird (EHOL Creator)
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« Reply #1 on: January 07, 2004, 01:45:44 AM »

Wow.  Did you compile this yourself, or is this recycled material?   :P
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Kathy Guinea
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« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2004, 02:52:46 AM »

Quote
DISCLAIMER: Don't take these things seriously. This is just to make fun of hentai.

Teachers are hot.
Female teachers are the horniest, randiest, and most sex crazed women in the world.


That is such a lie! ..........

........... ok maybe not.
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Little Rock lights the way... or maybe he's just leading us to a firey death. Meh, either way...


Netto:
MrWhat
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« Reply #3 on: January 07, 2004, 09:58:42 PM »

Quote
All I ever needed to know, I learned from Hentai.

I added up my responses to the items in this list.

51 of my responses were "Yup," "Sounds like fun," or "WOO HOO!!"
48 of my responses were "Eewww," "That's not very nice," or "YEEEK!!"
3 of my responses were "Huh?" or "Maybe."
and 3 of my responses were "I wish!"

But I'm not telling which items got which responses  ^^;

Quote
Complete annihilation of entire cities or cultures is a small price to pay for really good sex.

This must be a blurb for Reunited!  ::)
« Last Edit: January 12, 2004, 03:44:54 PM by mrwhat » Logged
Saucer
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« Reply #4 on: January 09, 2004, 09:33:28 PM »

Quote
Wow.  Did you compile this yourself, or is this recycled material?   :P

It's pretty old actually. And it's cycled through the net countless times. Never ceases to be amusing though. ^.^

Quote


That is such a lie! ..........

........... ok maybe not.

Gee, I was kinda hoping it was true.

:: puts Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" on an endless loop::
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Aya Mikage
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« Reply #5 on: January 09, 2004, 10:56:33 PM »

Quote
Either way, rape “tecnically” doesn’t exits; any forced sex act takes 30 seconds to one minute for the woman to begin enjoying it and begging for more.


Since I'm a virgin, I still have no idea of whats good/bad sex really is. But you stated here Mr. Saucer that "Rape technically doesn't exist." I think you are very very wrong.

I guess you haven't been raped, ryt?

I didn't like the article. Sorry.

Even if you already said this:
Quote
DISCLAIMER: Don't take these things seriously. This is just to make fun of hentai.


Oh Pleeeaaaseee
« Last Edit: January 09, 2004, 10:57:58 PM by ifurita-sama » Logged

"In the future, you will fall under the control of the star of darkness."

"I see blood, anger, and sadness -- the destruction of the equilibrium of everything in this world."

"On the day when the 16th star an
Captain Southbird (EHOL Creator)
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« Reply #6 on: January 09, 2004, 11:23:51 PM »

Quote

But you stated here Mr. Saucer that "Rape technically doesn't exist." I think you are very very wrong.

I guess you haven't been raped, ryt?


"Oh Pleeeaaaseee"  ^^;  This entire thing was meant to be a joke.

I mean look:

Quote
If she blushes, she wants it.

"No" means "Yes."

"Yes" means "f*ck me right here, right now!"


Quote
The next best place to get laid is at a high school, usually the roof.

Hospitals and public parks tie for third place.

All demons want sex. Everything else is secondary.


Saucer -- who apparently isn't entirely responsible for this anyway -- is supposed to making fun of everything that hardcore hentai tries to present as reality, which is very different from how things actually turn out.

To quote another:
Quote
All men are capable of dispensing a gallon of semen per scene.


We're not even physically equipped to store THAT much.   ^^;


Quote
Quote

It's pretty old actually. And it's cycled through the net countless times. Never ceases to be amusing though. ^.^

Gee, I was kinda hoping it was true.

:: puts Van Halen's "Hot for Teacher" on an endless loop::


Actually, if you read her entire statement ... "That is such a lie ... okay maybe not", the statement itself is contradictary and she thus agrees with you.
« Last Edit: January 09, 2004, 11:24:58 PM by rob_jinnai » Logged

Dub vs. Sub, let's keep quiet about it.
Fujisawa4654
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« Reply #7 on: January 10, 2004, 12:05:04 AM »

 :o

I CAN'T BELIEVE I READ ALL OF THIS! MY MIND IS POISONED!
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theravenisdead
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« Reply #8 on: January 10, 2004, 01:42:01 AM »

*pulls out his invisible bottle of Palmolive* find a happy place find a happy plaaaaccee.....
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Saucer
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« Reply #9 on: January 10, 2004, 11:08:18 PM »

Quote

Saucer -- who apparently isn't entirely responsible for this anyway -- is supposed to making fun of everything that hardcore hentai tries to present as reality, which is very different from how things actually turn out.

Thank you Bob. It's obvious that someone here has a sense of humor and is apt to read a post all the way through before jumping to short-sighted conclusions. And yes, as stated before, this was written long before any of us read it.
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Xel
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now he dead from coke

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« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2004, 03:05:22 PM »

Quote
Panties do not have to be removed. Instead, they can simply be pushed to one side. They apparently act as a sort of lubricant.


XD This was the icing on the cake. *cracking up*

And come on, guys... rape is just surprise sex. *SHOT*

DISCLAIMER: The preceding comment is in no way intended to be taken seriously. But we knew that... right?
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Sexpot. Despot. Jinnai.
Lord God Jinnai
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« Reply #11 on: January 12, 2004, 11:06:25 AM »

Oh ho. I too shall make controversial statements.

1) The Pope needs to die. He's guaranteed a spot in heaven, so why is everybody trying to keep him alive?

2) I don't see why everyone thinks Pedophiles are evil. I mean, it's not like they eat the kids.

3) Everyone deserves a good raping nowadays. I mean, all of you people are sluts. Dressing like you do, in your jeans and t-shirts; you guys are just askin for it. RAPINGS FOR ALL!

4) You should masturbate your horse everyday. Not only does it keep the horse healthy, but it's fun! In fact, the whole family should get in on it! There's no funner family activity than masturbating horses.

5) Why must the government use expensive concrete to fill up pot holes? Everyone knows that the best filling to use is baby heads.
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I Care Deep
MrWhat
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« Reply #12 on: January 12, 2004, 03:44:23 PM »

Quote
Oh ho. I too shall make controversial statements.

Thanks, LGJ.  I just found out that I have to sink $1800 into a transmission re-build for my truck.  I needed a laugh.

However, I have to say that this topic isn't even politically incorrect anymore.  It's gone so far beyond politically incorrect that it's...

Politically INCONCEIVABLE!!
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Saucer
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« Reply #13 on: January 13, 2004, 12:54:00 AM »

::high-fives LGJ::

Well, that made my night!

Hey, this a major hentai topic. Where the fsck is Kiddo these days?
« Last Edit: January 13, 2004, 12:54:39 AM by saucer » Logged


Let's go, Red Raccoon Dogs!
Lord God Jinnai
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« Reply #14 on: January 13, 2004, 01:25:39 AM »

Thank you for the praise. I try to instill "common sense" to all the people I meet.

Btw, Mr. What, before you shell out all that cash, you should know of a great transportation alternative to automobiles: rickshaws! They're cheap, environmentally friendly, and require no insurance whatsoever!

For just twenty bucks, I'll sell you mine. It's black, rubber tired, can seat three, plus it's pulled by an eleven-year-old Burmese boy I have named Ding.

Say hello, Ding.

DING: *cowering* Please save me, Mr. American. My current master is an evil, evil man, who feeds me only paper and bathtub water. Plus he touches my special place.

*kicks Ding in the face* SHADDAP!

Ah ha ha ha ha... cute, isn't he? Anyway, how about it? I'll throw in his sister, Wing, for ten bucks. She's missin both legs, so she can't pull the rickshaw. But she makes a hell of a good footrest!
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I Care Deep
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